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Massive row feel like I've been battered

(454 Posts)
Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:05:16

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

Earthworms Sat 03-Aug-13 20:08:31

Sounds like a lucky escape....

Someone wise will be along soon.

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Aug-13 20:11:19

Well, while the speaker phone was on, you should have shouted, "Your brother is a despicable twat and you are a shit stirring bitch and I never want to see either of you again."

Seriously, OP, you haven't lost a thing. You've gained your freedom and the chance of a happy life.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:13:21

He was reeling off to his sister a list of my faults and all our relationship problems as well as telling her what I said about her enquiring about stbxw. I feel mortified why would he do that. I feel sick and am shaking. I am also going to loose £400 deposit and when I told him I can't afford this he said all I think about is money. What am I going to do

knickernicker Sat 03-Aug-13 20:14:16

He's vile and sounds very.immature. can you see yourself with him when you're old and grey. Will you say that this wonderful man has been your rock? Of corsr you won't. Take strong decisive action and don.t take him back.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:15:21

Was I wrong to say it was not appropriate for sister to be asking this?

SlimePrincess Sat 03-Aug-13 20:15:45

Let him go and resist the urge to contact him.

He sounds like an utter shit.

SlimePrincess Sat 03-Aug-13 20:16:45

No you we're not wrong. His sister was stirring.

HellonHeels Sat 03-Aug-13 20:17:48

He sounds awful. How long were you together?

I think you've dodged a bullet here. I'd advise not getting back with him. Can you go on the holiday with someone else?

knickernicker Sat 03-Aug-13 20:17:59

Can you go to someone's to stay? You poor thing. At the mercy of this ridiculous man baby.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:18:53

Family are close to stbxw and I'm not bothered by that I just didn't want her brought up like that ffs. Is that wrong? He told sis on phone that I was obsessed with her and listed stuff I said and did which made me sound like a nutter

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 20:19:02

Have you given him the money? if you have, then you will have to probably suck that up but if you haven't don't give it to him. Tell him to fuck off and live with sister, really, lucky escape - he is vile

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:21:17

Oh god thanks for your replies they are making me cry because someone understands and I feel really alone. I have no single friends that could go with me I really don't know what to do

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:22:57

I had to give the money he was going through my drawers to find it and he wouldn't have gone till he found it. I feel sick at the way he's treated me 4 yrs we've been together

SlimePrincess Sat 03-Aug-13 20:39:46

Then don't give him anymore opportunities to treat you badly, you deserve better.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 03-Aug-13 20:45:07

Don't waste another 4 years of your life with someone who trests you like shit.
You can't get years back, trust me, and life is shorter than you think.

MNiscold Sat 03-Aug-13 20:46:04

I understand your feeling that you cannot afford to lose the money, but if 400 is all you lose.... you're getting off cheaply!! Can you imagine the cost of an actual divorce, with maybe a mortgage, etc.? I once "loaned" a partner around 3000 and when we broke up did not get it back, but I still think I got off cheaply; don't have to put up with him and won't have to pay for solicitor! Could you look at it that way? Would that help?

He does sound like a piece of work, actually. You gave him 4 years to shape up.... that's more than enough. Count yourself lucky, indeed.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:46:56

I can't cope anymore I can't even see for certain that he's treated me badly tonight. On one level I know he has then on another I think I shouldn't have said that about the remark his sister made. Also I have so much on my plate I feel like I'm cracking up. Am just going through a divorce and its costing me a fortune he knows this and won't even give me his share of the lost deposit. He made me feel bad because I want even talking about it on here I am worrying that you might think I'm money orientated because I've mentioned it

Viking1 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:47:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:51:32

This is abuse yes? See I can't even think clearly. A decent man wouldn't behave that way under any provocation would they? Apparently it was all I wouldn't " drop it"

Ledkr Sat 03-Aug-13 20:52:36

Quite honestly even if you were just feeling a bit jealous thn he should have understood this and been more sympathetic.
How he chose to behave was ridiculous and ott and you should think about what you want.
Fwiw my exh was seeing someone else and when I found out we had a holiday booked.
I paid forty quid and changed the name to my sisters and we had a lovely time without him.
You'll survive without him.
The only way is up.

SlimePrincess Sat 03-Aug-13 20:57:26

That remark by his sister was made very deliberately to wind you up. If his family are so close to tne XW, why didn't his sister just ask her hersel? If she was so fucking interested.

Decent men don't act like this but he isn't decent man is he?

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 21:00:46

ledkr apparently it's me that's totally over the top and won't let things drop. I'm sure that's not the case as I often water down what I want to say precisely because of his reactions. I still can't believe he rang the sister it's like he has to make himself RIGHT and prove it and get people on side all the time. Other people shouldn't be involved.

I can't see any way back from this but I don't know how il manage without him. I despise myself for saying that.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 21:02:19

slime that's exactly what I said to him if sis is so interested why doesn't she just txt her and ask. But nobody especially his family can do any wrong. It's always me that's wrong

cozietoesie Sat 03-Aug-13 21:03:14

You may not feel lucky right at this moment, but you really are. That bullet has sped on past and is now heading into the blue yonder.

And for what it's worth. You haven't actually lost his share of the £400, you've lost a holiday - which could well have been awful in any case. (In your mind, put what you would have paid on top of the deposit yourself towards the loss and plan what you're going to do yourself, more cheaply, with the glorious free time you now have.)

Stay strong. You're well shot of him.

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