Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lap dance at stag do

(550 Posts)
worrybynature Sun 04-Aug-13 10:16:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

carmenelectra Thu 08-Aug-13 14:59:49

Flipping heck. I think our friend arsenal is a wind up merchant. What's all this stag culture, where a man has to have a last gawp or grope at a real life woman before he gets saddled with a missus.

I personally don't find it massively offensive that single men pay for lap dances, though I do think most are probably twats with huge double standards- wouldn't marry a stripper or want sister to be one etc. Doing it just before you get married to the woman you love it another level.

I don't know why we all arguoing the toss though as OP is clearly sticking with this fella.

Now my instinct would also be at the very least get rid of the best man. This is pointless though as she would like the villain and jealous gf. This should have been nipped in the bud when the minge comment was made. Op's dp should have pulled up best man for making OP uncomfortable and upset(presuming it wasn't true of course). I don't mind being wound up but I would feel a major cunt if my dp's mate said this to me as a joke following a stag do involving a stripper I wasn't happy about. Having a private joke and making me feel jealous or insecure. Thankfully I could not imagine this happeninh to me in a million yrs.

And any bloke who says he wouldn't mind his wifes mates 'joking' about sucking cock, especially when it isn't really a joke is it. Its an actual event that happened. This man probably did lick her fanny or try to while his mates egged him on.
Vile.

superdooperpenguin Thu 08-Aug-13 14:10:33

OP, I understand your disappointment and hurt - I've been there! My ex did the whole stripper thing a few times while we were married, despite me explicitly telling him how uncomfortable and unhappy it made me. The first time was a stag do, then a trip to Amsterdam etc. I think it boils down to a lack of respect, he knows it's important to you but he's done it anyway.

I know it's a nightmare so close to your wedding but think carefully - take it from someone going through a messy divorce 10 yrs on!

As for some of the comments on here, why should she be cool about it? It's all a matter of personal values and not everyone agrees with strippers and the sex industry in general!

Darkesteyes Thu 08-Aug-13 13:42:04

I have that book in my reading pile.

One look at my fb feed shows some of the women i went to school with still trying to be Cool Girl at 40.

And the lads i was at school with still lapping it up. One lad who i thought was one of the "good guys" shared a picture of a girl with unshaved armpits earlier this week saying "she needs to shave" They never fail to disappoint.
I used to wonder why i started dating much older men in my late teens. (which didnt work out brilliantly as my posting history will betray) but hardly surprising.

GreenSkittles Thu 08-Aug-13 12:56:22

Yeah, perhaps I should have mentioned that quote is the highlight. I enjoyed the book though, I think it would make an excellent dark comedy film. And I think it's worth paying the author for the book just for giving us that brilliant quote grin

AnyFucker Germany Thu 08-Aug-13 12:18:28

Yep, great quote

The rest of the book doesn't quite measure up...sorry smile

I try and try on here to make people understand that you don't have to cave into the pressure from society to be the "cool" wife or gf

Some women get very uppity and defensive when you bring it up. It's easy to see why....

curlew Thu 08-Aug-13 10:49:54

Just ordered Gone Girl......

Ledkr Spain Thu 08-Aug-13 10:22:51

Wow. That sums up what I've always thought but been unable to articulate.
I probably was it tried to be one of those girls when I wa in my twenties!

elizadofuckall Thu 08-Aug-13 07:42:06

Brilliant quote GreenSkittles

GreenSkittles Wed 07-Aug-13 23:50:35

What the hell, here's the rest...

"Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”

GreenSkittles Wed 07-Aug-13 23:48:50

Lucy You made me feel like quoting 'Gone Girl'

"Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.!"

runningforthebusinheels Wed 07-Aug-13 23:45:10

Tradition not to listen to the bride? I'll accept that strippers on a stag night are a very misogynistic "tradition" for some - but not to listen to the bride? That's a new one on me.

arsenaltilidie Wed 07-Aug-13 23:38:32

AF* I answered your question. It's seen as 'tradition' to not listen to the bride.
Right or wrong.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 23:27:02

until the next stag do, Lucy ?

and the next one ?

with the idea of escalation when there are no consequences ?

Lucylloyd13 Wed 07-Aug-13 23:23:36

"Men behave badly at Stag do" shock?

It would mean absolutely nothing to me. Move on.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 23:23:27

arsenal's DP is a game bird, and anyone that isn't like his DP has something wrong with them

or summat

AnyFucker Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 23:21:24

arsenal for the umpteenth time, OP already told her shitty fiance and the even-shittier best man that the behaviour they went ahead and indulged in was a deal breaker

are you going to acknowledge that, or not ?

you keep saying the (rather convenient) solution is that "this must never happen" but she already said that, and it did

runningforthebusinheels Wed 07-Aug-13 23:17:29

Why would arsenal paint op as the humourless prude? He really knows nothing about her, except that she doesn't agree with her husband-to-be using the sex industry.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Aug-13 23:08:06

Not the book no @ running but the author is mentioned in this months sex therapy special in Psychologies magazine.
Women are just as sexual as men a lot of times even more so.

YY babyboomersrock

arsenaltilidie Wed 07-Aug-13 23:03:43

LEDKR As for the o jectivicatio. Of women being a separate thread,
"Well that's another thread if you think strippers are being exploited and don't know what they are doing"
Well this isn't the thread to discuss the differences between objectification and exploitation, that's going off topic as we are now.
Now behave, you are a big girl smile

AF I painted the OP as a humourless prude, come on AF

As its 'tradition' for the BM to try embarrass the groom; I said she shouldn't rise to someone trying to wind her up and she should make it clear to her DH it should never happen again.

runningforthebusinheels Wed 07-Aug-13 22:44:50

Have you read it, darkest? Looks interesting. I totally subscribe to idea that women are just as sexual as men - just that we're not necessarily socialised to feel entitled to sex as certain men (ie, the ones that use the sex industry).

Babyboomers - totally agree.

babyboomersrock Wed 07-Aug-13 22:36:23

"worrybynature you should be excited. I absolutely loved my wedding day. It flies by so quickly"

Oh, how true. And then, a few hours later, there's the rest of your life. But let's bring on the cake, the flowers and the dress, despite your worries, your disappointment, your hurt. It's like the 1950s in here sometimes. The little woman just needs to turn a blind eye, dry her tears, slap on her make-up and smile her way through her Big Day.

OP, I wish you well, but most of all, I wish you the life and the partner you deserve. Take care.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Aug-13 22:16:31
AnyFucker Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 22:15:42

just as much as I love you painting anyone who calls out men who buy sex services as inadequate pricks being humourless prudes

Ledkr Spain Wed 07-Aug-13 22:15:19

Ha ha arsenal your inability to hold a proper objective discussion about this has made you resort to if ding ridiculous accusations towards me.
Why don't you answer some if the relevant points instead of trying to deviate from the topic?
As for the o jectivicatio. Of women being a separate thread, well that shows how very little you actually understand about the issues we are discussing.
Off you pop eh there's a good boy.

arsenaltilidie Wed 07-Aug-13 22:12:02

AF love how you are trying to paint my DW as some put upon woman who 'daren't rock the boat'

Don't you know I think women's place should be in the kitchen hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now