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Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

(157 Posts)
onwardandupwards Tue 30-Jul-13 03:17:24

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

giraffesCantWearSuncream Tue 30-Jul-13 06:57:17

Bloody hell. Yes I would want to know who knows and what they know!.

takeaway2 Tue 30-Jul-13 07:02:15

Oh I'm not justifying this! Just sharing what I know. I did query why didn't they divorce given that they'd been apart for so long and even had another child etc but didn't get an answer!

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 07:06:48

It's the shared social circle that would make me shock! It's like you lose your partner AND your mates.

Hissy Tue 30-Jul-13 07:20:44

You poor. Poor thing.

You know you are worth more than this.

The ONLY chance you have of him stepping up is to refuse to allow him to carry on.

This has to be a deal breaker.

You know he can divorce her, he knows, his family knows.

Settle for nothing less.

HOWEVER...

He is a liar.

His entire family are liars.

That for me would be enough. I'd not be able to associate with them again.

Stay strong, you have done nothing wrong. Going back to him however would be.

You have more power than you realise. You have the power of dignity and being right.

IceNoSlice Tue 30-Jul-13 07:30:54

This sounds very odd. Married but he lives with his parents? Who happily have his gf (ie you) over to stay? There is something here that you don't have the full story on.

I'd meet up with his mum. On neutral territory (not her house) and without him there. Tell her you are very upset and need to know the whole truth.

CinnabarRed Tue 30-Jul-13 07:34:27

Also bear in mind that he didn't come clean about all this unforced - presumably if you hadn't called his work (to do something lovely for him) the you would still be in blissful ignorance. He hasn't taken responsibility for his deception yet.

Jinsei Tue 30-Jul-13 07:40:40

How odd. confused Can't understand why his family and friends would all join in the deceit. I think I'd want to talk to his mum, if only to ask for an explanation...although she has lied before and may therefore lie again. You poor thing. sad

lougle Tue 30-Jul-13 07:49:32

Poor you sad I hope you can get some honesty now.

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 30-Jul-13 07:51:08

His family probably assume he is divorced by now. Same as the friends. He sees the wife once a fortnight - did you not ask where he went every fortnight. They probably are just friends now after all this time.

I agree the lying is an issue but I don't think it erases the last five yrs.

Was the holiday that he has booked for you and children or was he arranging childcare for your kids.

I think you need to talk to him and get the full story. I don't think it is the end if there were no other issues.

thistlelicker Tue 30-Jul-13 07:57:17

Also think you need to talk to him, find out why he was never honest, agree with pp who suggested that perhaps family think they already divorced, if they knew it was a massive gamble by everyone!!! Speak to him mum ask her what she knows about wifey! Yes he liedhmm but be loaded with answers before u decide

venusandmars Tue 30-Jul-13 08:07:51

I know someone who was married to a Catholic man. When they split up, he accepted that their relationship was over, they had financial separation etc. But for him the concept of divorce was terrible and impossible.

My friend accepted that for about ten years and they remained 'married'.

All friends and family assumed they were divorced - it's not the kind of detail you quiz someone about.

But when my friend met a new partner and was in a serious relationship, she did tell him (though not for a while), and eventually she divorced her exh.

ExcuseTypos Tue 30-Jul-13 08:11:26

I can't see his parents and all his friends knowing he's still married. You need info before you jump to conclusions about the, I reckon they will be as shocked as you.

However the seeing his wife every 2 weeks is very weird and dishonest.

Vivacia Tue 30-Jul-13 08:15:38

I don't think the "still married to ex" is the problem. I think the "not telling and still seeing her often" is.

ArkadyRose Tue 30-Jul-13 08:23:38

You don't need to wait 5 years in the UK or Australia - only 2 years to divorce without spousal consent. My DP left it until 3 years simply because his ex was a drama whore but eventually decided he'd rather cut her out of his life completely than let fear of her tantrum dictate his life anymore. Maybe your partner just isn't quite at that point but with some serious discussion and support he could be. Talk to his mum - as others have said, it could well be that everyone assumed he WAS divorced, and now the truth's out they'll all be nagging him to stop messing about and divorce her. Is money an issue? Lawyers aren't cheap; doing it yourself costs about £400 in court fees. Maybe that's a factor?

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 08:27:22

No- it's 5 years.
You can divorce after 2 years separation ( a kind of 'no fault' divorce) if both parties consent but if one doesn't then you have to wait 5 years.

HollyBerryBush Tue 30-Jul-13 08:27:58

So he's legally married to someone he no longer lives with? Who doesnt mix socially with him? And his parents and social circle presumably know all this?

So. The usual bar to divorce is either religion (is she catholic) or finances (is one of them loaded?) One of them cant make the break for whatever reason.

DH was married before, apart 2 years before he met me. He (and she) were quite happy with the status quo of being married but not together. I think she thought she could snap her fingers and he'd go back to her once she'd finished laying the field. He rather liked the get out clause, it stopped other women getting serious. I pointed out if he dropped dead she would inherit everything. Amazing that, he was into the solicitor first thing on the Monday morning. grin So no pressure from me at all to divorce her grin.

With regard to long separations - again DHs mate has been separated for 15 odd years - neither will take the final plunge and get a divorce - he's terrified she will take him to the cleaners. I have no idea why she wont divorce, just enjoys pulling his strings I think. If you weren't in the 'inner circle' you would assume they were long divorced as each has a new partner (which the other cant know about because it causes problems).

However, as much as I would always advocate caution and moving slowly when introducing new partners into the mix with children, you don't live together after 5 years and are considering having a child? I find that odd.

newbiefrugalgal Tue 30-Jul-13 08:28:21

People act so strangely.
Does she know about you OP?

SoupDragon Tue 30-Jul-13 08:30:48

He is a lying wanker and, much as it hurts, you are well shot of him.

Cabrinha Tue 30-Jul-13 08:32:00

Why is everyone saying talk to his mum? What is he, 12? Talk to HIM.
As others have said, the fact he was seeing her is as big an issue as the being married.
I have 2 female friends who are still married, and with both it came out at the same time, over drinks, chatting about ex's, "actually I'm still legally married" "omg!" "Um, me too!"
The point is, it wasn't a secret. It didn't come up within minutes of meeting, but it did come up.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:40:54

This is really, really odd. On the one hand he sounds like a bullshitter but how on earth have you met his parents and all his friends without any of this being mentioned? confused If they had agreed to live separate lives (and it sounds like they have) but just not divorce for whatever reason, that would make more sense but why not just be open about that? confused Loads of people do that - no shame in it.

And it's not as if they have agreed to appear married, or stay legally married for the children's sake, so I am utterly bewildered by what his MO could possibly be. Perhaps she is extremely rich and very needy and she has promised him that if he just stays with her (even in part) then she'll leave him all her money - especially if she is much older, and possibly not healthy?

Obviously he could have divorced her - he doesn't need to stay married if he doesn't want to, and with no children to worry about I can't see that he'd even feel morally or emotionally blackmailed into it. So I can only assume that it's a cynical financial thing.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Jul-13 08:43:23

And the fact that he's booked a week off work sort of implies that he does still spend some 'quality time' with her. You really need to sit him down and demand to know WTF has been going on. You say he sees her once a fortnight and that he lives with his parents. how often do you see him, and how much does he stay at your house? After five years I would have expected him to have moved in by now.

Mixxy Tue 30-Jul-13 08:44:40

He lives with his parents? How hot is that?

500internalerror Tue 30-Jul-13 08:45:22

Maybe he's scared of hurting her? She might have all sorts of 'issues' iyswim. He clearly isn't with her - lives at parents, doesn't have same social circle etc - so I personally wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Like others have said, it's the dishonesty that's the real problem here - but I remember she making up a huge convoluted story years ago, to avoid telling me something. He thought I'd go mad if I found out, but as it happens it wouldn't have bothered me at all - but the fairy take did.

500internalerror Tue 30-Jul-13 08:45:58

Dh - not she!!

500internalerror Tue 30-Jul-13 08:47:41

The other thought is - are you absolutely certain they don't have kids?

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