Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What to do about the most amazing woman in the world...(53 Posts)
40 year old single male here after your wise and honest opinions on what to do about a potential relationship.
Started a new job 3 months ago involving lots of travel abroad. Got posted with the most amazing colleague I could ever have wished for: she's single, similar age, background etc.
We often end up spending at least 16 hours a day together and we've both agreed we have a great time and we often get mistaken for a couple. It's like we're on holiday together rather than working away from home. We're constantly joking and touching each other without any awkwardness and we happily flit in and out of each other's hotel rooms without any awkwardness.
I honestly can't remember the last time I just enjoyed being with someone so much - it doesn't matter what we do as long as we're together - walk, eat, watch traffic etc. I haven't said or 'tried' anything as we're officially colleagues and I really like and respect her. I do give her a deliberately long handshake when we return home for a few days after weeks together which again, she doesn't seem to mind! The longest we've spent apart since meeting is 10 days and we were texting each other at least every other day and then carried on as we were once we went away back to work.
She loves shopping and I've happily spent many(!) hours shopping with her and on looking at jewellery and rings, I've jokingly said we'll be back soon to buy ours and she hasn't objected or said yes or no.
She has said during quiet moments together that she would prefer a man who doesn't smoke, drink 2 pints on most nights and is a little out of shape - ie me but these are all relatively easily fixable right?! I've yet to find a single thing I'd change about her!
My current options are:
a) Carry on as we are and see what happens
b) Tell her I really like her and see what happens? Could be awkward working together if she doesn't feel the same?
I'd appreciate your thoughts - do you think she's interested in me just as a friend or maybe as a potential partner? What I should do next? Or should I just grow up and stop being so pathetically besotted?!
I don't think she's that into you either.You are who you are, and I don't think that is what she is looking for at the moment.
Please don't go for a kiss unless she initiates it. Just too embarrassing for words.
I'd drop the little hints too - long handshakes, jokey ring comments - she is probably tolerating them rather than enjoying them.
haven't read all the replies but my take is:
if i listed things that disinterested me in a man to a man who did/was those things i would clearly be telling him i wasn't interested without saying it outright.
I could never date a smoker, even if he was perfect in every other way.
Agree with those who say she's just not that into you, OP.
I think smokers don't realize how much of a del turnoff it is for non smokers, that's the one thing I'd change and then see whatbhappens.
PS meant to say I think there's quite a difference between spending '16+ hours together' in an exciting new environment than there would be say, in your home town. I also think that having only spent 10 hours apart is more to do with the business of the job at the moment. The way this is heading, it sounds quite unsustainable. The reason I say is this, how much do you really know about her? This is conjecture but am trying to make a point - say, for example, something cropped up in her life that would change the current dynamic? eg an ex of hers or a new partner comes into the picture? Would that change the cosy-coupley way you are together when you're working away from home? You might feel less inclined to be all puppy dog about her if eg she mentioned she was excited about seeing someone when she got home.
PPS and never change yourself to suit someone else's ideal. That is not the basis of a healthy relationship.
hi OP I think you've got a little ahead of yourself here, it all sounds a bit intense (on your part) tbh. You've only known this person, a colleague, for 3 months and its all been a bit whirlwind travelling abroad and hanging out together etc.
I'm not clear whether you're spending '16 hrs a day together' whilst in the UK or whilst you're away travelling for work. I think it sounds more like you both get on well and you're comfortable in each other's company which is ideal when you have to travel a lot together for work.
I too thought that comment about what she'd like in a partner (eg opposite to you) may have been a gentle hint that she just likes you as a colleague/friend. It could be that she felt the need to say this if she has become conscious of the feelings you've clearly developed for her. However it is difficult to tell from reading on here.
I certainly wouldn't push for anything else at this stage - if she liked you in that way, I think she'd let you know. Otherwise don't go ruining a perfectly good working relationship/career over it. I think you should remain professional and keep your emotions in check and don't blur the lines between work and pleasure.
I'm sorry but I think her comments about the smoking/fitness etc. were a very subtle gentle 'message' that she's not really into you. Maybe I'm wrong but that's the impression I get. I agree with the thoughts that you've been 'friendzoned'.
'Friendzoning is bullshit because women are not machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.'
If you can do without smoking OP, then why not quit? It would open up the dating field a bit.
If yoou really like this woman don't totally write it off, you can respectfully ask if she sees anything developing between you. Just don't turn into a massive knobber if she says no. If you get closure one way or the other you'll move on quicker.
Hmmm, I think you've been friendzoned.
Agree with the smoking comments - give up for yourself, and enjoy the fringe benefits.
As for the perfect woman, I'd say continue as you are. I had a work friend like you once. I enjoyed his company, he emailed me all the time, we went out after work together etc, but he was firmly in the friends box. I didn't want to change that, and on the odd occasion when he got a bit too intense I had a habit of walking out on on him and getting a cab.
BUT, I've now been married to him for 13 years. Not always happily mind, we've had our share of problems, but I think the fact we have always been such good friends helped us get through those.
It's too long and boring a story to go into here, but I did suddenly one day fall in love with him. It does happen, not always but it can. Don't whatever you do lunge in for a kiss, but continue as you are and if things never change at least you will have a life long friend out of it.
Smoking is grim, it makes you unattractive and smelly and may well put off many women who might otherwise be interested in you.
Enjoy those there "treats" won't you?
Even if she isn't to be one for you, please stop the smoking for your own sake.
you may as well give up then. Bit of a crap treat.
Many Thanks for all your responses.
Definitely agree with changing yourself only for yourself and people have to take you as you are.
My guts say just enjoy it as it is for now and get on with life and they're rarely wrong so best to put the sillyness behind me and go with them I think!
I see we're having quite a debate about smokers! I should've said I genuinely can easily go without when I choose to and I really do only choose to smoke no more than 3 cigs a day as a 'treat'!
Que sera sera...
Say to her gently but clearly that you really respect her as a friend but that you wondered, if ever, you and her could be anything 'more'. Please don t go in for the kiss. It'd embarrass you both if she didn t want it and you d ruin a v good friendship. Say to her that you re asking cause you d never want to do anything like that which would make her feel really uncomfortable.. that you value her so much as a friend...
And as for the smoking, it d be a deal breaker for me too. How attached are you to them? Why not just chuck them if you aren't. I think her comments could either be a) letting you down gently and defining you as a friend, or b) saying 'these things are very impt to me so raise your game and I ll possibly rethink'.
I had a friend whose partner gave up smoking, drinking and swearing for his gf, who then became his wife, and whom he royally dumped after the birth of their daughter because he 'hadn't felt like himself in years.'
Change for you, not for anyone else.
It doesn't matter a whit that some other people think smoking and a beer belly are dealbreakers. For the record, I'm a pot-bellied smoker and would prefer a man with the same qualities
I think she's just not that into you, my love. There have been plenty of opportunities for something to happen; nothing did. You seem to be describing quite a strong imbalance between your opinion of her (perfect) and hers of you (imperfect). My advice to you would be to start looking for her imperfections - everybody has them. Get her off that pedestal before you do yourself an injury with all the looking up to her!
Id want to know so I would just ask. Drop it into the conversation. Just say you value her friendship as well as being a colleague, then ask her if she felt anything more than friendship. Explain you don't want to jeopardise what you already have and fully respect her response. If she says no, then say its not a problem and you hope that you can continue as you were.
Has the op came back?
His thread title is making me slightly sick
How about just asking her? You sound a bit obsessed.
Lots of non/smokers I know wouldn't date smokers. Full stop, deal breaker, not even worth considering.
Up to you if you want to quit, OP
Well as an on and off smoker, I've never had any complaints. In fact I've met some non smokers with foul breath and some smokers who's kisses were sweet!
Hi, I have to say that I think some of the posts you've had on here are a bit harsh. I have been married two years and my DH smokes, and although I don't smoke, it doesn't bother me that he does. I also don't drink and I'm not a fan of drinking but I think everyone has to have something that they enjoy and indulge in. Anyway I thought I'd chip in with my advice. I don't think should change yourself for this woman, because no one and not everything about a person is ever perfect and I think once you got to know this woman on a more personal or intimate level I think you'd find things that you also wouldn't like about her. All I'm saying is that if you change your ways for her and it turns out that she isn't interested then it was a waste of time. In my opinion, you should do nothing at all bit carry on enjoying working with her and your flirty enjoyable friendship and don't force anything because if its meant to be, it will be. Also I think you make someone want you more the less keen you come across. Good luck and let us know if anything develops.
Join the discussion
Please login first.