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is it ok to snoop on husbands texts

(34 Posts)
mpi Sat 03-Aug-13 08:20:16

my husband has, for various reasons which i understand, has 3 phones, but only uses ones. recently my daughter lost her phone and i asked my husband if she could borrow the oldest of the 2 phones he no longer used. His initial reply was that he did not know where it was, which seemed normal and feasible. so i looked for it and could not find it in the house, although i found the charger. about 1 day later he brought it home from work and said that he had forgotten that he had left it in the car as an emergency telephone. now at this point i thought that seemed odd, since one of us always has a phone with us when in the car in case of emergency...but i didnt consider why this had been said to me. After giving it my daughter to use my husband then kept asking me if everything was okay, that he thought i seemed distant...none of this was true...but combined with the phone appearing and his overdue worrying about me , it made me wonder if the 2 were connected. I accessed the bills on line for the phone and found that he had been texting, during work hour,s a number that i know is not in his or our friendship group, sometimes up to 6 to 7 times a day.
I want to ask him about this, but feel that he would think that i was distrustful and that it would annoy him. however my instincts keep reminding me that something is not adding up.
Shall i try to recover any deleted text messages and see for myself ..or should i ask him who the number is.
ps i have rang the number on several occassions and it just goes to answermachine

MrsMelons Tue 06-Aug-13 08:25:53

It makes even more sense why you would feel suspicious but I am not sure why you would think things would be any different once you were married.

I am not sure if it really matters whether he has done anything or not I think you don't trust him because of his past (and quite rightly so). I now agree with Holly who clearly is much more insightful than me!

mpi Tue 06-Aug-13 07:05:34

well my daughter should be getting her replacement phone this weekend....which is where things started flagging up...husband has suggested that it best to destroy the sim card after that so that no one accidentally calls wrong number ...this sounds a ridiculous suggestion for the reason he has given...but one which fits in with he's really concerned about what could be discovered from that sim....so plan is to say that i have destroyed it, which if everything is ok then he wont bat an eyelid that i didnt give it to him to destroy, but then i have it and can find some sort of software to retrieve the messages which were deleted. because frankly it is all pointing to those messages being something he doesnt want me to know about, and even though he is displaying great affection to me at the moment, and if it is what i suspect is true, then i'm guessing he regrets it and fears loosing me....i cant live with the uncertainty.
we have been married less than a year, two times in the past i discovered he had been flirting with women and talking sexually via dating sites, i thought when we were married this would be behind us...but i need to know.
will keep you updated ....any advice re good software programmes for recovery of texts?

Ahhhcrap Mon 05-Aug-13 20:36:27

I'd be suspicious too tbh...

Keep an eye on it and recover the messages if you can

arsenaltilidie Mon 05-Aug-13 18:59:35

The old i need 2 phones hmm
Get hold of the phone and retrieve te messages if you know you way round the computer, it's not hard.
It sounds very very fishy.

MrsMelons Mon 05-Aug-13 18:37:56

I disagree about the relationship, she only snooped as he started acting weird, it could all be innocent but I would have to find out more as it doesn't quite add up. How recent were the last texts?

HollyBerryBush Mon 05-Aug-13 10:37:18

if you are snooping you don't trust him
if you don't trust him you don't have a viable relationship anyway

lookingfoxy Mon 05-Aug-13 10:10:31

If its texts only could it be one of those sex text services ?

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 05-Aug-13 10:08:17

The phone not being answered is a red herring, really. It could be that it's not in use anymore. It could be that the owner noticed a strange number had called more than once and has put you on the auto-reject list or just won't answer. It could be that your husband has warned the person that you may find out. The number could be entirely innocent, somehow.

You can spend months searching out "proof". You'll never really know, though, until you ask him. Extra mileage on his car could be innocent. Texting someone frequently could be innocent. Almost anything could be innocent. Equally, it could be a sign of an affair, and your husbands behaviour certainly seems rattled.

I'd just tell him that I know, and ask him if he had anything to say for himself. It seems he is just waiting for the axe to fall, so you may get him to come clean without driving yourself insane looking for things that don't add up, or second guessing everything he says.

Supertrooper88 Mon 05-Aug-13 09:58:18

This may sound a bit OTT but I would be tempted to try the phone at different times. Can you tell from the bill what days/times the txts were sent?? It may well be that if (big if) you H was using the phone to message an OW then he would do so when he is free to do so - maybe on his way to from work, during the week as opposed to weekends or in the night evenetc. Can you see any pattern?

It could also be someone elses 2nd mobile - so maybe its only used in the week etc as well.

The only other thing I can suggest is file this nugget of info - keep a note of the number and just get on with life but perhaps just be a little more vigilant. Something has made you wonder now - so you could notice other things you didnt before.

Or you could step it up a notch and think realistically - could he have time to see someone else? If so when would this be? Then check out his behaviour, timings maybe even car mileage and cash withdrawals etc around these days and times. Search his car, shed, belongings - find anything suspicious???

Its not healthy to srrongly suspect and go snooping long term though but only you know how much your instincts are screaming out something is wrong. I do think its suspcious though.

I would love to say confront but the problem with that is once you lay your cards on the table - anything crap going on will become tougher to ever proove. I have NEVER read a single relationship thread on here where anyone has asked the partner about suspicious behaviour they have just replied straight out "yeah I am seeing someone" - the game of deceit goes on longer and longer with more and more lies. I have a friend who confronted her H over suspscious calls/texts. He blagged his way out of it. Odd random teeny tiny events all explained away over the following 8 years until a few months ago she was diagnosed with a nasty STD (she had never been unfaithful). 6 weeks after her diagnosis and several spats and "evidence" laid on the table before the shit finally admitted he had been having an affair (3 over 8 or 9 years it actually seems).

Missbopeep Mon 05-Aug-13 08:39:50

It's possible it's an old phone and not used anymore.

OR they have been really on the ball and set up some kind of 'code' to announce when it's him calling-ie- he lets it ring for 3 rings, she doesn't answer, he hangs up, then rings again.

(Friend of mine used to have this arrangement for a while when she was avoiding calls from her DP!)

Moxiegirl Mon 05-Aug-13 08:14:45

Add the no. to what's app if you have it?

Distrustinggirlnow Mon 05-Aug-13 07:35:01

Morning OP. hope you're ok. I'm just having a brew and thought of you.....

Have you tried adding the number to your contacts then adding your phone contacts to facebook. There's an option on FB to do this, can't remember how exactly but if you look you'll see it. All of your contacts who are not FB friends come up in a list. The number may appear along with a nice little pic....

However, I think that it may be her (if it is ow) second phone too which is why you get no answer as its either finished or she knows they may have been compromised.

Does he have a work phone..? Can you check any of the other bills online, sorry if this has already been suggested!

ilovebowie Sun 04-Aug-13 16:31:53

Hi OP, this sounds really suspic to me. Have you tried googling the number or also entering it in the search box on Facebook.

You might find the owner of the phone.

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I've had experience of snooping and finding something I didn't like too.

xx

mpi Sun 04-Aug-13 15:30:35

it has been good to receive all the messages which suggest that i am not being paranoid and that this does send alarm bells ringing.....i will try to get a programme to recover deleted messages.....i keep trying number and no answer, tried from different phones and withholding number, which is odd that it is never answered...however i noticed from the bills that he never rang the number only texted.
however, i think he senses that i am worried about something...and he has made such massive efforts to show me and tell me how much he loves to me....i wonder if he has got really worried about me discovering something and that in itself may make him realise what he has put at risk

Gruntfuttocks Sat 03-Aug-13 15:49:24

Where's the third phone? Can you look at that one? If he has been up to no good on the other phone, presumably he's switched to the other one now.
Keep digging.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 15:44:12

Has she withheld the number when she dials?
Has she called from another number and not withheld it?

She could leave a message and say she was checking the bill and this number kept coming up so she wondered if it was an error and she was about to call the phone company.

Mosman Sat 03-Aug-13 15:42:07

She's tried calling it just goes to answering machine.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 15:19:55

Why not call the number and ask 'Is that Jane?' and if they say 'No it's Sue,' then you say Oh I'm sorry your no. is in my DHs phone and he asked me to call Jane- I must have misdialled.'

Might put the wind up her and him.

Mosman Sat 03-Aug-13 15:11:15

Of you think something is up it usually is, I wish I'd trusted my instincts.
Get one if those recovery program's for the computer and if it in.

MissStrawberry Sat 03-Aug-13 14:45:57

He is definitely guilty as why else would he randomly start asking if all is okay.

Supertrooper88 Sat 03-Aug-13 14:41:16

Before chatting to him i would check for txts and also make a note of the number
I would also be tempted to call the number using 141 to see who answers

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 03-Aug-13 14:39:52

People are always very quick to throw in the 'privacy' card, but I tend to think that if you are hiding stuff (phones/texts/emails etc), it's because you have stuff to hide.
If he is texting another woman, he will have told her he is giving the phone to your daughter so not to answer if anyone rings. Phone the number from a kiosk, or a friends mobile. Or type the number on google, if it's a business number it should come up.
I think it's all a bit suspicious and you now have every right to do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of this. Your instincts are working, and this is whole situation has been discovered innocently, but needs uncovering properly with work. These things happen for a reason.

LoveBeingItsABoy Sat 03-Aug-13 14:27:26

He's already deleted anything otherwise he wouldn't have handed the phone over

Squitten Sat 03-Aug-13 13:31:42

Whilst I would like to think you should just ask him straight out, he would obviously deny any wrong doing and then you've lost your evidence. If there is any way you can recover the messages first, then I would do it.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 03-Aug-13 13:23:59

Investigate.
I discovered an affair by a random look on a phone, not snooping just bored sitting waiting and his phone was there. I knew the password so he should have known better.
I didn't get denials thank goodness as I know that happens way to much on here. Deny deny deny

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