Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex lets himself into my house, 99% sure of it.

(116 Posts)

My ex just came round to deliver his maintenance - the princely sum of £10 a week (and he always want to know what it will be spent on, as if I might lavishly blow it all on £10 worth of cocaine and diamonds...)

I saw him get out of his car - and walk straight round the back of the house, where he would have noticed the kitchen window open and the smell of our dinner cooking in the oven. So he walked back round and knocked.

We are normally out on a Saturday afternoon... The other relevant piece of information is that he has a key to the back door. I know this because I gave him a copy for emergencies when we were together, but he would use it to just let himself in anytime, so I took it back. From the amused look on his face when he handed it over, I suspected he'd had a copy made. Now I'm 99.999% sure he did.

I feel violated in a way, that he probably comes for a snoop around when we're not here. But there is no point saying anything, as he'd make such a fuss about being unfairly accused it's not worth it. I wish I could have caught him letting himself in.

Should I just get in the habit of leaving a key in the back door when we go out, to stop him getting in? Is there anything better I can do?

bigkidsdidit Sat 03-Aug-13 13:39:23

Put a bolt on, that will be cheaper. And tell him to put the money straight into your account!

Twirlyhot Sat 03-Aug-13 13:44:08

Agree. £40 a month into your bank account and locks on the door.

hermioneweasley Sat 03-Aug-13 13:45:18

Or, inspired by the woman who thought her MIL was snooping, set booby traps like information on moving to another area, or a letter from the lottery confirming your winnings, or explicit photos of a much better looking specimen than your ex along with declarations of love.

Also, WTF is up with £10 a week and him coming round to deliver it?! Tal about controlling!

SoupDragon Sat 03-Aug-13 13:46:08

Definitely change the locks and/or put a bolt on the door.

XH refused to give me his keys back as he needed them "for emergencies" so I dropped the subject and simply changed the locks without mentioning it. I did it myself - simple enough and not expensive.

bigkidsdidit Sat 03-Aug-13 13:46:21

Oh - and I hope you don't tell him what you spend it on! It's none of his bloody business.

He is controlling. He once tried to ban me from our local supermarket because he thought I fancied the big security guy, who I honestly had never noticed until he brought it up.

The money is £10 a week because he shits himself at the thought of paying any more, and our ds is now 16 so I don't think the fight would be worth it. I don't tell him to shove it because he is an indequate father who needs to be reminded that he has a son. For three years he paid nothing, and our ds hardly saw him. I did ask him to arrange it by bank transfer, but even though he practically lives at the bank shifting money from account to account he's never got round to it. Little bonus is that he occasionally forgets amounts, turns up after three weeks and hands me £40, enabling me to buy an extra £10 worth of cocaine and diamonds that week!! He says he asks what the money will go on because he's interested in what ds is up to. Just not interested enough to make any plans with him.

Thanks for your advice. He won't have a front door key because there are only two and my ds and I always have them. I'll try to remember the key in back door when we go out, but I will research the possibility of changing the lock myself. I can't afford to pay someone.

*inadequate

cozietoesie Sat 03-Aug-13 14:20:22

Get bolts until you can afford to have the back lock changed. They're not expensive, and you can fit them yourself - and then go out the front way leaving the bolts on.

I appreciate your concern for your DS - but does he actually see him these days? (ie go out with him, sit and talk with him or whatever.) Or is it just dump the money on you and then run ?

I take it you never went to law/the CSA over maintenance?

coffeewineandchocolate Sat 03-Aug-13 14:20:26
LadyMilfordHaven Sat 03-Aug-13 14:20:27

TEN POUNDS A WEEK?

LadyMilfordHaven Sat 03-Aug-13 14:21:16

changing the locks costs a fortune though.

I would ring the police and ask them to have a word.

cozietoesie Sat 03-Aug-13 14:21:31

Well quite.

cozietoesie Sat 03-Aug-13 14:22:06

Sorry - that was a reference to the C&D money.

SoupDragon Sat 03-Aug-13 14:24:01

changing the locks costs a fortune though.

Not if you do it yourself. I've changed mine twice.

Bogeyface Sat 03-Aug-13 14:32:51

If you use the front door then adding a couple of bolts on the back door will do the trick and be a lot cheaper.

Or, if you want to be a bitch, add a chain with a piece of paper slotted inbetween the door and frame. When he opens the door he wont be able to get in but the paper (which for the sake of doing a job properly should say "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!") will fall down and you will know straight away that he has done it.

LadyMilfordHaven Sat 03-Aug-13 14:37:55

why, soupster? same thing?

ExcuseTypos Sat 03-Aug-13 14:40:42

Agree with just buying a bolt and putting that on the back door. I'm sure you can pick up a big solid one for about £10.

I'd also scare the shit out of him by saying you're sure someone's coming into the house and you're thinking of going to the police about it.

chickensaladagain Sat 03-Aug-13 14:41:20

Please don't kid yourself that he wonders what ds is up to so that's why he asks what the money was spent on, he would just ask you what ds was up to surely?

My ex used to let himself into my house until my friend saw him through the window -she rang me and I came flying home from work and caught him

Police weren't interested as he had got the key from his mother I forgot she had one from feeding the cats while we were away once

Locks changed, took me 10 minutes (look on you tube, dead easy)

ihearsounds Sat 03-Aug-13 14:41:48

Changing the locks doesn't have to cost a fortune. Just change the cylinder.
Change front and back. You don't know if he could have had access to front door key to get a copy made.

rainbowfeet Sat 03-Aug-13 14:45:20

Rig up a electrifying attachment like in 'Home Alone' & add it before you go out next week!!!! winkgrinwink

£10 a week that's more insulting than my £0 a week & my ds's Dad not acknowledging him!! Twatty men!!! wink

Hissy Sat 03-Aug-13 14:54:32

1. Get a bolt.
2. Don't tell him what you spend his £10 on.
3. Actually do, tell him you're buying a private jet; only 2,000,359 of weekly £10 payments to go.

What a total prick. Bolt him out!

LadyMilfordHaven Sat 03-Aug-13 14:56:46

OP have you noticed anything moved or anything?

clam Sat 03-Aug-13 14:58:17

If you put a bolt on the door, then he'll see it on one of his more legitimate visits (why do you let him in the house at all though?). At least if you just leave the key in the lock he'll not be quite sure if it was deliberate or not.
Mind you, leaving the key in the lock doesn't work with our back door for some reason - which is just as well really as the kids keep doing it and it would mean the dog walker couldn't get in.

Caster8 Sat 03-Aug-13 15:02:18

Cant you buy a spy camera? No nothing about them, but they dont seem to be illegal.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Sat 03-Aug-13 15:04:16

I would hide upstairs when he would normally expect you to be out then call he police to report an intruder.

Or just get a big bolt.

And everytime he asks what you spend the money on tell him Bananas or some other random grocery item. Just repeat the same item over and over and he'll get the message hopefully.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now