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I have done a terrible thing

(28 Posts)
Inapickle123 Tue 30-Jul-13 11:38:15

I am completely and totally consumed by a mistake I've made and I'm so frightened that I'm about to lose everything.

Its quite a long story so bear with me.

I've been with my husband since we were 21 (9 years) and married for 3. We went through a really bad patch earlier this year when we were told we definitely couldn't have children due to health issues (me, not him)

To be honest, I fell apart. This had always been on the cards (I've been unwell for years and had numerous ops to alleviate pain etc.) and I'd always been told that it would be "difficult" but not impossible. So, to change to "impossible" just threw me. My husband-the eternal optimist-wouldn't talk about it and I just felt like such a failure. The one thing he has always wanted to be is a dad and, knowing I couldn't give that to him just sent me on a downward spiral. In my head, he would be with me out of duty (because he couldn't leave his barren wife without looking like a heartless sod) but , eventually, he would meet a nice, beautiful, young...fertile girl and leave me. Old and alone.

We stopped speaking. We'd literally come in from work, do the polite "how was your day" and that was it for the evening. I felt so sad and alone.

Meanwhile, a colleague told me that he had feelings for me. We'd always been close and a little flirty but I didn't realise that he felt that way. So I started having an emotional affair. There was NEVER anything physical but we got on so well. It was uncomplicated and there was just a lot of talk. He wanted me to leave my husband. I told him that I wasn't ready to do that-I needed time to think about what I needed and wanted. After a few months of texting and chat, he decided he didn't want to wait on a "maybe" and I totally respected that. I was actually really relieved; I knew I was giving this "relationship" my attention when it should be going on rebuilding my marriage. I threw myself into being with my husband and realised that this is where I was supposed to be. I'd been running away from my problems and "grass is greenering" and my husband is an inherently good man. We may not be setting the world alight in terms of love, but I know ill never find someone who gets me the way he does. I'm very lucky to have him in my life and certainly don't deserve him after the way I've behaved.

About a month ago, I got very unwell and was sent for tests at hospital. It was a scary time and even more so when the consultant called us in and told us that we were pregnant. Im high risk and need to be monitored weekly. Shocked doesnt even cover how we felt. Obviously, we are delighted but my happiness is tinged by the fact that I will soon (I'm pretty far along) have to tell work and, with that, my colleague. I have no idea how he will react and I'm petrified he's going to go down the bitter/evil route. He can be very harsh (he's was horrible to me following his decision to cut contact-excluding/cutting comments/being rude etc.) and I'm terrified he'll go ballistic and find a way to tell my colleagues and husband about our "affair". It's what I deserve-I've done something I never thought I was capable of and deserve to be held accountable for it-but the thought of losing my husband when we've finally got what we wanted.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell the colleague before the rest of my work? Should I bite the bullet and tell my husband? I've wanted to but just to get rid of my guilt. I'm not sure that's fair.

Please, please don't judge me-I'm doing enough of that myself. I don't know what to do and feel sick with worry all the time.

Crinkle77 Tue 30-Jul-13 15:21:43

You haven't done anything to feel guilty about as you didn't do anything. You leaned on someone other than your husband too heavily but you realised that you needed to rebuild your marriage. Nothing physical happened so give your self a break.

TippiShagpile Tue 30-Jul-13 15:22:07

Don't tell him first. If you do he'll think he's got some power over you or that you still have feelings for him.

Treat him just as you would any other colleague and look forward to your maternity leave away from him.

Good luck with your pregnancy. smile

Chubfuddler Tue 30-Jul-13 15:29:43

What they all said. And if he makes any threat to speak to your husband, report him to HR for harassment.

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