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My husband is having an affair - now what?(52 Posts)
Have name changed.
I just found out that my husband of ten years is having an affair. It looks like its the end of our marriage. As well as the emotionally impact on me, I am being kept awake by the by financial implications of my future. Namely, how on earth do I, as a SAHM, manage to pay the mortgage and bills after a split?
I am so worried and would be grateful for some advice from those who have been through it.
Some background; I am a SAHM and have been since our children were born. DH works for a top rate salary. We are in a house that is in both our names, and the mortgage is too. I paid half the deposit , and some mortgage when I was working, although the house was always way more than my salary alone could afford. Now I am a SAHM, my DH pays the mortgage and bills.
If we split, I understand that I can stay in the house while my children are in education, but who would pay the mortgage? There's no way I can pay it on my own....I have no income. I will get a job, but my salary will be a quarter of my husband's and will still not be able to pay the mortgage, let alone food, clothing for children, utilities etc. Would my husband have to pay, even if he wasn't living there? Or would we have to sell the house? (50% of the equity would not pay for another house anywhere around here). Or is there another way that provides the house for the stay at home mother looking after the children?
I am sorry if this is lengthy. My head is all over the place. I would be very grateful for some help here.
I do think you have options.
Keep quiet, but find out what your prospects are, get legal advice. I am not legal but think you have to be wary of letting someone know you have made copies of anything financial on which your name does not appear. I would still want to keep track of any outgoings, any conspicuous spending, any disposal of assets. Start discreetly garnering rl support.
Confront him, give him an ultimatum, hope he listens and reforms, hope he doesn't carry on, either openly or by covering his tracks better.
Sit back do nothing, play nice, hope he doesn't greet you one day with "We're done, you're out, f-off". He may have one OW, he may get frightened off if she makes demands or gets pregnant, you'll be in the dark.
Whichever, I think if I were you I'd be very careful about ever sleeping with him again without using protection. Are you going to get yourself checked out for STIs?
WARNING: some out of touch judge has expressed huge concern at the 'underhand ways' spouses use to access the other's financial records. (Does he not understand power imbalance?).
So, if your H has not given you financial information freely and fairly, you cannot use that information. (yes, seriously).
He, of course, wouldl not lie on his Form E!
So try and engineer a financial sounding email so that the answer is 'yes, go ahead' so you can tell your lawyer there is no underhand copying. Because we were discussing our tax returns I could do it.
Does he know you know about the affair yet?
I thought that was it, Wellwobbly. Of course he would be open about finances, stocks and shares, endowment policies, pensions because he's such an honest trustworthy.... Oh, hang on a minute...
Cron - your post is so wrong on every level, but not surprising given your views about women
HE chose to destroy everything - HE is the one throwing everything away. Not Op. HE is the one breaking his vows.
Even if it was a few shags OP has the right to end the marriage. No one has to put up with cheating. She isn't like some women who sadly have such poor self esteem that they will put up and shut up.
How do you propose OP get the affair ended? She cannot make him - only HE can end the affair.
Thanks for your replies.
No, I have not confronted him yet.
It is not just a few shags, the emails go on and on about how much they love each other; this from a man who cannot say even a quick 'I love you' to me and hasn't done for well over a year. He is sending this stuff while is in the same room as me. He is acting like the classic cliched middle aged man having an affair with his secretary.
Realistically I think the marriage is probably over, because for months now I have been thinking that I actually dislike him these days a lot of the time. He makes me so cross inside...little things that he does or doesn't do make me so pissed off at him. The physical relationship is appalling (he refuses), we don't hug, cuddle, or do more than an occasionally kiss goodbye. If we spend more than a few hours together we snipe and bicker and snap at each other.
But the trouble is, I then worry so much about finances and money in the future, (will I have to move away, how will I live on no money, will he fight to get custody of the kids, what will everyone say) that I then start thinking that I can't say anything.
But then I come on MN and see that I need to be careful about arming myself with information, deciding what I want/need to do, and preparing myself emotionally before I confront him.
The trouble is, my head is all over the place. I am looking after the children full time (summer hols), but while I am doing so, all this stuff is whiz zing around in my head about different financial and emotionally aspects of all of this. It makes it difficult to find out what the most important stuff to do is.
Wellwobblys idea is a good one. Email him on some pretext noting all your assets in accounts.
I think I might copy first and send the email after!
You can't do it all in one go. Take it in small chunks set yourself a task a day. Arm yourself. You may not need to use it but give yourself a boost.
If H is distracted and happy he may be in a giving mood, why not put it to good use ask about a few days away for yourself and DCs? He's liable to leap at it. Then, stay with trusted loved ones, see if there's somewhere to live with a good school and possibility of employment in an area you'd have a support network. If ultimately you'd have to downsize you might as well go for a place you won't be isolated.
You need to get some good legal advice. I would copy everything (I did), but people are right in saying that you shouldn't. However, if he misses something off Form E at a later date, you will have the proof that he has "forgotten" it and it can be mentioned that you know that he has this pension, or life insurance or whatever.
My solicitor told me that judges see it as important that both parties have a roof over their head. Joint assets start at 50/50 and work from there depending on access, maintenance etc, so you could end up with say 70/30 split of the house.
If the house is bigger than you need, ie, 2 DC, require a 3 bed house and you have a 5 bed house, then you could be forced to sell as it is surplus to your needs.
Spousal maintenance is very rare nowadays, you would be expected to get a job and provide for yourself. Maintenance is as per CSA level, a set % of income, unless he agrees to pay more.
If the house is adequate, then he cannot force a sale until the youngest child is 18 and a charge for his share of it, will be put on the property.
Make a list and do one thing at a time.
Try and not think too much ahead.
Get real life support from family/friends.
If OW doesn't have DCs I may be wrong but I wouldn't rush to assume H will immediately leave you to live with his object of desire with your offspring in tow. Far more likely they'd be jetting off on holidays and enjoying romantic weekends away together.
I don't think you should feel ashamed or embarrassed by what people think. If one partner wants more or extras it doesn't signify the other is lacking.
then he cannot force a sale until the youngest child is 18 I am sorry but that is not correct. It is true that the needs of the children are paramount, but bOTH parents need accommodation where the children can stay. Therefore if there is equity in the marital home than needs to be released so that both parents can house the children, this is what a judge will order.
One option is that the mother and children stay in the FMH and the father has a % share when it is sold in the future
OP, you may be poorer after divorce ( I know I am) but your marriage sounds a very lonely place, so you are likely to be a lot happier; you will be providing a better role model for your children and you have lots of opportunities ahead of you.
Do copy the stuff, so you can 'remind' him of he leaves anything off the Form E. You don't even have to disclose to your lawyer that you have done so, but protect yourself and the DC...
obviously different solicitors give different advice, I am only repeating what mine told me 12 months ago, which was that the judge would not make me sell my 2 bed place as I could not get another 2 bed place in the same area for the same money and that as the house was not beyond my needs, then I would not be forced to sell it. He stressed that the judge does see it as important that both parties are housed, but that the children's needs are paramount.
If the equity in the house is not enough to provide deposits for the purchase of 2 new houses, then the children's need for a roof over their heads is seen as most important and therefore that is when they will not force a sale until the youngest child is 18.
This has happened with several of my friends, where the XH now lives with OW, or rents and the XW remains in the marital home, but knowing that it will have to be sold when her youngest reaches 18, unless of course she can remortgage and pay XH off by then.
OP - you really do need decent legal advice that is specific to your own circumstances.
You need to think about what you want.
At the moment you have gone into overdrive and want to sort the practical stuff.
But what about your marriage?
I'd suggest you decide if you are prepared to carry on if he is contrite and willing to accept blame and make a huge effort.
The only reason I say this is that my close friend reacted as you did, when her H had an affair, and got as far as sending her H a divorce petition. He refused to agree to the divorce as he wanted to try to save the marriage.
To cut a very long story short, it's on ice and after 18 months of couples counselling they are still together. Meanwhile it has cost her / them around £5K in legal bills for work done to date ( they have alot of assets and it's complicated.)
All I'm saying is don't rush in.
In some ways though you almost sound relieved that this has happened as it gives you an exit from something you weren't happy with anyway- is that right?
Missbopeep - Don't you think your friend's H came back exactly because she took control of the situation?
I have seen on here again and again how true it is that LOSS is the only thing that motivates cheaters - when reality hits them and they realise they are losing their home comforts and family life, they come back begging for forgiveness.
The begging and pleading for them to come back rarely works - the cheater is then rewarded for his shitty behaviour, they get to call the shots and lose respect for the betrayed party.
missbopeep I am so confused that sometimes I feel exactly like that and an hour later, I feel the opposite
I took from OP's intro that she was very much apprehensive about future security (who isn't?) but of course Fireplaces, weigh up what you can tolerate, how your DCs will be affected and what good or otherwise it does you AND your DCs to remain under the same roof where there is no longer love or respect between the two adults.
Mad- I don't know. They veered from him wanting a divorce and saying he felt unable to meet her needs, to her wanting a divorce then saying she didn't. My own feeling is that each decided against divorce because neither was willing to go through the upheaval, and were equally afraid of being alone in their late 50s.
I don't think your assumption really applies because they don't have DCs and they are multi millionaires so each would have had a good settlement.
OP in your shoes I'd be open with him and tell him you know. Then I'd ask him to leave the home so you have time and space to think.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, you must still be in shock.
How long have you had problems in your marriage? It maybe that your marriage can't be saved but please don't panic, you can't see solutions for the future yet but over time it will all become clear.If your H is a high earner its likely he will have sufficient income to support your housing needs until you are in a better financial position.
I would encourage you to talk to friends & family..there is no shame in this, you will need support as it must be so hard carrying this whilst trying to have a normal life for the children.
MissBo - Home comforts does not mean money. Your friends will have build up a life with friends, relatives, familiar/domestic stuff, habits, routines etc. Loneliness as a result of losing your spouse can be a powerful motivator.
OP - don't make any long term decisions as you will keep changing your mind. Just take time and space to think things through and process your feelings.
You need to consider the possibility that the problems in your marriage go back to when he met OW and the start of the affair. Many cheaters often become distant, withdraw from family life, pick petty arguments, be critical and so on.
They do this in order to create a gap and also to justify their cheating.
Mad- I don't really want to detail everything about my friend here as it feel disloyal and they may feel 'outed' if too much is said.
Some of what you say applies to their situation, but a lot of it doesn't, due to their circumstances which don't fit the usual living arrangements for couples. That's all I want to say on it.
My post was for the OP to suggest she doesn't rush into a divorce as feelings can change.
I think, no matter what the OP wants, she needs to get legal advice and sort the practicalities asap.
I don't know about affairs and what is normal but if the OPs husband goes on and on about how much he loves the OW, he might as well be planning to leave anyway. And then it would come as a shock to the OP, she'd be unprepared and the husband has already had the time to make financial plans to hide assets etc.
So I would proceed as follows: Think about whether you want to save the marriage or not but while doing this, prepare for divorce. When you are armed with information, confront husband, take control and see what he has to say. If you both want to save the marriage, you can still do so at this point. But at least there's a smaller chance you and your DC will be screwed over more than you already are.
And how long has the marriage been terrible? For the year and a half the schmooping and affair has been going on for?
Charbon talks about this: you can tell when the m starts deteriorating from the time he starts locking on to OW.
Get that book by Dr David Clark, then get legal advice (it does not mean you have to act on it), then get bloody furious and TELL THE WORLD. Rent out billboards if you have to.
It is incredible what shock does to luuuuuuuuuuurve.
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