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My DP left on Saturday. Help please!

(131 Posts)
Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 15:00:54

Hi. A friend recommended MN and I have been reading posts which have helped my situation.
My long term DP left on Saturday. Whilst we had problems, it has come as a shock. Does anyone have any tips for getting through the day in the early days? I have 2 children, 10 and 6. Thank you in advance.

Mips Fri 02-Aug-13 22:56:58

Yes, aloof, lol. My big sausage fingers on my phone!
Thank you for your replies.

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 09:50:50

My youngest got very upset when he left. Made me very sad. We hadnt planned to see him till Tuesday but now he is seeing them today while i meet my cousin who is a lawyer and is helping me.
My DP got upset seeing my DC upset. Finding this all too hard.

Vivacia Sat 03-Aug-13 10:23:54

It'll be so hard, but not too hard that you can't cope. Getting some advice sounds very sensible. Is your cousin specialised in this area?

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 10:28:56

Not really but she has some knowledge.
I miss him so much. Its taking all my strength not to just run to his house and tell him. Feel so low.

Vivacia Sat 03-Aug-13 11:29:16

A couple of days ago he seemed to be having second thoughts. How does he seem now, or have you just not really seen him to talk to?

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 12:51:59

Seen him but he seems to be expelling all his energies renovating the house. Not sure how he feels but when he messages me they are fun and friendly. Very confused.

JustBecauseICan Sat 03-Aug-13 15:54:15

What actual reason has he given for leaving? What does he actually say? You seem to have had a lot of contact in a week given that he has "left"
Was there some kind of row? Because if he is certain of wanting to be away from you, then all this coming round and texting is doing you nothing but harm. He may see it as being kind and caring towards you and the children, but I guess that all you are thinking is that it might mean he wants you back. Which of course it might, but you need to get to the bottom of why he left in the first place really. Is there someone else? Was there? And now the reality of what he has done has hit?

It is possible he thinks he has made a mistake but is trying to give himself space to think about it or he genuinely doesn't know what to do (even more likely if he does have AS). It sounds like he is as muddled about the whole thing as you. Maybe he has had a bit of a breakdown - who knows?

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing by staying friendly but distant, Mips. If he has made a mistake he needs to come to that conclusion himself, sort himself out wrt to the depresssion and apologise so that you are able to then move forward together in putting things right. You don't want him coming back out of pity because you begged him or appeared not to be coping without him, which could happen the way things are at the moment. He doesn't seem convinced he should have gone.

Lets hope if he has made a mistake he doesn't leave it so long to come clean that you have moved on because you can't wait around for him. You have to take control of your own life which is what you seem to be doing. I think you are being very strong about it all. smile

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 22:18:00

Justbecause, thank you for reply. He left according to him, because he didnt like what his depressive moods was doing to the family. He said that i was stubborn and would not agree to moving when he hated living here (we have a neighbour from hell). He said living here ate him up every day and i did not consider his feelings. Partly true but my main reason was my kids being in school catchment and close to friends. There is and has never been OW. He was a recluse and never went out. He also suffers social anxiety.
Bertha, thank you for reply. I think you may be right.he is giving himself space away from the family home and thinking about what he wants. I decided to meet friends earlier and as youngest DC was missing him, he agreed to look after them. I went out and had a good old natter with good friends who supported me. On my return he looked fed up and looked sad. I said it didnt have to be like this and left. He was looking glum as he watched us drive away.
I think he is having a mid life crisis. I feel relief to be away from the stress if our relationship but at the same time i hope he takes time to evaluate his own self. I wrote a letter but didnt send it. Helped writing my feelings down.

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 22:18:43

were doing to the family

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 00:30:26

My 10 year old son has just come downstairs asking when i'm coming to bed as he doesnt feel safe upstairs. This is new and when i asked why, he broke down saying he just wants his daddy back. He has been brave all week since DP left. I've comforted him but don't know what to do. Why am i having to deal with this? Should i tell DP about DS or keep quiet. Feel so much for my DC. Its not what i ever wanted for them.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 07:07:43

I would tell him, not in a way of getting him back but so as to make him take responsibility for his actions.

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 11:06:44

I emailed him but now wishing i hadnt. Hope he doesnt see it as emotional blackmail. I just am at a loss how to deal with it all. I sent it half an hour ago. No reply yet.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 12:03:26

I think he needs to know, otherwise you end up bearing the brunt of everything. How did you describe it? Factually or emotionally? Did you just inform him or did you ask for something such as, "please talk to him as soon as you can and reassure him..."?

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 14:15:51

It was factual but friendly. He has replied with tips how to help him. He then ended it with tell him i love him and miss him, then a X (kiss).
Ive replied saying i miss him too. Probably wrong thing to do.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 14:22:06

I don't think it was the wrong thing to do. I think it's important to be in authentic with your feelings and just try to survive each day.

No I don't think it's wrong either. I think if you can let him know your feelings without putting any pressure on him that is a good thing. If the door is still open for him then he needs to know. Whether he goes through that door should be his choice though.

I agree he also needs to see the bigger picture of what he has done. He is a grown up, he has to deal with it and not pretend that other people aren't affected by this too. He may be going through a difficult time but he isn't alone in that. You are too. A bit of a reality check really.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 04-Aug-13 14:37:25

Hello OP

you said in one of your posts that it took your best friend to point out to you your shortcomings was this just in general or the way you behaved with your dh.
I ask because I too lost my parents the same as you, 5/6 years ago and have been told by friends and family that my behaviour hasn't been me at all.
If your anxiety is related to this? maybe counselling would be a good idea for you and would most definitely help you during this time without your dh.
I am sorry you are going through this and can sympathise so much. Others are right that you need time to sort through this and no matter how hard it will be your dh needs time away too. I think you both sound mixed up right now, but it will get better.

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 17:55:44

Thank you everyone.
Poptatop, my mood and behaviour has changed. My mum died suddenly from heart problem and then i had to partly care for my fathet with alzheimers till he died 2 years ago. I just felt sad all the time and felt i was suddenly an adult and in charge. I suppose i have become stubborn and also given up on aspects of my life. I suppose my dp felt i gave up on him. I do love him as he was my rock during that time. He told me i had to realise that showing love wasnt always about physical but about the things we do.
He didnt reply to the i miss you text but he did send a text asking if i needed anything from aldi!

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 18:23:30

Aw. It's difficult to guess whether he's missing you or trying to reach a new relationship based on friendship. It all reads as quite a confusing situation to be in. How are you feeling a week on?

Mips Sun 04-Aug-13 19:51:26

He has contacted me to ask if he can come round. Says he wants a fishing rod from the garage. Thats every day we have seen him. What can i do? I want to see him but its too painful when he leaves. I just want to say please stay and dont leave.
Ive written a letter explaining about my parents and how it has affected me.

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 20:01:57

Are you going to send the letter?

I wonder if you need to be less obliging? Let him experience what a separation actually feels like? Perhaps you could reply something like, "If this is what's happening then we need to get in to a routine of shared parenting. As for collecting your belongings, shall we agree for you to come and clear the house on Saturday 17th?".

Vivacia Sun 04-Aug-13 20:02:56

Sorry, that's a bit rubbish, but I'm thinking about making it clear that he can't just pop 'round to your house and that contact won't be cosy, it'll be civil and business-like.

JustBecauseICan Sun 04-Aug-13 20:19:45

I don't think this is very fair on you, or the children, this almost constant contact when actually, he has decided to leave you all!

I am guessing that deep down inside, every time he does contact you, or come round, you get a tiny bit more hopeful that things will be OK and you can get back to being a normal family?

Do you think his wanting to leave and his depression and MH issues are part and parcel of the same issue?

You are clearly hurting inside and it must be so hard if there haven't been rows, or precedent behaviour from him to give you an inkling there was something wrong with your marriage to accept what is happening now, but he really needs to be made to see that this is unfair on you and your children. He either goes, or he comes back. If you are clinging to hope that it will all be OK (and you would be a harder woman than most of us if you weren't) then just think about the children. Dad coming round constantly, talking to Mum constantly, calling, being helpful.....if he then doesn't come back properly, they will be gutted, even more than they already are. He needs to understand that I think.

NanaNina Sun 04-Aug-13 20:22:32

So sorry for you, your DP and the children. To be honest I think the main thing is that he gets help for his depression. I suffer from intermittent depression and know the torment of this illness. It's no good him taking ADs that were prescribed for you. ADs can be very effective treatment for depression. I know you can't physically get him to the GP but I would try to encourage you.

It sounds to me like he has separated himself physically from you (and this was made easy for him as you already have this house) but not practically or emotionally. I definitely think he should know about the effect he is having on the children. Maybe you can work out some middle road that means the children feel more secure, as it certainly sounds you still care about each other.

It's such a shame that depression is ruining his life, when it can be treated. Well at least the symptoms can be treated but not the underlying cause.

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