Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What would you make of this?(47 Posts)
We had a female friend to stay with us for a couple of nights recently who is mostly a friend of DHs. She is divorced and a bit of a party animal. We see her about once a year.
On Saturday,her second night staying with us, we all went to a bbq and everyone got very merry. When we returned to the house at 10pm, I decided to stay home and put the kids to bed (12 yr olds). My DH and this woman went to the pub to carry on partying (I encouraged this as I wanted to go to bed). I woke up at 1am with my DH coming into the room to kiss me goodnight and I fell straight back asleep, assuming he was coming to bed.
About 15 minutes later, I sensed that he wasn't in bed so I got up to search for him. He was nowhere to be found in the house (or garden) I looked at the guest bedroom door and thought: NO! So I opened the door and gave them both the shock of their lives! He was sitting on the floor beside her bed about 4 feet away with his robe on and she was lying in bed naked under the covers. He immediately stood up and clutched his robe around him as if he was hiding something. I couldn't see. If he hadn't reacted that way, I would have thought that they were just chatting.
I basically went ballistic. I tore the covers off her (she was naked but - she always sleeps naked so nothing special there) and started screaming at them both to get out of the house. I then had a physical encounter with my DH in our bedroom across the hall during which I punched him in the eye (not proud of this). I was so upset and worried that I'd woken the kids that I went immediately to make sure they were asleep. They were all ok. I sat outside for two hours thinking my relationship was over. I went back upstairs to confront him but he was fast asleep in a stupor so I dragged the bedclothes off him and went to sleep in the living room.
The next morning, after he woke up freezing, he came into the living room to find me (he had the beginnings of a major shiner) all bewildered as to what had happened. When I told him, he pretty much almost threw up. I was crying hysterically (with a nose bleed too, - nice!) and he was full of remorse and practically sobbing saying that he couldn't believe he had done something like that. I know he doesn't fancy her so it's nothing like that. He says he has no idea how he came to be in her room. I think she called him into her room after he brushed his teeth and things went from there. I certainly don't believe that he went in there unbidden.
We stayed in the bedroom talking with him trying to reassure me. He went into her room and asked her to leave at about 6am but she was so hungover that she couldn't move and was totally passed out. We stayed in our room talking and she eventually did leopard crawl out of the house sometime later so we never saw her again.
I am playing this over and over in my mind. Nothing happened. But it could have happened. He is full of remorse and if anything, is more loving and caring than ever. I know he doesn't fancy her. He has agreed that she is never welcome in our lives again. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. He has also had to go to work with a black eye for which I am (mostly) sorry. She sent me a facebook message to say that she was sorry that a lovely weekend ended that way.
I have de-friended her.
I think I should just forget about but it's eating away at me.
You shouldn't have hit him, obviously. Saying that, I'm sure you did it as a knee-jerk reaction to finding something that surprising & you're not proud of it by the sounds of it.
Maybe it was just a stupidly drunk thing but what a feckin idiot.
I personally manage not to do stupid things like that even when very drunk (not that if happens often, I hate being that drunk) so I'd be inclined to think there was more to that than there seems. Even if there isn't. It looks bad. What an idiot.
Errrr.... all kinds of wrong in this post.
What do I think?
Well you found your DH in her room - stupid mistake - but then you totally over-reacted, HIT your partner, berated a guest and ran around like a mad thing.
What exactly did you think your DH was doing whilst he was 4 feet away from her bed?
I strongly suspect that your dh would have been in no position to do anything physical. I am sure it was just old mates having a conflab. If they were up to anything he would have been in the bed with her in their state.
^ he did seem to scramble to cover up though. That is a tad weird?
I mean, I get that being in her room was a massive surprise for you, and a very misjudged act on behalf of your DH.
But he was in his robe, sat on the floor, a good distance from her. Yet you acted like you found them mid shag!
Let's flip this - a man comes on to post that he found his wife in someone else's room talking to them from four feet away and he gave her a black eye because of it. Or more likely his wife posts that he did.
The advice would be unanimous. LTB.
Your husband did nothing wrong. You assaulted him, injured him and commits a criminal offence. I hope he is packing.
It's the OP's perception that he was scrabbling to cover up. I can see why the situation unsettled you, but he was four feet away...
I think I'm biased as I can totally see myself getting into this situation with a couple of my old drinking buddies, and I'd be mortified if their OHs thought it was something suspect rather than a boozed up conflab...but, I can see that in the cold light of day it's clearly behaviour that is going to make an OH uncomfortable.
Am leaning towards agreeing with Rhonda here.
If we flipped it, and had the wife on here saying
'I don't know what happened, I got a bit drunk and was chatting to my friend in our guest room when my husband burst in, went nuts and hit me'
I don't think there would be much sympathy for the husband!
She slept in the house with her door wide open on the first night. I thought that was weird (given she sleeps naked). Her bedroom door was firmly closed the night I found my DH in there with her. I agree, he was in no state apart from a fumble. If he hadn't acted all guilty and looked so startled, I would have sat down and joined the conversation. As it happened, they both looked guilty as fuck.
I am not proud of the black eye. It was assault. I lashed out and I guess I never knew I was even capable of that.
But what I'm saying here, is that the only thing that has really happened is your massive over-reaction.
Perhaps the 'guilty' impression you got was because they were mid-flow slagging someone off? Or perhaps just surprise at you being up and about? Or perhaps nothing, and just a massive over-reaction.
I can see how you'd feel uncomfortable about him being in her room, but surely if they're old friends and they weren't physically close to each other it was just a chat? It sounds like you over reacted - a lot.
Didn't anyone else think he was hiding an erection?
Obviously you shouldn't have hit him but I can understand why you thought something was going on. People don't guiltily jump for nothing. Why was she in bed naked when he was in the room? That's very disrespectful to you both.
I don't blame you for defriending her but would've liked to have heard her version of events first.
What ImperialBlether* said!
What a night!
And as Rhonda says, flip the genders around and MN would be howling for him to be thrown out, arrested, bankrupted, imprisoned, chemically castrated and made to lick the M6 clean.
If I was chatting to a friend and the door burst open and my wife came howling into the room I would probably jump to my feet. If I was wearing nothing under the robe then if clutch it shut partially so my friend in bed doesn't see anything and partially out of self defence (no man like to be tackle-out in a threatening situation)
It's possible he may have had an erection but he wasn't in bed, he was sat 4 feet away, and you attacked them both?
I'm with Rhonda on this.
It sounds like they were chatting and you bursting in gave him a fright. Jumping up and clutching your robe about you is the natural reaction to being taken by surprise.
Massive over reaction.
Hmm, it sounds like he was drunk and not thinking, but her sleeping naked with the door open, the calling him in and the door being shut while she's naked? I would be suspicious tat she was trying to make something happen, or just push things a little to see how he responded.
It sounds like you believe his reaction and that he would rather cut the friend off than upset you, so be reassured by that. You probably won't forget it in a hurry.
Fwiw, hitting him was wrong,but getting angry wasn't. The situation should make you angry, and hurt.
I think you over reacted massively.
He wasn't in bed with her, he was talking to her from four feet away.
Doesn't sound like he would have been in a fit state to raise a smile, never mind anything else.
You assaulted your partner in a drunken, jealous rage.
Tell yourself this story again but swap the genders.
I can't get my head around you having to put a 12 yr old to bed.
My 9 yr old can sort herself out and has been able to for years
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Fairyloo, I'm sure she meant stay home with the 12 year olds because they are ready for bed. Im sure she didnt physically have to out them to bed. You can't leave 12 year olds at home asleep whilst you go get shitfaced at the pub can you? Weird comment.
OP I probably wouldn't have hit my husband but I would be mighty pissed about what happened. It taints the trust, doesn't it?
Why was he naked/just wearing a robe?
You don't need to get naked to have a drunken chat with your mate. It sounds dodgy to me. Nothing justifies you hitting him but she wouldn't have sloped off quietly without saying goodbye if nothing was happening /about to happen
He needs to kick you out. Violence is completely unacceptable and any excuses you have are just victim blaming.
You should be utterly ashamed.
Anyone here who thinks otherwise is a hypocrite.
Join the discussion
Please login first.