Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Fuck Buddies can anyone tell me ?(120 Posts)
Been wondering and what is it that is required when someone has a Fuck Buddy ?, curious really not come across this before.
I've had a few. You just meet for sex and then go your separate ways. All v friendly and no emotions involved. If you think you might develop feelings or it's someone you already have feelings for then don't go there. Obviously you have to like the person and get on with them but there's an agreement in place that it's just sex and won't develop into a relationship.
With the right person it can work very well. You're both scratching an itch basically.
What is required? No romantic feelings for that person. Don't become FB with someone if you would really like to develop a relationship.
There are 'rules' some people have like no staying over, not seeing each other on a regular basis etc.
Well-chosen FBs can work very well. IME, however, most of the time one person ends up getting hurt because they want the relationship to go somewhere. I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking they can keep it just about sex because they don't want to risk getting hurt, and that is not the same thing as having no desire for an emotional connection but wanting regular sex. Like I say, it can work well if the right people are involved, but think about your motives carefully.
Also, just because it's not a relationship doesn't mean that you're not entitled to be treated with respect. The same standards apply for FBs as they do with anyone in life. You wouldn't accept being stood up by a work colleague, nor should you accept it from a FB. Consideration and courtesy should be a given.
Thanks no I would never consider it just was curious , couldnt handle that at all sounds very cold to me , but i DO APPRECIATE EVERYONE FOR TELLING ME how it goes ..........
I had a FB once........
reader, I married him!
BMW6 - YOU DID? please tell me more that is if you care to share , happy for you !
Well, I'd known DH as a friend for 2-3 years, one of a group of my mates who met up after work in local pub.
One fairly drunken night in the pub I said that I could really do with a shag (I'm SUCH a lady) and he said he would be happy to help me out or words to that effect , so he came home with me to DTD, and jolly good it was too!!
Well, this carried on for a few weeks, with me thinking we were just good friends who have sex, then he confessed that he'd thought I was The One the whole time he'd known me, and that he really loved me.
I realised that I loved him too, he moved in with me and a year later we got married (2005)
I was 47 and he was 45 when we married, so we were a bit elderly for the whole Fuck Buddy thing (I hadn't even heard the phrase till recently)
That is so lovely BMW6 what a great story , happy to hear how it worked out and so easily by the sounds of it !.........puts a whole new dimension on the term FB !, just shows you , you never know what or who is round the corner or right under your nose!
I think friendship is key - that, and nothing more. I had a fuck buddy when I was at uni - we had known each other for a while, always got on really well as friends. The decision to have sex was very rational - we were both single and wanted sex and cuddles.
He met someone and fell in love so I bowed out - there was no pain involved and our friendship returned to what it had been before. His gf knew about us (I knew her too) and knew exactly what the relationship now was - he and I met up very occasionally as friends (because we were both whisky buffs and she was not interested so we'd go to tastings - very public) and that was fine. She married him. I married DH.
You do need to be very, very honest to have an FB relationship that works.
Have never had a fb. I just can't imagine liking somebody enough to want to sleep with them, but not enough to form some sort of relationship with them. So you like somebody, you trust them enough to sleep with them, you fancy them enough to want to sleep with them, you're honest with them and can communicate the exact nature of the deal to them? but that's it??
It's predominantly a matter of rejecting both monogamy and any intention to move in together, get married or have DC. Not everyone wants to have a committed, monogamous relationship, after all. It can be fun, life-enhancing and convenient, if you are busy or committed to something more important than a couple-relationship but want a bit of fun now and again. There are plenty of people who are good in bed but, while not unpleasant, just aren't the sort of people you want to spend a lot of time with out of bed.
You need to engage your brain and behave ethically, though. Fuckbuddies should always be treated with the same courtesy as any other friend/workmate/family member. If you make a date, you keep it; if you're visiting the other person at his/her home it's polite to bring some wine or something.
If you are going to get distressed at the idea of your fuckbuddy fucking other people, then this sort of arrangement is not for you.
If you start getting upset during this sort of arrangement, it's very important to take responsibility for your own feelings and end the arrangement politely. Do not whine, stalk, or badmouth the other person for being 'damaged' when you are the one who moved the goalposts.
On the other hand, if you have several fuckbuddies, it's not polite to discuss them with one another, or to criticise one to another, and most of all it's rude to tell fuckbuddy A that you are fonder of fuckbuddy B or that B has a better body or a special skill or whatever.
I had a fuck buddy and a great arrangement it was too. We started as a one night stand and enjoyed it so much that we continued to see each other for sex. We used to occasionally frequent the same bars etc so if we met up by coincidence, we would usually go home together. We did actually spend the night together most times as we lived about 10 miles apart so it was a hassle to drive home. We carried on for years and if one of us started seeing someone else, we'd just not meet each other until that relationship was over. I look back on that 'relationship' with much fondness, it worked well.
Thats really nterstng and makes it very clear what you do need and dont need to do when having FB, clear guidleines and taking responsiblity seems key to make it work ..............thanks for the imput everyone.
Hold on a sec everyone, let's not for one second pretend to Honeysuckle that it's an easy breezy care free situation. IME most FB connections end badly and have detrimental consequences. This also changes your psyche in future relationships where you always have one leg already out side your current relationship knowing your FB is waiting in the wings should things not work out.
Also comparing the sex in a FB situation to that of a 'normal' LT relationship is what causes most marriages to break down.
FB may be a recent coined phrase but men have been doing FB since time began. Women just never knew it. He was just sleeping with women even if they thought they were in a relationship. And you wonder why when he gets married he can't keep him zip shut.
in FB there is no pregnancy and down times when your partner needs support, you just put your clothes on and walk away. So it forms emotional calluses.
Come on people. I'm not a puritan but how many emotional affairs exist because an old FB is in the wings.
And no I'm not trying to talk anyone out of having fun. but think long and hard Honeysuckle I've known many a person that has felt used after a FB abruptly ends. (imagine someone ending it with 'you're a poor sh*g' ewww)
ofmiceandmen sorry that you didn't have a positive FB situation but those are some far flung claims you're making there.
I've had fab times with a FB with no emotional callouses as you so eloquently put it. Don't judge other peoples experiences by your experience.
OFmiceandmen- I thankyou for your wise words and wisdom and I actually agree how could no-one not get hurt , I dont know how it would not do your head in and cause hurt and disappointment , maybe fun to start but I could not handle the lack of emotion that seems to be the territory in this game , I will come clean and someone did suggest we become FB's, I declined , BUT SINCE HAVE BEEN curious to see how it goes if you like and how people cope with it ...............it seems very tempting but I thin k you need to know yourself before doing anything that can cause upset ............to me it is dangerous ground ..........and to be avoided at all costs.But I do not judge others and thank everyone for there experience on this as I said it is new to me and now I realise it is not for me .........but maybe suit others.
That's an interesting view, miceandmen. What you are talking about is committed people thinking of having affairs which is a different scenario.
Also it's not compulsory for someone to get their feelings hurt. I'm not looking for a monogamous relationship so fb suits me fine. If I or the other person ends it, so be it. It's about freedom in relationships, to me.
Also most people who do fb are ultra safe with their sexual health, more so than ONS or affairs. At least I have found that to be the case among my friends.
pink never had a bad experience, but thought it was worth while letting OP know that there is a flip side.
It's one thing to say 'pick wisely' but unless one knows what the consequences of picking badly can be ,then the advice is pointless.
All for fun
I married mine too
TBF, we were in a relationship first, but were young and stupid, so wanted different things. We split up and just stayed friends who had sex sometimes. About 5 years later, we realised we had both matured a bit and did actually want the same things, so got back together and got married later the same year
OOW that sounds lovely whispersof wickedness, if only I would be that fortunate!
Actually, there is a feminist angle to this, which is that monogamy is bullshit for women. It's not remotely natural and the propaganda in favour of it is a means of getting women to accept male ownership and embrace domestic slavery.
It's quite liberating for women to have NSA sex. It teaches you that you don't have to 'work at relationships' and you can just dump men who are boring, unsatisfactory or difficult. However, the idea of women having sexual autonomy rather than relationships being under men's control (he 'chooses' you, you have to 'keep' him) is really scary to a lot of people, hence all the waa-ing and baa-ing that starts whenever anyone talks about women having lots of different sexual partners.
I disagree with SGB's take personally because it's not necessarily about expectations or future plans or wanting to conform is it? that is not why people sleep with other people......... it's about feelings isn't it?
and that's the bit that I can't get to stack up. I can't sleep with people if there's no attraction. I need to feel it. They need to be good company, good humoured, clever, attractive, generous........ and all of that before I 'feel' it. don't know. Envy you all that you have so many male friends/acquaintances that this comes to you. I don't know how.
I don't want to get married. But there's a huge middle ground between wanting to suit yourself and wanting sex with somebody you don't feel much for.
If I'm a feminist, which I am, I want to have it on my terms. And those terms are, have to bloody well like the guy, and he has to like me and think well of me too obviously. Those are my terms. Not going to get sucked into believing that there is a feminist angle to NSA sex any more than I'm going to get sucked into patriarchal angles that I need to have a husband so that other people don't feel sorry for me.
I do agree with you about the 'not working at relationships' thing. I did have one relationship with a man who was ten years older than I am, and I enjoyed it for as long as I enjoyed it and then the minute I stopped enjoying it I ended it. If I'd been 22 I would have felt external pressures to try harder etc, work at it, just be part of a couple.
So, point I'm making SGB is that there 's a huge middle ground between not falling for the waltzing up the aisle happy ending bullshit and wanting /needing to feel something (or a lot) for the person you decide to sleep with.
ps, I do totally agree with that not working at relationships thing though. NEVER again. If it is hard work, or it needs to be worked at then byeeeee
Join the discussion
Please login first.