Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need your opinion on this - may seem petty

(60 Posts)
feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 20:11:52

Hi all

Without giving you the background to my relationship with h, I need (if possible smile) your opinion on what he said to me this evening.

I was at home all day with our 3 kids - he was out working doing a physical job so he comes home knackered.

Shortly after coming home - he had had a shower and was about to eat his dinner, he got up again to get something from the cupboard in the kitchen. In the process (after he had got what he needed) he half tripped over the open dishwasher (which I had left open as I was emptying it - but he must have seen it was open as he made his way to the cupboard). He hurt his foot which is already sore and remained bent over for a while (he did not fall over but somehow stumbled - I didn't see how it happened). He then stood up and said to me - coldly - that unless I kept the dishwasher shut in future, he would unplug it and I would have to do the washing up by hand - that he "didn't have to put up with this".

What is your reaction to this? Maybe I am overreacting but I am angry and sad (though I recognise that tripping over the dishwasher is irritating).

Many thanks smile.

AnyFucker Wed 31-Jul-13 00:02:36

23 ?

fuck me

so you are never going to "feel ok about it" are you ?

accept things as they are, or do something about it

a stark choice, but best to make it I believe

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 07:32:02

I've just read all 23 thread titles honey. This can't go on. This is emotional abuse. I know you worry about the house & money but you must leave (he never will). You will get your share through the courts eventually but no amount of money or property is worth this. Do this for your kids if no one else. They are growing up to believe this is how to treat people they "love". I know it's hard to face up to the "failure" of a marriage but I think 24 separate threads describing an abusive relationship is pretty overwhelming evidence isn't it?

feelokaboutit Wed 31-Jul-13 09:11:06

Yes there are times when I am very down and annoyed. Other times when things feel better and I don't post. Generally I don't think h and I really want to be with each other. I would if only he would really talk but he is obviously never going to do that.

Am thinking of a way in which I can make a better life for myself - starting off within the "confines" of my "relationship", and then moving on to possibly living separate lives at some point. On the other hand, it could be that once some of my stuff is in place (like having work blush), I will feel much less dependent and therefore much happier. At the moment I keep on waiting for him (or anybody!!) to magically come in and sort things out for me, but that's never going to happen...

Am becoming a bit obsessive about this whole who owns the house business though, or what I perceive h's thoughts to be on this.....

Sometimes feel like suggesting that we sell the house and split the equity - in some ways this would also liberate h as he could pay off the mortgage and would probably be a lot happier without me, but getting from there to here is a monumental task as when I have mentioned splitting up in the past he has simply said "fuck off then"....

At other times things are better for a bit and then I feel much happier because I would rather things worked out between us and our dc lived with both their parents at the same time.

If it was just me I would be on the other side of the world by now!!!

feelokaboutit Wed 31-Jul-13 09:13:25

Have also worked out that I have now lived longer in my current location with h than I have lived anywhere at any time in my life, and I really would like to try pastures new!!! Dc happy at their school though so.....

Allycat Wed 31-Jul-13 09:24:11

You are legally entitled to half of everything he has. Marriage supersedes any previous arrangement unless he made you sign a prenuptial agreement.

BerylStreep Wed 31-Jul-13 17:43:36

when I have mentioned splitting up in the past he has simply said "fuck off then"…. Charming hmm

You mentioned you have been to joint counselling together - maybe it is better for you to go to individual counselling, and start breaking that insurmountable task of leaving him into bite sized achievable pieces.

If you make a plan so that say, in a year's time you want to be living apart, what do you need to do to achieve that? For example:

1. Find a solicitor

2. Get legal advice on what you are legally entitled to, and what process would be involved in splitting up, including likely costs and timescales.

3. Discreetly gather up information on all assets and make copies - mortgage, approx value of house (look at others online), savings, his income, work pension, ISAs, PEPs, other investments.

4. Find out what benefits or other money you would be entitled to. There are online calculators.

5. Keep plugging away on the job front.

6. Confide in someone in RL.

7. Maintain a (secret) diary of incidents and how they make you feel.

It looks like a lot written down, but if you promise yourself that you will do / start one of these a month, then you are better prepared and informed than you are now. None of the steps I have outlined above commit you to anything - you are just finding out the lay of the land.

Above all, promise yourself that you will not still be in this situation by this time next year.

PS - I am sorry for bringing up all the other threads - hope it won't make you NC.

themidwife Wed 31-Jul-13 18:14:08

That sounds good advice Beryl. I did the same between 1999-2000. It took 18 months but after careful planning I left with 2 DCs & moved 150 miles away from an abusive man. It was much better to plan than panic & run.

BerylStreep Thu 01-Aug-13 20:37:41

Midwife smile I bet you are a million times happier! Well done!

themidwife Sat 03-Aug-13 00:12:17

Temporarily! Have made a couple of mistakes since then! Independent now though!

Bant Sat 03-Aug-13 01:31:29

Sorry I feel I should butt in here. You are not 'legally entitled to half of everything he has'.

If it comes to a judges decision, the judge may give you everything or nothing as they see fit. Generally they would prefer to see an amicable settlement. If the husband can justify why some things are required for him to continue work to provide for the children, or that they belonged to him before the relationship (which seems to be the case here) then the judge may grant a significant financial benefit to the husband. Is it really fair that a man works and saves and buys a big house, meets a woman who then 4 or so years later is granted half the house without taking anything else into consideration?

The judge will consider the best situation for the children, generally, but 'you have half of everything' is such a huge overgeneralisation that it's breathtaking in it's naivete.

Sweeping statements like this are a bit ridiculous to encourage a woman to leave her husband. She should seek legal advice from someone with access to all the relevant information, not feel satisfied with random comments from people on a web discussion forum.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now