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Elusive orgasm...

(99 Posts)
Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 21:15:09

Been married several years, together even longer, two smallish DC. In general, v happily married. I have always had a real problem getting to orgasm though, which (along with all the usual reasons - tiredness, small DC, not making the time etc) means that we hardly ever have sex. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever managed a proper orgasm blush. DH is extremely kind and patient, but he would love to have sex more often, and in theory so would I.

Every single time we have sex, it feels nice up to a certain point, and then it just feels like it's too much, and I lose the momentum, and don't seem to be able to go all the way. It's almost like being intensely tickled - it's pleasant up to a certain extent, but then you just want it to stop. I don't know how other people manage to orgasm - it is apparently such a normal thing but I feel like a complete failure / freak that it's so elusive for me.

Does anyone have any idea what I mean? What on earth can I (we?) do about it? This is by far the single biggest issue in our relationship (although not a dealbreaker). By the way, have name-changed for obvious reasons but am sadly absolutely not a troll...

How are you being stimulated? If it's by DH hands or just trying to get the angle right through penetration then it's not likely to be easy. What you need is to use either your fingers or a small vibrator, find a comfortable position where dh can take it slowly and be very relaxed.

Diagonally Sun 28-Jul-13 21:34:59

I know exactly what you mean about "it feels like it's too much". That means you are not being stimulated in a way which is going to work for you, or that you are being overstimulated which is what makes you feel like you want to stop. It's a fine balance, and everyone is a bit different. Lots of women can orgasm through oral sex, for e.g., or from using a vibrator, but neither of those work for me!

Have you ever had an orgasm by yourself? I really would recommend you try and get yourself there a few times first on your own, and then you can bring your DH in to the equation once you feel more confident.

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 21:35:23

Can you orgasm on your own? I'm not sure when you say you don't think you've had a proper orgasm you mean with your husband, or ever.

Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 21:53:42

Er, I don't do it on my own. And never have, even as a hormonal teenager. I think I am the only woman on Mumsnet (in the world?) who doesn't. I am too embarrassed. Even if I was in a locked room with everyone out of the house. blush blush. I think this is part of the problem. I don't even have any moral objections to sorting yourself out, so I don't know what my problem is sad.

We have tried DH hands, a small vibrator and oral (as well as penetration, but that def does't work on the orgasm front), and it either doesn't really work at all, or gets too much and it has to stop. Diagonally - that's very reassuring that there is (hopefully!) some technique out there, and we (I?) just haven't found it yet. Rather than feeling that I'm just a failure as the current approaches aren't working...

filee777 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:55:33

Look up tantric, it's all about keeping it below that intense stage and letting the intensity build up.

FoxyHarlow123 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:06:31

Can I ask why you're too embarrassed? Even by yourself? Even though you didn't answer the question directly, it sounds like you've never had an orgasm. Perhaps you could give this a shot and then once you discover what it feels like, you can consider transferring this to being with your partner. Once you know how they feel, you might want to keep practising! Btw, vibrators can be very discreet and don't have to be great big dildo-like affairs!

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 22:12:02

I think the key lies in you getting to know your own body. Try to discover if you have a G spot & where it is. Once you can do it on your own, then it will be much easier to do it with your H.

By way of analogy - it's easier to give someone directions to er Greenwich, if you've been to Greenwich before. (lol)

If you feel too inhibited about doing it alone - it's not that surprising that you can't do it with your H. Perhaps you can't quite let go enough?

Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 22:13:00

I don't know why I'm embarrassed. I don't have any traumatic past or anything. I just am. I just need to find some way of getting over this mental block. And yes, I think I've never managed to actually have one - I get a tingly feeling and it really feels like it's about to lead somewhere big, and then it all falls apart. Again. sad

Diagonally Sun 28-Jul-13 22:17:05

I can imagine if you are not used to doing it, masturbation could make you feel quite self conscious. What about trying it out by reading some erotic literature at the same time, so you have something to concentrate on which isn't you? There's lots on line these days, do you have a kindle?

Can I suggest that you have a warm bath, and a couple of glasses of wine, or a small brandy? It will help relax you (and the brandy makes you feel warm and lovingwink)

as others have suggested, try a little self-exploration first. It will feel a little strange to start with, but once it starts to feel nice I'm sure you'll get with the flow!

loveyourlovebuttonlots Sun 28-Jul-13 22:22:11

I think it is definitely more important to explore your clitoris than your G Spot as a clitoral orgasm is much easier to reach. Plus it is worth noting that about 80% of women need clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex. Does your partner stimulate you in that area when you are lovemaking?

Playing alone is essential.

Wigeon Sun 28-Jul-13 22:23:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 23:24:52

^I agree re clitoris, but she knows where that is, whereas she may have a G spot but not be aware of it. (Although some women seem not to have one). Anyways, good luck OP!

eccentrica Sun 28-Jul-13 23:28:58

Trying to reach something when you don't understand what it is, with the pressure of someone else there watching you expectantly (even the most loving, supportive person in the world) is unlikely to work. And if it has any sense of being something you need to 'achieve' (so that not reaching orgasm is, as you say, 'a failure), it's definitely not going to work.

You really have to do it yourself first. I didn't have an orgasm til I was 21 (other than very early masturbation experiments age 9 or 10). I lost my virginity well before I was 16, so I'd had plenty of experience with men, but I didn't masturbate. When I finally did have an orgasm, I was truly blown away and became slightly addicted to them for about a year blush

I can now reach orgasm easily with my partner - although it always needs clitoral stimulation - penetrative sex alone is never enough although it can get me very close.

Although sex is by no means all about the orgasm (his or mine), the fact that I now come every time, like him, has made a huge difference to me. I feel like I'm participating more fully in the experience, if that makes sense. I enjoyed sex before, but somehow it wasn't quite the same and I felt (without admitting it maybe) a bit cheated and jealous that my sexual partner would have 'the full' experience and I was missing out on the most intense pleasure.

I am sure you can have this too. But not by chasing it during sex with your husband. here's my advice, based on my own experience:

- Buy a vibrator. You may need to try a couple to find one that really works for you.

- Be alone. At a time when no one is going to interrupt you, so there's no pressure of time.

- Lie down and explore. Use lube, Durex Play is good. Have some music on if you like. Perhaps have some erotic stories, or porn, whatever works for you. Let your mind and your hands wander. (If you want more specific suggestions I am happy to explain what works for me, but I think everyone is different!)

Above all, don't have any sense of pressure, of competition, of needing to race to get somewhere. Let yourself go with it. I did, and I had the shock of my life (in a good way) whenI finally came smile

ShowOfHands Sun 28-Jul-13 23:31:56

Oh you're not the only woman on MN. And I'm not even namechanging. I don't do that either. Not sure why. It seems faintly ridiculous. I'd only lie there thinking about what I should be doing. I can't switch off. I'm also a complete control freak so that's probably part of my problem. I think I have had one orgasm in my life but not sure if even that was right. I get to the point where really you may as well just be rubbing my big toe. It becomes more irritating than anything else. I have no answers clearly, but you're not alone.

littleoaktree Sun 28-Jul-13 23:42:55

I'm in the same position OP, I've recently got a book that was recommended on here this one which I'm working my way through and is quite good at helping you understand why you don't and feelings about it and what you can do to help.

Like SOH I'm a control freak and can't switch my mind off so know that's my problem.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 28-Jul-13 23:49:27

Sometimes when the feeling's not quite 'right' it can be because thete's a physical problem; the hood can adhere to the clitoris without one's knowledge.
It's more common than you'd think.
Might be worth having a look to see if everything's free down there, or if the clitoris is parly (or even completely) covered.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sun 28-Jul-13 23:50:47

Partly not parly.

onefewernow Sun 28-Jul-13 23:56:42

Ah well... I used to feel a bit like this, but it definitely changed in my late thirties. ( early 50s now).

I did have a few, but they were uncommon. And a lot if work.

I recommend practice alone. It is hard to be bothered at first but you grow into it.

So all is not lost!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 29-Jul-13 00:00:23

I think you definitely need to manage it on your own first...or you'll never get there with DH....do you like your body? Or are you unhappy with it?

orderinformation Mon 29-Jul-13 00:15:14

That's encouraging onefewernow.

I could have written this post a few years ago. I have had a couple though, only by myself. I would recommend finding something that really turns you on - for me it was erotic fiction (not fifty shades!!!) so when you do explore yourself you're already v turned on.

Also to work on breathing. Ou have to kind of hold your breath for it to happen. V hard to explain but you build up to holding your breath and end up having to pant to get some air in and then it happens.

I am also rubbish at letting go - drugs never had any impact on me when I experimented as I am too uptight to roll with it. So think it may be same bit of brain holding back for both.

Diagonally Mon 29-Jul-13 00:39:42

One thing I notice really affects me negatively is alcohol. I cannot orgasm when I have had more than a couple of drinks.

So if you usually have sex after a glass of wine or two, try none!

NoOrgasm2 Mon 29-Jul-13 09:23:36

Just to say you are not alone.
I've never ever come with a man. I am still hopeful.
I didn't have an orgasm until I was over 50. shock
I didn't masturbate as a teen. Maybe- just possibly- there is something rooted in my childhood because evidently when I was a young child my mum caught me fiddling with myself, for want of a better term, and although I don't remember being told off I sensed it was something that disturbed her.
I had 'success' after spending a huge amount of time masturbating but it took well over an hour. I've bought a vibrator and it works every time. However I am too shy to admit to DP that I own one! There is no way I could use it in front of him.
My problem I am sure is inhibition. DP is loving and patient but I just cannot let go in front of him, enough. I don't know why, but I can't. We've been together for years and through a lot together, but I just can't really let go.
The other point is that although he knows what to do, he doesn't do it like I do it to myself, and I need to keep 'directing' him, which makes it all a bit tense. Maybe my clitoris is just not that sensitive. I don't know.
If it's any help OP I have a close friend who is in the same situation as you- she's never had one either- alone or with a man. The difference is that she's not bothered, whereas I am.
I think for you, the first step is trying to do it yourself. At some point the embarrassment will go and you'll get into the swing.

RaRaZ Mon 29-Jul-13 19:59:46

Sounds like relaxation is your problem. If you get too tense about trying to orgasm, you won't get to that point - though I realise telling you not to think about it is like telling you not to pull the red cord! Are you confident having sex with DP? Lack of confidence is a huge barrier to orgasm.

Remember that we're all different and we all respond to different things. You need to spend some time working out what works for you. Many women never orgasm from penetrative sex with a man. I do - almost every time so long as I'm not tired - but I think I'm quite lucky in that respect. Position makes a hell of a difference: I'll always orgasm if I'm on top, but never to date with doggy (regardless of clit stimulation). See what feels good for you. Squeezing the pelvic floor helps some people, pushing down helps others, tensing the thighs and stomach can work, having him thrust really slow and deep can help... Depends where you're sensitive.

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