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How do I tell dh I don't fancy him anymore?

(136 Posts)
Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 14:32:03

Well here goes...dh and I have been together for 12 years now and obviously both changed a lot over this time. We've been married 8 years and have 2 dc.
My problem at the moment is I no longer find my dh physically attractive. I'm not expecting him to be the buff 20 something he was when we met but his weight has been creeping up over the years to the point where he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I really don't want to sound like a cow but I've tried to stay in shape (for him as well as me) I'm slim, I exercise (despite working too) and I'm pretty well toned. I feel really mean, but I sit and watch him eating crisps and choc etc and it just makes me sit there and get angry inside.
I have tried a few times to broach the subject and used his parents health as a point. (Mum very overweight and dad has heart issues!) I know he's not happy with it too and does try every now and then. And does loose a bit, then just puts it on again. He can generally loose weight fairly easily which is annoying. He just says he doesn't drink, smoke so choc etc are his thing.
He's a good guy, works hard and i know has a stressful job. hes also gets quite sensitive, so I can't just say it how it's is, even in a nice way. he takes any slight negative as a big deal. But it's starting to really bother me now. He's a member of a gym and goes now and then, but he always has an excuse not to go. I hate excercise so do it once a week but am more aware of what i eat in between, unlike dh. I've suggested he goes on a weekend, and maybe 1 evening per week. I've not ever stopped him going he just doesn't want to.
I know it's sounding like I'm moaning but I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't like it either as he mentions it when putting on clothes, that his belly is big.
I'm finding I have no desire towards him sexually despite him wanting to (this causes a lot of rows about frequency etc) but I just don't find him appealing anymore. I have tried to look past it and hope that if we do it more ill get my mojo back but it's not happening.
Not to sound conceited but I'm a fairly ok looking women and do get the odd look now and then, I just wish he'd try and make an effort for me, you know??
Am I being unreasonable? How do I handle this??
On the flip side to add a bit of perspective, if I ask him for an honest opinion on how I look I get it . To the point when I was carrying weight after the kids he'd honestly tell me (if I asked) that my bum was big etc, so he will tell me but CANNOT take the same level of honesty back.

Val007 Sun 04-Aug-13 14:37:24

Show him this!

I know it sounds shallow, but if THIS is what bothers YOU, no matter how many people tell you weight doesn't matter, it will still matter to you. Sad, but true...

Be direct and tell him to stop taking you for granted.

NatashaBee Sun 04-Aug-13 14:40:31

I agree with telling him directly, it probably is the only way. I wouldn't show him this thread, though - not sure it'll exactly do wonders for his self esteem reading about how his wife is telling the whole of Mumsnet she doesn't find him attractive any more.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 14:41:29

If he were slim would you fancy him? Or is the whole relationship in the doldrums?

To be honest, and this is just me I know, I'd be totally open and blunt with him.

I know not everyone will agree with this but my take on it is that if you care about someone you do your best to keep yourself in good order. (I'm not saying that ill health and old age ailments are something we can always avoid, and that's something different.)

Whether you play the health card- and it's certainly valid and serious considering his family history- or the sex card, or both, is your call, but I don't see the point in trying to sugar -coat this- say how you feel.

HarlotOTara Sun 04-Aug-13 14:42:29

What would be the response f it was a man saying this about a woman?

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 14:46:04

I'd hope it would be the same. It's not gender specific surely is it- the dangers of obesity ?

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Sun 04-Aug-13 14:46:39

You'll probably be murdered for this but I hear you. I have to put effort into not putting on weight. exercise and not over eating. I would hate to be doing all that only to look across at a fat husband. sorry, but it is a turn off. No matter much you love him, you'd fancy him more if he weren't fat? and men also want to be fancied I'm sure. He probably knows you love him but I'm sure deep down he wants you to FEEL ATTRACTED to him!
Agree with NOT showing him the thread.

HeatherSprouse Sun 04-Aug-13 14:46:50

You have got to tell him it's the only way It's clear that your not happy x

HRHMargeSimpsonOfCornwall Sun 04-Aug-13 14:49:35

Ok, so after you'd had children he felt comfortable being honest with you telling you you were overweight?! shock

I think you could start off with "remember how honest you were with me after I'd had a baby................" and having a baby is a better excuse, I would have kept my mouth shut if I were him!

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 14:49:59

If it was something else like bad breath or decaying teeth, would you tell him then?
I can't see it's any different.

Being more constructive, why not do the gym together and have a healthy eating plan for the whole family? Your once a week at the gym is not enough anyway, ( sorry smile so maybe you could go together and mutually support each other?

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 14:54:27

I know I should, but I'm scared he's just going to think I'm being a bitch!
Would I fancy him if he lost weight? I hope so but I don't know. We got together young and I do wonder if we actually have anything in common anymore. An example were meant to be having a day (rare child free) with friends soon and one will have just had a knee op a few days previous. So it scuppers our original day we had planned. So thinking of alternatives I suggested finding a nice country pub, having lunch and then chilling and having a chat in the pub garden. This was rejected as he said he find that boring ?!
I just feel we both want different things you know. He's happy being at home, watching tv, football etc. Which dont get me wrong is ok, but not all the time. Whereas I'm quite social and want to see and talk to people.
We go to bed at different times, as he won't watch 'my crap' I like to watch and he goes to bed later than me. I've suggested he come up with me some night, just to chat even do a crossword (anything!!) but he's not that keen unless he might get lucky.
I'm not blaming him as he's not a bad person just think we've grown apart. Help!!
I do want to salvage this (I think) but I don't know what to do anymore!!

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:00:39

Can't gym together for child care reasons, but I'd not ever make him feel bad for going. My 1 session per week is not enough? I do a pretty intensive bootcamp and am generally active most days, so its enough at the moment without being intrusive of the family.
Granted I can do more on the family mealtimes but its hard some nights as he has irregular hours (depending in how busy he is can be home at 5 or 7, never know until about 5pm)
I do love him, am I in love with him? I don't know know, I want to be!

I sometimes wonder how relationships like this would cope if one person had an accident that changed their physical appearance. Relationships are far deeper than looks, if you lose the attraction, fair enough, we're not all going to be stunning in our 80's are we? We lose our looks sooner or later, but losing a connection to someone, is hard to get back but it is possible. But how much do you really want that connection back?

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 15:10:24

OP- not trying to be critical of you but as you asked........... the recommendation is 5 x 30 mins minimum moderate -intensive exercise a week. 1 session is not enough- it's regularity that counts for the health of your heart.

Sounds as if his belly is just the tip of the iceberg.

You are being a bit of a chicken TBH wondering if he would think you were a bitch. How can being worried about his health be being a bitch?

I think you need 'the talk' - an allocated time when your discuss everything you have said here. Carrying on as you are is not an option.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 15:11:51

Pattie- I mentioned this up thread smile

Losing your 'looks' due to illness or accidents, or old age, is a darn sight different from letting yourself go when you are completely able to do something about it. No?

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:15:32

I do want it back. And like I said I'm not expecting him to be an Adonis! I just want him to make a bit of effort. And I do worry about his side of the family's health In general. I did tell him last week that he's at the point now that he will go one way or the other. Either lose it and be able to maintain a bit of a healthy lifestyle or let it go and get very overweight!

LoveBeingItsABoy Sun 04-Aug-13 15:16:53

Are you certain it's not more than just not fancying him?

HandMini Sun 04-Aug-13 15:18:08

Hmm. Its easy with weight to point to health issues and say, its ok to push him on this issue because its bad for his health and longevity to be overweight. Ad that's valid.

But there must be other things about him you fancy other than his looks.

How far do you want him to go? If, as he ages, he goes grey, gets wrinkles, liver spots, loose skin, bunions etc, will you not fancy him any more? Will you insist he dies his hair / gets a facelift? There needs to be more to fancying someone than how they look.

sunshineblue1 Sun 04-Aug-13 15:18:09

Hi I approached the whole 'if u wanted to have an affair it will be ok' line

then the whole 'we haven't got the spark line'

peachycatmum Sun 04-Aug-13 15:18:57

Please have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him just how you feel. My husband has just left me for a thinner/younger version. He was dropping hints about my weight for months but never actually told me straight how it was affecting him. As for me now I'm slim and toned after visiting the gym but it's too late for our relationship.

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:19:14

Thanks missbopeep. I don't want to come across as its looks or nothing. We have a long history, 2 dc and a ok marriage. I wouldn't leave him if he had an accident etc but its his lack of effort NOW that's off putting.

HandMini Sun 04-Aug-13 15:20:10

MissBo, but how far do you they have to go? Put on an extra few kilos and have a muffin top? Probably not devastating for health, is that ok? Go grey at 40 - do you have to dye it? Have bad teeth - do you have to get them fixed? The idea that where you CAN do something about your appearance then you SHOULD is a slippery slope.

Repetitiverobot Sun 04-Aug-13 15:21:08

I will talk to him, need to pick the right moment. It's actually making me cry writing this though as I do feel shallow.

Twinklestein Sun 04-Aug-13 15:31:37

We got together young and I do wonder if we actually have anything in common anymore.

I think this goes far deeper than his putting on weight. I don't think it's that that's made you not fancy him, it's the fact of having little in common. The weight thing is just the focus of all your irritation.

If a man came on here saying he'd stopped fancying his wife when she put on weight after childbirth, & should he tell her straight, he'd be flamed.

I've read comments here by women who have put on weight & don't feel attractive, but their partner still fancies them.

And if my H put on weight I'd still find him attractive, he'd just be in less good shape.

So I would be truly honest: which is actually that you think you've grown apart, want different things, and you're not really feeling it any more.

Missbopeep Sun 04-Aug-13 15:56:34

But Hand it's really a case of being reasonable isn't it?
If just for example someone started going grey at 35 or 40 and they thought about dyeing their hair, they might ask their partner which they preferred?
Re. teeth- ditto! My Dh has had quite a lot of work done on his teeth and although he was thinking about it, I did encourage him as he looks lots better with a couple of veneers over 2 discoloured teeth.

There's a big difference between completely letting yourself go and being affected by normal ageing.

But whichever, I think we have a responsibility to keep ourselves looking as good as we can- both for ourselves and for our partners- without being silly and obsessive over the odd kilo here and there.

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