Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Internet dating - was I getting played? :(

(85 Posts)
Jennynero Thu 15-Aug-13 17:24:43

Hi everyone,

So I started internet dating about 2 weeks ago and went on 2 OK dates (nice guys, no connection). Then I met this guy and felt a massive connection the minute I saw him. He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on. He said he felt the same and we did the dirty on the 1st night (stupid I know but it's been a loooong time for me).

To my amazement, he carried on texting me and we met up again (no sex). Things were going great, he was texting me lovely long messages, putting it into my head that he could see it going somewhere.

Anyway, date number 3 was a disaster!! It was like he was a different person. He was really standoffish and even got his phone out to read work emails just as I started talking (he didn't seem bothered when I said it was rude). We kind of had sex but he was almost playing a game with me where we didn't do it properly because he wanted to do it all night the next night (we had already arranged for him to stay at my house as it was a friday). I think he was trying to make me want him??? wtf??

The next day I woke up feeling so confused. I didn't get what had happened the night before and felt crappy and cheap. I text him that morning to cancel and I ended up blurting out that I had no idea what last night was about and wanted clarification on whether we were just sleeping together or getting to know each other (crazy I know, I had known him a week at this point!). I had already fallen at this point and there was no turning back sad

Anyway, we got past all that and arranged to meet on the Monday. He cancelled but had a plausible excuse and arranged to come over the next day. By this point, the texts were drying up and I felt like he was losing interest. I went out, bought sexy new underwear, got all dressed up for him, hair, makeup etc. I had text him about 5pm asking what time he was coming over.

So as I was sat all dolled up with rollers in, I get a text nearly 2 hours after my text at 5, saying 'you are gonna hate me, i can't make it'. No explanation, no phone call, no apology!!! I was so peed off that I had gone to all that effort just to get cancelled on!!

I told him that was strike 2 as he had already cancelled the night before and he simply replied 'what was strike 1 for?'. Anyway, i decided to end it and he just said take care. Take care!!!!

I just don't get it! We had arranged to meet at the weekend and he was going to stay at mine. He had also mention me staying over at his sometime. Why was he giving me all these mixed messages? Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

I still really like him (sad I know) and i'm dying to text him, what I don't know. I just want to see him again, I almost miss him and the sex was amazing!

Am I being a mug or overreacting??

something2say Thu 15-Aug-13 17:28:30

Never test the depth of a river by jumping in with both feet xxx
He was not the first guy you met.
He is the guy you are not meeting nowxxxxx

missbopeep Thu 15-Aug-13 17:28:58

Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

yes and yes.

His behaviour was all about power- and all on his terms.

It's rotten for you but he sounds like a typical 'thrill of the chase', treat 'em mean... kind of guy.

You're much too nice for him.

Bin and don't contact him.

If he really likes you he knows where you are.

amessagetoyouYoni Thu 15-Aug-13 17:34:28

He sounds like hard work already. Give him a massive swerve and move on!

it's over, you'll never hear from him again...or he'll pop up in about 3 months time and expect you to fall at his feet.

Twinklestein Thu 15-Aug-13 17:36:15

He probably has a 'massive connection' with many of the women he meets online.

If continue net dating then you need to wise up fast.

minkembernard Thu 15-Aug-13 17:52:52

Chalk that one up to experience OP and move on.

Plenty nicer fish in the sea.

Jennynero Thu 15-Aug-13 17:56:14

Thanks for the advice guys, it's always good getting an outsiders perspective.

I feel so stupid! Thought I could handle just having casual sex and that I wouldn't care but I can't at all.

Is it normal to feel so attached after a few nights together? Why do men go to such lengths to trick us? If he had mentioned from the beginning it was just sex then I could have handled it. Now I just feel used and upset. sad

Twinklestein Thu 15-Aug-13 18:14:25

It's normal to feel attached to someone you've had sex with if you're female, yes.

It's important to ask upfront what the guy is looking for. And factor in that a certain % will tell you what they think you want to hear so you agree to have sex with them...

ALittleStranger Thu 15-Aug-13 20:02:11

If you want casual sex then don't have it with someone you want a relationship with.

His behaviour is crappy and it might well be a power trip. Or not. You don't know that he set out wanting it to be "just sex". You started sleeping together as near strangers. It's perfectly possible that as he got to know you he decided he just wasn't that interested. If he wanted just sex he'd probably still be having sex with you.

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Aug-13 20:11:23

He was good at forging an immediate connection, wasn't he? Handsome, too. It's easy to see how you were caught up in it all. You have to remember he was good because he'd had a lot of practice. It must be quite powerful to watch someone falling for you. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just to see what kind of man you were falling for.

And then he was reading his phone while you were talking. It's an excellent way of making sure that someone feels like shit. If he'd done that on the first night, of course, you wouldn't have slept with him. He wanted to put you in your place. I suppose the third date is the time when he felt confident enough to treat you badly. He did it well, didn't he? It was deliberate, you know. He really isn't a nice man.

I think he'll be back in touch again soon. Be warned. If you see him again after he's treated you like this, you're giving him the message that he can do whatever he wants.

Block and ignore. Don't "forget" all of this and just remember the good things. And most of all, don't get in touch with him whatever you do. You really would be giving him a clear signal if you did.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Aug-13 20:14:50

You are fooling yourself most of all

You say "if he had said it was just sex, I would have been ok with it"

No, you wouldn't

be honest with yourself before you expect any honesty from others

yes, you've been played, but tbh, you were wiiiiiide open to it

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Aug-13 20:20:21

Figuratively speaking, I hope!

cantreachmytoes Thu 15-Aug-13 20:35:06

Sounds like he was a player. Don't feel bad about getting played, it happens.

Very likely you'll hear from him randomly one day. He will still be a player and still wanting to play you. Up to you whether you choose to be played by him again.

On the upside, you got good sex!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 15-Aug-13 20:41:48

WElcome to the world of internet dating!

There ARE lots of nice men out there but you are going to have to get a LOT more savvy or you'll end up a wreck sad

Keep your cards close to your chest for WAY longer than this and get to know someone a bit better before you fall for them

I'm sorry this has happened to you but it's so common I can't tell you.

Good luck

minkembernard Fri 16-Aug-13 09:39:17

OP you now have a boundary. you don't think his treatment of you was acceptable. don't accept it in future. boundaries are an excellent thing to have so look upon this as an experience that helped you define your boundaries. This Will stand you in good stead for your future and help you sort the wheat from the chaf.

Really you should be pleased that you spotted his off behaviour so quickly and took action. well done.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 09:46:14

What Bit said. I internet dated for quite a while before I met DP, and there are soooo many of these. You have to really have a thick skin, its not for everyone. Sorry this has happened. These men are what used to be known as a 'cad' wink

Oh dear, he sounds like a player. But the experiences are not for regretting, just for learning from, IMO.

I disagree that women can't have sex without feeling a "connection", btw. Women are perfectly capable of having casual sex. The problem here though was that the OP did actually want a relationship with this man, which means the sex wasn't casual to her. And you can't re-write sex after the fact to change it to "casual" when it wasn't.

Jan45 Fri 16-Aug-13 10:03:47

You will learn, and don't shag on the first night if you are looking for a relationship, it very rarely works out, regardless of the feminists out there, he will think you are cheap.

It all sounds very full on for such a short period of time - I think he got the message that you were pretty desperate for him but then going cold afterwards - sounds like you were playing a bit of a game too, you went to an awful lot of bother for somebody you'd only just met, dressing up etc, save that for someone who has earned it.

I'd forget about him now if you can, if a relationship doesn't get off to a good start then it usually means it isn't going to ever.

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 10:13:31

And - I also agree with Annie - women are perfectly capable of casual sex without needing a connection.

arsenaltilidie Fri 16-Aug-13 10:19:04

Yes women can have casual relationships but women often get hurt in these situation.

Given the effort you've already put it in, you (and countless others) were falling for him big time. At least he didnt stick around to really hurt you.

Ra88 Fri 16-Aug-13 10:30:40

sorry but you were being too easy for him .. he will call you when he wants a booty call but that's as far as it'll go !
leave a little to his imagination for a while next time

SweetSeraphim Fri 16-Aug-13 10:34:25

Sorry Ra but I totally disagree with you. I slept with my dd's dad and my stbxh on the first date and we were together for 10 and 6 years respectively. That's nonsense. IMHO of course.

ARealDame Fri 16-Aug-13 10:35:14

Agree with others, especially Imperial Blether. If he makes you feel so rubbish and degraded on the third date, think how bad it would get further along the line. Only advice: block, ignore and move on. He will have moved on already, I'd bet you a pony he will already be focusing on his next internet dating prey (though will try to keep you as a side order perhaps for lean times). Unfortunately, internet dating is crawling with people with personality disorders and players like this.

I am sorry this happened to you. (Something v. similar happened to me.) I agree with Minkin that its great you clocked something unpleasant going on, and put your boundaries down, maybe try to focus on that positive.

missbopeep Fri 16-Aug-13 11:13:41

But sweet both those relationships ( or is the Dds dad and the stbx one person?) you mention are ex relationship(s)- so why hold them up as something to be proud of and even suggest?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now