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Coming between 2 friends and I don't know why

(19 Posts)
ConfuzzledToTheMax Thu 15-Aug-13 18:41:38

I have been seeing a man, Toby*, for about 3 months now. When we got together he told me his best friend is a woman called Lauren* who he met through work.

We got talking and as it turns out that around a year ago they dated for a fortnight or so before Lauren* decided she didn't want a relationship at the moment. A week later, she announced her new boyfriend to the world and it was clear to Toby that she had been seeing this new guy too and chose him. She's still with him now. Obviously all of this is none of my concern, it was a long time ago, it just adds context.

I met some of his friends for a casual drink (her included) and we "announced" (for want of a better word!) that we were seeing each other. Later that night I heard her say to someone else, "Seeing each other? I bet the whore is sleeping around, she looks the type" shock. I shrugged it off and pretended I hadn't heard as it hurt and confused me to be honest!

A few weeks after we were together and his phone rang. I told I didn't mind if he answered and turns out it was Lauren* asking him if he was going to the pub quiz. He told her he wasn't as we had plans and it was obvious she hung up as he pulled a confused and put the phone down. Again, I let it go.

Yesterday we were having a meal and I heard his phone text alert and it was Lauren* asking if she could call to discuss a work issue. Of course, I told him to go ahead. He texted back that he would after he had finished his meal, received another text and pulled a confused face again. Turns out she'd told him not to bother and she would pull the answer out of her arse!

I don't think she wants to be with him as she's had around a year to decide if she does AND she already has someone. What can I do? Invite her for a one-on-one drink? Suggest we meet as a 3? I don't want to come between friends at all sad

Doha Thu 15-Aug-13 18:50:23

I certainly would have pulled her up or the whore comment--she is a nasty piece of work.
It seems clear that although she does not want to be with him she quite likes the idea of him "hankering" after her and feels out out with him going out with anyone who isn't her.
I don't think it is anything against you as such.
What does Toby say about it all ? i certainly wouldn't be going out with her at all and it is not you that is coming between them it is her attitiude.
How your DP Toby reacts to this will speak volumes but stop letting things go, her behaviour needs challenging so stop being so nice and understanding

Toby is dealing with this perfectly. I don't think he needs any assistance smile

ConfuzzledToTheMax Thu 15-Aug-13 19:06:11

Toby was confused at first and I didn't tell him about the "whore" comment till at the meal yesterday. He got a little angry, said she was bang out of order and is going to speak to her about it over the next few days. I just wondered if there was anything I could do between me and her to prevent any "me OR her" type actions.

We're not 15 btw, in case any of you were wondering wink

cozietoesie Thu 15-Aug-13 19:08:01

I don't think you'll sort this one. She sounds like one of those greedy guts who likes to be able to think that every man she meets is deep down smitten with her - and you and he are proving that wrong in a way she can't ignore. Very self centred and juvenile and I don't see how a meet would assist because she would use it to prove that she was still queen bee.

If Toby is ignoring her or putting her in her place, just do the same.

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Aug-13 19:17:05

Oh god, no, don't meet up with her. She's vile.

What worries me is that Toby* (what's the * for? Is he a star?) doesn't see her for what she is. This can't be the first time this has happened between them.

LimitedEditionLady Thu 15-Aug-13 19:23:01

Tbh shes not important in your relationship.Dont let her be an issue because she doesnt need to be in YOUR life.My best friend is male and his ex hated me,she pretended to be friends with me their whole relationship but now i know it was all fake.I genuinely thought we were friends.My point is talking to her or trying to change her opinion of you isnt important its not going to effect you as a couple.You dont need to talk to her,be friends or care about her.Just leave her to be petty and piss your bf off,dont mention her and just enjoy your relationship.

LimitedEditionLady Thu 15-Aug-13 19:26:23

Plus if i bad mouthed my best friends gf he would think i was a bit of a d**k and probably get freeked out to why i was calling her names like a jealous cow.I think he will see himself that shes not a friend.

ConfuzzledToTheMax Thu 15-Aug-13 20:59:55

I put * to indicate it isnt their real names.

I think the phrase "wanting her cake and eating it two" is running through my mind here. I've taken it all on board and just going to leave her to her ways, I don't think I would care to be her friend knowing what she is capable of.

nancy75 Thu 15-Aug-13 21:06:05

She doesn't want Toby, but she likes the idea of him waiting in the sidelines just in case she changes her mind. In her head Toby was waiting for her to click her fingers and he would come running. you have ruined it for her! Just carry on as normal, be polite when you see her but be careful what you say to her.

LimitedEditionLady Thu 15-Aug-13 21:18:11

Yeah i wish i knew what my best friend ex was capable but i wanted to just say dont feel like you have to be friendly with her because you dont.Shes not his best friend she just thinks she had a hold on him and she wont like that you are his number one now.If she was just his friend she wouldnt be hating you she would be wanting to listen to how happy he is.It annoys me how some girls say theyre friends with males but then cause friction for them.

She's not his 'best friend' at all. She's not even his friend. They both get something from the other which your presence has threatened. She will either alienate you from him completely or she will show herself to be a loon and he will drop her. You don't need to do anything, just be on your guard and never trust her. Good luck.

Wearytiger Thu 15-Aug-13 21:56:18

I agree with all the previous posters. OP, I don't want to alarm you but in this situation I could imagine his 'friend' trying it on with him in a last ditch attempt to put him back in his rightful place (in her mind). I would see how the situation plays out but keep a close eye on that!

ConfuzzledToTheMax Fri 16-Aug-13 10:04:23

Thanks for the heads up Weary. I genuinely believe he wouldnt respond to her advances but still not comfortable with the thought.

Thanks for all the replies. Its obvious to me it isnt my problem so there is no need for me to attempt to rectify it.

ConfuzzledToTheMax Thu 22-Aug-13 16:55:02

Update for anyone who wants one!

Toby* and I decided to have a go at a relationship with each other grin Lovliness all round till the silly moo gave him a "her or me" situation. I still haven't met her since that night and have NO idea what on earth caused this. Needless to say, he turned round said that if she was asking him that no way is she a friend of his and they can just be civil for the sake of work.

I feel a teeny bit meh about how it getting to this point but thrilled with the developments between me and him.

Good on him for making the sensible choice!

JaceyBee Thu 22-Aug-13 17:01:39

Wow, how utterly ridiculous! Her or me in what way?? She is making herself look stupid, you are being totally cool and rising above it. Just keep doing what you're doing and ignore the silly moo.

WafflyVersatile Thu 22-Aug-13 17:10:15

Dog in the Manger.

Glad he's not taken her nonsense.

Floatsyourboat Thu 22-Aug-13 19:27:21

Lol what a silly silly girl she is!
Congrats on the exciting new developments though smile

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