Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Him hitting me is the final straw - very long, sorry(46 Posts)
I'm new here - waves hello - and need some help/advice, can't talk to anyone in RL.
Quite long, sorry -
H and I have been married 20 years, have two DC (12 & 10). I was brought up to believe that you stick with it, no matter what, for the sake of your DC. I'm just not sure i can anymore as I realise that H is a bully, and the final straw was a few weeks ago, when he hit me. It was only on my arm, didn't bruise, and I know is nothing compared to the abuse other women suffer. But it hurt, physically and mentally.
We do argue and always have but I've really tried to keep the peace, and can manage for a while, but then I can't . When I am keeping the peace, everything is fine, he's happy etc but I'm not.
Briefly, some of the ways he controls are by not allowing me to talk about us to anyone in RL, if we are out socially he prefers me not to drink so that I can't say anything wrong to people, if I do he kicks me under the table do I stop. If I say no to sex he will sulk and become very angry, often with the DC and entire holidays, days out, weekends etc can be ruined, so it's easier to say yes. When he asks why I don't want to more often, and I don't have a reason, he really me how rejected he feels. We don't share a bed - he has slept in the lounge for last 15 years easily - I used to wake him up and he'd come upstairs but I don't bother now. Occasionally he will sleep in bed, and pretends to the DCs that he always does, but says there's little point if he's 'not getting anything'. He thinks perhaps I'd enjoy sex a bit more if we watched porn together (I wouldn't, I really don't like it). We do have a regular sex life, and I am adventurous, because the sulking if I'm not is unbearable. If we go away just us, I want to be wined and dined and have some romance but to him it's an opportunity to do all the things we can't with DC at home (you know, whips, hand cuffs, etc). Do other H constantly want sex, even in the car/supermarket toilets/lifts etc?
I was a SAHM, and he worked so the house and garden were my responsibility - he literally did nothing. When I started part time work I struggled to keep on top of things and asked for help from him, but he just said I didn't work as many hours as him, he was useless, sorry and that was that, although he does sometimes mow the lawn and load the dishwasher. He has never done any other housework in all the years we've been together.
I will be starting a full time job soon, and his answer is to get a cleaner, then I should manage. The house is a tip to be honest, I've fallen so far behind, and have asked and asked for help to no avail - it's a mess because DC2 and I have too much stuff (his words, not mine).
He's generous with money, in fact too generous as we have a lot of debt (which I manage incidentally!). We were recently given a reasonable sum of money and had planned some home improvements and treats. I wondered where it had gone when we literally had no money for the mortgage last week, and he's spent it (not the first time this has happened).
When he is at home he sits on the sofa watching TV and/or on his phone/ipad. That's what the argument when he hit me was about - DC was talking to him and bring ignored, and I find that so upsetting for then, so I snatched his phone and said 'for gods sake, talk to him' at which point he hit me twice for taking the phone (he thought I had thrown it).
If I cook something he doesn't feel like having he won't eat it and will go out or get takeaway instead. If I'm miserable or unwell he'll tell me not to be pathetic, but he likes sympathy when he's unwell.
If I want to watch TV, he has the remote control and will fast forward when needed! He decides what time the DC go to bed, I'd like them to go earlier so I could have some evening, he goes out a lot and I'm expected to fit in with that. I don't have any social life and if I wanted to go out on a night he was out I'd have to arrange a baby sitter, even if I was going out first.
People we know wouldn't believe me if I told them what he's like - outwardly he's the life and soul, mr nice, generous etc. He's not remorseful about hitting me - 'oh ffs you're hardly a beaten wife' was his response, it was twice because he thought he'd missed first time and whenever we argue he goes on and on about me having mental health problems to the point where I don't know whether I have or not to be honest - aren't all relationships like this?
When I've suggested that we'd probably both be happier apart he just reminds me of a friend who regrets leaving,
and says I'd never have all the memories we've got and shared history, so all the nice things we've done would be invalid. And I wouldn't get better than him anyway, apparently. I am a nice person, admittedly I don't have many friends, some drifted away after he was rude, and I've never been someone that has had a big group of girl friends.
We are thinking if counselling, he'd like to go and I think he feels that when an outsider hears what I'm like (mental, mood swings etc) I will realise I need to change but I don't think it is all me. When I am pretending/acting happy little wife everything is great, we have a good time, he's happy, kids are happy but when that slips - sometimes after weeks - everything is shitty, but isn't it like that for everyone?
I just don't know what to do - my DC adore him, especially the oldest who I'm rubbish at dealing with, and I'm worried I'll ruin their lives if we separate. I wanted to about 5 years ago when he changed his mind about having a third - we'd agreed on 3 at the start, but then he decided two was all he wanted and that was that, no amount of begging on my part was going to change his mind, and I was desperate for a third (still am, too old now).
H has asked for a few months 'to change'. I just feel empty. I suppose I'm hoping people will say their H is the same and it's normal, all relationships are like this.
Thank you for reading this, sorry it's so long.
My dh is just like this. That's why I'm divorcing him.
It isn't like that for everyone. Other people's DHs are not the same. Your children don't adore him - any more than you do.
He's an abusive pig. But you already know that, don't you?
Hope you get the strength you need to end this terrible marriage. Good luck.
He is an incredibly abusive man. I'm so sorry for what you have been through.
Plenty here on this board have been through what you are going through now.
I would recommend that you call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can point you to legal, financial, and accommodation advice, and be a listening ear.
You might also find the resources at the top of the Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships useful to get your head round things.
I am glad you realise that he has gone too far. You can and will get through this. Keep talking, keep asking for help. You can win your freedom from his bullying.
Hello, didn't want to read and run. He does not sound nice at all. If you feel empty it is clear this is not a good relationship for you.
My x wanted sex all the time, and you just feel like a machine at the end. It's a relief not to have to deal with that anymore. It sounds like you just have to go along and pretend that you are fine, but that is not a life is it?
Sorry I'm short and blunt, but get your job, leave and start your own life. To do as you please and enjoy it, instead of being his
I don't think you have mental health problems. He just sounds like a grade A bastard.
sorry, hit post too soon, it's meant to say instead of being his property. Reading your post, that's my impression, and I'm guessing that is your feeling too?
Also, no wonder you have mood swings when you have to put up with this. I'm sure you'll find yourself surprisingly calm and collected when you don't have to worry about being with him anymore!
Agree with Hawkmoth.
No that is not normal.
What plans are you making to leave? How do you think he will react when he realises you mean to leave?
Definitely contact Womens Aid.
Please do not doubt yourself. You and your DC deserve so much better.
Is it just your DH who says what I'm like (mental, mood swings etc)? From everything else you've said, I wouldn't set too much store by that. Certainly the rest of your post is coherent, and I don't think you do have mental problems.
What are the good things about the relationship? He doesn't help round the house or garden, he's rubbish with money, he controls who you speak to, he puts you down by telling you you've got mental issues, he pressures you into sex it sounds like you're not keen on. What do you get out of all this, because I'm struggling to see any reason for staying other than habit?
No, not all relationships are like that. You deserve to be treated with respect, as an equal, by someone who appreciates what you do. You sound really nice, not at all mad (well, no madder than anyone else here! ) Read the threads here, especially the one on emotional abuse, and when you're ready, just go and get what you deserve!
He has all the control and uses it; you're pretty insignificant until you start to protest, then you get kicked, and hit and verbal abuse.
This is going to have a really negative impact on your children, this is not a normal relationship and you know it, that's why you are posting. I can't understand why you think it's best to stay for the kids, it isn't, it's best to get out if you really are thinking of them.
You are entitled to a happy life, you're not going to get it with him, it's his way or the high way and half the time you obey but then you get to the point where you can't stand it and they all hell breaks loose. It won't change, it will probably get worse as he gets older.
On holiday he doesn't want to wine and dine you, he'd rather whip you and chastise you - HE IS A BULLY, it's a power trip he is on, he can't have a `normal` relationship - you sound so broken down by it all and no wonder, life is too short, get out of this mess and start enjoying your life, kids or not, you are entitled to a life you want, not one that is being inflicted on you.
Whatever you do, DO NOT GO TO COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN. As others will tell you, counselling with an abusive partner is a waste of time and will only serve to validate his feelings as you won't get a word in edgeways and you'll be painted as the madwoman in the corner.
He sounds utterly appalling and I'm quite worried for your safety if/when you do leave. I would wager that the day you leave him, you'll find all your mental health issues disappear. Mine did. Get yourself on the 'support for those in emotionally abusive relationships' thread, it was an eye opener for me that there were women going through exactly what I was. You will see the phrase 'spaghettihead' mentioned - these men have a way of twisting what you say and then backtracking or changing their story and it completely messed with your head.
Don't let your H know if you decide to leave. The wise ladies on here always advocate putting important docs in a safe place and squirrelling away a bit of money just in case.
I split with my abusive ex shortly after he punched me on the arm, because I was snoring . It hurt and left a bruise but I knew that if I accepted that, he'd see it as a green light to get worse and worse (I was already scared of him).
Is there anyone in RL you can talk to - family member?
Leave. There's really nothing else to say.
I am really sorry you have been through this clipbo4rd. This is not a normal marriage.
He is abusive, emotionally, sexually and now physically.
Don't stay for the sake if the dcs. you would not want a relationship like this for them.
You can leave. Don't believe him when he says you will regret it or you cannot manage he is trying to control you by undermining your self esteem.
Contact WA. They can help you. they are there for you. contact them to make a safe escape plan.
My exH was fairly similar.
He's an ex and I'm much happier without him.
DS is too, as the environment at home is so much better too.
I wonder about your eldest.
Maybe he'll be easier to deal with without the example of your bully ex, and without his daily influence at home.
Leave him, and be careful when you do it. He's likely to escalate.
I second contacting WA, and log the assault with the police.
Start talking with friends about it too.
If you do a poll, people who have left such partners only regret having stayed as long as they did. Not leaving.
From your first post, I can't see anything positive about your relationship. have some counselling on your own and leave this man.
The example he is setting is the one your children will take forward into their future relationships. What would you be saying to either of your dc if they came and told you that their relationship was like this?
Please leave him, I guarantee you may feel sad for a little while but you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
You and your children will be happier, as happy as you deserve to be.
you sorry that you'll ruin your childrens lives if you separate, you'll ruin them if you don't! he just sounds vile, what are you getting from this relationship? less than nothing
you are getting a full-time job soon, this is good - more independence from him. Tell him to pack a bag and do one, he can sleep on someone elses sofa!
No, op marriage is not like this, that's why I'm still married.
He is verbally, emotionally and has been physically violent. LTB & have a peaceful future to be you
In a normal happy relationship the partners respect and admire each other. They care deeply about each others' feelings and would never hit each other or pressure each other into sex. They enjoy each other's company and have a laugh together. All couples get on each others' nerves and argue now and again but your relationship has gone way beyond that.
Time to make plans to leave.
I agree with everyone else. The line that really made me realise he was a complete nutter was that he wanted you to have sex in the supermarket toilets.
Even teenage boys with new girlfriends can restrain themselves from doing that.
What the hell is he talking about? You are completely normal, though he's done his best to make you downtrodden and mentally ill. He is a disgrace and you should leave him.
You do not have mental health problems.
(Well, it is conceivable that you might be depressed but that would be as a direct result of living with an abusive husband for 15 years I think you said?).
No, a good marriage is not like this.
You have a bad marriage, and that is purely because you are married to a bad man who does bad things.
He will not change. Why would he? His life, right now, is exactly as he wants it, and if he had to change his life would not be so easy or so comfortable as he would have to do things he wouldn't want to do - you know, things like housework, interacting with his children, not forcing his wife to have sex when she doesn't want to....
Do not go to counselling with him. He is an abuser, and abuse victims (that's what you are, I'm sorry) are advised not to go to counselling with their abusers, as has already been mentioned.
Yes, you need to talk to Women's Aid, and start looking for a solicitor. The link to the EA thread above will be helpful, and please keep posting on here for support.
I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to get out of this marriage. Now that your H has resorted to physical abuse, it will escalate from here sadly.
You are worth so, so much more than this.
My husband is also quite similar to this. After many MANY years of me trying to make things work I've come to the conclusion that he'll never change so we're separating.
My only regret is staying with him as long as I have (23 years)
Your husband is abusive. Unless he accepts that and changes himself, nothing will change. You are not in the wrong.
Thanks for all your answers and advice. It's horrible seeing it laid bare in black and white, and knowing what I need to do. All very sad, he's not always been like this but I can't really tell when it started - or perhaps he has always been like it, covered it up well, and its just got progressively worse.
Just to clarify - I don't have any mental health issues, he just constantly says I do, to intimidate and undermine.
Join the discussion
Please login first.