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Am I being emotionally abused very confused :/

(150 Posts)
Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 09:30:40

Hello
I'm a member but have name changed for this.
My husband has basically been caught cyber cheating on me a few times these were a few years ago but i only found out recently.
He was also flirting and messaging women at work all this info was drop fed to me over the past two years.
Which is why I think I'm still here he is the last person you would think would cheat although he says he never cheated physically the stuff I read and found was disgusting.
February he smashed the house up because I went out without him smashed up my things.
Recently his behaviour has gotten worse he constantly checks my phone and logs into my Facebook accuses me of having affairs and looking at other men.
A few nights ago I went out to watch a show and he said he wanted sex when I got home , my younger sister wanted to stay over and he went ballistic like a lunatic going mad saying 'he wanted pussy' and how would he get it with my sister here. He argued on me for a good hour over this in the end my sister did not stay.

When I got home he got out of bed and sat waiting for me I said I didn't want it had been at work all day and had been out and was tired but he jus wouldn't listen said he wanted it etc. I ended up just walking upstairs like a robot and lay there I didn't want it an after he goes that doesn't count what just happened you made me feel like I raped you.
The sex thing is a constant thing that happens I say no but he still gets his way and I end up doing it.

He blows up for the slightest thing he's meant to be going out next week with his friends and our children are staying in Wales with their nan I said I might go out to but he just went mental over it saying I can't go
Out. I'm taking the piss thinking I can go
Out again and he would rather us go out together instead as he feels he can't go out now as he will be worrying where I am all night.
We went to a wedding and he accused me of looking a other men all might an had a huge row when we got home.

He never used to be like this but since I caught him out with his cheating he's just getting worse he actually told me the other day he wa going to burn my face with acid if I leave him so I'm scarred for life.
He made out it was a joke afterwards but it was far from funny to me. He sits there staring at me even while I watch TV and when I ask him to stop he says he does it because I'm so beautiful.
The other night we were watching something and a woman was being drowned and again he said he was going to do that to me.
Just last night he Said if I ever leave him thy he will stab me in the face.
I went to bed early and he was moaning about that and started arguing on me again about next weekend he said its my fault and I know how to push his buttons.

I start to dread him coming home he's like a man possessed with me I'm so bloody embarrassed I don't know how it's got to this after ten years together.
I feel like its maybe this is normal and Im blowing it up an making it worse than what it is.
I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated like this but thought we could get past it but if anything his behaviour has got worse.

He blows up over the slightest thing I do that upsets him an he he said he's wrote down everytime I've gone out. He really treats me likes sex object a lot to and says derogatory things to me.
He's not the man I married I'm 27 now I feel trapped I just want to get out but I've got no where to go and he puts on such a nice act all the time I'm really confused of what he's doing is normal or not.

I know this is a ramble but had to tell someone what's going on thank you

AllThatGlistens Fri 02-Aug-13 12:35:45

Thinking of you this morning OP, you are being so strong and have done exactly the right thing both for yourself and your children, I know it will take a little while for them to adjust but it will honestly be a much, much healthier environment for them to be safely with their Mum than living in a tense, scary atmosphere like that, they do pick up on the undercurrents, as much as you try not to show that you're afraid.

Wishing you lots of luck and happiness now you're safely away flowers

MegaClutterSlut Fri 02-Aug-13 12:43:46

It's his cheating that has made him extremely paranoid about you and it's definitely not normal behaviour. You have done the right thing smile

I'm really glad that you left op, wishing you and the dc's all the happiness you deserve flowers

cjel Fri 02-Aug-13 13:10:04

Think you are amazing tohave left Frog. I hope you have the support you need to see it through. Try not to let dcs make you feel guilty, they will have much better life when this has calmed down.
My b-il used to do the suicide threat thing and in the end my sil just txt back saying fed up with hearing about it if you are going to then just do it. He naver has!!!!

colditz Sat 03-Aug-13 02:09:33

Just bear in mind than I predicted this bullshit on Thursday. I don't know either of you, so unless he's behaving like a typical abuser, how could I have known what he was going to do?

You've had the weepy promises, and the suicide threats. Neither have got him his own way.

Now, batten down the hatches. He is about to make life difficult. Do not be surprised by, eg; calls to the social services, refusal to pay maintenance, claims that he can't afford to travel to see them, phone calls to them where he attempts to manipulate them into saying they want to 'go home', a smear campaign with acquaintances, random threatening visits to your new address.

Ignore. Unless he turns up at your house, ignore.

Inthefog Sat 03-Aug-13 07:15:37

I'm still at my mom's she wants me to call the police to get him out of the house so we can go back.
I don't know if I want that it's so difficult I want to be at my home but can't he will just harass me there anywhere won't he?
I haven't called the police on him as stupid as it sounds I feel guilty about calling them on him. Wish he would just leave so I can be on my own with the children but he won't he sent me a message saying he's not leaving.
I am going to have sort out somewhere for us to go I feel so stressed it's unreal not sleeping and stomach turning over.
The strength in me is just ebbing away at the moment

Chottie Sat 03-Aug-13 07:23:27

Stay strong and think of your children and yourself. This man sounds extremely dangerous and out of control.........

Moxiegirl Sat 03-Aug-13 07:35:08

You've done a really brave difficult thing. Have you tried women's aid for advice?

hotbot Sat 03-Aug-13 07:58:09

No experience of this, but listen to the very good advice of tHe previous posters, they have helped lots and lots of women. You are doing he right thing for you and your children, you are not being selfish.

Good luck
You can get a NORMAL LIFE back.

ThreeTomatoes Sat 03-Aug-13 08:29:56

Switch off your phone so you don't have to read his messages or take any calls, but KEEP all his texts & messages, they can be used as evidence of harassment/abuse.

Absolutely call the police.

Just saw this thread. Well done for getting out! It may be predictable on the outside, but it doesn't feel like that when you live it.
Do call the police, tell them of his behaviour and his threats. It is illegal what he has done, and they should be very helpful to protect you and the children.
He will probably be arrested and interviewed, and this may help him to see it is HIS behaviour that is unreasonable, not yours. It's not foolproof, but it also means that they may press charges, and he will be released on bail which usually means he is NOT allowed near the home, you or the children.
You are certainly not being selfish. It's breathtaking how selfish he is. My x was bad, but this man here is really well over the top. It seems that his mental health is deteriorating in how he views you, and that is not safe for you. Stay strong! [flowers}

glastocat Sat 03-Aug-13 08:51:48

He sounds completely terrifying! I'm so glad you have left, if I were you I'd move somewhere far away and not tell him where. And please go to Women's Aid, they can help you do what is best. stay strong!

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 03-Aug-13 09:01:08

Fog go to NCDV they will help you to get an injunction/non molestation order. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

link here

Please talk to the police - it really will help I promise.

minkembernard Sat 03-Aug-13 10:04:23

OP I know it is hard to go to the police.apart from anything you probably fear his reaction. you can speak to the police and decide whether you just want it all logged or if you want them to visit him.
but do speak to them. for your safety. that is the most important thing right now: your safety.

It mus be horrible for you though. extremely stressful. and you should never have been put in this position but you are in it. so you must keep going.

onwards and upwards. it will get better.

get as much rl help as you can. police. WA. GP.

HommeDeLaMer Sat 03-Aug-13 11:40:30

Get out now and report it. You owe it to your children first, yourself second.

DameFanny Sat 03-Aug-13 11:51:23

Please call the police. Please don't feel guilty about reporting someone who's threatened you with acid and drowning. You need to be safe, he needs to be stopped. Report the suicide threats too - maybe he can get some medical help.

But don't let him see the kids yet - I'm genuinely worried that he would hurt them to get back at you. Seriously - you need some professional help - this man sounds so dangerous. you might not see it from the inside, but from the outside his behaviour is deeply chilling.

Ledkr Sat 03-Aug-13 12:12:22

I did some training recently run by women's aid and can tell you for definite this is abuse and the signs are very very serious.
Do not just leave, get professional help to make a planned safe exit.
Please.

minkembernard Sun 04-Aug-13 10:18:31

fog how are you today?
Hope you are managing to get through.
Sending you strength and good wishes. thanks

ElBombero Sun 04-Aug-13 13:58:38

Please get the police to help you get back into your home. I know it's a definite and final move but he needs to know you mean busy. The abusive texts should stop then too. Please don't do this without their intervention

LuisSuarezTeeth Sun 04-Aug-13 15:34:22

Hi fog thinking of you today. Hope you are getting some help.

Inthefog Sun 08-Sep-13 19:09:39

I wanted to update this thread for all the lovely lady's who helped me.
I did in the end go back home and get him out of the house unfortunately I'm still not in the best situation but better than it was.
Since he's been gone he's stalked me even broke into the house whilst I slept but denied it and I had no evidence.
He came back a few days ago he swings from being reasonable and coping to acting desperate. He asked if he could see the boys on Tuesday I let him come around he saw me on mobile and grabbed it off me and smashed it up he starting screaming at me like a raving lunatic saying he was going to strangle me I had to run out the house and ask a passer by to call the police. Since he's been gone he's stole my handbag and pretended it wasn't him and I've had my tyre slashed and he had to have the kids for an hour last week whilst I had hospital (this was when he was acting all nice with me) and he drew in biro all over my shoes and burnt cigarette holes in them.
He professes his undying love for me every single day I get confused when he shows his lovely side but then does all these weird things and denies it.
Sometimes I wonder if life was even better when he was here and I have been ill constantly since he's been gone with colds , kidney infections etc think it'd stress and not eating.
He got arrested last week but they always let him out.
I told my family if I get murdered it will be him that's done it.
He found out I slept with someone else on a drunken night out and his behaviour got more irrational after that. He even has my name in his phone as 'the whore' and has told everyone I cheated on him when we weren't even together.
I've been made to look the bad one somehow I need to move and keep ringing the agency everyday to see if another house has come up.
I stay here for normality and try to keep things normal for the kids.
Life is hard I'm so depressed and constantly question what I've done thinking well he wasn't that bad etc but then I write it down and it s that bad but somehow think of the good times to.
He blackmails me with money he knows I'm skint and told me Saturday if I said I loved him he would give me some and more if I sleep with him I did neither as I wasn't that desperate.
Family and friends give mixed advice some still think essentially he's a good person and deserves another chance others tell me never to go back.

Daily life is a struggle hope I've done the right thing guys x

foolonthehill Sun 08-Sep-13 19:24:30

He was that bad, he is that bad and I am so sorry that having had the guts to get him out you are still going through all this.

Get all the help you can, report everything.

You are amazing that you are still there putting one foot in front of the other and looking after your children.

many people will minimize his behaviour...you probably still do too...some things are too painfull to look full in the face...but one day it will help you to do that.

Get help from your GP, Women's aid, counselling, the freedom programme.

You deserve it and you need it.

Post on here and get lots of support, plenty of us have some experience of what you are going through.

keep going op, one day at a time and you will get to a better place.

foolonthehill Sun 08-Sep-13 19:27:05

Oh and by the way...he is a man, he has a choice about his behaviour and he is ENTIRELY in control of his actions, quite capable of hurting you and/or your boys, he can and will lie cheat and steal.

keep him out of your house, keep him away from your things, don;t let him in, use a contact centre for child contact and get advice from your police DV team and a solicitor.

he is dangerous and should be treated as such

NotHappyEither Sun 08-Sep-13 19:27:56

Please dont listen to the people who tell you to go back. You have done SO well getting this far. I'm sure someone will be along who knows more about this but maybe its time you got something legal about access with DC set down. It seems like you need to keep contact to a minimum.

NotHappyEither Sun 08-Sep-13 19:31:41

Yep foolonthehill said it a hundred times better than I did! If you need extra support lean on MN, you have done so well to get this far. I'm in awe of you to be honest.

Beccaloolah Sun 08-Sep-13 19:40:29

Honey, don't walk, bloody RUN.

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