Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I can't get over this guy...I am such an idiot.

(34 Posts)
ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 19:54:17

Namechanger...

DH and I are on a temporary break after some marital problems. So as not to drip feed I love him but I am not in love anymore sad he has had a real problem showing affection and has rejected me sexually for 3 years now so at my request we are spending some time apart this summer to re-evaluate the future. We have a little girl and this is really the reason for our need to work at the marriage. I am just so confused.

Anyway, I do an activity and got to know a guy there who over the weeks payed me loads of compliments and attention. Like a fool I let myself be swept up in all the attention and ended up in bed with him which was absolutely amazing and to my huge surprise I started to have really strong feelings for him. The next week he writes me a TEXT stating he can't handle the situation. That I am married and he may be the cause of anything happening to my family. He wanted to stop it now before it go too far and we developed feelings for one another. He thinks I am beautiful and if I were single he would be with me...blah fucking blah..
He is young and quite inexperienced in relationships.

It would never have "worked" logically but I am still in total shock and just can't stop thinking about him, about what happened. I am sobbing and daydreaming and so confused about what to do with my life, my marriage. I feel like I have reached a point of no going back somehow. To have had a moment of such passion and then to be dropped like this has stirred up such awful feelings within me.

I will see him again when the activity starts up again in Sept/ I don't want to drop the activity as it is a huge part of my life now but I feel like when I see him I will fall to pieces. It just helps to write it down I don't know what anyone can say to help to be honest. I am a mess.

waddlecakes Sat 17-Aug-13 19:58:10

From where I'm sitting, the truth is:

- It sounds like the best bet might be to separate from your husband.
- It sounds like this other bloke just wanted to sleep with you.

In other words, I think you would feel a lot happier if you could somehow find the courage to begin a new life featuring neither of these men.

Does that sound possible?

ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 19:59:55

Yes I think he just wanted to sleep with me too sad

My texts back to him were like a teenagers. I couldn't believe he did it. I don't know who I am anymore.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 17-Aug-13 20:00:31

Well I guess it shows you are right to have ended your marriage.

Start thinking about your new single life and how best to maintain security and continuity for your daughter. Sorting this put without a new boyfriend might make it easier on your husband.

When you have adjusted to being you the singleton, rather than you half of a couple, then maybe it will be time for a relationship?

waddlecakes Sat 17-Aug-13 20:04:38

You are simply a person who wants to be loved. It's totally normal, don't feel stupid. But maybe you need to take a break from men, if you know what I mean. Don't panic about being in a relationship, or feeling validated by your relationships with men. Take some time to build your confidence back. Let's not forget your confidence must have been seriously undermined by your husband's rejection. That's where it's all coming from. So feel flattered. This other man used you, yes - but he also thought you were beautiful, and wanted to sleep with you. Move on, continue your activity, and take a break from it all.

ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 20:06:30

Ok. Thank you for your advice. It makes so much sense.

But I am sobbing over him. It's been 4 weeks now and I still think of him every day it's pathetic. He made me feel beautiful and desirable. How am I going to front it out when I have to face him albeit in a different environment. I feel like I am falling apart.

waddlecakes Sat 17-Aug-13 20:10:13

That's because you probably are beautiful and desireable. Turn it around. He wanted you, he had you, he didn't want a relationship, that's all.

So surely there's something quite uplifting about that. Face him with confidence. He didn't owe or promise you anything, so although you feel gutted, you don't have a reason to be angry with him. Let go of the sadness or the anger or the disapointment. Deep down you knew nothing would come of it.

It was an experience, it boosted your confidence a little. Now you have renewed confirmation that of course you are desireable to men. Surely that has to be a good thing.

MissStrawberry Sat 17-Aug-13 20:12:37

Buy the Paul McKenna book I can mend your broken heart. It comes with a CD to listen too and will definitely help you realise this man is nothing special, does not have a cock of gold and that you are better off without him.

ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 20:13:02

Yes YOu are right. I have tried looking at it from a different perspective and I see that he was honest enough and it would never have worked him being so young... I just hope the pain will go away soon.

ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 20:13:32

Thank you Miss Strawberry I will look that up...

ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 21:01:33

I do feel like I have built him up into something. I really liked him

Letsadmitit Sat 17-Aug-13 22:25:18

The more you try to rationalise the issue the more hurt you will get. I know it is difficult but every time you start thinking about him just try to think of something else, try to get distracted, turn the Tv on, whatever.. In about 2 weeks you will have more control over your thoughts and therefore your feelings.

This guy has show you a glimpse of what is out there, and why you need to leave that loveless marriage. Take the opportunity, there is a life worth living out there.

As for the activity... Your well being is more important than any activity, if attending this activity is painful just put it in hold for a while. You come first.

ThisIsaLoooow Sat 17-Aug-13 22:52:30

Thank you lets that is helpful.
I really want to get to the point where he doesn't affect me anymore. I know that can take time. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. He probably has no idea.. It's absurd isn't it?
I am also nervous about what is " out there" after being married. Maybe a lot of heartbreakers sad

Letsadmitit Sat 17-Aug-13 23:45:25

From my own experience of leaving a loveless marriage: if you leave things will change, there's no way around it. I know that I have worries now that I didn't have when I was married, all of the money related. I have had my heartbroken several times but I am still happier than I was when I was married.

In those last years of the marriage I was living one day at a time, I was miserable all the time and was feeling as if the best of my life was behind me and it was about enduring things rather than enjoying them. The moment that we split it was as if the sun had came out. Within months I was not only looking younger, had a more fulfilling life, I was looking forward to the future and despite some setbacks here and there, I am happy. My only regret is to have left it for so long. I should have divorced him years enforce I did.

Letsadmitit Sat 17-Aug-13 23:46:16

Enforce? Before even! (Need to find a way to switch off the autocorrect!)

Monty27 Sat 17-Aug-13 23:49:56

I'm off to the shed to get you a grip.

Have a good think OP, move on and deal with what you've got to deal with to find your happiness.

ThisIsaLoooow Sun 18-Aug-13 08:44:04

Thanks everyone. That is a v positive story lets I am glad you found happiness.

alwaysinamuckingfuddle Sun 18-Aug-13 09:06:22

Everyone you meet and everything that happens to you teaches you something.

You split from your husband and met a new chap. He has shown you what can be and you felt excited but then he rejected you. Let him go. You will meet someone else who will offer you the love, excitement and care you crave. They will also want to be with you and only you.

Hold your head up high and keep moving forward. Never look back!

differentnameforthis Tue 20-Aug-13 03:37:02

He made me feel beautiful and desirable

In reality he used you. He wanted a quick shag, nothing more. Don't waste your time on him.

differentnameforthis Tue 20-Aug-13 03:46:11

Also, seeing as he hurt you & used you, it probably isn't actually HIM you want/feel you have lost.

Perhaps he represented something.

A new life? A new beginning? Perhaps you are mourning that now you feel it has slipped away.

But it doesn't have to slip away. You can still have a new life, and a new beginning, but YOU have to make it happen.

Stop focusing on HIM, focus on what he meant & perhaps you won't miss "him" so much because you will know that what he represented is still available.

gotadifferentnamenow Tue 20-Aug-13 11:20:29

*He made me feel beautiful and
desirable*
^In reality he used you. He wanted a quick
shag, nothing more. Don't waste your time
on him.^

I don't think these are mutually exclusive. OP, you're hung up on him because of how he made you feel, not who he is. It's an intoxicating feeling, and one you've been deprived of for a long time. Other men will make you feel like this too, honest. Some might hurt you, but plenty won't. You'll be OK.

gotadifferentnamenow Tue 20-Aug-13 11:21:13

Uck, excuse my formatting fail there.

ThisIsaLoooow Tue 20-Aug-13 12:01:21

Thank you. He was very special to me but yes it was more what he represented I suppose, a new, fresh interesting man full of passion for me.

Jan45 Tue 20-Aug-13 12:07:17

Sounds to me like the other guy made you realise what you were missing out on, your husband has neglected you for 3 years so this guy got inside your head with his compliments etc but honestly if he wanted to see you he would, he clearly doesn't want anymore than a shag, why let him upset you like this, he's not worth your time, see it for what it is, he chased you and got you, it's the end for him now, he doesn't want to take it any further.

What you need to do is form a life for yourself that doesn't include men, then when you are happier you'll have a better idea of what you want, either your husband or a new life.

pictish Tue 20-Aug-13 12:13:48

I doubt he thinks of you much at all...and I'm not saying that to be cruel at all...just that he saw it as a fling, saw you were becoming attached, and saw that as his cue to extricate himself. He will do the same at work and within his social group I should think.

Don't tie yourself up in knots over someone that does not want you. That's the first lesson. You can only go into the dating game determined to be adored. Anything less is not enough.

Forget him. Take it as a lesson learned and concentrate on taking care of yourself. xxx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now