Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
My husband is having an affair - now what?(52 Posts)
Have name changed.
I just found out that my husband of ten years is having an affair. It looks like its the end of our marriage. As well as the emotionally impact on me, I am being kept awake by the by financial implications of my future. Namely, how on earth do I, as a SAHM, manage to pay the mortgage and bills after a split?
I am so worried and would be grateful for some advice from those who have been through it.
Some background; I am a SAHM and have been since our children were born. DH works for a top rate salary. We are in a house that is in both our names, and the mortgage is too. I paid half the deposit , and some mortgage when I was working, although the house was always way more than my salary alone could afford. Now I am a SAHM, my DH pays the mortgage and bills.
If we split, I understand that I can stay in the house while my children are in education, but who would pay the mortgage? There's no way I can pay it on my own....I have no income. I will get a job, but my salary will be a quarter of my husband's and will still not be able to pay the mortgage, let alone food, clothing for children, utilities etc. Would my husband have to pay, even if he wasn't living there? Or would we have to sell the house? (50% of the equity would not pay for another house anywhere around here). Or is there another way that provides the house for the stay at home mother looking after the children?
I am sorry if this is lengthy. My head is all over the place. I would be very grateful for some help here.
I'm sorry you've had a nasty shock and I know what you mean about being kept awake worrying. My best suggestions are that you get as much real life support from friends and family as you can, take a little time to think and then get some proper legal advice. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation where you can get a lot of the answers to your questions.
Regarding houses it varies from couple to couple. If he's prepared to keep financing the mortgage until the children are grown, that might be something you agree between you. If he wants to set up fresh and can't afford to run two places you may have to sell, split the equity and go that route. It really all depends on the sums involved and how cooperative everyone is prepared to be.
Is it really up to him whether she gets to stay in the house or not? .
I'm so sorry. What a shitty situation to be in. You've had a hell of a shock. You must feel very scared. I'm about to go through my 2nd divorce (I must be a dreadful judge of character!) So I know a little bit about it.
Firstly, all your assets are now 'marital assets' ie they belong to you both, regardless of who paid what. Secondly, the priority in a divorce is to ensure any children are properly provided for. As you are their main carer, that means you will be prioritised in terms of providing housing etc. Your husband will just have to get to the back of the queue. As you are currently not working, a settlement may well require your husband to continue to house you and the children until the youngest is 18. This may be in your current house; it may mean you need to downscale a bit. If that is the case, your husband might be given a "charge" on the house. In other words, he will be awarded a share of it but he will have to wait until your children are 18 until the house is sold and he gets his share.
Lots of solicitors give free first consultations. It's well worth going to talk to a few so you can have the reassurance of hearing the likely scenarios from the mouths of experts. Please try not to be too scared - whatever happens the needs of your children will come first and a court will not make them (and therefore you) homeless.
Hope that helps a tiny bit.
It's not his decision exactly. The legal starting point is a 50/50 share of any marital assets, including the family home if applicable. Some couples agree that the children shouldn't be disrupted and if one partner earns enough they might keep paying the mortgage, offsetting that extra cost against a bigger share of the proceeds when the property is eventually sold, for example. But if the higher-earning partner can't afford a reasonable standard of living for themselves and to fund the mortgage on the former family home at the same time, then there is often no realistic way to avoid selling up.
Do you have evidence of his disloyalty so that you can divorce him rather than vice versa. You need to get a free initial session really.
Does your husband know you want to divorce him? Can you get advice etc before anything changes?
Do you have any friends or family who specialise in family law?
I hope someone comes along soon who has good advice.
So sorry for you.
My only piece of advice would be to collect together paper work - bank statements, payslips, mortgage info etc, and go get some professional advice. Maybe from CAB.
Thanks for your replies.
I have suspected for a couple of weeks but finding proof has been a sickening blow.
Realistically we have been nothing more than companions for ages, but I still believed in my marriage vows.
Do you have any advice with regards to paperwork. Should I be photocopying proof of income / pensions etc before it is removed from my reach?
Probably a good idea to get photocopies of bank statements etc. If it were me, I wouldn't be saying anything at all to husband. Make sure he can't read this. Let him think everything is normal until you are ready to take action. If necessary lie and make up a reason to withdraw cash and pay for some advice.
Never been through this myself, but I would be inclined to be photocopying anything like that.
Get a lawyer. Get a good lawyer. do NOT rely on him saying he will be 'fair' ; 'look after the children' etc etc
If its over, then do it properly; make sure not only your current, but also your future needs are assessed and adequately/evenly/fairly met.
I say this as a higher earning woman who ended up paying her ExH to divorce (alot) ... It may be seen as antagonistic, but its better than being 'dependent' on his good will.
Photocopy everything - any savings statements, pay slips, pensions estimates - the lot.
the starting point is 50/50 in a medium/long marriage. The needs of the children are priority. If they are to reside with both of you - even EOW with your H, he will need adequate accommodation - and if he cannot afford that as well as supporting the former marital home, you may both need to downsize. You do not say how long you have been a SAHM - he may need to provide spousal support for a limited time while you prepare to earn your own living, This is unlikely to be for more than 2 -3 year unless your children are very young. He will retain responsibility for supporting his children.
Get good advice. Fight your corner. Do NOT lie down and think it doesn't matter
You poor thing, I've been there and know that sickening feeling.
Do what I didn't do, right now - get evidence of his earnings, bank statements, mortgage statements, payslips, pension statements, all the financial stuff for the last year if possible. Photocopy them, and hide them round a friend's house. That way, he won't be able to do what my sneaky shit of an exH did and hide half his income, thereby ensuring he only has to pay the bare minimum towards the upbringing of our 3 DCs.
My ex had run up so much debt against the house that we couldn't afford to sell it, so I stayed here and we pay half the mortgage each. When our youngest is 18, I have to sell the house and the equity will be split 75% to me and 25% to him. My solicitor said this was fairly standard as the DC reside with me. CAB should be able to advise you before you see a solicitor, although as your H was unfaithful he might agree to pay your costs, which mine did (the least he could do...!! Actually, he was glad to be shot of the marriage and the burden he imagined we all were, the twat).
It's been a struggle but life is so wonderful without lies in it. xx
lemonstartree I have been a SAHM for six years and my youngest is five years old; do you know whether it is likely DH may have to pay spousal support? (And what sort of value : is it usually enough to pay the mortgage and utilities for example?)
I think it's likely you would have spousal support for a period of time. A friend of mine had been married 24 years, they had no children and she didn't work ( though had at one time when first married.) Her DH was a very high earner. Her lawyer told her she could expect maintenance for around 2 years whilst she re-trained or found a job.
In your case, if the mortgage is huge and the equity is low, then I'd think you would need to sell up because your ex would not be able to provide for 2 homes. They decide on NEED- so if you are now in a 4 bed house but only need 3 beds then you might have to sell and divide assets and your XH would need somewhere big enough for the DCs to visit- so 3 beds or 2 plus sofa bed if they are boy/girl.
Hello there, I am sorry for your troubles
have a look at this excellent surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html that will help answer some practical questions for you x
Why does this have to be the end of your marriage, selling the house, disrupting the kids, living apart for the rest of your lives, leaving the man you married....?
Get the affair ended, get him to understand how close he came to losing you all, get it all out in the open, then get on with your lives.
A marriage can survive a stupid, pathetic little affair.
You've been together years, got married, made life changing decisions, had kids, raising kids, and he's had a few shags - so what?
Yes, yes, he lied / deceived you etc etc, Horrible, I'm sure, but ffs, you do not have to destroy EVERYTHING you've done together because of this.
I agree with cron. Do think it through very carefully. Marriages can be rebuilt. But don't let on that you know anything till you have a back up plan.
I'm with cronullansw.
I wonder if you have been considering divorce for sometime?
I'm with Cron too. You have more history together with him than the new person, there are the children too. in 90% of the cases straying husbands come back to the wife, so... Wish for the best, plan for the worst, but don't give up on your marriage yet.
As for staying in the house until the children are 18... Not necessarily, it depends on what assets you have and your salaries. If there are not enough resources to fund a place for him and keeping the marital house, you may be asked to sell. Having said that, if his salary is much higher and you have the children most of the time you will get a considerably bigger chunk of the equity than him. But you might need to fight for it
Do you really want to stay married to a man you're more like a companion to while he's off knocking boots elsewhere?
I have replied on the legal thread, but on the relationship side. It is all very well suggesting to try to stay together, but both of you have to want it and both of you have to want to work really hard to fix it. Please don't allow him to do want my ExH did pay lip service to wanting to try, but still actually see OW. He maintains that he wanted to save our marriage, but I didn't. I wish I had just made a clean cut when I was in your situation, but instead had months of awfulness.
that would be him that destroyed the marriage, not you
Do not take any blame for his weakness and deceit
If a few shags with another woman is your deal breaker, then so be it
You do not have to swallow such shabby treatment...this is not the 1950.s where women put up and shut up to keep the family together
He destroyed his family for a cheap shag...if your respect for him has gone, it is gone
The important thing is to find some silence around yourself and ask yourself the question "what do I want to happen?"
The answer may surprise you, you may find the energy to work for this marriage or see this as the oportunity to break free. The only thing that I can tell you is that if you decide to leave him is that things will change, but that doesn't mean that your life will be worse.
Many years ago, a friend who have been hearing me complaining about my husband for ages said "Chandras, how would you feel if someone told you he is having an affair?" And with that question I knew my marriage was over, he was not having an affair but the first thought that came to my head was "great! At least he will leave me alone for a while."
I cannot say that my life is easier now, quite the oposite, but believe me I have been much happier ever since. Being married to someone you no longer love, no matter how well you get along, is soul destroying.
I'm sure, but ffs, you do not have to destroy EVERYTHING you've done together because of this.
Are you fucking serious cron? HE destroyed the marriage.
Why make the OP feel as if she has to do anything but take care of the children and herself right now?
A few shags? how insensitive are you?
OP - take care of yourself and your children right now, be kind to yourself and read up on your rights AF posted an excellent link. If you choose in your own good time to work on your marriage, the changes have to come from him, he gave himself permission to cheat and therefore needs to identify what entitled him to do that and change that behaviour but it is not your fault and you cant change anyone but yourself. Take care x
Why have you become companions?
Is he a workaholic (ie emotionally unavailable anyway)?
The best book on how to handle an affair (and I have read lots) is 'I don't love you any more' by Dr David Clarke. It is Christian but just keep in mind that Christianity is the distillation of 1000s of years of human experience, and you can see the truth of what he says quite easily.
What he says is: the affair is 100% your husband's fault and it is HIS SIN.
Get good and ANGRY
Shout it from the roof tops and get your friends round you.
Use that anger to propel you in what to do that is best for you.
I made a huge mistake. I kept silent, and tried to fix things. The message my H got was that he had got away with it, and his disrespect increased.
It is a good book.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.