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Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

(318 Posts)

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cazakstan Thu 08-Aug-13 20:58:14

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

pointythings Thu 08-Aug-13 21:03:27

You can't change her, you can only protect yourself. Just because you and she are mother and daughter doesn't mean you have to like each other, just as siblings don't have to like each other. My mother and my grandmother never did, though they did manage a measure of mutual respect and tolerance in their later years.

It sounds as if she is taking advantage of you - she wants you to do things for her but isn't prepared to behave like a civilised human being. So you need to stop pandering to her and limit contact to polite but formal. It will hurt, but will that be any worse than allowing her to hurt you on a daily basis?

flowers

LEMisdisappointed Thu 08-Aug-13 21:03:46

She doesn't hate you, she just needs to grow up, still!! My eldest dd is 23 and there is NO WAY, we could live together again, we'd end up killing each other. I adore her and would lay down my life for her, but i recognise that we are never going to have a pally mum/daughter relationship and whilst that makes me really sad, i have to respect that.

It could be she is jealous of her younger sisters easier relationship with you.

misskatamari Thu 08-Aug-13 21:04:28

This sounds like a horrible situation for you all to be in. It sounds like there are a lot of issues going back for years which haven't been addressed.

When things calm down a bit do you think your daughter might agree to some form of counselling with you? I think you both need a chance to sit down and express how you feel and really listen to each other if you want to mend your relationship. It sounds like an impartial third party would be useful in doing this as it seems like if the two of you alone try to deal with things it will result in an argument.

Sorry that's probably not too helpful. Just how it seems to me from what you have posted.

cazakstan Thu 08-Aug-13 21:16:34

I do think that it's about self preservation now. I do just wish that it could be different. I don't think that we will ever as mother and daughter be able to get to the bottom of whatever is eating away at her, it's just too hard.
I have no choice other than to limit contact. I have a really great partner and my youngest daughter is great...both are really supportive. None of us want it this way with my eldest but you are right...she is taking advantage and she does need to grow up, and it is painful.

DameEdnasBridesmaid Thu 08-Aug-13 21:16:53

I agree with pointy Maybe you should try and stop 'taking her on'. When she starts don't bite. Say 'mmmm.., yeah, shame etc. ' and just carry on with whatever you are doing.

Telling her to shut the fuck up , just joined in her game.

Ignore, don't argue, don't enable. Just let her crack on, if you don't get on the carousel, you won't go round in circles.

ModreB Thu 08-Aug-13 21:22:20

My eldest ds is like this. Very judgemental, very set on what he thinks is right and wrong. He thinks that I have made terrible choices in my life, as we are money poor, no house, we rent from the Council etc etc. He is now degree educated and will enter his chosen field at the top of his profession.

What he doesn't realise, and will never know is that I come from a background so far removed from what I have provided for him that he has no idea that it exists. I protected all of my DC's from the upbringing that I had (drunkenness, physical, sexual and emotional DV, debt, hunger, criminality, mental abuse, abuse for being wanting something better)

I rose from being a bastard child, in a hostel for homeless families when me and DH first married, thanks Maggie and the exorbitant rates that stopped us getting a first home before my DM kicked us out, (I was called The Bastard in my GP's Church in 1968) to having a home, a good job, a degree, a husband of 25 years, who I am still with, and I have pride in what I have achieved, which unfortunately seems to have passed him by.

God, I wish he knew some of the dregs of the family that I knew. sad

CailinDana Thu 08-Aug-13 22:03:57

What caused her to move out at 16?

DuelingFanjo Thu 08-Aug-13 22:06:09

Yes, why did she move out and what led to her never coming back?

cazakstan Thu 08-Aug-13 22:15:58

OMG...sounds just like my upbringing. I really think that some things just make us stronger. I never preached to my daughters that they had it easier when they were growing up. I do talk to both of them now that they are grown ups about some stuff...eldest one is always going to be hard to get on with, but my youngest daughter understands how life was hard for me. She also understands that her older sister makes things harder for me and does herself no favours...they are both entirely different children. I think a lot of kids now just expect things, that the world owes them. It,s bloody hard with that kind of attitude. I think you should always wish a better life for your children.

Partridge Thu 08-Aug-13 22:31:37

I'm going to be a little direct here,but imagine if this post had been written by your daughter - what would her perspective be on it? Why did she move out at 16?

I would be horrified if anyone told me to shut the fuck up - regardless of how much I had been criticising my sister. I have never told anyone to stfu - it's aggressive and inflammatory. I sense a favouritism for your younger dd from this post alone - i suspect this is historic and is probably pretty difficult for your dd1 to deal with.

She knows you don't like her and you are presenting a united front with dd2 - you won't even deliver her belongings but get your dp to do it. I suspect she is feeling pretty unloved and I for one feel very sorry for her.

You seem full of righteous indignation, but she seems to have made a huge success of her life despite leaving home at 16. Pretty admirable but you seem to be giving her little credit.

I am 35 and my mother's scorn and criticism can still sting like nobody else's - you only have to look at lots of the messages on here about mother/daughter relationships to see how much damage can be done from an early age. Sorry, but I think you need to look into yourself a bit here.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 08-Aug-13 22:32:20

I would tell my dc that stuff. Teaches humility. I think there can be such a thing as protecting TOO much ie from reality. If I had achieved what you two have and passed onto my dc enabling them to achieve what they have, I would make sure they had awareness of it.

cazakstan Thu 08-Aug-13 22:32:49

I was a single parent...working part time. I was there for both of them. We did things as a family...trips out, cooking all the usual stuff. My eldest had a friend who's mother had an affair and then left her husband. Moved just down the road from us. Then as she was 16 she started going out with her friend and her friends mother...one night a week, then more often. Then she said her friends mother was a better mother than me...I don't drink or rather I didn't then (like the odd glass of red now) I don't smoke, didn't sleep around. So we had a massive argument about this...I went out to play golf, 4 hours later when I came home she had packed her stuff and left with the help of her friend and her friends mother. I didn't see her for 4 months. Since then it's been a strained relationship. She finished school...started her AS levels...made a mistake and wished she'd gone to art college...I got her an interview and she started next day. She came top of the class...got a scholarship and went to uni. Gained a top degree all with my help and support. She thinks that everything she has achieved in life she has done so off her own back...I have never said...what about this or that. I am proud of both my daughters...my youngest is planning on going to med school...at 22 now she'll be a doctor by the time she's 30...so what she'll get there at her own pace. My eldest has been giving my youngest hell over this...saying that she should have a career now. That only middle class kids get to be doctors. Now she's got her degree and almost finished her masters she thinks that's put her up a class....AND she thinks she's done all this by herself...well that's ok. Just why does she hate me so much...why does she have to have issues.

Viviennemary Thu 08-Aug-13 22:44:12

I wish people would stop worrying just because they don't have this idyllic relationship with their daughters. I don't think you have done anything wrong in the way you have dealt with the situation. And it's absolutely nothing to do with your older daughter what your younger one does and she should be congratulated for going to medical school.

She doesn't hate you. But she does have issues. You both probably need to be apart for a while. She has said some incredibly cruel things to you but try not to take them to heart because there is no point.

CailinDana Thu 08-Aug-13 22:44:22

Am i right in saying she left at 16 and you did nothing to get her back home?

Sconset Thu 08-Aug-13 22:44:27

When did her father leave? WHen did DP arrive on the scene? How old was DD1?

Partridge Thu 08-Aug-13 22:48:16

vivienne what incredibly cruel things has the dd said? I genuinely can't find any, other than that what she has achieved is off her own back.

If I left home at 16 and achieved what she did I would want to take most of the credit too.

Partridge Thu 08-Aug-13 22:49:47

Sorry I see the stuff she said when she was 16. Didn't we all hate our parents at 16? I think I probably said worse tbh.

Viviennemary Thu 08-Aug-13 22:55:46

I think it was cruel to say they are not a family and didn't behave like a proper family. Where is this perfect proper family. You are a family as nobody else would put up with her behaviour. That's what somebody should tell her.

Umlauf Thu 08-Aug-13 23:01:29

Have you always had a better relationship with your youngest? It is extremely hurtful to be on the wrong end of favouritism, no matter your age, and your eldest's confrontational attitude with her sister sounds like she is insecure and jealous.

I have to agree with Partridge I'm afraid, there is something about your posts which comes across as righteousness, why can't she see all her achievements are down to you, why can't she be as perfect as your other daughter etc. you may not have vocalised these things but she will have picked up on them.

You hung up on her when she asked you to talk to her properly after you had sworn at her and accused her of being nasty and made her feel as though you had ordered her out of her home. You don't like her, she obviously knows this, she is protecting herself by building an emotional barrier.

What does your Mum think of the whole situation?

I feel really sad for her sad it sounds like you've given up on her. Counselling would be a fantastic idea, either individually or together.

Partridge Thu 08-Aug-13 23:06:16

But maybe they don't feel like a proper family to the dd. All I have seen in a lot of these posts - mostly from the op- is a stubborn refusal to validate dd1's feelings. It sounds incredibly frustrating for her.

I hope the grandmother is being supportive of her as she seems very alone.

Partridge Thu 08-Aug-13 23:09:01

And "trips out and all the usual cooking" does not a family make.

annielouisa Thu 08-Aug-13 23:09:10

I think she probably feels you did not try hard enough to stop her leaving at 16. Whether it is true or not she feels you love DD2 more than her.

I had a bit of a wild child at 16 (DD2) she left home but I fought to get her back and supported her through dark times because I am her mother and my love is unconditional. She has worked hard for the life she has now and I am proud of the person she has become.

I have a lovely DD1 who never lead me into such dark places as DD2 but I love them both dearly and understand that whatever path a child takes they are forever your child.

sameoldIggi Thu 08-Aug-13 23:10:26

Sounds a bit like you and younger dd are a team, which must leave other dd out. Stfu is not something a mother should say to her daughter, IMHO. I would apologise for that. Remember that you can love her without liking everything about her.
I think a lot of us would leave home at 16, if we had someone else who would have us!

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Aug-13 23:13:30

I think if you've never felt that dislike emanating from your own child, it's almost impossible to understand how awful it is. It's nothing like the dislike you might feel coming from anyone else, whether that's a husband, parent or sibling. It cuts to the quick.

The OP had to bring up the children alone. Again, that's very hard to truly understand if you haven't gone through it. For her own child to say that they weren't a family when the OP has done her utter best, that again hurts like hell.

Yes, the elder daughter sounds jealous of the younger daughter. Often a troublesome child doesn't seem to understand that a less troublesome child has a different relationship with a parent. Of course love is unconditional but the fact is an easier child is easier to be with. You relax more with them.

The OP feels judged by her daughter. Her daughter abandoned the family and replaced it with another family. That again must hurt like hell.

I think the elder daughter could do with counselling and I think the OP could do with it, too.

Please, can we just be supportive of the OP? This is clearly a very painful time for her.

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