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Is this worth pursuing?

(223 Posts)
crapartist Mon 29-Jul-13 00:18:20

I'm sorry - this is long. I'll try to be succinct. I just need some perspective.

A few months ago I started seeing someone having just ended a long term relationship. We both agreed it was casual at the beginning, meeting just for sex. I would go to his place (I was staying on a friends sofa bed at the time) and go home that night. He didn't want a relationship and neither did I. That was fine, for a while. I started to have some feelings but I kept them in check as I didn't want to get too close.

Things started to change a little, in that I started staying overnight at his invitation and we would spend time talking about our lives rather than just having sex.

Around the time I moved into my own place I decided to take a risk and ask him on a real date. He said he was comfortable with that but jokingly said he might freak out if I asked him to move in or something. I said he didn't need to worry about that at this point (for goodness sake!). We were both nervous on the date but it was lovely.

A few dates and weeks later he turned up at my place late one night telling me how much he liked being with me and how he hadn't slept with anyone else since we met. I didn't really respond much because he was a bit drunk at the time and I was a bit caught off guard and didn't know how to take it. However we kept seeing each other, having a really good time and started alternating staying at his place and mine, going on proper dates and not always having sex, just being quietly comfortable in each others company. We didn't talk about that night again.

I've met his brother who he lives with, and he's met my best friends who I live with. We have socialised with both. We haven't met any other of our groups of friends. He has told his work mates about me and I have told mine about him (our companies are linked). He's agreed to come to a work function with me, no hesitation.

We now spend practically every weekend together, it's grown to three nights a week if we are both in town. He takes me to nice places and seems proud to be seen with me. I feel the same way.

I started to feel I needed to know if we were heading somewhere. Unfortunately I decided to raise this at 4am when we had both been out drinking. I thought I asked him if he saw me as a potential girlfriend when or if that time came, he thought I was asking if he saw me as his girlfriend right now. He said no. He said he is enjoying what we have and how we are getting to know each other now and he wants to see where things go. He got quite upset, talking about how when he moves in with someone it'll be the person he wants to marry. I asked who had even mentioned moving in? He really jumped the gun but as I say, we had been drinking. Next morning we talked a little more. I cleared up the misunderstanding about my question the night before but made it clear I don't want to get hurt again, waiting around for something that might never happen (as in my last relationship). He said he understood but he wants to take things slow, by which I took to mean he felt I was rushing him. He had to leave for work then, he was concerned I was still a bit upset, gave me a hug, kissed me several times and left.

We are affectionate in public and he holds my hand and is a gentleman in general. He has passed the waitress test with flying colours and is generous and kind to all. He has a great relationship with his family. However, he has told me how he has ended relationships in the past because he realised when they started talking about moving in together that he didn't want to marry them, so he called them off. He did live with one partner and from what I gather it ended badly, which may be where his fear of commitment stems from, I don't know.

So my question is, dear mumsnetters, am I wasting my time or should I give him some time to see if it goes anywhere? I don't want to be a mug but I don't want to let something potentially good slip through my fingers.

Apologies for the epic length of this post!

TIA

crapartist Fri 02-Aug-13 16:02:12

I know you are right. I have done a lot of work on that. Me 10 years ago couldn't even date anyone, my self esteem was so shot. Think (hope) this is just a bad patch.

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 15:55:13

Ah thanks MSB.

You've got to turn this round darling.....

Make it about you, not him.

If you constantly dance to his tune you will ties yourself in knots.

Underlying all of this is a lack of self esteem. I know- got the T shirt.

Once you start believing any guy who sees you is damn lucky, then you'll stop feeling worried and insecure.

crapartist Fri 02-Aug-13 15:44:57

Indeed she does.

I actually thought I'd probably heard the last of him, hence my confusion at him contacting me. Thats what I was telling myself anyway...my counsellor would say its self preservation to protect myself from rejection.

Perhaps its me that is confusing then :-)

msshapelybottom Fri 02-Aug-13 15:10:33

MissBoBeep speaks a lot of sense smile

garlicagain Fri 02-Aug-13 15:09:32

YY to Twinkle. It never feels straightforward, though, does it?!

Missbopeep Fri 02-Aug-13 15:08:09

Why are you confused?
You didn't give the impression here that the relationship was over- only that he didn't want to put the g/f label on you.

You need to turn this round in your head.

It's not about what HE wants. Forget that.

It's about what YOU want.

If you want a more open guy who calls you his g/f then end it- or at least open up with him and say you don't like his behaviour.

If you feel this is too strong then bide your time and see how it pans out but give yourself a mental cut-off point, after which you will either have a conversation with him, or end it, or meanwhile play the field and replace him.

Twinklestein Fri 02-Aug-13 14:34:12

If you are confused then simply ask him again where you stand.

Are you his gf?
Will you ever be is gf?

If the answer to both questions is no, and you want to be in a relationship either with him or someone else, then finish it.

crapartist Fri 02-Aug-13 13:02:25

So he's contacted me, wants to see me, gave me all the news etc.

Men are confusing confused

DelayedActionMouseMaker Wed 31-Jul-13 17:28:17

Oh and I kinda mixed up what I was saying to you and Crapartist, It was to her that the 'you know after 3 months if you want to be boyf/girlfriend thing.

DelayedActionMouseMaker Wed 31-Jul-13 17:26:52

Sorry missbopeep was genuinely wondering, not trying to criticise or be mean in any way. I asked your age then because I put up with all sorts of shitty behaviour from men in my late teens and early 20's but would never do so now. Anyway, you got your happy ending, and that's what counts! smile

PeriodFeatures Wed 31-Jul-13 15:27:57

I think that you need to see how things go for a bit longer perhaps?

Don't bring it up again but set a deadline in your own mind. If by this point it seems that he isn't looking to make any more commitment and you are not willing to let things continue the way they are then withdraw.

He's obviously clear about how he wants to do things and is obviously into you. If that's his way then that is his way.

He's either very traditional and is wanting to see how things go or a control freak who is using his values to keep things the way he wants them. Casual. I guess time will tell.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 31-Jul-13 14:23:16

'You allowed this guy to have fun with you from day one and you agree to do this for free'

This is very odd language. Are you suggesting that the OP should have put a price on access to her Chamber of Delights?

A good friend of mine met her partner through a website that was just for meeting fuckbuddies, essentially. A few months down the line they were living together - things can evolve.

However, OP's swain does not appear to want this evolution. I think a heart to heart is needed. It's as if you are doing an internship as his girlfriend but cannot call yourself that or have any of the benefits.

If he genuinely does not see you as his gf, see him less frequently and perhaps see other people. Not to call his bluff, but to find out if there's anyone less fucked up out there.

RinseAndRepeat Wed 31-Jul-13 13:20:58

OP you would obviously like this to progress into something more serious. He's making noises that he's not really up for that happening.

You need to decide if you're happy to continue the relationship on his terms.

And if so, how long are you prepared to do that?

Missbopeep Wed 31-Jul-13 12:19:18

Delayed- If you don't mind, I don't want to answer that as I've already given quite lot of my personal life history to the OP! Just let's say that we were late 20s and he did refer to me as his girlfriend but he wasn't thinking about marriage within 3 months of meeting. I wasn't a FWB for him or anyone. I think you've misconstrued what I wrote.

DelayedActionMouseMaker Wed 31-Jul-13 11:40:16

Bloody ipad, not invalided, unvalued! English is my first language. Honestly!

DelayedActionMouseMaker Wed 31-Jul-13 11:39:22

Missbopeep. I have to ask you, how did your do make you feel though when he laughed off others comments? Didn't you feel invalided and uncertain? How old were you? How old was he?

I just thnk a couple in their thirties, both of whom have had last serious relationships, KNOW after three months if they want to be (for want of a better word) boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not saying he should know if he wants to marry you or move in. But he surely knows that if your not FWB and are exclusively sleeping together that makes you a couple?

Crapartist, I honestly think he's being very clear, and very honest...he's happy with the status quo, which would indicate that although exclusive in sleeping with other women terms, he may jump if he finds the one.

I've seen it with so many friends and experienced it myself often too. We sit and convince ourselves that 'oh he's been hurt before, he's just shy, there's this/that/the other reason why he doesn't want to say we're a couple...and we allow ourselves to undervalue our worth and our right to be in an equal relationship. You like this guy more than he does you, if that wasn't the case he's have jumped at the chance of being your boyfriend...because had it been HIM trying to suss out the situation you'd have had no hesitation in telling him he was your boyfriend right?

There will always be the odd case where things worked out differently, but you need t be straight, both with yourself and with him, that he wants something different from this relationship than you do.

Fwiw you sound lovely, and I'm sure there's a guy who'd be sensible enough to see that and act on it out there!

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 21:53:18

I think she knows what she wants, but she doesn't know if she is going to get it. Two different things.

anna891 Tue 30-Jul-13 21:51:32

There is a book that might help. 'Why men love bitches'. Full of good advice.

garlicagain Tue 30-Jul-13 21:48:31

I think spending all this time and energy trying to work out what he feels and why he's acting like this and what it all means is a red herring.

Agreed!!!!

Bopeep, I definitely don't mean state your objectives early on, no. I meant be clear in one's own mind. I think crapartist had already got that by herself smile Plus, see R&R's post above.

crapartist Tue 30-Jul-13 21:34:21

True Scrazy

scrazy Tue 30-Jul-13 21:17:30

Crap, it's him you need to ask questions and really listen to how he responds. People tell you who they are.

crapartist Tue 30-Jul-13 21:03:48

Thank you...you might be sorry you offered that with all the questions I have!

RinseAndRepeat Tue 30-Jul-13 21:01:30

I think spending all this time and energy trying to work out what he feels and why he's acting like this and what it all means is a red herring.

OP you just need to consider whether this is good enough for you. Is this what you want any more? It's okay to say that it's not.

Once you've worked out exactly what it is you do want (and I think a big part of this is you finding the courage to be brave enough to admit that actually, yes, you do want a relationship with him, with everything that entails) then you need to be honest with yourself about whether you're going to get it from him.

Missbopeep Tue 30-Jul-13 20:46:28

Feel free to PM me because I don't want to write more of my autobiography!

crapartist Tue 30-Jul-13 20:42:33

I see your point. And I feel your situation is similar to mine. Although I would say that as it suits me!

More to think about. Basically I just need to slow the hell down but keep an eye on whether I am happy or not. And get out if I'm not.

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