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So tired of being bullied even as the divorce goes through

(92 Posts)
MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:35:04

I'm just exhausted with it all.

Was married to a controlling EA man - I didn't realise it for years, obviously. Discovered MN and left after 15 years. That was 2 years ago. It was very difficult, but I found a new home for me and the DC, and foolishly trusted him when he said he would sort the money side of things out. I was relying on this money appearing quite quickly.

2 years on, I have a court date on Friday, as there was no other way of getting my share of the equity and fair maintenance. Now he is trying to bully me, with phone calls and emails, into taking a smaller settlement than my solicitor says I should get. I'm being called names again and am just sat here feeling totally beaten. I'm tired. I've been struggling to make ends meet for 2 years, worrying every day if I can pay the rent this month. I get benefits, but I won't when settlement happens. He's reported me to benefit people even though I have nothing, he messes about with maintenance money most months, always pays, but likes to make me beg I think.

I'm just so tired. I want it over. If I give in, accept less (I'll have no pension share, for example, and about £15k less in settlement, but it will be enough to cover all the things I planned for) it's over, I don't have to go to court, don't have to see him. But he wins on the bullying again.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just needed to get it out.

Youhaventseenme Tue 30-Jul-13 17:40:47

Grow a pair, you have done really well to get this far.

He knows that this is his last chance to control you and he is milking it for every penny. (Pardon the pun)

Walkacrossthesand Tue 30-Jul-13 17:47:16

Please don't give in - dig deep and find those last reserves of strength. You have a solicitor fighting your corner, it's their job to deflect all these attempts to bully you into submission. Does the solicitor know your STBX is harassing you like this? If not, tell them! It's for the court to decide what's fair and right, not your ex. Hang in there, you're almost through.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:47:21

This is the case. My solicitor agrees, but she's gone home now.

I've unplugged the phone, so no more calls.

I just need to not feel like the 'money grabbing bitch' he just told me I am. I'm not asking for anything mad or unfair, just the bog standard split, but it sounds like a huge amount because we were quite well off. We weren't when we married, so throwing these number around is all a bit shocking. Coupled with the fact I only actually found out what there really was in January. God, it's knackering.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:48:14

I've forwarded messages to her, but she works office hours.

I guess that's why I came on here for a kick up the arse

Ezio Tue 30-Jul-13 17:50:42

You not a money grabbing bitch, your the one raising his kids on little money, so stand up and get what you and your kids need and deserve.

Fuck him and horse he rode in on.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 30-Jul-13 17:50:47

Remember also that the 'big numbers' have to last a long time - 15k and part of the pension is your share, don't let him bully you out of it - you're not being a money-grabbing bitch, you're standing up for what's yours. He doesn't like it, and his reaction is (a) to be expected, and (b) part and parcel of the reason why the marriage is over.

3littlefrogs Tue 30-Jul-13 17:51:09

I really, really hope that you have saved and copied all of this to produce in court.

Hang in there - it is almost over.

As others have said, he is upping the ante now because he knows he is in the wrong.

Don't accept any calls, then he will have to text or email and you will be able to save them all.

BerkshireMum Tue 30-Jul-13 17:55:10

Hang on in there. You're not a money grabbing bitch. He's a selfish, heartless bully forcing you to rely on benefits when he can afford to provide for his children. You are doing an amazing job and are dead right to have taken the help to hang on to this stage. This is his last hurrah before Friday. Don't give in.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:56:20

Yes, I've saved everything and forwarded it, and yes, I'm retraining in the NHS and this money has to get me through that, while providing for the DC.

I just really thought this was nearly over, and it's so horrible. And he makes the good point that in going to court it may well cost me the extra 15k I get.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:56:49

So am I just doing it to prove a point? Does that make me as petty as him?

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:00:53

And does it matter if he wins this last one, if it is then over, and I can finally breathe out?

3littlefrogs Tue 30-Jul-13 18:00:59

No - because this is for the long term. Until your Dc are 18.

3littlefrogs Tue 30-Jul-13 18:01:57

X posts.

Even if there are some costs in the short term, you need to think about the long term.

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 18:01:58

The thing is, you have to stand up to him. That alone is worth any amount of money.

Ignore him and if you have to speak to him, say he should go through your solicitor.

You are nearly free. Don't fall at the last hurdle! This is his last ditch attempt, don't forget. Have a quiet evening in with no phones on, no email checking, nothing.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:03:25

That not one of you has said to just cave in for an easy life is really heartening, thank you. I feel very alone in this. And I know he must be slagging me relentlessly to everyone he knows. I hate that, because I'm not a bad person, I'm just trying my best to get it right, and I can't seem to win.

catsmother Tue 30-Jul-13 18:08:32

OP - IMO, when someone "slags off" their ex "relentlessly" I personally take it with a pinch of salt and wonder what the real story might be. Yes, we've all moaned about exes in our time and that's natural when you split and if you feel hard done by - but those who are still at it like a stuck record years down the line are often "protesting too much" IYKWIM. I bet his so-called friends in any case are either EA like him (and therefore wankers) or can see through him anyway .......

Overtheraenbow Tue 30-Jul-13 18:09:08

I would suggest you keep your phone switched off, don't look at any emails and take the kids out somewhere tonight and all say tomorrow if possible.

Just do not engage with him AT ALL!! I have had to do the se with my ex at times. Once I blocked his email to stop the relentless barrage of emails and he sent it to one I'd even forgotten about!

Keep busy and ignore, you are almost there. The judge will award what is fair , he is worried about this. My EA ex called me a money grabbing butch too, it's when they see they can no longer control this area of their lives . Well now the money grabbing bitch is free of him ( well almost) he's so much happier not!

Fairiesandvampires Tue 30-Jul-13 18:10:18

Isn't it amusing that men all seem to use the same tactics when it comes to money and them being in the wrong, bullying and abuse because its the only way they think they can get their way. Perhaps if they listened in the first place the mess that follows could be avoided. Stick to your guns, you are out and at the final hurdle, well done

garlicagain Tue 30-Jul-13 18:11:16

Just want to send you some flowers I really understand your feelings. I gave in to mine. I just didn't have any more strength, but the whole of the rest of my life has been damaged because of it. I didn't have MN then! You have!!

Eat chocolate, lean on Mumsnet, keep strength and WIN grin [pompoms]

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jul-13 18:12:42

That's the whole point of the judge, isn't it? If your ex was a fair man, you wouldn't need to go to court. He's proving he's not a fair man now by offering you a substandard deal.

Your solicitor should phone his solicitor tomorrow morning and his solicitor should phone him to tell him to stop calling you.

If he comes to the house, don't let him in. If necessary, call the police. I know it's not nice for your children, but it's absolutely vital you stand up to him.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:16:44

Thank you so much

Thing is, if he's not been so difficult about it all, I wouldn't have even seen a solicitor, and would have accepted so much less last year, and been free of it all.

It's all so horrible. Thank you for letting me have a space to moan self indulgently blush

Sorry for your situation garlic (you don't know me in this name but we have spoken on other threads smile).

I may go and get some wine to keep me company, the DC are with their grandparents...

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:17:56

I don't think he'll come to the house. We live some distance apart. But I would never let him in, don't worry.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 30-Jul-13 18:34:29

Well, it would have cost him a whole load less if you didn't have to go to court as well, wouldn't it? So he's shooting himself in the foot even while he's pointing the gun at you. He's got loads of money but he's trying to stop you using it to raise his children decently. A man like that totally doesn't deserve to get his own way. Hopefully the judge will agree.

Remember, whatever the unspeakable ex calls you, it's just words. Just because he says a thing doesn't make it true. The reverse if anything, because he is a lying, bullying toad.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:43:02

he is a lying, bullying toad.

YES. I have to stop having conversations with him in my head where I calmly explain about fairness and my future.

I've obviously stopped doing that in real life, as absolutely no point (I've not answered any of the messages, and when he called ranting earlier I put the phone down on the side and walked into the garden until it did the beeping thing). Let alone the fact I could never get a whole sentence out without interruption, and I would dissolve in angry tears within 5 minutes of that. But my brain hasn't quite caught up with that still. It just keeps running over reasonable answers to the nastiness.

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