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Internet dating - was I getting played? :(

(85 Posts)
Jennynero Thu 15-Aug-13 17:24:43

Hi everyone,

So I started internet dating about 2 weeks ago and went on 2 OK dates (nice guys, no connection). Then I met this guy and felt a massive connection the minute I saw him. He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on. He said he felt the same and we did the dirty on the 1st night (stupid I know but it's been a loooong time for me).

To my amazement, he carried on texting me and we met up again (no sex). Things were going great, he was texting me lovely long messages, putting it into my head that he could see it going somewhere.

Anyway, date number 3 was a disaster!! It was like he was a different person. He was really standoffish and even got his phone out to read work emails just as I started talking (he didn't seem bothered when I said it was rude). We kind of had sex but he was almost playing a game with me where we didn't do it properly because he wanted to do it all night the next night (we had already arranged for him to stay at my house as it was a friday). I think he was trying to make me want him??? wtf??

The next day I woke up feeling so confused. I didn't get what had happened the night before and felt crappy and cheap. I text him that morning to cancel and I ended up blurting out that I had no idea what last night was about and wanted clarification on whether we were just sleeping together or getting to know each other (crazy I know, I had known him a week at this point!). I had already fallen at this point and there was no turning back sad

Anyway, we got past all that and arranged to meet on the Monday. He cancelled but had a plausible excuse and arranged to come over the next day. By this point, the texts were drying up and I felt like he was losing interest. I went out, bought sexy new underwear, got all dressed up for him, hair, makeup etc. I had text him about 5pm asking what time he was coming over.

So as I was sat all dolled up with rollers in, I get a text nearly 2 hours after my text at 5, saying 'you are gonna hate me, i can't make it'. No explanation, no phone call, no apology!!! I was so peed off that I had gone to all that effort just to get cancelled on!!

I told him that was strike 2 as he had already cancelled the night before and he simply replied 'what was strike 1 for?'. Anyway, i decided to end it and he just said take care. Take care!!!!

I just don't get it! We had arranged to meet at the weekend and he was going to stay at mine. He had also mention me staying over at his sometime. Why was he giving me all these mixed messages? Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

I still really like him (sad I know) and i'm dying to text him, what I don't know. I just want to see him again, I almost miss him and the sex was amazing!

Am I being a mug or overreacting??

You are undecided and unsure about a guy who is quite obviously a twat so maybe it would be more productive of your time to do a bit of work on your boundaries before dating again.

It's in a player's interests to be fun and engaging and he may have been 'mirroring' you - listening to what you say then pretending to think the same or be the kind of person you are looking for leading you to assume you've met someone you have a connection with. It's a common trick of abusers and they use it because it works. There are even male dating sites with tips on how to manipulate women for sex - acting like they're interested in a relationship is just one of them.

LisaMed Thu 05-Sep-13 11:32:02

Read 'The Game'

dontbelievehim Thu 05-Sep-13 11:22:19

How old is this guy, OP? And how old are you?
Just out of interest.

LittlePeaPod Thu 05-Sep-13 11:08:10

Jenny don't worry. My three male friends haven't seen your thread. Even if they saw the thread they probably wouldn't read it and unless you live somewhere in Yorkshire or Lancashire then it's unlikely they guy you met was one of them. smile I just discussed the situation with them because I was interested in hearing their perspective. With regards your update. You haven't done anything wrong and you are not an idiot. We all have insecurities and they can manifest themselves in different ways. You really liked this guy, he knew it and you got caught unaware. I don't buy into the game playing don't text him, text him. You simply wanted to know where you stood and you asked. I would however advise that you ignore him now. Having done the OD thing for a number of years historically I know that you will get men that will try and keep you hanging. Text/email/call lots and then go cold with no reason only to reappear out of the blue probably when their pipeline of ladies/emails gets a bit cold on the dating site. With regards the guy you were dating. He seems to have a lot of emergencies which come up on the days his due to meet you hmm. My opinion, his a lier and his keeping you hanging to suite his needs. His not turning up because he has arranged another date, his hoping to meet someone else or he can't be arsed. Either way, his a twat for not been honest and just saying his wanting something casual so you can make informed decisions etc. But that's the reality of the situation with men like him or players on OD. Get shot of him Op, you sound lovely and way to good to accept this kind of treatment! There are plenty of other men out there. You have been very unlucky to have met a lying twat on your third date.

Hissy Thu 05-Sep-13 07:31:17

Beware the spark! It's not always a good thing!

He is a twat.

If it's that much hard work after a couple of dates, it's not worth it!

IComeFromALandDownUnder Wed 04-Sep-13 23:24:33

You did nothing wrong Jenny. It sounds like you were about to be stood up again. I don't believe he was in a meeting. This is all a power play to him. Don't engage any longer.

Jennynero Wed 04-Sep-13 23:19:12

Also, Littlepea pod I met him on POF so if he is one of the guys you work with and read my previous post I will die of shame!!!

Jennynero Wed 04-Sep-13 23:15:42

Thanks to everyone for your replies. You have given me food for thought.

So a quick update. I text him a few days after my original post (yes I know i'm an idiot!) and he text back asking me why I ended it and he didn't know if he wanted to see me again or not (which I guess I can understand as I did end things). Anyway, I then said to leave things and just when I was trying to forget about him (ie. watching eat, pray love and eating copious amounts of chocolate) he text as he had looked me up on FB and seen a rant about men (yes, I wanted the world to swallow me up at this point!) and he gathered it was about him (it was a generalised rant to be fair).

He was still saying he didn't know if he wanted to see me again or not and was 'confused' so I basically told him if he didn't want to then that's fine and I would move on. Then he text straight back wanting to come over that week so i agreed (he had to chase again so I got a quick response). We then went on exchanging pleasantries for a few days and he moved forward the date.

Then the day he was supposed to be coming over I heard nothing, so I text at 5pm asking if he was still coming. Still nothing 2 hours later so I sent a not very nice message saying I could't understand why he had gone to all the effort of getting back in touch with me, arranging to come over and then blanking me. He replied to this one straight away basically saying he had been in a 'crisis' meeting all day and i'm paranoid and basically to f off.

I then replied saying that surely he had time at some point in the day to let me know what was happening and I found it very strange that he text me straight back to my 'nasty' text when he was ignoring me before.

So I am undecided really if he is a twat or not because I did come across as very needy etc and as previous posts stated, just because we slept together didn't mean he had any commitment to me. I do think i'm a drama queen too and am quite insecure so I was always looking for proof that he was a twat so I could fulfill my own prophecy about all men (yes I have issues). I just don't appreciate waiting around for a guy who I know previously was able to text when at work. If they are not interested then why don't they just say so!!!

And yes, i'm definitely not ready for dating, especially not OD but I didn't realise this until I started. Tbh, I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, was just bored and don't know many people where I live (i moved far away a year ago) and thought it would be fun (little did I know!). I still don't want a relationship, I guess I just wanted HIM and the more he played it cool, the more I wanted him.

Before I met him, I wasn't expecting anything amazing as his pics were OK and we got on OK and I wasn't fussed either way. It was only when we met in person that I was bowled over and I fully understood at the time that if I slept with him then it would probably mean we never saw each other again (I was fine with this BEFORE the act although it was a drunken decision) and didn't expect to then fall for him as I have had casual sex before and it's been just that.

I have surprised myself with how bad I got over this whole situation and definitely mistook sexual attraction for feelings but it was so strong (doesn't happen very often to me). Just wish I had gotten abit more sex out of him before I went crazy psycho bitch on him.... damn!!

LittlePeaPod Tue 03-Sep-13 15:29:31

Hi Op,

Yes clear as day you have been played - sorry.

Prior to meeting my DF, I was on DS and went of loads felt like hundreds of dates, on and off for about 2 years. I have to admit I didn't sleep with them but that's me generally. I have always waited and dated someone for quite a while before I slept with them. Not judging anyone's decision to sleep with someone straight away. Individual choice and no ones business if you sleep with someone on the first night.

OP I had a ball on DS, don’t be put off by this one experience. I met some nice guys, strange/weird guys, perverts and players. I learnt really quickly not to go into every date expecting to meet Mr Right. I went in with an open mind but always mindful that a lot of men do use DS to see if they can get a quick jump. Lots of people are on DS at work they all share stories and I have three very good male friends currently on Plenty of Fish, Match and Match Affinity or something like that. I am at work now and we have just been discussing your thread. Although two of my male friends say they would like to meet what they consider a nice girl for a long term relationship, one is just online for no strings sex. However they agree that men can sleep with a women who they find attractive and have no emotion attached to the sex what so ever. As one of them said "if it isn't looking good as a long term prospect unless the girl is very unattractive to me, then I will sleep with her with no intention of taking anything any further." Awful I know but that's reality for them. They also said that the other reason the get put off is when women become intense really quickly following a date even if they really like her and haven't slept with her yet. Obviously we can't judge all men by my three friends standards!

I used to categorise the men I met for my own amusement more than anything (MN disclaimer, these categories are based on personal choice and thoughts)
1.The nice genuine guys - easy to spot I thought. Not many of them but they were just normal.
2.The players - very charming, always seemed too keen to quickly for it to be real (if that makes sense) and were constantly online looking for the next date even when they had agreed a date / been on a date with me etc.
3.The weirdoes / desperados / stalkers - got really clingy really quickly, sent loads of text messages / emails constantly, always had some sob story / weird historic baggage and always seemed desperate to meet really quickly after first dates. Made the mistake of going on dates with a few of these. Very difficult to get rid of them!
4.Sex pests / perverts - never met one. Easy to spot because their emails where normally cheesy and always had some sexual innuendo or explicit sexual content

On a side note. Not sure who said a 6 year or 10 year relationship isn't long term, what a load of complete BS that is. Anyone that thinks this must be living in the dark ages out of touch with modern life or they haven't been in a long term relationship before.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 03-Sep-13 09:14:28

I met a guy via OLD once and we met up for drinks, he wasn't exactly my 'type' but we got on well and I did end up really fancying him. We went on a few dates, he'd ring me at least twice a day and I let myself get carried away in believing it was going to be 'something special' hmm we slept together for the first time after our 5th date I think (we'd known each other just under 2 weeks) and he stayed the night at mine. The next morning he took out his mobile phone, whilst we were still in bed, and he started showing me photos of his ex- girlfriend when she had dressed up as a sexy rabbit for him and I'm talking quite risque lingerie shots! I couldn't believe it! Needless to say I was quite upset by this. Anyway he left and the day went on with no texts or phone calls which is the complete opposite of how he'd been over the last few weeks. I would text him and if he bothered replying it would be a half hearted one about 5 hours later. Then the contact just stopped. I phoned him a few days later and had it out with him and he ended it with me, saying I had made him feel very uncomfortable the morning he'd been at mine because of my having been upset. Apparently, by me not wanting to see naughty photos of his ex and hear about their sex life, it meant I was "too clingy" shock

But anyway, my point of the story, if the guy is a wanker it wouldnt have mattered whether you slept with him on the 1st date or the 10th date. Put it down to experience and move on to the next guy!

For what it's worth, the next guy I met via OLD is how my husband smile

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 08:30:50

I agree there's no magic formula regarding when you have sex, and you shouldn't worry about what they think, have sex if you want to.

However, some women become very attached after having sex, and feel very bad if the contact doesn't continue. This is not a bad thing, it just tells you casual sex (which some women enjoy) isn't for you. I have a very good friend who has been devastated by this type of behaviour in men because she just interprets the sex/texts as wanting a relationship and is hurt every single time it doesn't work out (in fact, worse each time as each time feels like a failure).

Have sex on internet dates if you are happy to enjoy that and never see the person again. You might see them again, you might even marry them, but it is better to know yourself and protect your own heart.

You should protect yourself physically and emotionally and for some people, this means giving casual encounters a swerve.

wtutoday Tue 03-Sep-13 03:09:53

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MariaLuna Sat 17-Aug-13 20:50:49

I have a friend who is still with her DH who she had sex with on the night they met.

Their kids are in their 20's.

Just saying....

I do think it's crazy how some posters are judging others' relationships on the nr. of years together, as if the only "real" thing is "till death us do part" hmm

OP, be thankful he showed you his true nasty colours so soon, better after 3 dates than 3 years down the line.

Onwards and upwards I say! grin

Oh, and next time, don't pamper yourself solely for a man, do it for yourself! Cos you're worth it!

AnyFucker Sat 17-Aug-13 15:48:08

grin

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 17-Aug-13 14:43:42

You obviously know me in RL Sweet. Or maybe we can recognize our own.grin

SweetSeraphim Sat 17-Aug-13 11:17:17

Dione grin You slaaaaag.

Lizzabadger Fri 16-Aug-13 23:05:06

There are loads of these shits on the internet. They get off on treating people like that. I am afraid you need to wise up quickly.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 16-Aug-13 22:33:03

Erm Bopeep, 'twas I who asked the question, not that slag Sweet.wink I wanted to know if you considered yourself in a LTR or if it was just other people's relationships that you judged.hmm

Kiriwawa Fri 16-Aug-13 20:03:25

Whether a relationship lasts has sod all to do with when you shag them. hmm

However, a lot of men are attracted to OD precisely because it's a great way to have casual sex. If that's what you're up for, then great. If not, then be a bit more circumspect

mameulah Fri 16-Aug-13 19:58:24

I met my dh on the internet! We are very happy and have a pfb ds.

I am not telling you that to rub salt in the wound when you are feeling sad, merely to give you hope!

I dated MILLIONS few guys online before I met my dh. I quickly eventually learned that it is always, ALWAYS better NOT to call the guy if you have any doubts.

Good luck. Don't let that guy put you off. Get over him fast and move on.

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 19:54:59

then got very drunk and texted him x 25 before finally telling him he was dumped

I love that you admitted this grin

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 19:53:42

Plus very good looking people are less likely to have worked on their personalities and turn out to be ZZzzzztastic... don't want to generalise of course so you dodged a bullet really OP

VelvetSpoon Fri 16-Aug-13 19:44:38

This guy sounds like typical OD male lowlife unfortunately.

Loads of them out there, mostly incapable of an actual relationship, who just shag about a bit but never get more involved. Its all about power games, and a fair bit of misogyny. A knobjockey like this doesn't actually like women much. Tbh he would have been doing you a favour by just not calling after the first date, rather than dragging it out like this.

I'd say the majority of men who OD are like this. There are a few decent ones, but they are hard impossible to find in amongst the scores of shag merchants.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 19:27:01

Nah, I think I'm fairly safe in August. Like most of the people where he works, August is effectively HOLIBOBS and they all piss off. Weird though, he only works down the road from me. I've been lucky.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 16-Aug-13 19:09:21

My FWB guy still texts now and then. I cba with him anymore. He was like a play-thing

Ive slept with more men since me xh split thna I ever did. I either found my mojo, or found dating sites.

I thought I did everything right on my last date, I didn't sleep with him, then got very drunk and texted him x 25 before finally telling him he was dumped blush

I honestly wish I had slept with him. He was an ex from the past so no online dodgy nonsense and I still managed to fuck it up

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