So here I am for the fourth consecutive night completely unable to sleep, my head just won't stop spinning, and I'm hoping off-loading on here and any subsequent advice might help a little. There is a ton of backstory, so apologies if this is a bit convoluted - I will keep it as brief as I can.
For the past couple of months I've had an awful gut feeling that something was "off" in my relationship with H, I have tried to talk to him on several occasions but he has just brushed me off and attributed my concerns to paranoia on my part. I'd delved a bit and hadn't found any evidence of wrong-doing on his part, even my closest friends assured me he adored me and I was imagining things but I was unable to shake the feeling off. I ultimately found myself on MN and reading AmIJustParanoid's thread, the more I read the louder the alarm bells were ringing and I was convinced something was up.
How right I was. I managed to remotely access H's internet search history and am utterly devastated by what I discovered. Porn, chat rooms, but most sickeningly web searches for "one night stands" in a city he's travelled to recently on a business trip. I confronted him, and so the drip-feeding began; he was "just looking" and then "it only happened once", yada yada...
Fast forward a few days and it transpires that not only has he cheated on me but that he paid for the pleasure of doing so, oh, and just as a bit of a random aside he has a major addiction to porn, and lesserly chat rooms and dating sites. Gutted, wretched, disgusted - none of them even come close.
He has admitted he has "a problem" (no real getting away from that one!) and is already seeking professional help. On the surface he appears to be incredibly remorseful, he claims he will never forgive himself but that he can change and is pleading with me to try and work things out. But he is obviously a total stranger to me! I mean I was aware he wasn't averse to a bit of porn and don't have a problem with it per se, but I just can't believe I was so oblivious to the extent of his problem. Now that the blinkers are off I'm pretty sure that him shagging a hooker is just the tip of a Titanic sized iceberg, I also have suspicions of a past EA...I have no idea if there is the slightest possibility of us ever coming out the other side of this or whether I even want to.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can he really change...And do I even care?
Awomanscorned · 01/08/2013 03:18
You poor thing. It took a lot of digging on your part for him to be caught & then be all remorseful. He blamed you being 'paranoid' & quite possibly still would be if you hadn't got the remote access.
Yes to the sti tests.
Only you will know whether you can get past this (& you certainly won't know just yet, I expect you're in shock)
But it's up to him to try to put things right. And for me that would be him doing the work, not saying "I'll do anything you say" & putting it back on you
Take all the time you need & keep talking. I'm really sorry he's doing this 
Don't be worrying what your friends think. Werent they the ones telling you that he adored you and you were imagining it all? We had a friend who started dating a gay friend in our circle. We were all a bit 
. 10 years later they often comfort members of our circle through divorces. So stuff doing what you think will impress or appease your friends. Because really this all comes down to how you feel.
I know you admit that this is the crux of your problem. Can you trust him again? Does he deserve a second chance. You seem to have a good gut feeling. I mean, you suspected and were right. If your gut is saying stay,then do. If it is telling you something else, then listen to it.
Im sorry. 
What a shock that must have been. It must have made you feel like your whole marriage was a sham. 
It's all well and good saying LTB, which is what any sane person would say under the circumstances I think, but you've just discovered all this and you're reeling. You need time to take it in and consider your response. I understand that.
I would still make him leave for now. I don't see how you can have the necessary space to think this through with him being around. Phrase it as "I need some space" or "a trial separation" rather than "it's over" if it makes you feel better, but he really needs to go in the short term, even if it's just a week at a mate's rather than a flat somewhere.
You have three separate issues you need to deal with I think. Any one of them on their own would break many relationships, so I'll be honest and say I don't see how you can come back from all 3, but then I don't know either you or him, and you may have a past that you feel is worth working them through. You need to tackle each one separately - infidelity, sex addiction, porn use. Remember that the onus is on him to prove to you that he's worth taking a risk on, not on you to give him a chance to show he's changed.
Good luck and hope you feel better soon.
You must be in shock how cruel of him to dismiss your concerns as paranoia only for you to discover that your gut instincts were spot on.
Don't make any long term decisions - but do ask him to go away to give you space.
Did he actually use prostitutes? The cheating is bad enough but to buy women's bodies, that must be really devastating as it shows what he really thinks of women - he must hate them.
The sex addiction if that it's was it is, is HIS issue and only he can deal with it.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.