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Could you forgive this?

(32 Posts)
bofski14 Mon 05-Aug-13 19:16:48

I am late twenties, living with partner and my brother, 24 weeks pregnant, struggling with fibromyalgia and incredibly stressed.

My mother started a relationship with a man about three years ago who moved into our family home. He is racist, homophobic and loves nothing better than to vent his opinions about these subjects to anyone who will listen. We've all tried telling him it's inappropriate (including my mother) but he won't change.

Fast forward to about a year in to him living with us. He couldn't get the TV to work one day so threatened to throw it up the garden. My mother told him to calm down, he was banging his fists into the worktop, screaming at her. She said "Dont shout at me" and at this point my younger brother walked in and said "Hey, why are you shouting at my mum?". So her partner squared up to him and offered him outside to fight in the street. Bear in mind, my brother is autistic and was terrified. He has never been in a fight in his life and didn't want to. I didn't find out about this until months later when it had supposedly blown over.

Last September during another homophobic rant about how all gay people deserved to die and how they are evil, my brother couldn't contain himself any longer and blurted out that he was bisexual and had been since he could remember but had been too scared to say anything. Cue said mothers partner going ballistic and called my brother a "queer c*nt", said the most graphic disgusting vile things to him like "If you want to take it up the sh*t pipe you wont be doing it in this house" and was encouraging my mother to throw him out telling her "dont even give him chance to get his shoes on". He said the likes of my brother deserved to die and he slammed the bedroom door in his face leaving him petrified and my mother crying on the other side. My brother called me crying, I left work to try and sort it out and it ended with my mother saying "Well, a lot of people think his way". I had to coax her around saying "Thats your son!" and in the end she just wanted to all make friends and said "I don't want either of them to leave". My brother was scared for his safety and has been living with me since.

She married the man yesterday. Me and my brother had been adamant that we wouldnt go but after phoning almost daily, crying, guilting us and emotionally blackmailing us with things like "Grampa might not be here very long. He's really looking forward to all the family being together", we caved in and went. Her now husband ignored us all day and made us feel very awkward. She justifies his behaviour and makes excuses for him constantly and yesterday at that wedding, my stomach churned all day. No-one in the family knows what he's done and everyone was all over him saying how wonderful he was.

I suppose my question is, how can I get her to accept that we don't want anything to do with this man? I have my mothers first grandchild on the way in November and the thought of this man being around my baby makes me sick. Please help.

reelingintheyears Tue 12-Nov-13 17:22:15

And, unless my Brother wasn't ready to be open about being Gay/Bi, I would be letting all the rest of the family know why he was living with me.

You cannot beat people like your DM's husband, you can only tell them to get to fuck and stay away from them.

reelingintheyears Tue 12-Nov-13 17:26:15

hmm sorry, didn't realise this was an oldish thread.

BettySwalloxs Tue 12-Nov-13 17:36:13

How are you doing, OP?

bofski14 Tue 12-Nov-13 20:27:20

I'm doing ok thanks. I still have no real resolution though and perhaps never will...

Olddear Tue 12-Nov-13 21:05:56

Tell your mother that that last phone call is the very last and final time you wish this scumbags name to be mentioned. That you will never see him again and he will never be allowed any contact with your child. He is dead to you. If she starts trying any kind of emotional blackmail say 'I am refusing to discuss this' and walk away. Hugs to you and your brother! X

Olddear Tue 12-Nov-13 21:06:07

Tell your mother that that last phone call is the very last and final time you wish this scumbags name to be mentioned. That you will never see him again and he will never be allowed any contact with your child. He is dead to you. If she starts trying any kind of emotional blackmail say 'I am refusing to discuss this' and walk away. Hugs to you and your brother! X

bestsonever Tue 12-Nov-13 21:34:45

The appalling behaviour has been allowed to continue because you have all been hiding it from the outside world. Misplaced embarrassment perhaps? Only you know why you have not brought this out into the open years ago and well before your mother married. Your mother sounds like a woman either desperate not to be alone or with very low self esteem if he is her best option in life.
Rather than tell your Mother straight that she should get rid you moved out letting him continue. Rather than say something, you all went to the wedding because of your grandpa? So you are all in the habit of hiding and keeping up appearances within the family- I'm sure grandpa would prefer true happiness to a fictional facade. It's how wrong behaviour can take over and perpetuate and will continue until one of you says enough pretense. Did anyone actually say the words "mum don't marry him, you can do better" or is there a fear to call a spade a spade?

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