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So Ashamed

(63 Posts)
grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 13:36:17

I've been really struggling with stress and anxiety. Had a tough few years when we lost everything and now slowly building back up and trying hard to become more financially secure.

It's just been pointed out to me on another thread that I've been abusive to my DH. I'm so upset, I'm not an abusive person and I'd. No idea I was being abusive.

I'm struggling to hold it together in front of the DC. I've no idea how to fix it or make it up to him.

ArtexMonkey Tue 06-Aug-13 13:05:06

That CBT telephone service sounds great.

BOF Mon 05-Aug-13 20:26:36

This service should be very useful to you, as it provides CBT therapy without the lengthy waiting list. You can do it at a time that's convenient to you too.

skylerwhite Mon 05-Aug-13 16:30:51

^Skyler, people who worry are people who care (and get better).
People who blame are fuckwits who stay stuck.^

How illuminating. Cripes.

Secretswitch Mon 05-Aug-13 16:20:15

Honey, I read that entire thread. Please do not take the ramblngs of another poster to heart. From my perspective, there was a huge disconnect between what you were saying and her responses. The other poster also said she had issues of her own she was coping with.
For what it's worth, we are on a very tight budget too. My stomach knots up when I see a family member munching away on a particular item I had planned to use in a particular dish. It is very disheartening.
I hope you are feeling better..

grumpyoldbat Mon 05-Aug-13 16:05:34

bof it was the counsellor who made my referral for CBT. I don't have a CPN.

Wellwobbly Mon 05-Aug-13 16:01:33

Skyler, people who worry are people who care (and get better).
People who blame are fuckwits who stay stuck.

Neurotic v character disorder debate.

So although OP is feeling overwhelmed, those feelings/pain are what are going to propel her into a better situation, whether it is to let go of being the hero and let go of bearing all the burden, sit down and have a talk with H, or admit she needs outside support.

H can sit because OP has it covered, can't you see? So her desperation now is a clue. To her.

In other words, even though she is feeling at the end of her tether and desperate, it isn't defeat; it is a chance to address what she can control, her own coping mechanisms

Have people taken a stupid pill or something?

BOF Sun 04-Aug-13 22:24:24

Grumpy, didn't you have counselling a few years ago? How did that work out? Is there a possibility you can get back in touch with mental health services? Do you have a CPN?

skylerwhite Sun 04-Aug-13 21:20:22

Wellwobbly wtf? confused

Wellwobbly Sun 04-Aug-13 21:00:32

Parsing, you are right. Calm down with your own projections, mind! (and what, exactly, is wrong with holding someone's hand? Do tell.)

Grumpy, I didn't phrase that very well. Just wanted to reassure you that the people who worry, are actually the people who are in touch with reality and the people who CAN make a change. You are a hero.

But, perhaps you shouldn't be such a hero? If you talk to him about doing more/hand over the weekly budget for him to manage,

what would he do?

Just know that you have lots of MNetters on your side through this...

ParsingFancy Sun 04-Aug-13 20:54:35

Wobbly, grumpy hasn't been abusive to her DH - she's actually been going without food so her DH can have more than her.

A poster on another thread started projecting her own issues big time and hurling around groundless, persistent and frankly bonkers accusations.

Wellwobbly Sun 04-Aug-13 20:34:01

Grumpy, there are two things which say you are a good person in touch with reality:

1. you have had the courage to take on board that you have been abusive

2. you are ashamed.

This is a very old fashioned and out of touch comment, but it is the repentence that makes for humanity, not perfection.

You have a lot of humanity OP flowers. Hold his hand in bed tonight.

ParsingFancy Sun 04-Aug-13 20:27:27

And I know that you're worried about time off, but it's at least worth making time for the GP appointment.

If it helps, write stuff down to show the doctor - you've made a good start already with what you've written on your threads.

GPs aren't miracle workers, of course, but at least see where it takes you.

ParsingFancy Sun 04-Aug-13 20:24:23

Hope this weekend's work hasn't been too hideous, grumpy.

That's very familiar, about the negative memories being stronger than the positive ones. It's quite typical with depression, I think.

It does sound like you have a huge backlog of Stuff, as well as current difficult financial circumstances, to be dealing with. You're doing a sterling job of bravely carrying on, but it's a huge burden dragging you down at the moment.

Can you chase up with the GP where you are in the CBT waiting list? And that you're actually on it?

grumpyoldbat Sun 04-Aug-13 19:57:09

Sorry I've not replied had quick turn around from back shift Friday to long early shift Saturday Sunday.

For me doing this course is doing something to fix things. I can get a qualification, a chance of a career eventually and a chance of a better paid job to move forward with getting on an even keel financially.

I already have a job where we get abuse from the public. It's easier to brush that off because I can talk myself that it's my job title they are abusing not me personally.

I know people think I imagine it but I don't imagine the nasty things that have been said in the past. Now I've been forced to think about it it is these things I remember not nice things. It's like the memory of the bad things wipe out the memory of the good.

At some point in my teens I lost faith in my ability to tell who was genuinely being nice and who was being snide so I tend to treat nice comments with suspicion to scared to trust again. It's the same reason I avoid I avoid going out socially because I don't trust my judgement to know what to say when to say and who to say things to. I never got my chance to make my mistakes as a teenager.

I was referred for CBT well over a year ago but was told the waiting list was a few years so haven't really thought about it since.

TiredFeet Sat 03-Aug-13 13:49:21

wow, of course you are not being abusive. we meal plan to stick within budget and I would be boiling mad if DH ate our tea leaving me with nothing! (and I could afford to go out and buy more but I would still be cross!)

you sound like you having done amazingly well and fought very hard to recover from a real low point and it has taken its toll. Its not a sign of weakness to seek help, it is a sign of how strong you have been. If you are scared of being signed of sick have you got any annual leave you could take? even a long weekend might help you feel like you have been able to press 'pause' and take stock a little / take care of yourself. and maybe arrange counselling (gps / employers might help with this) so you can have someone to talk to rather than bottling it all up.

ArtexMonkey Sat 03-Aug-13 13:28:01

I don't think op is working 80 hours per week right now, fwiw, I think on the other thread she said that that's what she would be doing when she started her nursing course.

Although I do not see how, if you are so fragile that stupid comments from Internet randoms have you wanting to self harm, and seemingly every rl interaction leaves you feeling diminished and rejected, you are going to cope with nursing, don't you need to be a bit robust, able to compartmentalise, not take things personally, that kind of thing?

Another reason why it's a very good long term idea to get help then. Well anyway.

CorrineFoxworth Fri 02-Aug-13 20:42:33

I'm over from the other thread to add my support. I don't know about your posting history but you were unfairly attacked by just one person.

It does sound like you need real life support though. You can't go on being a people-pleaser, most of them are cunts grin

Hope to see you when you finish work smile

Portofino Fri 02-Aug-13 20:42:19

You have received some sterling advice on here over the last couple of years. Why oh why do you never take any of it? Your dh is an arse, and you need professional help with your self esteem. It was ever thus. Mumsnet is a lovely supportive place but it can't help you if you continue to ignore the advice and just focus on the negative all the time. In fact I think it as a bad effect as you can just "wallow" a little and never actually do anything about the cause of the problem. I mean that in the kindest possible way.

McBalls Fri 02-Aug-13 19:54:19

I think, possibly, you're not actually taking negative comments to heart as such.
You said a few posts back that 'I'd never realised how selfish I was being wanting to eat' and I don't think you really believe that.
Is it more that you you need validation and sympathy and there-there's? I don't think any of that will help, you need real, proper professional input.
You don't have to feel like this, it really can get better.

Biscuitsareme Fri 02-Aug-13 19:37:01

I second those posters questioning the division of work in your household. Why can't your OH do budgeting/shopping/ cooking + child care while you do the long-hours paid job?

Also, yes to you having at least as much food as your OH, since you're doing said long-hours paid job!

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 19:19:26

grumpy have just been reading other thread and i see you say dh won't get involved in weekly budget.
i think you may have to insist he does even if it just a challenge for on week so he gets a dose of reality.
if get expects to eat he should expects to participate.
and if you are working 80 hours per week you probably need more calories than him not less.

i hope things get better soon op as this kinda thing really does grind you down.
good luck with your course. and i think you are right to be proud of all you have done and are doing to get your family back on track.flowers

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 19:12:25

One nasty and horrid person. About a million supportive people.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 18:58:09

BOF the other thread did have someone making very uncalled for judgements on grumpy.

I have no prior knowledge of grumpy and her issues before today, but the other person was very nasty and horrible and i just despair that people dont realise when someone is struggling and clearly on the edge.

I do second that talking to someone in real life will be the best plan though as we cannot help you other than being supportive and telling you that other poster was bang out of order.

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 18:53:16

Op if you were abusive you would be saving he deserved it and he made you do it.

If you go to the GP they cannot sign you off against your will . you have to consent to anything they do.

perhaps if dh did the shopping, planning and cooking then he would be more aware of the budget as it would be up to him to make sure there was enough food for everyone.

also check with a benefits advice agency just in case there is something you could be getting but are not.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Aug-13 18:12:59

grumpy an anonymous message board is only going to fuck you up further because you are obviously not equipped to deal with any negative comments or apply a temporary salve when the majority of kind folk post something supportive

unfortunately though, your neediness and negativity is going to gradually erode that

you need RL support, from professionals love

are you taking any steps at all to seek that ?

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