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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

DP touching me intimately whilst he's awake and I'm asleep- not sure how I feel about it

117 replies

afterahurricanecomesarainbow · 02/08/2013 00:08

Have NCed. This is something that's started in the last couple of weeks, DP and I have been together 3 years but separated for a couple of months recently- unrelated to this. He is doing it consciously. He has stopped on the occasions I've asked him to but there have been times I've been half asleep and not really with it. I'm conscious we both want to make this work this time and I don't want to create a huge fuss over nothing if I'm just being very uptight. Not sure if I'm being funny about this or not.

OP posts:

Report

runningonwillpower · 02/08/2013 00:13

It can be a very nice way to wake up. I have to confess to being the waker upper on occasion.
'
If he stops when you ask I don't see that it is necessarily sinister.

catkind · 02/08/2013 00:13

Yuck no, that's not right. You can't consent if you're not awake to do so.

Sarahplane · 02/08/2013 00:15

You're not being funny about it, I wouldn't be happy about it either. That's not on. If you're not happy about it tell him. If he loves you he'll respect that.

afterahurricanecomesarainbow · 02/08/2013 00:25

I guess what I don't like is I ask him to stop and he does it again a couple of days later. I've never done it to him. It freaks me out a little bit that he initiates it while I'm asleep IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Redflagcatcher · 02/08/2013 00:27

If you don't feel comfortable with anything he should respect that. Whether you think you're being "uptight" or not is irrelevant. It's your body, if you don't like it it needs to stop.
To be honest I think unless you have pre consented to this the night before I think it is extremely disrespectful and abusive. I would always check the night before if my dp wanted to be woken with a bj (in his dreams).

GoingToBedfordshire · 02/08/2013 00:30

I don't think you're being uptight at all. Tell him to stop doing it. The fact that you are asking here shows you are not comfortable with it. Imo, why would you be? It sounds grim.

Twinklestein · 02/08/2013 00:31

What's uptight about not wanting to be touched without consent?

If he wants to make this work he's not going the right way about it.

I actually like being woken up like that, but my H has my full consent.
In fact I specifically told him. But he's never ever done it when I didn't want him to, and if I said stop he would stop immediately. If I asked him to stop he wouldn't try it again.

Stop means stop, no means no. That's that.

Twinklestein · 02/08/2013 00:32

In fact I specifically told him.

I mean ask him.

GoingToBedfordshire · 02/08/2013 00:32

Wow, he does it again a couple of days later? Even though you have told him you do not like it? So sorry, but this is not on at all.

perfectstorm · 02/08/2013 01:45

If you've told him not to do it and he is still doing it, that isn't even doing it without obtaining consent. It's ignoring a "no". It's doing it despite full knowledge that there is no consent.

I would regard that as a red flag. It's one thing waking a partner up with caresses when both enjoy it. It's quite another to do it when told not to. The lack of basic respect would disturb me a lot.

arsenaltilidie · 02/08/2013 02:27

I would always check the night before if my dp wanted to be woken with a bj (in his dreams).

Don't take it as I'm defending him, but have you actually made it clear to him you don't like it.
Giving him the benefit of doubt, is there a chance he could have interpreted it as you are not in the mood for that night?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 02/08/2013 02:38

He is sexually assaulting you. You have told him not to do it (though you shouldn't have to, it's the responsibility of the initiator to check that you consent first, not the sleeping person to withhold consent after) and he still does it, therefore he is sexually assaulting you.
You say you don't want to make a fuss if you 'want to make this work' but you can't make this work with someone who thinks he has a right to use your body sexually without your consent. This is not a small thing, it goes as deep as his fundamental views about you as less of a person than him and without having rights over your own body.
Yuk.

ravenAK · 02/08/2013 02:57

Yes, it's sexual assault.

It's only OK in a relationship where one partner has given the other explicit permission to erm, 'wake them up' like this, & on the basis that the gropee can say any time '...actually...don't do that again, I've gone off it.' In which case the groper should then immediately pack it in.

You never agreed to this, you've asked him to stop. He's carried on doing it despite what you've said. It's sexual assault.

MajesticWhine · 02/08/2013 09:18

Personally, I don't mind being woken up like this. But if you have firmly asked him to not do it, and then he does it again, then no, it's not ok.

Rooners · 02/08/2013 09:23

Why did you separate? It sounds as if he has blamed you for being 'too uptight' about stuff?

IMO that translates into 'I am going to treat you as I wish and you are being petty if you complain or don't like it'

I would dump his ass and run very fast.

Lazyjaney · 02/08/2013 09:29

You don't like it, he does, people differ in bedroom tastes as you can see from this thread - but if you want to stay together you have to negotiate an agreement. Telling him his fortune because a bunch of randoms on an Internet chat board tell you that you are in the right (or wrong) is no use here.

Rooners · 02/08/2013 10:55

Hang on a minute. Just because he enjoys it, the fact that she Doesn't and has made this clear to him doesn't mean that they just need to 'negotiate' - if one party is not happy with a sexual behaviour then that means it is OFF LIMITS.

usualsuspect · 02/08/2013 11:00

If you have told him you don't like it he should stop doing it.

Why is that so hard for some posters to understand?

OP doesn't want him to do it.

ICBINEG · 02/08/2013 11:05

OP
You need to make it really clear that you aren't just saying "I dont want that right now" but that you are saying "I don't want that EVER".

If he does it even once more after that then it is assault.

It maybe that you are already past that point...I can't tell from what you have written.

FobblyWoof · 02/08/2013 11:06

It's fine and perfectly acceptable if you both feel comfortable with it. But you don't so no, it's not ok. Make this clear to him and that he's not to do it again. If he's the type of arse that will then get huffy with you tell him that he can't push the point because you don't get turned on by it so it will never work (not that you should have to say this).

Me and dp wake each other in this way sometimes but we are both consenting and hsve discussed how we feel about it. Also, we both know that if the other one isn't in the moox we back off and usually fall asleep in minutes anyway

MrsHoarder · 02/08/2013 11:12

Its not acceptable to do this to a partner who hasn't agreed to it beforehand. A person who is willing to touch another sexually without their consent and when they have said they don't enjoy it is a sexual abuser.

Maybe if you didn't say "I don't want that ever" then say that first, but this is a massive red flag even as it is.

OxfordBags · 02/08/2013 12:13

A person cannot give consent when they are asleep. To touch someone intimately without prior consent given when awake is sexual assault, legally and morally. For him to keep doing it despite you telling him not to and that you do not like it is a deliberate, pre-mediatated, sustained pattern of sexual abuse.
He has commited a series of crimes against you that you could have him prosecuted for. This is the cold, hard truth, not hyperbole or hysteria.he has repeatedly sexually assaulted you, and you know that he knows you do not want him to do this - that it pretty fucking terrifying that he continues to do it. It means he knows he is a rapey bastard, likes it and couldn't give a shit about what you want or like, or your basic rights as a woman. I bet he's doing it to punish you for the separation, as all abuse is about power. What a freak.

It is actually very serious and a massive red flag. Any counsellor or police officer trained in dealing with abuse and/or sexual issues would be highly concerned for you.

You should concentrate on making the split final, not trying to get back with a man who continues to sexually abuse you. He will only get worse and worse.

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Lazyjaney · 02/08/2013 12:14

Just because he enjoys it, the fact that she Doesn't and has made this clear to him doesn't mean that they just need to 'negotiate' - if one party is not happy with a sexual behaviour then that means it is OFF LIMITS

Sure it's off limits - but that's not the issue. The issue is, if the other party is really not happy with that decision, then the relationship won't last.

And if the first party still wants the relationship to continue, there may have to be compromise, and that requires negotiation.

MrsHoarder · 02/08/2013 12:57

Lazy: if she doesn't want something and he does the onus is on him to leave and find someone who does want it, not sexually assault her. If he does want to negotiate then he should do that, which would be fine. Not ignore her lack of consent.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/08/2013 13:13

But why should you have to "create a big fuss over nothing"? Surely you just say "I do not like it when you do X, please do not do it again". And he doesn't do it again. No fuss required.

If it doesn't work like that, then you do have a problem, and it isn't that you are uptight.

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