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Need your opinion on this - may seem petty

(60 Posts)
feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 20:11:52

Hi all

Without giving you the background to my relationship with h, I need (if possible smile) your opinion on what he said to me this evening.

I was at home all day with our 3 kids - he was out working doing a physical job so he comes home knackered.

Shortly after coming home - he had had a shower and was about to eat his dinner, he got up again to get something from the cupboard in the kitchen. In the process (after he had got what he needed) he half tripped over the open dishwasher (which I had left open as I was emptying it - but he must have seen it was open as he made his way to the cupboard). He hurt his foot which is already sore and remained bent over for a while (he did not fall over but somehow stumbled - I didn't see how it happened). He then stood up and said to me - coldly - that unless I kept the dishwasher shut in future, he would unplug it and I would have to do the washing up by hand - that he "didn't have to put up with this".

What is your reaction to this? Maybe I am overreacting but I am angry and sad (though I recognise that tripping over the dishwasher is irritating).

Many thanks smile.

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 20:49:28

He's sadly mistaken OP, you are his next of kin. If he dies by accidentally falling onto a sharp knife in the dishwasher you get the lot unless he has made a will & left it to the cats protection league. Also if you divorce & you are a SAHM with kids, you'll get at least 50% no matter how big & clever he thinks he is. If he made you sign a prenup you were coerced.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 20:50:24

Go get some legal advice, love

Many family solicitors will offer a half hour free...get the Yellow pages out tomorrow and start ringing round

Knowledge is power, and at the moment he thinks he has it all

I think you will be pleasantly surprised that he most certainly does not

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 20:50:46

You're frightened of him, aren't you? Keeping quiet waiting for a backlash is a miserable way to live OP. Of course he doesn't want you on deeds etc. He thinks he owns you, the house you live in and everything inside it. Never mind that he's previously divorced. He shouldn't be taking out his bitterness and foul temper on you.

I'd seek legal advice if I were you... get some proper information on your rights as a DW and it might give you some confidence to challenge him. You'll find you have a much bigger claim to that property (even if it was pre-owned) than he thinks.

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 20:50:49

Either way you could contest a secret will or his insistence he owns the lot because the law protects children. And you have children.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Jul-13 20:50:54

How old are your children? Would you be interested in going back to college and retraining? September's coming up and colleges are desperate for students!

How would you like to live? What kind of job would you like to have?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 20:53:09

name on deeds (or lack of) will make no difference in the divorce petition

you are primary carer for the dc, you would be entitled to stay in the house with them until the youngest is of age...then it may be sold but you would be entitled to at least half (based on all sorts of things like the potential difference in your earning capacities)

your H is an ignoramus, as well as a prick

Does he think you would be unable to plug it back in yourself?

It was a fuck awful reaction but had to judge with no context. I notice you said he does a physical job - doesn't give him the right to behave like an arse

ageofgrandillusion Mon 29-Jul-13 20:54:19

If i were you OP I'd go see a solicitor and find out what's what re the finances, the house etc. This guy sounds very, very bitter.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 20:55:00

I am not a solicitor, but there are some very helpful and knowledgeable ones on the legal and divorce/separation topics

check 'em out

just for information, like...

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 21:02:26

No, no prenup. He is not financially mean on a day to day basis at all, just very self-preservative as he considers himself to have been fleeced while divorcing his first wife.

I am a little frightened of him. Not physically in the slightest or on a day to day basis, but if he is in a temper then yes - frightened of what he can say and the way he can say it - leaving you feeling devastated.

I think he does know that if we were to divorce I would get half the house, but I imagine the whole process would be deeply unpleasant.

I think with regard to having no will, the wife gets a portion and the children get the rest in trust. It sounds greedy to want things done differently but I would feel more secure if I knew that it was going to me (and then from me automatically to the children when I die) because the portion that I would get would be nothing where we live and so would mean huge upheaval. There's also the matter of inheritance tax that he could avoid. It's kind of a superstitious thing on his part - he would rather not talk about it or tempt fate, but I think it needs dealing with. I brought it up in counselling last year and he accused me of having researched it... I do understand that from his point of view, a wife he does not seem to be getting on with who wants to discuss "wills" is a weird thing. From my point of view however, part of the reason I find him difficult to get on with is because it feels as if everything is on his terms.

Will consider your question imperial, after I have put the dcs to bed.

Thanks for your answers.

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 21:06:08

He is very bitter.

Yes, need to find out what is what with regard to my "rights"... Might feel more confident regardless of whether we get divorced or not. At moments like this I feel like dumping everything and living miles away.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 21:06:55

There's no inheritance tax on money left to a surviving spouse. But that's by the by really. His whole attitude is not driven by superstition but by the desire to control and dominate. To him you are not an equal partner but another piece of property. Wonder if he barely tolerated his first DW as well?

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 22:40:02

Hi again

In answer to your question imperial...

2 years ago now, I completed a year long certificate course to become a teaching assistant. I have since volunteered at my dcs' primary school, but getting an actual full time job is much harder, with 100 people applying for the last one I did not get an interview for. I haven't yet tried the agencies and may have more luck there, though one of the things that puts me off is the bad pay. It would be ok if I think of it as something to do while being with h, but I suppose, since I spend some of my time wishing h and I were divorced, part of me would like to earn more than 12,000 a year (pro rata!) (roughly, though it varies from school to school and area to area - also a little with experience).

The other thing I could do is written translation from Italian and French into English (I used to be fluent in both but both are very rusty now). I could do courses to brush up both these languages and then look for translation work (despite the fact that I don't have any translation certificate though I suppose I could work towards this long term as well - it is apparently very hard).

Otherwise I don't know really. I love interacting with and being with people generally which was one of the reasons I wanted to work in a school. My experience pre children (who are 7, 9 and 11) was secretarial and Teaching English as a Foreign Language. This year I was involved in a campaign to stop our school being forced to become an academy and I have to say that it was fascinating and I began to think I would like to volunteer for an MP with a view to eventually working for one, or that I would like to transcribe parliamentary debates... but this now seems more pie in the sky, and also, what I really want is to be financially independent.

When I am in "h and I have to be divorced" mode, I imagine myself in a peaceful little cottagey type of house with the dc (obviously they would not be with me all of the time sad), and with roses growing over the front porch confused.

feelokaboutit Mon 29-Jul-13 22:40:32

Should add that I am 44 so do not feel as if I have time on my side sad.

EarthtoMajorTom Mon 29-Jul-13 23:48:15

You sound like a really nice person, OP. Hope you can find a way to get that peaceful house. I think it's the peace you want, and the roses would just be the icing on the cake.

feelokaboutit Tue 30-Jul-13 08:14:10

Thanks Earth smile. I have made my share of mistakes - also in the context of my relationship, so have contributed to its deterioration. However I think it's obvious that h a. doesn't like me, b. is never going to consider me an equal partner and c. is always going to ultimately control the really big decisions because he does feel that he is the one doing the "work". It is true that I am crap at housework but really, I don't know to what an extent this is some kind of rebellion...

I've just remembered that a few nights ago we were all watching "A Place in the Sun: Home or Away" and there was a couple looking round a house in Spain that they both liked. The woman said she loved the house and couldn't believe it was going to be theirs and my h said something along the lines of... "she's spoilt - she's not paying for it" hmm angry. I was also wondering how on earth he would know who was paying for what because for all h knew she might have been the one funding the move???

He's ok sometimes. Can also be quite nice when very relaxed... However, generally I think I would rather not be with him that be with him. He can also be embarrassingly not politically correct in some of the things he says.

I suppose the worst thing about "us" is that none of our disagreements ever get spoken about or resolved, instead when arguments happen we don't talk for ages. It is not me who would want things to be this way, but h quickly becomes angry in an argument so it then feels like a risky thing to do because it is never (the argument) reasoned.

Anyway, onwards and upwards!

themidwife Tue 30-Jul-13 09:00:37

Feel you sound like a really intelligent resourceful woman with a lot to give. I think if you were free of his dominance & the general gloom you would flourish. Yes you may have a short period on benefits & I can bet he won't move out easily but it will be resolved by the legal process if you can wait for that.

maddy68 Tue 30-Jul-13 09:19:59

Without knowing anything else. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction to being hurt.

lordleofric Tue 30-Jul-13 09:42:51

When I read your op, I thought what Maddy says^^^.

But

When he said what he said I kept quiet and with my eyes averted.

made me shock

delilahlilah Tue 30-Jul-13 10:08:15

Same here. Averting your eyes is a form of submission. It sounds like you resent him being domineering. You shouldn't feel like you are walking on egg shells, it isn't fair to you or your dc.

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 17:30:05

It's not really about the dishwasher at all, is it?

feelokaboutit Tue 30-Jul-13 18:42:13

No, sadly it isn't. Have gone round and round in the same circles for so long but I never seem to move forward.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Jul-13 18:51:44

that is because you are dancing to his tune, love

Anniegetyourgun Tue 30-Jul-13 19:16:48

I remember earlier threads about him giving you the silent treatment. Sometimes he's not so bad doesn't seem like a terribly good reason for staying with someone who treats you with such contempt and often hostility.

I don't think you should have left the dishwasher door open though! Even if he thoroughly deserved to trip over it. (Cynic wonders whether he stumbled over it on purpose to make a point.)

BerylStreep Tue 30-Jul-13 23:46:30

Apologies for bringing up previous threads - I know it is bad form.

I have just searched under you name, and you have started 23 threads about your poor relationship - I haven't looked at any of them, but maybe you should revisit them? From the volume alone it would seem that this is a long running issue for you.

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