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so, he's has sex with a prostitute...

(121 Posts)
lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 18:59:42

feeling very confused at the moment and would like some opinions please.

I met this man in february, though mutual friends, started dating in April, took things fairly slowly but got on like a house on fire, it felt right and after talking about it a few weeks ago we both agreed we were mad about each other and wanted to be together in a serious committed realtionship.

Fast forward to today when he left his mobile phone in my car by mistake but couldnt come to collect it until 2pm (i was at work)

I know, I know..I should not have done it, but thinking I was a comedy genius at the time, I went onto his facebook page to write a funny status update pretending to be him, thinking nothing of it. He saw it on his laptop we had a giggle about it and that was that.

An hour later, bored in work I thought i would have a nosey and went to his inbox. wrong, intrusive, breach of trust? maybe, but I certainly did not expect to find anything out of sorts and though I could trust him wholeheartedly so never gave it too much thought.

So the message i read was one with a very good friend of his. Lots of usual boy chat about football etc then it got a bit deeper and was reading about when my DP was on a stag-do. He was describing how it was a bit of a travel for a 'bang' (this is where I begin to feel physically sick) i think his exact words were, 'was a bit pricey too, they should've paid us after the ride we gave them, we should've went with the blondes!'

revolting or what. I was pretty shocked to say the least so scrolled up to see what else had been said. It was a few months beforehand but they were discussing a trip to amsterdam or down south for a 'strip club weekend'

I was disgusted, composed myself, put his phone away, got on with work and decided to act normal when he collected his phone and will discuss it with him at some point when I've had time to digest.

If its of any relevance, the dates of the stag doo were when we had only just met, been on a few dates and had not had sex at this point. And the 'strip club' talk was from the beginning of the year. so he was a single man free to do as he pleases and i suppose really has nothing to do with me at all. BUT, I find it repulsive none the less.

I really have no idea how I feel about the whole situation at this moment tbh. But my gut says RUN for the hills! He knows my views on strip clubs and imo someone who can pay a woman for sex is nothing but a scumbag.

so, wwyd?

I really thought this relationship would last the distance, that we had something so special, as does everyone around us, our friends/family. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could see a future together with him, to me he is the perfect gentleman, really romantic, thoughtful, caring etc. So reading this felt so alien, as if it was a completely different person! But I am well aware that people can pretend to be something they are not. Part of me hopes it was male bravado but I cannot see myself being able to be intimate with him again

could you work this through if in the same position?

lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 20:10:55

thank you helen

sorry to dripfeed but there was another comment from DP telling his friend to get on plentyoffish for 'a shag'

this does not shock me. I know of lots of males and females who do that exact thing and why not if they are not hurting anyone and are being safe/careful. he was also single at the time so again, really none of my business. But I suppose I want someone who would rather not go on that sort of site for that sort of thing...hmmmm

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 20:12:49

What's the issue?

The cleaner is less likely to be doing the job through lack of choice, e.g. not trafficked or addicted to drugs.

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 20:13:56

I'd run a mile from this man.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 18-Aug-13 20:14:41

"So reading this felt so alien, as if it was a completely different person! But I am well aware that people can pretend to be something they are not."

Yeah, some people can pretend to be something they're not.

Who do you imagine he's pretending to be something he's not to impress?

You, his girlfriend of a few weeks?

Or his friends?

When he's all romantic and caring, that's him pretending to be someone he's not.

As evidenced by last night's little sulk because you wouldn't give him the sex he paid for with dinner.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 20:17:39

See, for me the red flag here is his comment about buying you dinner then expecting sex - dump

Helenlikesjewels Sun 18-Aug-13 20:21:09

"I couldn't be intimate with someone who buys sex, total turnoff."

There are men who can hardly get sex any other way. It doesn't necessarily mean they are sleazy, horrible men. They could be excessively shy, socially inadequate, just not attractive physically to most women so are unable to get girlfriends, and so on. And if they buy sex sometimes it doesn't automatically mean they disrespect anyone. Respect doesn't even come into it.

MissStrawberry Sun 18-Aug-13 20:21:18

Your post about him sulking because you didn't shag him would be enough for me to get rid tbh.

What are you going to do?

lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 20:28:18

thank you all again

I dont know what Im going to do for sure, but feel I'm swaying towards ending it sad

I have a 2yo DS to think of also, i need to choose a life partner wisely

arsenaltilidie Sun 18-Aug-13 20:28:51

He is still a lad hasn't grown up yet.
Need to get rid.

Reality Sun 18-Aug-13 20:30:28

Oh he definitely has issues around sex, and sees women as possessions to be bought.

The dinner = sex thing is HORRIBLE, he is obviously well used to paying for sex.

Get rid, he is not good.

MissStrawberry Sun 18-Aug-13 20:30:49

<gently pushes you towards ending it>

All the while you are "with" him you are missing the chance to meet someone who will treat you well.

kittenmittens Sun 18-Aug-13 20:35:13

In my opinion sex with a prostitute is a form of rape. Yes there are exceptions but for the most part sex work is undertaken as a result of poverty. Most women do not choose to become sex workers out of a desire to have sex, they do it because they need the money, and they often have sex with men they would not other have chosen to. The nature of the financial imbalance leads to a form of coercion. There's a power imbalance. The man who visits a prostitute uses his power (money) to coerce her into sex. That, in my view, is rape. It's abuse. Let's not even get started on drug addiction and sex slavery and the physical and mental trauma suffered by sex workers.

If I found out my partner had used prostitutes, I'd ditch him. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who had no respect for women.

garlicagain Sun 18-Aug-13 20:52:54

Yh, I would ditch him for the dinner comment. Coupled, as it is, with his evident approval of going 'shopping' for sex, even when that involves a long trip, you've got the picture of a man who sees women as commodities.

"They should have paid us" is a very typical comment, by the way, from blokes who think all women are permanently on heat & desperate for their very special penis. Even when the woman clearly is doing it for the money. I don't think that men who worship their own cock, while despising women, ever really change.

It's a huge disappointment, OP, but at least you've found out your instincts are in full working order! It's probably best to look on this as lovely while it lasted ... File away the good memories, be thankful that you had the experience, and also glad of your internal alarm system smile

waltzingmathilda Sun 18-Aug-13 20:55:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

garlicagain Sun 18-Aug-13 20:58:37

Am I really wrong to have fallen around laughing at your last post, matilda? Yes? Never mind grin grin grin grin

garlicagain Sun 18-Aug-13 21:02:02

Did you mean to call OP a slut?! Yes? Never mind.

Sane, healthy, adult women don't give a shit what misogynistic dinosaurs call them.

KristinaM Sun 18-Aug-13 21:02:52

I'm with kittens. Abusing a orostituted women would be a deal breaker for me. Not too impressed with the "I paid for dinner so you owe me sex" implication either

tribpot Sun 18-Aug-13 21:04:45

The thing is though, OP, it's not just that he did it - which you can choose to rationalise on the basis that he was single, etc if you wish. It's the horrific way he is talking about it, and the fact he pressured you for sex, that suggests he has a view of women which is not one you would want your ds to be exposed to, and which demeans you. That is the ongoing problem here. Very easy for him to appear to be 'the one' when all is rosy in the Garden of Shag. Less so when the relationship gets put under pressure.

PeppermintPasty Sun 18-Aug-13 21:11:23

I imagine he believes he has a gold cock. He sounds dreadful. Sorry op.

HenWithAttitude Sun 18-Aug-13 21:14:47

Leave now. Cut your losses

I could not have a relationship with a man whose values were so different from mine.

Ledkr Sun 18-Aug-13 22:23:25

Nah. It would turn me right off tbh.
I wouldn't want a relationship with "a lad" either. Just not my cup of tea.
I wonder if sec will be a bit off putting from now on.

BasilBabyEater Sun 18-Aug-13 22:32:12

"could you work this through if in the same position?"

Why would I want to?

Why would you want this bloke? Why would you and your DC want to entertain this sleezy creep in your lives?

morethanpotatoprints Sun 18-Aug-13 22:33:11

I know he was single at the time, but had he told you during the conversation when you told him what you thought of strip clubs etc, and been remorseful, then maybe.
I know lads who went with pros when they were young and single, but as far as I know it was never even thought of to do it again. Not that I agree with it at all, but that is understandable.
But in effect he has lied to you because he hasn't told you about it.
I would run a mile for this reason and the way he talks about it.

Boosterseat Mon 19-Aug-13 08:07:16

Helenlikesjewels Really?

There are men who can hardly get sex any other way. It doesn't necessarily mean they are sleazy, horrible men. They could be excessively shy, socially inadequate, just not attractive physically to most women so are unable to get girlfriends, and so on. And if they buy sex sometimes it doesn't automatically mean they disrespect anyone. Respect doesn't even come into it.

I think you are wrong here.

OP isn't talking about anyone with the issues above, she is talking about a "lad" who talks about women as if they were wank socks and for that it would be the door.

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