Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP is a lazy fucker.

(180 Posts)

Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.

DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.

I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.

Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet hmm

Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.

Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 19-Aug-13 10:08:21

Kick him out. You will be better off without him and it might give him the wake up call he needs.

His age is irrelevant. He decided to be a father, and he has to be a father.

What is he doing about finding another job?

Mwirren Mon 19-Aug-13 10:11:42

yes, he needs a wake up call. The sacrifices for parenting are currently about 97% yours. You do everything while he lies in bed.

If he's 22 and you don't think he's emotionally capable of recognising this inequality, or too fundamentally selfish to relinquish his well, selfishness, then I agree with PP, you should take a stand and tell him to leave. I bet he'd find a job quicker if he weren't in a comfortable home with cute kids cuddling him while he lies in bed til mid day, his clothes washed and dried? his meals prepared? who buys the toilet paper he wipes his ass with!? he needs a reality check. Your life is not a sacrifice to his convenience.

I know you're right, and sometimes I do fantasise about kicking him out and not tip toeing around him.

But I have zero self esteem, pretty high anxiety, and as he'd go back to his parents' which is a five minute walk away the thought of bumping into him in the shop (for example) makes me feel sick. I know, I'm pathetic, but trust me, I'd do anything for some confidence. Currently on a counselling waiting list.

I suppose I do do most housework (and buy toilet roll!), but I'd rather do it than leave it to him where we'd probably live surrounded by food wrappers, dirty nappies and eat shit.

Sorry to drop feed but when he is awake, he can be helpful, but 90% of the time is playing bloody computer games. Cba to do things with the children. I organise it all.

Re job hunt... He's applied to the forces, but I suppose other than that he's not exactly looking very hard. Which is odd, because he likes being work.

This is my fault for becoming pregnant within a nanosecond of meeting him, isn't it? Why the fuck didn't i get to know him first? O that's right, the self esteem issues. Wow, this is a self pitying thread!

Drip feed*

Tiredemma Mon 19-Aug-13 10:26:43

what was he like when he was in work?

could he be depressed?

He could be depressed, not that he'd ever admit to that.

Thought tbf, he was like this every weekend when he was in work

ImperialBlether Mon 19-Aug-13 10:37:59

The forces? They'd love him, wouldn't they? What exactly would he be offering?

I'd suggest to him that he moves back to his mum's while he's looking for work. He should be the one worried about bumping into you, not the other way around!

You're doing all the work anyway. It's much easier doing it all on your own than doing it while someone else is in bed or playing computer games.

He is very young to have three children. Are you the same age?

ImperialBlether Mon 19-Aug-13 10:38:25

He's not depressed, ffs! He's living life exactly how he wants to!

rockybalboa Mon 19-Aug-13 10:38:32

Leave numerous alarm clocks around the bedroom. Lazy fucker needs to haul his ass out of bed and contribute something to the family whether that be getting back into work or helping with the kids. That said, when I was 22 laying in bed for most of the day was essential. But I was a lazy arsed student, he is not.

rockybalboa Mon 19-Aug-13 10:39:43

Ah, I now see the computer games comment. I suspected something like that might be an issue. Is he up til 3am on it?

Tiredemma Mon 19-Aug-13 10:39:52

Thats why I asked!

Has he always been like this or just since losing his job????

ohforfoxsake Mon 19-Aug-13 10:45:20

I just don't get grown men sitting on their arse spending the day playing computer games.

OP you might be regretting your haste now, but it could be a turning point. I suspect you may need to take some time out and leave him to get on with it. Do you work?

What is he looking to do - if he looking at the forces, what about the police in some capacity? Special constable or community officer? A voluntary role in the interim?

He may also have self-respect issues, and will have if he doesn't get off his arse. The longer he sits and plays games, the harder it will be I suspect.

Squitten Mon 19-Aug-13 10:49:00

He's not depressed. He's living the sweet life because you are being a doormat and allowing him to walk all over you.

This can all stop but only once you realise that you and your children are worth more than this crap and that your life cannot possibly get any worse without him in it.

Take a moment to think - if he disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow, what exactly would change about your day-to-day life?

Imperial - about smile I smiled this morning! I've asked that before; surely he'd hate such a regimented life?!

Re him moving home - but what are the practicalities? We're in a joint tenancy that started in June. The house is ideal (for the children)

We're about same age - I've just turned 24 and he's nearly 23, though admittedly the oldest child isn't "his", however we've been together since he was 1.

Rocky - the alarm clock idea sounds tempting, as does hiding his phone/ipad/games, getting the kids to jump on him etc.. But I know I can't do any of that. He will hold all the cards then, because I'll suddenly be the immature one!

At the minute he is staying up very late playing some game or other (and he's cut down massively!) But this man could go to bed at 9pm and still laze in bed the next morning.

Tiredemma - yes unfortunately this does seem to be one of his personality traits, work or no work, and maybe compared to some of the other things he has done during our relationship the staying in bed would seem extremely tame.

Fuck, I've just come upstairs to dry my hair, and he's barely stirred! This can't be normal. I don't want to cry in front of the kids again.

Ohfor- he wouldn't go in the police. He's known to them, his friends are often in trouble with them.. Oh god I can't believe I'm writing this. Yes, I know, what a catch right?

Squitten - if he disappeared, that would be pretty good actually. I'd cope fine. The only problem is no one disappears do they? They still live in the same (fucking) town.

feelingvunerable Mon 19-Aug-13 11:00:09

I really think you need a break from him.

It will be hard at first but seriously, what does he bring to this relationship?

ohforfoxsake Mon 19-Aug-13 11:09:15

You need to get the 'shape up or ship out' message across.

You will be better off on your own. I'm sorry, but I do believe life is less frustrating when you are doing it alone, than resenting the lazy lump you have to do it around. After the misery will come resentment and hatred.

You could go to Relate for counselling, go for a trial separation or you could leave him.

Is he even aware there is a problem?

There is a website - I think it's called 'entitledto.com' but I'm not sure so you'll have to google it. It'll tell you how you'd fare WRT benefits. I'd get some facts and figures in place and think about options.

Once you have worked out your options he will know you are serious about making changes.

Feeling - you're right, I do need a break. I WANT a break. I'm just so bad at confrontation that I'd find it very hard to request him to leave without breaking down somewhat. How do people do it? Genuine question.

What does he bring to the relationship? Ok, so right now I can't think of an answer, especially as he's snoring and its 11 fucking am. I suppose the main thing is I'm terrified of the fact that if he leaves I'll be a single mother with three children (would anyone find me attractive in that case?) And he will be a cool single guy. He'll probably start washing/shaving again regularly. Dear god.

And no, I don't work. I left a highly competitive uni degree to be a mother. Hmm.

Mwirren Mon 19-Aug-13 11:22:53

wrt self esteem, it's a very difficult thing to acknowledge, or was so for me anyway, to realise that your own low self-esteem was the reason you chose a rubbish man....... and you have done that here on this thread, at 22 (?) I was about 36 before I had the self-awareness and the honestly to assess my own mistakes and to look back and realise that my low self-esteem was responsible for my catastrophic choices.

I was a lot older than you are now when I got involved with my x (children's father that is). The x before him had dumped me with a brutal character assassination which wounded me deeply and scarred me to this day.

Intellectually, rationally, you know it's not fair, but you don't believe that you can demand more. And by demand, I mean 'get'. Demand, get, deserve, they're all so linked. You deserve more but can you demand it and get it?

First off, read Sherry Argov's book. It is called Bitch or something, a really off-putting title, but it's a really really accessible book, the basic message is spot on. Identify the beat of your own drum, and then march to it! Your beat!

I got in to something called EFT for a while, I need to pick it back up.

This is a much simpler form of it, and you might think I am mad, but go in to the bathroom and look in the mirror and look yourself in the eye and say "even though i am powerless now, I do have strength, I do have power, and I can work hard. I am worth more than this. I will change things. I deserve respect, and I deserve a better easier more rewarding life and I will get that'

Please indulge me! Please do this every time you go to the loo!

You probably aren't in the position to have psychotherapy right now. I had psychotherapy after leaving an abusive relationship. I realised at psychotherapy that I had cared more that other people believed I was happy and I was prepared to endure a miserable life so that other people would believe I was happy and normal. When I realised that I had prioritised appearing to be happy over actually being happy I was shell shocked. And I was in my mid 30s then, so I'm really impressed with your self awareness and honesty.

ohforfoxsake Mon 19-Aug-13 11:23:15

Do you want to go back to your degree?

Why can't he look after the children why you study?

AbuseHamzaMousseCake Mon 19-Aug-13 11:27:52

In your shoes, I would get back to uni and leave him to look after the kids. He will have to shape up. You will have a useful qualification and be able to support yourself.

Mwirren- thank you for taking the time to write that, and I love reading so will have a look on the Kindle for "Bitch"(haha!).

Ohfor- going back to my degree would be amazing but I'm out of my mat leave now so I'd have to reapply and my lack of confidence keeps telling me to just avoid it. At any rate he's told me enough times he couldn't be a stay at home dad as he'd hate it.

ohforfoxsake Mon 19-Aug-13 11:32:17

He isn't exactly giving himself any options though is he? What if you don't want to be a SAHM?

You need to re-apply for that degree, or get a job. Or find some other way of realising you are a smart, capable, intelligent woman. He isn't going to give that to you.

You have four children. Only three of them are your responsibility.

Mwirren Mon 19-Aug-13 11:36:37

I have to pick up on what you say there "would anybody find that attractive?" by which you mean "am I worthy of some random man"?

You're not going to be able to get the relationship you deserve while you're thinking like this. Eventually you want to be able to assess a man who's clearly interested in you and decide whether you think he's decent enough. Seriously!

When I had my shell shock moment that I referred to, I guess, without labelling it, I put myself on a man-free five year recovery plan. It wasn't just financial. It was practical, emotional, social............. My self esteem has improved. The only relationship I've had since my children's father was with a man who showed me a lot of respect, he was a very loving and responsible (including financially responsible) father to his own children. So,although that relationship didn't last, it signalled a big change in me, and I feel relieved now, I know I will never ever put up with bullshit again.

You are only 22 though! This is serious personal growth type of stuff that I was SO oblivious to at your age. I guess having three children makes one grow up. Makes mothers grow up anyway! If you are able to pin point the low self esteem as the starting point of where it all went 'wrong' I think the next step is to look at improving your self esteem.

keep posting on mn. there are a lot of very wise people here, who really helped me to see things differently, to believe I had the right to raise the bar.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now