I'm new here - waves hello - and need some help/advice, can't talk to anyone in RL.
Quite long, sorry -
H and I have been married 20 years, have two DC (12 & 10). I was brought up to believe that you stick with it, no matter what, for the sake of your DC. I'm just not sure i can anymore as I realise that H is a bully, and the final straw was a few weeks ago, when he hit me. It was only on my arm, didn't bruise, and I know is nothing compared to the abuse other women suffer. But it hurt, physically and mentally.
We do argue and always have but I've really tried to keep the peace, and can manage for a while, but then I can't . When I am keeping the peace, everything is fine, he's happy etc but I'm not.
Briefly, some of the ways he controls are by not allowing me to talk about us to anyone in RL, if we are out socially he prefers me not to drink so that I can't say anything wrong to people, if I do he kicks me under the table do I stop. If I say no to sex he will sulk and become very angry, often with the DC and entire holidays, days out, weekends etc can be ruined, so it's easier to say yes. When he asks why I don't want to more often, and I don't have a reason, he really me how rejected he feels. We don't share a bed - he has slept in the lounge for last 15 years easily - I used to wake him up and he'd come upstairs but I don't bother now. Occasionally he will sleep in bed, and pretends to the DCs that he always does, but says there's little point if he's 'not getting anything'. He thinks perhaps I'd enjoy sex a bit more if we watched porn together (I wouldn't, I really don't like it). We do have a regular sex life, and I am adventurous, because the sulking if I'm not is unbearable. If we go away just us, I want to be wined and dined and have some romance but to him it's an opportunity to do all the things we can't with DC at home (you know, whips, hand cuffs, etc). Do other H constantly want sex, even in the car/supermarket toilets/lifts etc?
I was a SAHM, and he worked so the house and garden were my responsibility - he literally did nothing. When I started part time work I struggled to keep on top of things and asked for help from him, but he just said I didn't work as many hours as him, he was useless, sorry and that was that, although he does sometimes mow the lawn and load the dishwasher. He has never done any other housework in all the years we've been together.
I will be starting a full time job soon, and his answer is to get a cleaner, then I should manage. The house is a tip to be honest, I've fallen so far behind, and have asked and asked for help to no avail - it's a mess because DC2 and I have too much stuff (his words, not mine).
He's generous with money, in fact too generous as we have a lot of debt (which I manage incidentally!). We were recently given a reasonable sum of money and had planned some home improvements and treats. I wondered where it had gone when we literally had no money for the mortgage last week, and he's spent it (not the first time this has happened).
When he is at home he sits on the sofa watching TV and/or on his phone/ipad. That's what the argument when he hit me was about - DC was talking to him and bring ignored, and I find that so upsetting for then, so I snatched his phone and said 'for gods sake, talk to him' at which point he hit me twice for taking the phone (he thought I had thrown it).
If I cook something he doesn't feel like having he won't eat it and will go out or get takeaway instead. If I'm miserable or unwell he'll tell me not to be pathetic, but he likes sympathy when he's unwell.
If I want to watch TV, he has the remote control and will fast forward when needed! He decides what time the DC go to bed, I'd like them to go earlier so I could have some evening, he goes out a lot and I'm expected to fit in with that. I don't have any social life and if I wanted to go out on a night he was out I'd have to arrange a baby sitter, even if I was going out first.
People we know wouldn't believe me if I told them what he's like - outwardly he's the life and soul, mr nice, generous etc. He's not remorseful about hitting me - 'oh ffs you're hardly a beaten wife' was his response, it was twice because he thought he'd missed first time and whenever we argue he goes on and on about me having mental health problems to the point where I don't know whether I have or not to be honest - aren't all relationships like this?
When I've suggested that we'd probably both be happier apart he just reminds me of a friend who regrets leaving,
and says I'd never have all the memories we've got and shared history, so all the nice things we've done would be invalid. And I wouldn't get better than him anyway, apparently. I am a nice person, admittedly I don't have many friends, some drifted away after he was rude, and I've never been someone that has had a big group of girl friends.
We are thinking if counselling, he'd like to go and I think he feels that when an outsider hears what I'm like (mental, mood swings etc) I will realise I need to change but I don't think it is all me. When I am pretending/acting happy little wife everything is great, we have a good time, he's happy, kids are happy but when that slips - sometimes after weeks - everything is shitty, but isn't it like that for everyone?
I just don't know what to do - my DC adore him, especially the oldest who I'm rubbish at dealing with, and I'm worried I'll ruin their lives if we separate. I wanted to about 5 years ago when he changed his mind about having a third - we'd agreed on 3 at the start, but then he decided two was all he wanted and that was that, no amount of begging on my part was going to change his mind, and I was desperate for a third (still am, too old now).
H has asked for a few months 'to change'. I just feel empty. I suppose I'm hoping people will say their H is the same and it's normal, all relationships are like this.
Thank you for reading this, sorry it's so long.
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Him hitting me is the final straw - very long, sorry
Clipbo4rd · 06/08/2013 16:15
Is it just your DH who says what I'm like (mental, mood swings etc)? From everything else you've said, I wouldn't set too much store by that. Certainly the rest of your post is coherent, and I don't think you do have mental problems.
What are the good things about the relationship? He doesn't help round the house or garden, he's rubbish with money, he controls who you speak to, he puts you down by telling you you've got mental issues, he pressures you into sex it sounds like you're not keen on. What do you get out of all this, because I'm struggling to see any reason for staying other than habit?
No, not all relationships are like that. You deserve to be treated with respect, as an equal, by someone who appreciates what you do. You sound really nice, not at all mad (well, no madder than anyone else here! 
) Read the threads here, especially the one on emotional abuse, and when you're ready, just go and get what you deserve!
Whatever you do, DO NOT GO TO COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN. As others will tell you, counselling with an abusive partner is a waste of time and will only serve to validate his feelings as you won't get a word in edgeways and you'll be painted as the madwoman in the corner.
He sounds utterly appalling and I'm quite worried for your safety if/when you do leave. I would wager that the day you leave him, you'll find all your mental health issues disappear. Mine did. Get yourself on the 'support for those in emotionally abusive relationships' thread, it was an eye opener for me that there were women going through exactly what I was. You will see the phrase 'spaghettihead' mentioned - these men have a way of twisting what you say and then backtracking or changing their story and it completely messed with your head.
Don't let your H know if you decide to leave. The wise ladies on here always advocate putting important docs in a safe place and squirrelling away a bit of money just in case.
I split with my abusive ex shortly after he punched me on the arm, because I was snoring 
. It hurt and left a bruise but I knew that if I accepted that, he'd see it as a green light to get worse and worse (I was already scared of him).
Is there anyone in RL you can talk to - family member?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1799986-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-24
I am really sorry you have been through this clipbo4rd. This is not a normal marriage.
He is abusive, emotionally, sexually and now physically.
Don't stay for the sake if the dcs. you would not want a relationship like this for them.
You can leave. Don't believe him when he says you will regret it or you cannot manage he is trying to control you by undermining your self esteem.
Contact WA. They can help you. they are there for you. contact them to make a safe escape plan.
No, op marriage is not like this, that's why I'm still married.
He is verbally, emotionally and has been physically violent. LTB & have a peaceful future to be you
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