Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

32, single and childless

(31 Posts)
ihavenonameonhere Fri 16-Aug-13 04:39:37

Hey people.

Please be gentle with me as I am a bit fragile at the moment.

I was single for 6 years (dating etc but never anyone serious) until I met a guy a year ago. We got on straight away, started dating etc. He would stay at mine when he was in town (3 nights a week) 6 months in he decided to move home and that was the next place I was moving to (I was travelling and working) and so we decided to move together.

We got a place together and all was pretty good, to be honest I was starting to think maybe this was it. We just got on so so well, we rarely argued, he was kind, a great cook and we just enjoyed each others company. However, he couldnt find work and got quite down so when a 3 month placement came up living elsewhere we both agreed he should go there to work. 3 weeks in I went to visit him, his job was going well and there was talk about me moving there.

When I went to see him we had an argument and he told me he was unhappy and wanted space, he said his head was messed up and he didnt know if he wanted to settle down etc. I was a bit shocked but went back to where I was living and game him space. To cut a long story short, 4 weeks later he still just kept saying he needed space so I made the decision for him and walked away.

I have been totally gutted, he was honestly the best thing that has happened to me for years. I dont think hes met someone else but I also wise enough to know that it probably means he just wasnt that into me, and its better to know now etc. However this hasnt stopped it hurting more than the end of any other relationship. Previous relationships were for over 3 years but it always felt they had run their course.

On top of all this it also means our plans for me to stay in the current country I live in are over and I will have to return home without a job in the New Year. I am now so stressed at the thought of returning home, where I dont really want to be.

Finally I am terrified, I am 32 and want children. It took me so long to meet him I am just scared I am going to be alone sad

Thank you for listening smile

Mixxy Fri 16-Aug-13 06:13:18

You are in a better position than you think or feel right now. It is shit when relationships fail, but so much bwtter to walk away (as you did) than to flog a dead horse.

Why do you have to go home? Visa issues?

You are still so young. Dont panic.

New job, new man, new you, new family. You can do this OP.

ihavenonameonhere Fri 16-Aug-13 06:38:47

Thanks Mixzxy, yes I just need to stay positive. On the outside most of my friends think I am fine but I am still welling up a few times a day.

Yeah I can only stay here til Feb and then have to go home. This whole thought is panicking me, dont get me wrong - I didnt love him for the Visa but it was all part of our future plans. Still I get to save the 3k it would have cost!!

I think it is the age thing thats freaking me out, but yes need to think that at least I didnt waste anymore time on him, didnt find out in 2 more years time

Jaynebxl Fri 16-Aug-13 06:52:54

Please don't panic about your age. I was in a similar position when I was the same age as you but I didn't have to leave the country I was in. I did become much more proactive about meeting someone because it really helped me see that I definitely did want to get married and have kids. I met my dh 2 years later, moved countries to be with him and we have now been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. Try to see this as a new season with fresh opportunities and be proactive in getting what you want.

Toptack Fri 16-Aug-13 06:55:48

Just for the record, I was 32, single and childless. I'm now 39 (just), happily married and with baby 2 on the way, despite having fertility issues. Don't panic! He wasn't the right person for you and it's much better that you see that now, and start organising your life how you need it to be.

Mixxy Fri 16-Aug-13 07:01:31

When relationships end, its so shit. I cried for months and months. I had moved across and ocean to be with him. I ended up staying and met my DH and had a son a few months back.

You had the strenght to leave when it wasn't right. You will have the strenght for another move and job search and that strength will be of use when you become a mum with the right guy.

Himoutdoors Fri 16-Aug-13 07:27:00

Yes, don't panic and make bad decisions. Wondering whether you could have waited a little for things to settle down. Does the guy have other issues that you are not aware of?

Anyway, you shld keep your confidence up as it is more attractive....it will happen for.

riojabotherer Fri 16-Aug-13 07:43:45

I was 33, single and childless but men a man and had a baby within a year! Lovely things can and do happen. By leaving your relationship you've opened the door to them. Have faith!

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 16-Aug-13 08:07:46

Me too - I was 34, single, childless and suddenly met my DH. Within the year we were living together and engaged. We now have DC 2 on the way smile

So a big 'have faith' from me too! I remember feeling hopeless about things too. Hang in there.

mcmooncup Fri 16-Aug-13 08:08:31

You know all this Must Have Baby by 35 is pure and utter crap don't you?
Research this year shows the 35 number was based on data from the 1900's!!

nymag.com/thecut/2013/06/your-biological-clock-is-running-a-little-fast.html

You are in a great position. Don't believe the hype

Lizzabadger Fri 16-Aug-13 08:12:23

You will be fine, whether or not you meet a man or have a child.

You just need some time to grieve for your relationship and the future you had planned.

kittenmittens Fri 16-Aug-13 09:23:17

I'm with you OP. My relationship of two years has just ended, before that I was single for 7 years. We were trying for a baby, I wanted one so desperately but I came to realise that all these wonderful qualities of him being a great prospective father were just complete fantasies I was projecting onto him. When the scales dropped from my eyes I realised I was making a big mistake and that I'd end up with a useless cocklodger and a baby, so I turfed him out. I'm 31 and terrified now that I'll be single for 7 years again, and that I'll never have kids. I just have to hope I made the right decision.

ihavenonameonhere Fri 16-Aug-13 09:36:58

Thank you so so so much.

I dont think I rushed things, I realised when I finally said it that he was relieved as he was too much of a pussy to do it himself. He certainly has some sort of issue with committing but then they guys do tend to go and settle down with someone else!

HUGS for you kittenmittensxxxx

cuillereasoupe Fri 16-Aug-13 10:15:36

I was in your shoes a few years ago. When I turned 35 I decided I needed to be proactive about finding someone, signed up for internet dating, met everyone who asked, and met DP about five months in. I'm now 38 and expecting our first baby in October. Time is on your side but you do need to be proactive about getting out there!

ihavenonameonhere Sat 17-Aug-13 01:46:41

Yes I think I will be more proactive this time, although I think I need a little more time to move on from this one first.

Funnily enough my sister runs a dating agency. Most of her customers are woman in their early 40s who have crazy demands ie the guy will be everything they want but under 6ft so they wont even consider meeting them?!?!?!

I dont want to be one of those people. I actually though that when I am ready to date again I will have an experiment where every guy that asks me out (ie doesnt just send a message saying babe u is hot, wanna cum 2 my house 4 sex) I will go on a date with. I do think I have got caught up with preconceived ideas before on what I want but then a lot of my exs have been nothing like that!

melbie Sat 17-Aug-13 05:25:56

Also 32, single and childless. I came out of a relationship like yours a couple of years ago (although he was the sensible one that recognised it was over) and since then ended up in a really bad non relationship with a married man. It has completely destroyed me so now am single, childless, 32 and not in any way ready for a relationship!

It is early days yet. All the normal annoying advice about making sure you are ok with you before you start dating is probably true. You need to feel strong enough to make sure you a) can deal with other people not being interested and b) not to let yourself get in a bad relationship.

The age thing does get scary. I would dearly love the man and child package. But I am starting to realise they don't have to come together. If I have to have a child on my own then so be it. Suddenly that makes it less urgent because there is not the pressure of needing to meet someone soon so that you can fit everything in before your fertility drops!

Can you get a different visa and stay? Or have you thought about making a new start somewhere completely new so that it is a positive adventure rather than feeling like you are going backwards?

Sorry for the slightly rambling thoughts but mainly just wanted to say I know how you feel and I know it is horrible but life will be on the up again soon

ihavenonameonhere Sat 17-Aug-13 05:59:27

I think the sadness I feel about leaving here is that it will mean no going back and it the end of the dreams I had with him. The country all of a sudden doesn't appeal as much to me as it did before.

I have other options elsewhere but part of the reason to travel was to figure out what to do with my life and I am no closer to finding that answer.

Hi kitten and ihavenoname - I just wanted to say don't panic. Actually you're fortunate as a couple of my friends have been left in your situation - with the bloke finally saying he didn't want babies / to commit - but at 38/9. That's really shit. You'll find that in your 30s men and women are far more focussed when they're dating - much more of an air of "can I imagine having babies with you? No? Better leave it then". I met DH at 30, married at 32, pregnant at 33 wink

Ifancyashandy Sat 17-Aug-13 07:31:53

I'm 43, single (have been for 10 years) and childless and my life is great! Great friends, fab social life, career I love, loads of travel and friends kids to play Aunty to.

Is it what I envisidged? No. But it's no less great for that.

CynthiaRose Sat 17-Aug-13 21:25:49

I am 36 and single and a couple of years ago realised that this mythical person wasn't suddenly going to turn up just in time for me to settle down and have kids. So I made the decision to use a donor and now have 2 amazing kids. Never ever been happier, it's amazing. I'd like to meet a guy some day, but it doesn't matter when and I feel absolutely no pressure.

You're still pretty young and it's more than likely some one will come along, but I got so bored of people telling me that when I was doing everything I could to meet some one (did a lot of internet dating, but found it soul destroying). I found it quite comforting to have a back up plan and started saving, so I wasn't totally reliant on finding a man.

Good luck.

cuillereasoupe Sun 18-Aug-13 11:30:45

the guy will be everything they want but under 6ft so they wont even consider meeting them?!?!?!

hahaha - DP is 5 foot 4! But he's sex on a stick smile

I do think I have got caught up with preconceived ideas before on what I want but then a lot of my exs have been nothing like that!

I think that's wise. DP is nothing like the kind of guy I'd end up with, but he's great. Above all, look for someone who is kind.

OP, you are in a really good position now. You aren't wasting time in a dead end relationship and you are still really young. You can still have everything you want

I was single and childless at 31 and feeling panicky. I met someone, who totally deceived me and wasted my time (found out he was leading a double life three years in) so I again found myself single and childless at 35 but felt much less panicky. Decided I was going to be kind to myself and not put myself under that pressure again. I decided to save for donor insemination

Three months in I met DP completely unexpectedly on a night out. We have been together almost a year and are going to ttc from Christmas smile This time it just feels right and I feel totally calm

I hope everything works out well for you smile

Sandychick31 Thu 19-Sep-13 19:20:40

Just for the record, at 35, I was single and childless and my weight had ballooned to 15 stone. I felt I made a mess of my previous relationship and had such low self esteem I felt I would never have any relationship with a man again and they wouldn't want to know me. In January (2008) for the new year - I was so bored with my life I decided to lose weight - not to bag a man - I was CONVINCED no man would want to know me (low self esteem) but just as a personal challenge. To cut a long story short, I eventually got down to a size 8 , and between the ages of 35 - 40 had a lot of dates etc - with men - one such has turned into something more permanent. I feel that my positive decision - and I was 3 years older then than you are now - led me to have wonderful experiences of various kinds I never thought I'd have. Moral of story for me is effort made in a small area of life (losing weight) led to all sorts of good things happening that I'd never bargained for.

ihavenonameonhere Fri 20-Sep-13 05:09:25

Thanks everyone.

I'm still not in a great place with it all. I miss the guy and wish I didn't!!

ihavenonameonhere Fri 20-Sep-13 05:18:32

Thanks everyone.

I'm still not in a great place with it all. I miss the guy and wish I didn't!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now