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Husband says I'm not sophisticated

(92 Posts)
BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 11:27:10

He was helping DD take a shower yesterday. He is usually quite rough, splashing water on her face when she clearly doesn't like it, and repeatedly soaping her face. He does seem to have a "thing" about being clean.

Yesterday, I could clearly see DD being in distress. She can sometimes exaggerate and moan like a typical 6 year old, but this wasn't one of those times. After me warning him to stop and him not listening, I grab the shower head. He resists. I say "Stand there and I'll show you how to wash her face without her screaming the place down". He says NO and walks away. I see red and grab on to his shirt and don't let go. This tussle goes on for a few seconds. Shit, even writing it down makes me embarrassed.

I shout at him and say "Don't do that to a child. Stop if she doesn't like it. You are wrong to do that" He shouts, "Its only soap and water. And you are unsophisticated." Presumably because I grabbed his shirt. Yes, it wasn't my finest hour.

But next morning, when I try to put the fight behind us, he says he doesn't want to talk to an "unsophisticated low-life" His words exactly.
Is this what he really thinks of me? Haven't spoken to him since. Shell-shocked. And very sad.

How did he make it so personal? About me? I talked about his behaviour. He, on the other hand, is talking about ME. I am so sad.

Sorry for the epic. Just needed an outlet.

SignoraStronza Mon 05-Aug-13 11:50:40

That sounds horrible for your poor dd. My six year old usually showers herself (I may occasionally bark orders at her to do it properly while I'm pottering around) perfectly adequately without me needing to soap her up - how odd!

Good behaviour sound horrid tbh - the sort of thing that could leave her with lasting issues.

I suggest when you're calm (and I still think at some point you need to apologise for grabbing him) you talk
About the fact she doesn't like it.

Then offer to do bath time all the time and trade it for something else.

Only when you're both calm mind.

Not sure you sound compatible though - you seem to disagree quite strongly with the way he parents.

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 11:56:12

Laurie But I HAVE talked to him. Many, many times about how she doesn't like it. Everything goes over his head. Or he just chooses to ignore it.

He is a brilliant parent, not denying that. But he should also remember DD is only 6 and he should pick his battles.

HotBurrito1 Mon 05-Aug-13 11:56:38

Like Signora said, surely she can wash herself?

AnyFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 12:06:22

He doesn't sound like a brilliant parent. What you have described sounds horrible, but what is worse is that the situation has escalated to the point where you are having physical tussles while she stands there in the shower. She wasn't a "child" in either of your eyes then, she was a piece of meat to argue and prove a point over.

If things have got this bad, it is time to re evaluate both of your approaches to how you make good and consistent co parents.

MadBusLady Mon 05-Aug-13 12:11:50

This all sounds very strange and nasty - both how he is with DD and what he said to you. I wouldn't use soap on a child's face at any time, you might as well squirt neat washing up liquid into their eyes. It's a bit troubling that he doesn't listen/care about your opinion (or hers).

diddl Mon 05-Aug-13 12:13:22

Could I suggest that you don't have to be the main carer to know that repeatedly washing a kid's face with soap is just unnecessary!

As is splashing when the face when they don't like it.

I would say that's bullying-especially if they have made it known that they don't want it to happen.

I would have thought at this stage she should be washing herself with just supervision & minimal help anyway.

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 12:13:37

I know, I know AF. That physical tussle, I still cringe when I think back to why I did that {groan}. I guess I was so frustrated at him not listening to me and walking away, that I physically had to restrain him.

I know if the situation was reversed, people would be horrified. And rightly so.

I don't know how to re-evaluate our approaches though., Any suggestions, welcome. I can be hands-off when he is parenting, but shouldn't he be taking my suggestions on board as well?

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 12:16:00

She does wash herself, but many times she is away with the fairies. So a lot of reminding, going over missed spots, washing off the shampoo at the front, adjusting the bit of shower to complaints of "its too hot, its too cold" etc... Which in effect, means one of us, is actually giving her a proper bath.

ouryve Mon 05-Aug-13 12:20:41

He doesn't sound lke a brilliant parent, Bumpkin. He sounds like a bullying arsehole.

TurnipCake Mon 05-Aug-13 12:21:47

The world won't stop spinning on its axis if she misses a few spots or leaves some suds on her forehead. But she will remember being roughly washed and the distress that it caused her.

ClassyAsALannister Mon 05-Aug-13 12:22:11

yes but there is no reason at all for rubbing soap in her face, whether she can wash herself or not...

Agree with af

You seem more concerned that he's not listening to you than that he's treating your child like that. Sorry but that's how it's coming across.

This isn't about parenting or listening...he's mistreating her during bath time and it would seem he knows it & no amount of talking or trying to get him to 'hear you' will change that.

LaRegina Mon 05-Aug-13 12:26:15

What AF says sad

Do you make a habit of getting violent and abusive with each other in front of your DD?

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 12:26:27

Classy that's right. That's why I've decided he won't be doing bath times anymore. I thought I would treat him as an adult and I did talk to him about this. But to no avail- its usually "My way is the right way and everyone else can sod off".

Even when he can see plainly his way is not appreciated by his daughter.

AnyFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 12:26:38

It seems you have tried to help him moderate his rough approach to parenting, OP and he isn't listening.

I know where I would go from here, but it doesn't look like you are anywhere near that point if you are still hopeful he will change and getting into physical tussles with him < shrug >

LaRegina Mon 05-Aug-13 12:28:00

X-posted you you OP.

Seriously - how dirty can a six year old get?

Just turn the shower on and leave her to it. Does it matter if she misses a bit? Or let her have a bath.

Why let such a non-issue escalate into such a horrible drama?

eurochick Mon 05-Aug-13 12:32:07

Poor kid. Bathtime should be fun. Like you say, she won't be that dirty. She doesn't need disinfecting, just freshening up.

He sounds awful, really controlling.

If he doesn`t change it could cause your dd to have real issues in the future.

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 12:41:55

Yep, controlling seems to describe him sad

Is he like this in other aspects of your life together? Are you and your daughter relaxed around him?

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 12:47:57

Yes, he is Damn. As I mentioned before, he thinks he is always right. I don't know if he is just breath-takingly arrogant or if it is bravado that stems from low self-esteem.

Sorry to go all pop-psychology...

ClassyAsALannister Mon 05-Aug-13 12:49:07

This can't be a one off though.

Ever feel like you're concerned about how he'll react to things? Is it always his way?

This sounds like the tip of a horrible ice burg...

TurnipCake Mon 05-Aug-13 12:50:04

You mentioned something about mealtimes upthread. What happens if your daughter doesn't finish something to his liking? Are you walking on eggshells?

Sorry but he sounds emotionally abusive.

If the relationship isn`t positive then you need to think about making changes. It`s no way to live sweetheart and a terrible example for your daughter.

BumpkinMe Mon 05-Aug-13 12:57:16

Mealtimes are alright Turnip. He DOES expect her to not waste food and finish her plate, but doesn't throw a hissy fit about it, IYSWIM. smile

But he does moan at ME - he thinks I encourage this behaviour. Which, for the record, I don't. I mean who does that? Plop food on a child's plate and ask her to leave some over? hmm

But nor do I make a big fuss if DD actually leaves behind some food.

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