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so, he's has sex with a prostitute...

(121 Posts)
lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 18:59:42

feeling very confused at the moment and would like some opinions please.

I met this man in february, though mutual friends, started dating in April, took things fairly slowly but got on like a house on fire, it felt right and after talking about it a few weeks ago we both agreed we were mad about each other and wanted to be together in a serious committed realtionship.

Fast forward to today when he left his mobile phone in my car by mistake but couldnt come to collect it until 2pm (i was at work)

I know, I know..I should not have done it, but thinking I was a comedy genius at the time, I went onto his facebook page to write a funny status update pretending to be him, thinking nothing of it. He saw it on his laptop we had a giggle about it and that was that.

An hour later, bored in work I thought i would have a nosey and went to his inbox. wrong, intrusive, breach of trust? maybe, but I certainly did not expect to find anything out of sorts and though I could trust him wholeheartedly so never gave it too much thought.

So the message i read was one with a very good friend of his. Lots of usual boy chat about football etc then it got a bit deeper and was reading about when my DP was on a stag-do. He was describing how it was a bit of a travel for a 'bang' (this is where I begin to feel physically sick) i think his exact words were, 'was a bit pricey too, they should've paid us after the ride we gave them, we should've went with the blondes!'

revolting or what. I was pretty shocked to say the least so scrolled up to see what else had been said. It was a few months beforehand but they were discussing a trip to amsterdam or down south for a 'strip club weekend'

I was disgusted, composed myself, put his phone away, got on with work and decided to act normal when he collected his phone and will discuss it with him at some point when I've had time to digest.

If its of any relevance, the dates of the stag doo were when we had only just met, been on a few dates and had not had sex at this point. And the 'strip club' talk was from the beginning of the year. so he was a single man free to do as he pleases and i suppose really has nothing to do with me at all. BUT, I find it repulsive none the less.

I really have no idea how I feel about the whole situation at this moment tbh. But my gut says RUN for the hills! He knows my views on strip clubs and imo someone who can pay a woman for sex is nothing but a scumbag.

so, wwyd?

I really thought this relationship would last the distance, that we had something so special, as does everyone around us, our friends/family. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could see a future together with him, to me he is the perfect gentleman, really romantic, thoughtful, caring etc. So reading this felt so alien, as if it was a completely different person! But I am well aware that people can pretend to be something they are not. Part of me hopes it was male bravado but I cannot see myself being able to be intimate with him again

could you work this through if in the same position?

mcmooncup Sun 18-Aug-13 19:02:31

That would turn me instantly allergic too OP.

MrsMcEnroe Sun 18-Aug-13 19:05:41

Dump him fast.

He has no respect for women, and god knows what STDs he may be harbouring.

If you gloss over this now, you will never be able to trust him fully, and at the back of your mind there will always be a niggling doubt as to his respect for you and your relationship, and for womankind in general.

myroomisatip Sun 18-Aug-13 19:06:42

No. I couldn't. What happens when he goes off on the next stag do? or a weekend or night out with friends?

Not just because I could not trust him but I would have no respect for him either sad

tribpot Sun 18-Aug-13 19:10:36

Personally I'd sack him for the comment 'should've went with'! (I'm kidding about that, OP, hoped it might raise a smile).

I honestly don't think I could get over this way of referring to sex workers, or 'human beings' to use another term for them. Then you have to consider also your sexual health - have you used condoms? When was he last tested for STIs?

For some people this probably wouldn't be a deal breaker - he was effectively single at the time, and there's nothing to suggest the prostitutes were coerced into sex (equally, nothing to suggest they weren't) but your gut is giving you a very strong message and it would be unwise to ignore it.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 18-Aug-13 19:15:50

I am so sorry. If I couldn't us going anywhere, but he was a good fuck and treated me like a princess, I probably wouldn't run for the hills, but would find a way to break it off gradually so I could find someone who was actually life partner material.

I think that life partner material is what you're looking for, not a hot shag and some wining and dining that I describe to be a barely acceptable instance to stay with him 'for now'. We've all gone out with some pricks, people with history and baggage and questionable morals, but we need to look at the bigger picture.

I wouldn't be surprised if he got struck down with wandering cock syndrome, a wedding and a few kids down the line. It's quite clear he has zero respect for women besides his wifey, mum and sisters. He'll be crawling back to the at strippers and hookers when he sees you as Mummy and not sexy girlfriend. And then it will be all your fault because you 'ignored' him.

And let's be honest. Yeah, you only had a few dates, you didn't have a ring on your finger, but when you had just bursted onto the scene, all new and interesting and full of promise, he was balls deep in a prostitute when you guys could have been having date 4 or whatever. Vomit. Even when you were sexy and new and a chance to have sex with a woman without leaving money on the nightstand (or at the counter), he'd rather fucked a prostitute.

I could not live with and marry and get knocked up by who treated women as glorified wank socks- and you honestly don't deserve to.

End it. And don't tell him the real reason. In his eyes you'll lose the moral high ground, let the fucker think and doubt himself.

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 19:19:34

It's quite clear he has zero respect for women besides his wifey, mum and sisters.

I really don't understand sweeping generalisations like this on MN, stated as fact, it really annoys me.

OP, I couldn't and wouldn't continue a relationship with this man.

Primadonnagirl Sun 18-Aug-13 19:20:12

End it. His values don't match yours even though he was single at the time. But must say you don't have much respect for him either if you are snooping into his privacy. End it and then you are both free to find people better suited to your respective values

Leverette Sun 18-Aug-13 19:21:06

Ugh nasty. What a shock for you OP, I'm not surprised you feel repulsed. Maybe just tell him he's dumped because you don't associate with men who use prostitutes and refuse to discuss further. Disengage, detach, ignore, move on.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 18-Aug-13 19:23:39

What do you get from that then, Viv? I haven't met a single prostitute user or someone who actively goes to lap dancing clubs who doesn't have a cheeky little madonna/whore file in his mind.

somersethouse Sun 18-Aug-13 19:24:50

I can't believe you posted on his Facebook page pretending to be him...

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 19:26:00

I disagree that it's "clear". For all we know he might have little respect for any woman. Or he might not have a mother alive or any sisters.

Vivacia Sun 18-Aug-13 19:27:48

Also, I haven't met many men who I would state knowing with absolute certainty what they think about women.

Polyethyl Sun 18-Aug-13 19:31:45

Have you been STI checked?

I couldn't sleep with a man who had paid for sex. I couldn't respect him. I know prostitution is the oldest profession and I realise that many many men must use prostitutes ... supply and demand ... but still. I only know of one man in my acquaintance who has used prostitutes and I instantly lost all respect for him.

Rooners Sun 18-Aug-13 19:33:13

Oh how horrible.

I was sort of seeing a man whom I later found out had used a prostitute - well I was told this, still not sure if it is true.

It did put me off. I didn't confront him about it but honestly the sort of man who thinks he can buy sex is the sort of man I cannot be with.

He would have to be ashamed of it, iyswim. A one off - never to be repeated, or excused.

waddlecakes Sun 18-Aug-13 19:35:01

I think you are potentially making a big mistake in ruining a happy, loving relationship because you snooped and breached both his privacy and his trust, by reading an email that contained references to general laddish activities that he took part in before you were going out.

Mwirren Sun 18-Aug-13 19:41:51

but............ this was an email he received right? The disrespect about women came from his friend,not from him, is that right?

and maybe I'm missing something but were these women prostitutes or did they have one night stands?

I don't think you should dump him because of comments his friend made. His friend might even have been making trouble, knowing you had his phone!!!! is the friend on his fb list?

I am not saying I would find it an attractive trait in a man, his visiting a prostitute, it would definitely be a turn off. But if you weren't really in a relationship wth him at that point, I'd use your own judgement.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 19:46:50

It would put me off, if i had found out that my DP of 20 years had used a prostitute before we met, i'd not like it, but i would get over it. If i had found out during the early stages of the relationship and not so long after if happened it would have been the end of things. I just don't think i could trust him. He clearly thinks sex is a very trivial thing, aside from the disrespect for women also, and I couldnt trust him to stay faithful.

I think i would also be heading down the STI clinic too sad

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 19:48:13

Mwirren - was it ok to say wht they said then because they were prostitues? hmm

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 19:49:02

and no, use of prostitutes does not constitute general laddish behaviour!

Helenlikesjewels Sun 18-Aug-13 19:51:04

I'd imagine that many a man could have lots of respect for women but just want sex sometimes, for whatever reason. And if, for example, a 30-something independent escort is willing to let him have what he wants for a fee, then he might do it.
I'd think some men could respect her just as much as any other woman who didn't want to earn money that way.
AFAIK escorts are quite busy people so lots of men we'd never suspect must be discreetly paying for sex now and then. It's just life and has probably always been like that.

But this particular man's attitude sounds disrespectful and unpleasant so you now know what he's like. Sounds like he'd eventually treat you with contempt but disguise it for a while.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 18-Aug-13 20:01:34

What Helenlikesjewels said - every word, exactly that!

lolathemagnificent27 Sun 18-Aug-13 20:05:48

thank you all so much for the replies. please keep them coming, I have no idea what to think about this, maybe just need a little time to process it but I'm indecisive at the best of times!

To try answer some questions..no, I havent had an sti check as of yet as I only just discovered this today but will make an appointment in the morning.

No Mwirren, what i quoted was what DP had said.

And coincidentally, last night was pretty strange. we really do get on great and have loads of chemistry so in the few months we have been together, last night was the first time we did not have sex. (every other time we have met we have always had sex) he did not take this very well. nothing major he just went in a bit of a huff but i was pissed off at the time and it made me feel like he was only happy if we had had sex. Although he actually said, i bought you dinner and then you just fall asleep on me. AS IF I OWE HIM SOMETHING! argh! To which his response was that he was not being comletely serious when he said that. hmmmm. he later apologised, said he just didnt understand why i wouldnt want to have sex with him (as if he perhaps felt rejected?) and we moved on but it really bugged me

thats what I'm scared of waddlecakes sad

but I like your idea theawfuldaughter

waddlecakes Sun 18-Aug-13 20:07:00

If I were a man I might consider using an escort. It's a simple business transaction. I wouldn't disrespect a prostitute any more than I would disrespect a cleaner. Both are women providing a service they are good at, and I'm willing to pay. What's the issue?

Boosterseat Sun 18-Aug-13 20:08:16

I wouldn't want to date a "lad". I couldn't be intimate with someone who buys sex, total turnoff.

every lads holiday from now on you will be worrying about and wondering if he might be brining an unexpected surprise home. grim.

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