Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Internet dating - was I getting played? :(

(85 Posts)
Jennynero Thu 15-Aug-13 17:24:43

Hi everyone,

So I started internet dating about 2 weeks ago and went on 2 OK dates (nice guys, no connection). Then I met this guy and felt a massive connection the minute I saw him. He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on. He said he felt the same and we did the dirty on the 1st night (stupid I know but it's been a loooong time for me).

To my amazement, he carried on texting me and we met up again (no sex). Things were going great, he was texting me lovely long messages, putting it into my head that he could see it going somewhere.

Anyway, date number 3 was a disaster!! It was like he was a different person. He was really standoffish and even got his phone out to read work emails just as I started talking (he didn't seem bothered when I said it was rude). We kind of had sex but he was almost playing a game with me where we didn't do it properly because he wanted to do it all night the next night (we had already arranged for him to stay at my house as it was a friday). I think he was trying to make me want him??? wtf??

The next day I woke up feeling so confused. I didn't get what had happened the night before and felt crappy and cheap. I text him that morning to cancel and I ended up blurting out that I had no idea what last night was about and wanted clarification on whether we were just sleeping together or getting to know each other (crazy I know, I had known him a week at this point!). I had already fallen at this point and there was no turning back sad

Anyway, we got past all that and arranged to meet on the Monday. He cancelled but had a plausible excuse and arranged to come over the next day. By this point, the texts were drying up and I felt like he was losing interest. I went out, bought sexy new underwear, got all dressed up for him, hair, makeup etc. I had text him about 5pm asking what time he was coming over.

So as I was sat all dolled up with rollers in, I get a text nearly 2 hours after my text at 5, saying 'you are gonna hate me, i can't make it'. No explanation, no phone call, no apology!!! I was so peed off that I had gone to all that effort just to get cancelled on!!

I told him that was strike 2 as he had already cancelled the night before and he simply replied 'what was strike 1 for?'. Anyway, i decided to end it and he just said take care. Take care!!!!

I just don't get it! We had arranged to meet at the weekend and he was going to stay at mine. He had also mention me staying over at his sometime. Why was he giving me all these mixed messages? Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

I still really like him (sad I know) and i'm dying to text him, what I don't know. I just want to see him again, I almost miss him and the sex was amazing!

Am I being a mug or overreacting??

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 12:01:52

Erm - firstly, bopeep - whether they're ex or not, they ARE something to be proud of because they gave me my beautiful children.

And secondly, I was answering Ra88 who said

<sorry but you were being too easy for him>

Trying to prove the point that you don't get automatically dumped for putting out on the first date hmm confused

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 12:02:48

I hate the idea that women are though of as being easy for having sex when they feel like it. Move on, women, it's not 1950. Women are allowed to like sex too.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 16-Aug-13 12:18:25

SweetSerephim- I get what you're saying....bit harsh of Bobeep!!!!

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 12:29:04

Played like a fish OP. Sleep with a date if you want but know that it won't guarantee anything, so if you feel that's going to crush you emotionally, don't do it. Some people are better built for that than others.

Establish some standards for yourself in terms of people's behaviour, i.e, make clear to yourself what you won't tolerate (being standoffish and reading texts would be one for me, I'd have gone on a trip to the loo and not come back). Once you've done that, don't tolerate those things!! You behaved the way he wanted, that is, put up with his treating you like shit, and that allowed him to despise you with impunity. Don't go there again.

Brodicea Fri 16-Aug-13 12:35:46

Tricky - I think when it comes to internet dating, and if you ARE after a serious relationship, it is best to leave the sex for a long time. I did this for a bit and found holding out really weeded out the wrong 'uns: one guy, really nice, attractive, great connection, said goodnight on the doorstep on the first date, same on the next and then before the third he rang to say 'I hope you know I'm not looking for anything serious' and I said 'well I am actually, so if you're not we might as well leave it there'. I was gutted, and I cried, but I would have felt a lot worse if we'd had sex and he'd just phased himself out.

BUT don't be hard on yourself, it's easy for us to be smug and tell you what you should have done, when the feelings are flowing it's difficult: ultimately he's an arsehole and you are ace and deserve a lot better! He'll feel very hollow, if he doesn't already, with all this bullshit and you'll find someone worth your time, secy underwear and all

I did have sex with DH very quickly (at a festival, so two days in - does that count as two dates?), but he was a friend of a very close friend so I felt he came with 'references' wink

Brodicea Fri 16-Aug-13 12:36:41

*sexy not secy!

SarahBumBarer Fri 16-Aug-13 13:07:36

sad This is one of the most naive posts I have ever read.

OP - dou really think that OD is for you at least right now?

He has treated you like shit and yet you are desperate to text him and miss him and have fallen for him? You has sex twice and once was weird and game playin and yet your recollection is that you had "amazing" sex.

He was rude and stand-offish and yet you had sex with him. He treated you badly and your response was to buy sexy undies.

confused shock confused [hmmm]

You have totally inadequate boundaries and it really does not seem that casual sex is for you as you seem to hugely equate being sexually attracted to someone as falling for them. I also suspect that in "ending it" you were hoping to shock him in to getting his act together and realising what he was missing - really bad tactic.

Xenadog Fri 16-Aug-13 13:17:41

Chalk it up to experience.

Just think about the mistakes you made with this guy and then make sure you don't make them with anyone else.

If you were my mate in real life I would say write this one off to experience and in future don't jump into bed with anyone regardless of any instant connection or whatever. If it's a relationship you want then it really is better to meet someone and learn about them as a person rather than having sex too early on. (Oh and only you can decide when it's too early).

There are plenty of players around - both on and off the net - so you do need to be a bit more guarded if you want to avoid being treated badly and hurt in the future.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 16-Aug-13 13:26:10

Bopeep the poster descibed relationships that lasted 10 and 6 years. Proof that having sex at the first night is not prohibitive to a long term relationship.

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 13:36:04

I don't consider 6 years long term Dione. maybe 25 or 30 years , yes, but 6? No way.

Helltotheno Fri 16-Aug-13 13:39:30

Relationship breakdown: one of those facts of life I would've thought. Or are we all supposed to be giving our cherry to The One at 17 and staying with him for 60 years? That whole thing didn't work out so well if I remember correctly.... hmm

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 16-Aug-13 14:00:57

Really Bopeep? Wow. By that token, no one under the age if 40 could possibly be in a longterm relationship!shock And even then it would have to have started in their teens.

Are you in a longterm relationship? How long have you been with your partner/husband?

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 14:08:24

missbopeep That is utter crap. How long the relationships lasted is irrelevant. My point was that the OP hasn't been dumped because she had sex with this man on the first date.

I know someone that waited a YEAR to give it up - and she was still dumped a week later.

I'm not really sure what your point is.

Anyway, OP, look at this as a handy swerve. This bloke was always going to piss you around, he's that type. There are good 'uns out there, I promise. But you will have to develop a thick skin and a massive set of balls if you carry on OD smile

Apocalypto Fri 16-Aug-13 14:13:29

I started internet dating ... Then I met this guy ... He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on.

As did the 10 or 15 other women who noticed him when he signed up. So he shagged you because he could, and now he's shagging all the others because he can.

He was probably internet dating to begin with because being "handsome, tall, intelligent" he's shagged everyone he knows, has run out and thus has moved on to shagging everyone he doesn't know.

My golden rule of social life has always been "never plan round someone you can't rely on", which as far as internet dating means everyone.

bestsonever Fri 16-Aug-13 14:28:28

I hope he wore protection. If not definitely get checked out. There is obviously a high risk of meeting someone who is after just sex if you have sex on a first date - your other personal attributes being unknown and irrelevant to him at that point.
This goes for men or women, in either case it is a bad idea and proves nothing about how long term it could be as you don't know each other enough.
Always better to find out the man is a tosser before the act than after, stops regret.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 14:35:56

There are quite a few chaps like this. I had a similar experience. Forgive me if I have to keep some details vague, but I don't want to be too identifiable.

Lovely chap, somewhat younger than me started messaging me on a dating website. We messaged a lot. He was in the country that I was planning to move to (and where I now live). We started to Skype and were getting on really well. He would disappear occasionally and then come back - I wasn't that bothered at the time as I was seeing people in London. Then I had a job interview in the city he lived in - so it seemed an ideal opportunity to meet. I also managed to meet someone else off the same site that day - it was a busy day.

Having meet guy no1 I realised there was definitely an attraction - the contact between us became more intense. About two months after he'd first contacted me I went over for the weekend. (I hadn't actually planned to do that - I was really certain I'd get an interview for a job and then didn't get the interview - but decided to go anyway).

So...we had a very glorious Saturday. Sunday he was like a different person. I really wanted to go out, so he took me to a local market, but walked ahead of me a bit sullen, not really talking to me. I asked if something was up, said I would go and do something on my own if he preferred, but he said no, everything was fine. I felt it really wasn't. It was almost like he couldn't wait for me to go.

I got precisely one email from him after that trip.

He did pop up again some months later, disappeared and then popped up again. I then blocked him. Fortunately I've not run into him at all. Before I got to the blocking stage and was still at the googling stage, I found FB pictures of him at a party surrounded by women, exactly one week after I was there.

Dating sites are great for guys like this. I try and be more careful now. (Try).

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 14:53:14

My golden rule of social life has always been "never plan round someone you can't rely on", which as far as internet dating means everyone

grin Apocalypto So true.

Dione - don't talk about me. I am a scarlet harlot. I am to be shamed grin

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 14:58:02

I have had some INCREDIBLY unreliable internet daters. One last December managed to re-arrange or cancel three times after our first date (the final cancellation being 10 minutes before he was supposed to arrive) so I binned him.

VeniVidiVici Fri 16-Aug-13 15:08:32

I beg to differ Jan 45 and others , I slept with my now dh of 16 yrs the first night, the attraction was seriously hard to fight and I know he respects me immensely.

Your guy though OP sounds as if he loves the power and effect he has on you, bit of a an ego-tripper or narcissist? Steer clear.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 16-Aug-13 15:09:58

Op this is very common especially with online dating, I agree ignore, block, move on.

He sounds like the type to contact you again in a few weeks tbh

BitOutOfPractice Fri 16-Aug-13 15:18:48

Oh yes, he'll pop up again at some point in the next few months.

I had a guy text me only yesterday giving me all the charm only yesterday (to be fair to him I was the one who cooled it after date 2). I was able to tell him I had met a lovely guy and was very happy

It will happen OP but you need to play a much calmer game than this

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 15:20:49

They always do pop up again.

One chap (there have been a few) - I had a date with him. It was ok but not outstanding. Didn't know if I was attracted but often don't know until The Kiss.

So he also lets me down - actually stands me up and then texts to say he was in a meeting. I didn't reply. He continued to text me for months although I never replied.

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 15:21:15

Sweet- That is utter crap. How long the relationships lasted is irrelevant. My point was that the OP hasn't been dumped because she had sex with this man on the first date.

and that's utter crap.

How can you possibly know she wasn't dumped because she had sex on the first date?

Can you read his mind?

There are plenty of men who will dump a woman after 1 date- their first- when they've had sex. It's called the thrill of the chase. Or maybe it wasn't the chase, but the sex that was crap, or he didn't like her after he got to know her better.... ( OP I'm not having a go at you, but just illustrating a general point).

The truth is no one knows why she was dumped.

You can be dumped after having sex with someone 1000s of times or once.

But from what I'm reading here and what I think personally, it's better to wait if there is any chance at all he is just after a shag- unless that's all you want too.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 16-Aug-13 15:31:36

I tend to jump in quite quickly. The last guy I THOUGHT was going to be a relationship, I waited. It wasn't a relationship - he just wanted sex. See you never know, you can wait and it still goes wrong. So at least if you sleep with them quickly you get sex.

arsenaltilidie Fri 16-Aug-13 15:32:51

sweet reality is for every one that develops into a LTR 100s of women would be played.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now