Ouch, just been dumped by a friend, come and hold my hand...

[ruggedhitchhiker]

...or slap me, not sure which is best

It happens, I know. But it's happened quite a lot, recently - about 4 in the last few years.

I know not every friendship is for life. People move on, get busy, get bored of your jokes. But I liked this one. And can't really tell what I did wrong this time.

I still have a small circle of lovely (tolerant), funny, kind friends who have known me for yonks and still want to hang out (though a very small circle. Let's call it a circlet). But people I could trust and confide in and wouldn't run away fast into the bushes? Apart from my partner, maybe 2.

Does that make me evil? Or crazy?

Please someone come and tell me that it's similar for them.

I need to go and clean something furiously (if you are on the same train line as me, I can be at your house in 40 minutes).

Awwww

[ouryve]

My circle of people that close is even smaller, rugged. I'm a fairly solitary person, though.

I don't live far from the East coast main line :o I'll put the kettle on!

[ruggedhitchhiker]

Really, ouryve? You're not just saying that, to help me feel Normal?

Feel for you/us. Sad, sad. I mean genuine sad, not teenage 'well sad'.

Ugh.

I'm near the South coast, but hey, it's not like I have much going on ;-) Which cleaning products should I bring?

[RandomMess]

I have no-one, not even my dh is there for me in that way

Feel free to come up whenever you want!

[MaryPoppinsBag]

I tend to invest more in a friendship than the 'friend' does.

I currently don't feel like I have any close friends.
I meet every 6 weeks or so with a group of women from school. But none of them are what I consider close friends. I might have done once upon a time but it has dawned on me that they aren't interested in me and my family.

E.g when two were on mat leave I made lots of effort to invite them round for a coffee. When they went back I was dumped and even on their days off they don't make the effort.

Another moved a 40 minute drive away and I don't see her much any more.

I guess life moves on, but I would have expected a friend to ask me how my current house move is going. Several of then haven't bothered only 2 have.

I need a best friend!

[Purple2012]

I have a handful of really good friends. I know people that have loads of friends but they only go out drinking with them every few months and are always commenting on each others facebook. My friends are ones I see regularly and can rely on.

I'd rather have a few trusted friends than a lot of superficial ones.

[Iamnormalish]

Its crap isnt it. I am starting to have some kind of mid life identity crisis and anylizing myself probably a bit too much because my circle of friends seems to have shrunk and shrunk and shrunk and after my recent 40th birthday debarcle - wonder if I matter to anyone.

People I thought were really good friends (only a few) have let me down recently and are not really good friends it seems.

My best friend seems to have cooled it too.

It is always better in life I think to have a small number of proper reali life friends than loads of people that dont give a shit.

[internationallove985]

Aww sorry to hear that but it's true that very few friendships last forever. I have a few friends in work, but my outside friends I don't bother with anymore as I got fed up of them taking me for granted. xx

[Doha]

I have a few friends but no one close enough to be my best friend apart from DH (and he's a man obv )

Anyone want to be my new best MN friend ??

[Ipsumlorem]

Agree with most of these posts. Like Marypoppinsbag I tend to invest more in others than they seem to invest in me - though I reckon that's probably as I fear being left with no friends! DH and I have a lot of acquaintances but not many 'real' friends each. He has one best friend who can be relied upon in an emergency and like you OP I have 2 close friends who I know are interested in my life/will be there for me to the same degree I will for them.We are however all busy people and although we make effort to see each other at least once a week this doesn't always happen.

I also have one very old friend who lives in another country and whom I see maybe 2 or 3 times a year - when we meet it is like no time has gone past and I know he would always be there (even if its at the end of the phone) in times of dire need.

Despite my insecurities I am getting better, as I get older, at letting go of friendships that have waned and people that don't treat me as well as I do them. In the last few years I have cut 3 friends out of my life (all people which I considered very old and very good friends and one was my best friend since we were at school) due to them either refusing to make any time for/take any interest in what was going on with me despite making time for their new friends or to them letting me down severely when I went through a very bad patch and really could have used a friend - despite me having been there for them in similar circumstances a couple of months beforehand.

It really hurts being relegated by old friends but most of the time OP, if there are no obvious reasons why, I don't think it is actually anything to do with the person being relegated - simply that those of us who actively worry about having friends tend to invest so much effort in keeping friends that other people sometimes take our friendship for granted. Basically you are not alone

[HeathRobinson]

Very small circle here, too.

Wrong line, rugged , so here's a and a . (A nice biscuit, not the usual meaning!)

[SpottyDottie]

My group of friends is too small to even make a circlet, even group is exaggerating. I like to think of them as a huggle

[Pinupgirl]

I have a small circle of friends but a lot of people have drifted off. I find with "mum" friends once the kids move on to the next stage-ie leave mother and toddlers/go to school etc then things just tail off.

On the outside its looks as if I have lots of friends as I am very social and go out a lot but in reality I am very lonely. I give a lot to my friends and seem to get little back.

[Merylz]

Lately I've realised a lot of mum friends are people I'm friendly with. I've been relegated this year too. A few of those mum acquaintances excluded me or were rude to me, and when I moaned about it to a friend she went out of her way to show that other woman friendship.. she did that twice. Each time I commented that so and so had hurt me by excluding me or being rude to me she would invite the woman's children over. I just digested what this meant. I didn't react. We are still friendly but now I have the awareness that I've been relegated.

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I'm fine. But I feel frustrated sometimes because I think I am good company, good humoured, decent, thoughtful, funny, but I don't have as many good friends as i'd like. Is it because I'm not married and I didn't go to university. I have no base of friends that revolves around a common background.

[ruggedhitchhiker]

Thank you everyone. I was so scared of getting no replies (being dumped before our relationship had even begun? Pre-dumped?) that I went to clean the cooker. I'm really grateful for your replies. No one talks about this, do they? Or if you try to talk about it, you get dumped (again).

I am really glad it's not just me (but really sad for us, too). I look into the future (no children of my own) and shiver.

I am trying to set some new rules for myself, to help deal with this. What do you think?

1. No asking yourself 'what you did wrong' (my default position since I could speak). There's no point because 1) you'll never find out and 2) it's not about right/wrong, if the person was a real friend they would have forgiven you and discussed it anyway
   

??

1. No trying to contact people who are sending 'dumping' vibes. Sometimes my partner, heartbreakingly, tries to get me to do this, thinking that because they love me, everyone else does, too. This has never worked.
   

??

What do we think?

[chocoreturns]

Doha I will :D fancy a holiday in rainy Devon? You're always welcome! As far as close friends go I have a couple but they are all several hours drive away really. I think it's normal to only have a few 'close' friends and lots of 'coffee' friends if that makes sense.

I don't have a DP/DH so it's really just me, the kids and occasionally my family after 6pm!

[ruggedhitchhiker]

Ps apologies for the self-pity. Underneath this self-loathing there is a sparkling popular socialite (lies)

[WireCat]

Oh you poor thing x

I have loads of packing & cleaning to be done if you're near me!

only slightly joking

[ruggedhitchhiker]

No joking, I've got a railcard. Merylz and Normalish and others of us who are worrying about what it is we are doing to turn people off...I am starting to think/hoping that that is the problem - that people pick up that we are worrying and exploit it (the nasty ones) or are just freaked out by it (the nice ones).
What do you think?
choco I am glad you think this is normal. Maybe that's the other thing. That we are worrying it's not normal?
Oh, getting in knots.

[WireCat]

Btw, I can't seem to make friends. I know lots of people but never get beyond that polite thing.never get invites out or anything.

I'm sure I'm nice. But I won't take any shit off anyone. Think that puts people off me. I have a best friend (weird typing that being 40!) & she knows me inside out, so I guess that helps.

[Mum2Fergus]

I've loads of acquaintances(sp?) but only 2-3 'true' friends...and only 1 of the friends is in the same country as me! I do feel isolated if I dwell on it but DP, DS, fulltime job and new house keep me busy. Best friend and I make a point of visiting each other twice a year at least (I go to him, he* comes to us) and that's just for us...however maybe see him an additional time each year due to him being in NI where DP is from so we visit his family.

• Best friend as gay before I get flamed lol.

[ouryve]

All of them, rugged! The summer hols have taken a toll on this house (and me!)

DH and the boys are all upstairs and, well, I could clean unhindered, but given the time of the month, I shall just wallow!

[Schmoozer]

Sorry to hear you have lost a friendship.
It sucks.
Ive been there
You sound great by the way xx

[Ezio]

I have 2 very close friends, and a few acquaintances.

I prefer to have a few close friends, rather than lots of friends, that i couldnt count on.

[Ezio]

Oh and errrr, i live in Essex, can you come clean my house, i have all the cleaniness skills of sea otter.

[Ipsumlorem]

Rugged I like the idea of your rules in that you and anyone else that isn't a complete tool don't deserve to be taken for granted etc and these are an adequate response to that.

I don't think you need to completely cut people out though (unless they refuse to contact you/are actively horrible to you, in which case its fine as you are worth more than that!).

I cant help wondering if we would all be happier if we tried to accept that the majority of friendships are transitional in nature and that the problem is not necessarily with us - in fact there may not be a problem at all - just a natural drifting apart for whatever reason?

if only I could take my own advice