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Need your opinion on this - may seem petty

(60 Posts)
feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 20:11:52

Hi all

Without giving you the background to my relationship with h, I need (if possible smile) your opinion on what he said to me this evening.

I was at home all day with our 3 kids - he was out working doing a physical job so he comes home knackered.

Shortly after coming home - he had had a shower and was about to eat his dinner, he got up again to get something from the cupboard in the kitchen. In the process (after he had got what he needed) he half tripped over the open dishwasher (which I had left open as I was emptying it - but he must have seen it was open as he made his way to the cupboard). He hurt his foot which is already sore and remained bent over for a while (he did not fall over but somehow stumbled - I didn't see how it happened). He then stood up and said to me - coldly - that unless I kept the dishwasher shut in future, he would unplug it and I would have to do the washing up by hand - that he "didn't have to put up with this".

What is your reaction to this? Maybe I am overreacting but I am angry and sad (though I recognise that tripping over the dishwasher is irritating).

Many thanks smile.

Bant Sat 03-Aug-13 01:31:29

Sorry I feel I should butt in here. You are not 'legally entitled to half of everything he has'.

If it comes to a judges decision, the judge may give you everything or nothing as they see fit. Generally they would prefer to see an amicable settlement. If the husband can justify why some things are required for him to continue work to provide for the children, or that they belonged to him before the relationship (which seems to be the case here) then the judge may grant a significant financial benefit to the husband. Is it really fair that a man works and saves and buys a big house, meets a woman who then 4 or so years later is granted half the house without taking anything else into consideration?

The judge will consider the best situation for the children, generally, but 'you have half of everything' is such a huge overgeneralisation that it's breathtaking in it's naivete.

Sweeping statements like this are a bit ridiculous to encourage a woman to leave her husband. She should seek legal advice from someone with access to all the relevant information, not feel satisfied with random comments from people on a web discussion forum.

themidwife Sat 03-Aug-13 00:12:17

Temporarily! Have made a couple of mistakes since then! Independent now though!

BerylStreep Thu 01-Aug-13 20:37:41

Midwife smile I bet you are a million times happier! Well done!

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 18:14:08

That sounds good advice Beryl. I did the same between 1999-2000. It took 18 months but after careful planning I left with 2 DCs & moved 150 miles away from an abusive man. It was much better to plan than panic & run.

BerylStreep Wed 31-Jul-13 17:43:36

when I have mentioned splitting up in the past he has simply said "fuck off then"…. Charming hmm

You mentioned you have been to joint counselling together - maybe it is better for you to go to individual counselling, and start breaking that insurmountable task of leaving him into bite sized achievable pieces.

If you make a plan so that say, in a year's time you want to be living apart, what do you need to do to achieve that? For example:

1. Find a solicitor

2. Get legal advice on what you are legally entitled to, and what process would be involved in splitting up, including likely costs and timescales.

3. Discreetly gather up information on all assets and make copies - mortgage, approx value of house (look at others online), savings, his income, work pension, ISAs, PEPs, other investments.

4. Find out what benefits or other money you would be entitled to. There are online calculators.

5. Keep plugging away on the job front.

6. Confide in someone in RL.

7. Maintain a (secret) diary of incidents and how they make you feel.

It looks like a lot written down, but if you promise yourself that you will do / start one of these a month, then you are better prepared and informed than you are now. None of the steps I have outlined above commit you to anything - you are just finding out the lay of the land.

Above all, promise yourself that you will not still be in this situation by this time next year.

PS - I am sorry for bringing up all the other threads - hope it won't make you NC.

Allycat Wed 31-Jul-13 09:24:11

You are legally entitled to half of everything he has. Marriage supersedes any previous arrangement unless he made you sign a prenuptial agreement.

feelokaboutit Wed 31-Jul-13 09:13:25

Have also worked out that I have now lived longer in my current location with h than I have lived anywhere at any time in my life, and I really would like to try pastures new!!! Dc happy at their school though so.....

feelokaboutit Wed 31-Jul-13 09:11:06

Yes there are times when I am very down and annoyed. Other times when things feel better and I don't post. Generally I don't think h and I really want to be with each other. I would if only he would really talk but he is obviously never going to do that.

Am thinking of a way in which I can make a better life for myself - starting off within the "confines" of my "relationship", and then moving on to possibly living separate lives at some point. On the other hand, it could be that once some of my stuff is in place (like having work blush), I will feel much less dependent and therefore much happier. At the moment I keep on waiting for him (or anybody!!) to magically come in and sort things out for me, but that's never going to happen...

Am becoming a bit obsessive about this whole who owns the house business though, or what I perceive h's thoughts to be on this.....

Sometimes feel like suggesting that we sell the house and split the equity - in some ways this would also liberate h as he could pay off the mortgage and would probably be a lot happier without me, but getting from there to here is a monumental task as when I have mentioned splitting up in the past he has simply said "fuck off then"....

At other times things are better for a bit and then I feel much happier because I would rather things worked out between us and our dc lived with both their parents at the same time.

If it was just me I would be on the other side of the world by now!!!

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 07:32:02

I've just read all 23 thread titles honey. This can't go on. This is emotional abuse. I know you worry about the house & money but you must leave (he never will). You will get your share through the courts eventually but no amount of money or property is worth this. Do this for your kids if no one else. They are growing up to believe this is how to treat people they "love". I know it's hard to face up to the "failure" of a marriage but I think 24 separate threads describing an abusive relationship is pretty overwhelming evidence isn't it?

AnyFucker Wed 31-Jul-13 00:02:36

23 ?

fuck me

so you are never going to "feel ok about it" are you ?

accept things as they are, or do something about it

a stark choice, but best to make it I believe

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 23:46:30

Apologies for bringing up previous threads - I know it is bad form.

I have just searched under you name, and you have started 23 threads about your poor relationship - I haven't looked at any of them, but maybe you should revisit them? From the volume alone it would seem that this is a long running issue for you.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 30-Jul-13 19:16:48

I remember earlier threads about him giving you the silent treatment. Sometimes he's not so bad doesn't seem like a terribly good reason for staying with someone who treats you with such contempt and often hostility.

I don't think you should have left the dishwasher door open though! Even if he thoroughly deserved to trip over it. (Cynic wonders whether he stumbled over it on purpose to make a point.)

AnyFucker Tue 30-Jul-13 18:51:44

that is because you are dancing to his tune, love

feelokaboutit Tue 30-Jul-13 18:42:13

No, sadly it isn't. Have gone round and round in the same circles for so long but I never seem to move forward.

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 17:30:05

It's not really about the dishwasher at all, is it?

delilahlilah Tue 30-Jul-13 10:08:15

Same here. Averting your eyes is a form of submission. It sounds like you resent him being domineering. You shouldn't feel like you are walking on egg shells, it isn't fair to you or your dc.

lordleofric Tue 30-Jul-13 09:42:51

When I read your op, I thought what Maddy says^^^.

But

When he said what he said I kept quiet and with my eyes averted.

made me shock

maddy68 Tue 30-Jul-13 09:19:59

Without knowing anything else. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction to being hurt.

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 09:00:37

Feel you sound like a really intelligent resourceful woman with a lot to give. I think if you were free of his dominance & the general gloom you would flourish. Yes you may have a short period on benefits & I can bet he won't move out easily but it will be resolved by the legal process if you can wait for that.

feelokaboutit Tue 30-Jul-13 08:14:10

Thanks Earth smile. I have made my share of mistakes - also in the context of my relationship, so have contributed to its deterioration. However I think it's obvious that h a. doesn't like me, b. is never going to consider me an equal partner and c. is always going to ultimately control the really big decisions because he does feel that he is the one doing the "work". It is true that I am crap at housework but really, I don't know to what an extent this is some kind of rebellion...

I've just remembered that a few nights ago we were all watching "A Place in the Sun: Home or Away" and there was a couple looking round a house in Spain that they both liked. The woman said she loved the house and couldn't believe it was going to be theirs and my h said something along the lines of... "she's spoilt - she's not paying for it" hmm angry. I was also wondering how on earth he would know who was paying for what because for all h knew she might have been the one funding the move???

He's ok sometimes. Can also be quite nice when very relaxed... However, generally I think I would rather not be with him that be with him. He can also be embarrassingly not politically correct in some of the things he says.

I suppose the worst thing about "us" is that none of our disagreements ever get spoken about or resolved, instead when arguments happen we don't talk for ages. It is not me who would want things to be this way, but h quickly becomes angry in an argument so it then feels like a risky thing to do because it is never (the argument) reasoned.

Anyway, onwards and upwards!

EarthtoMajorTom Mon 29-Jul-13 23:48:15

You sound like a really nice person, OP. Hope you can find a way to get that peaceful house. I think it's the peace you want, and the roses would just be the icing on the cake.

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 22:40:32

Should add that I am 44 so do not feel as if I have time on my side sad.

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 22:40:02

Hi again

In answer to your question imperial...

2 years ago now, I completed a year long certificate course to become a teaching assistant. I have since volunteered at my dcs' primary school, but getting an actual full time job is much harder, with 100 people applying for the last one I did not get an interview for. I haven't yet tried the agencies and may have more luck there, though one of the things that puts me off is the bad pay. It would be ok if I think of it as something to do while being with h, but I suppose, since I spend some of my time wishing h and I were divorced, part of me would like to earn more than 12,000 a year (pro rata!) (roughly, though it varies from school to school and area to area - also a little with experience).

The other thing I could do is written translation from Italian and French into English (I used to be fluent in both but both are very rusty now). I could do courses to brush up both these languages and then look for translation work (despite the fact that I don't have any translation certificate though I suppose I could work towards this long term as well - it is apparently very hard).

Otherwise I don't know really. I love interacting with and being with people generally which was one of the reasons I wanted to work in a school. My experience pre children (who are 7, 9 and 11) was secretarial and Teaching English as a Foreign Language. This year I was involved in a campaign to stop our school being forced to become an academy and I have to say that it was fascinating and I began to think I would like to volunteer for an MP with a view to eventually working for one, or that I would like to transcribe parliamentary debates... but this now seems more pie in the sky, and also, what I really want is to be financially independent.

When I am in "h and I have to be divorced" mode, I imagine myself in a peaceful little cottagey type of house with the dc (obviously they would not be with me all of the time sad), and with roses growing over the front porch confused.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 21:06:55

There's no inheritance tax on money left to a surviving spouse. But that's by the by really. His whole attitude is not driven by superstition but by the desire to control and dominate. To him you are not an equal partner but another piece of property. Wonder if he barely tolerated his first DW as well?

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 21:06:08

He is very bitter.

Yes, need to find out what is what with regard to my "rights"... Might feel more confident regardless of whether we get divorced or not. At moments like this I feel like dumping everything and living miles away.

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