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Am I being emotionally abused very confused :/

(150 Posts)
Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 09:30:40

Hello
I'm a member but have name changed for this.
My husband has basically been caught cyber cheating on me a few times these were a few years ago but i only found out recently.
He was also flirting and messaging women at work all this info was drop fed to me over the past two years.
Which is why I think I'm still here he is the last person you would think would cheat although he says he never cheated physically the stuff I read and found was disgusting.
February he smashed the house up because I went out without him smashed up my things.
Recently his behaviour has gotten worse he constantly checks my phone and logs into my Facebook accuses me of having affairs and looking at other men.
A few nights ago I went out to watch a show and he said he wanted sex when I got home , my younger sister wanted to stay over and he went ballistic like a lunatic going mad saying 'he wanted pussy' and how would he get it with my sister here. He argued on me for a good hour over this in the end my sister did not stay.

When I got home he got out of bed and sat waiting for me I said I didn't want it had been at work all day and had been out and was tired but he jus wouldn't listen said he wanted it etc. I ended up just walking upstairs like a robot and lay there I didn't want it an after he goes that doesn't count what just happened you made me feel like I raped you.
The sex thing is a constant thing that happens I say no but he still gets his way and I end up doing it.

He blows up for the slightest thing he's meant to be going out next week with his friends and our children are staying in Wales with their nan I said I might go out to but he just went mental over it saying I can't go
Out. I'm taking the piss thinking I can go
Out again and he would rather us go out together instead as he feels he can't go out now as he will be worrying where I am all night.
We went to a wedding and he accused me of looking a other men all might an had a huge row when we got home.

He never used to be like this but since I caught him out with his cheating he's just getting worse he actually told me the other day he wa going to burn my face with acid if I leave him so I'm scarred for life.
He made out it was a joke afterwards but it was far from funny to me. He sits there staring at me even while I watch TV and when I ask him to stop he says he does it because I'm so beautiful.
The other night we were watching something and a woman was being drowned and again he said he was going to do that to me.
Just last night he Said if I ever leave him thy he will stab me in the face.
I went to bed early and he was moaning about that and started arguing on me again about next weekend he said its my fault and I know how to push his buttons.

I start to dread him coming home he's like a man possessed with me I'm so bloody embarrassed I don't know how it's got to this after ten years together.
I feel like its maybe this is normal and Im blowing it up an making it worse than what it is.
I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated like this but thought we could get past it but if anything his behaviour has got worse.

He blows up over the slightest thing I do that upsets him an he he said he's wrote down everytime I've gone out. He really treats me likes sex object a lot to and says derogatory things to me.
He's not the man I married I'm 27 now I feel trapped I just want to get out but I've got no where to go and he puts on such a nice act all the time I'm really confused of what he's doing is normal or not.

I know this is a ramble but had to tell someone what's going on thank you

ImperialBlether Thu 01-Aug-13 12:37:02

Do you know for definite he won't come back while you're packing? What he's doing is very, very frightening and I agree you should get out, but please get out safely. Your mum can come and pack up your things later if necessary. Just get yourself out.

NettleTea Thu 01-Aug-13 12:45:15

dont forget that if he hassles you or threatens you to get a non molestation/injunction thingie. I think they issue them quickly. I would also ring the police now and get it on record, tell them you are leaving and you are scared odf what he might do. You need to have a record of his threats to protect your children, seriously, however much he appears to 'love' them.
And he WILL cry, plead, promise and threaten to kill himself, so be prepared for this. You cant help him with that. You need to call emergency services if he does say it (dont discuss it with him, or tell him you will do this) If he is serious them he has a MH problem and they are the right people. If he is just sitting pretty and using it as a threat they will give him a bollocking and he wont dare do it again.... win win for you. You cannot be responsible for HIS problems.

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 12:52:50

Well done OP don't delay. Get essentials and paperwork.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Hugs and thanks and strength to you

LuisSuarezTeeth Thu 01-Aug-13 12:53:31

Go and be safe and please do ring the police.

TheSlug Thu 01-Aug-13 14:29:13

Just read this thread but wanted to say a massive well done. You've taken the first, very hard step. Stay strong. x

All the best OP.

SlimePrincess Thu 01-Aug-13 15:46:36

Well done and good luck x

FobblyWoof Thu 01-Aug-13 17:42:52

I only got as far as him bullying you into sex. That is not normal, not healthy and not right. At all. Especially considering he knew you didn't want it and carried on regardless. You don't deserve to be with someone as shit as this.

I'll read the rest of your OP later after I've fed DD, sorry I couldn't read it all now thanks

Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 17:53:06

I'm out now he is already harrassing crying on the phone saying he will change he rang me from my friends phone to trick me.
He's sent messages about twenty saying I'm to blame and I need to change. It's really confusing me that I'm in the wrong I know I'm not but he's twisting things.
I'm scared about everything my oldest is already crying he's six he loves his dad I feel guilty.
I can't let him mind game me I know that's what he's doing this is so hard.
I'm going to try and change my sim tomorrow it's an iPhone are the sims weird on those?
He can't trace me on here I'm using my mobile and he doesn't have a clue I've ever used this site im not a regular poster .

Stay strong op.
You will find an incredible amount of support here and a leaning post when you feel wobbly.

You are not to blame, you are just finding the strength to push yourself into a new, safe life.

Wherever you are, I hope you are getting some RL support.

YvyB Thu 01-Aug-13 18:14:46

You have done so well today. Stay strong and stand firm. His behaviour is appalling on every level and that is HIS responsibility, not yours. Your only responsibility is to keep yourself and your dcs safe. Not one person on here has suggested you give him the benefit of the doubt. That is because there is no doubt. Well done you for speaking out and then having the courage to act. You have been so brave.

MrsOgg Thu 01-Aug-13 18:18:06

Don't listen to him! Anyway, if it's all your fault he's better off without you anyway, right?

DON'T listen to him, your son deserves to grow up withour his mother geTting death threats!

Xales Thu 01-Aug-13 18:24:04

Stay strong. Don't read your phone.

This man has raped you, threatened to pour acid over your face and stab you in the face.

He did this. He is to blame for his actions.

You are not a person to him. You are property.

You are not to blame. Stay strong no matter how hard and scary. Your children need a better role model than a man who does this for them to copy!

BatwingsAndButterflies Thu 01-Aug-13 18:33:14

Well done OP, very pleased for you.

Yo can ring the police and advise them of the threats, they will put a flag on where you are staying and respond quickly if he turns up.

FairyThunderthighs Thu 01-Aug-13 21:36:01

Well done! You have done brilliantly. Turn your phone off, send a message to friends first saying you're OK and will be in touch soon but on a new number.
Don't even think about his texts, he will probably cycle through all sorts to try to get you back, not because he loves you but because he wants to control you. He will say it's your fault (it ISN'T), then he'll say you both need to work on things, then he'll say it's all his fault and he will change but he needs you, he might threaten suicide (report this to the police if he does). None of these things mean ANYTHING.
Good luck to you xxx

BerylStreep Thu 01-Aug-13 23:06:39

Have only read your OP - being emotionally abused is the very least of it. He is raping you and making threats to kill. If you haven't already, phone the police domestic violence unit for help and advice.

Will read the rest of the thread - apologies if this has already been said.

Noregrets78 Thu 01-Aug-13 23:20:24

Bloody hell OP! I've only just read your post - it's really bad. So glad to see you've made that decision so quickly after the penny dropping. Good luck.

Madlizzy Fri 02-Aug-13 00:19:34

you're amazing. you've done so well. if you've an iPhone 4 onward, you need a microsim. if you contact your provider, they'll sort you a new number.

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 00:46:00

well done OP for getting out.
don't wait until he does something before you call the police. call 101tomorrow .tell them you have left an abusive partner who has made specific verbal threats to harm you (which is itself domestic violence as well as domestic abuse)

the police can log this infirmation but do not have to act on it unless you want them to.

but they need to know so that if anything happens they come quickly. i hope you don't need them but it is really important that they take any call from your address very seriously.

also make sure all you friends and anyone who deals with dc know you are in danger. they are not to give him your contact details or discuss you with him

and watch fb etc.

i would be wary of letting him see dcs anywhere other then a contact centre if at all for time being.
speak to WA. you may need to get a residence order naming you as the resident parent.

and if he tries to contact you disengage try not to get drawn in.

sorry OP. this is a massive amount to deal with. you have done brilliantly. no matter what he says now he will not change except for the worse so even if you start to feel very low or t miss him please don't go back. (it is surprisingly normal not to feel great once the adrenaline wears off so be ready for it...it does get better..) you have done a brilliant thing. when you are ready counselling, freedom program and come and rant on the EA thread that was linked above. there is lots if support for you here and in rl.

TheSilverySoothsayer Fri 02-Aug-13 01:36:59

Oh well done OP. Stay strong and stay safe. Hope to see you on the EA thread. So many women owe so much to that thread.

Inthefog Fri 02-Aug-13 06:38:32

Morning guys did not get much sleep last night. He started sending suicide threats I knew he would saying I had an hour to get home or he would kill himself then counting down you've got 20mins, 30 mins etc
He didn't do it as he was still texting me after that.
I've got up and feel more than ever than I want him out of my life last nights tricks and mind games just cement that.
It's difficult I still have a baby as well as my older children world feels all upside down.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 02-Aug-13 07:38:00

Why are these types so predictable? Completed suicide is the most tragic, awful thing - yet, within hours of being left, it's the threat that all these bullies 'pull out of a hat' to try to get their punchbag to come back. Is there any other aspect of human behaviour that is so universally predictable? BTW, I believe the advice is generally to call the police to go round and make sure someone's ok, if they're threatening suicide...not what ex will be expecting!

YvyB Fri 02-Aug-13 09:19:29

How boringly predictable. I know it's easy to say but just ignore. What he does is down to his free choice as an adult. It's nothing to do with you at all. You need to put all your energy in to securing the future for yourself and your dcs. I would def ring the police and send them round if he threatens again.

Anyhoo... you must have been on a massive adrenaline surge yesterday. You've done fantastically well. Don't be surprised if you crash and burn at some point. All that chemical energy needs to disperse and if you need to have a bloody good cry at some point, sit down and howl. We'll all be here to pass you virtual tissues!

If you have strength today get as much advice as you can. Try Womens Aid if you're not sure where to start. Might be worth enquiring about benefits too, just so you start to feel a bit more in control. This is day 1 of your new life but you don't have to eat the elephant all in one go. One bite at a time and keep breathing will get you through it just fine smile

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 10:02:54

brewInthefog sorry for your tough night. maybe switch your phone offwhen you don't really need it. and agree with above call the police if he threatens suicide again. they can deal with him.

you should if you can log this as it is an attempt at coercive control which along with threats of physical violence is i believe illegal since the change in the law earlier this year. any evidence of DV will help you get legal aid if you need it. legal aid is no longer available for family cases except on cases of DV.
know it s a lot to take in but you may need this for your future.

wishing you strength fog. keep posting.

LuisSuarezTeeth Fri 02-Aug-13 10:43:07

Morning OP so very well done to you. Predictable he may be, but it's do hard on you.

Have you contacted the police yet? I promise it is the very best thing to do.

Stay strong, we are all here for you x

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