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Round and round we go....

(9 Posts)
nectarini1983 Sun 28-Jul-13 18:44:40

In a nut shell... been with husband 8 years, married for 3, with 2 darling children we worked hard to get. Lost a 3rd baby late in pregnancy at the beginning of the year...a pregnancy that hubby had not been at all pleased about initially as was somewhat of a surprise. ...

So my dilemma....I just dont really feel anything for him anymore.....I think the phrase is "burnt out. " I can still see hes a good looking man but I dont "fancy" him anymore and sex is out of duty rather than passion. It's not just because of the baby we lost as had this exact same conversation with my bf at xmas....ie when was still pg about how this would pan out.

He works hard and is a good provider but is a big coke fan and does this at least twice a week when out with his mates. He also drinks at home every night after work. I just find it so unattractive.

He has started to accept that he more than likely has bipolar disorder....something ive been suggesting for years...which doesnt help.

Hes lazy with the kids and would rather watch tv at the weekends or is hungover from his binges with his mates...so im often playing single mum amyway. Never does bath or bedtime stories etc. Hes got major issues from his dad not being around since he was an infant and his mum being completely useless, plus a child from another relationship.

He snaps at the kids regularly and is very harsh with them ...our eldest is only 3....but he expects the behaviour of a ten year old I think sometimes.

Im going away soon and have said I can't go on pretending. ...problem is I know he wont leave the house that we jointly have mtge on. We dont have any equity and my parents paid our desposit.

I hate the thought of being single and messing my kids up without their dad around but think I still deserve a chance to be happy again one day.

Ive got a fairly well paid job so could survived financially if I made a few tweeks...the big problem is getting him to go. Hes threatened to not let me back in when I get home.
Thanks for reading. X

Any relationship/ financial advice greatly appreciated. X

racingheart Mon 29-Jul-13 14:01:32

Wow. You sound a bit of a saint to me, so far. Can't offer much help except to say that I know from witnessing the massive deterioration of a friend that coke and bi-polar do not mix. There's not much person left by the time you throw alcohol into the mix too.

He needs to choose between family or drugs and booze. He needs to sort out proper medication for his bi-polar which is quite enough for him/you to handle without the rest on top.

IMHO it is impossible to have a relationship worth having with a coke head. They are utterly self-centred, short-tempered and maniacal. I really loathe threads where strangers say LTB, but you do need to carefully consider whether your children would have a stabler life without him. In this circumstance, maybe they would.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Jul-13 14:14:09

You say you're going away; is that for work? Are the children going with you?

Not being let into the house when you have your children with you is one thing, but being refused access to my children would send me over the edge.

He sounds really awful, OP. Just making that threat is terrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 15:11:17

"I hate the thought of being single and messing my kids up without their dad around "

Sounds like your kids are in more danger of being messed up with their dad around shoving family cash up his nose or down his throat and then too wasted to be anything but a couch potato. ... hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 15:16:11

"the big problem is getting him to go. "

If he won't go of his own volition and starts doing things like actually barring your way then you should call the police and have him removed. Next step is to get legal advice about a divorce because, sadly, when someone is that uncooperative, you have to assume that the process will be hostile from start to finish. Not much room for mediation and benefits of the doubt etc.

nectarini1983 Tue 30-Jul-13 08:36:52

Im going away with the children to visit family for a few days. He was nice as pie last night and just laughed and says I exaggerate when I quoted him on what he'd said.

I do need him to make a choice. ...us or his mates and their antics. Because all his friends do the same, ie have good jobs, families and party!, he cant see the problem. He justifies it but saying that people spend more than that a week on cigarettes and as he doesn't smoke its his money to waste.

The thing I'm most scared of is that ig I ever did leave him he would still be entitled to access to the children. And it wouldn't take him new long to find someone new as he is gorgeous and has got the gift of the gab. So I would get to watch him and his new gf go off with my children while im left by myself. I dont think I can handle that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 08:41:17

OK, but sticking around because you don't want someone else to endure have this handsome booby prize doesn't actually make your life or your DCs life better.

TheSilverySoothsayer Tue 30-Jul-13 09:12:33

I smoke 20 a day. It costs £50 a week.

What makes him think now that he may have bipolar? Has he used GP or mh services at all?

misskatamari Tue 30-Jul-13 10:05:21

Gosh he sounds like an awful person to be around. You are his family and you are bottom of his list of priorities - that is just appalling. You know what you need to do - its just hard deciding to do it.

In terms of the house, I'm no expert but I am sure I have read lots of threads where people mention that you are entitled to live in the house if you have children until they are 18. I don't know the details but I am pretty sure that is the law. You need to speak to a solicitor an find out where you stand so that you are fully prepared if you do decide to separate and things turn ugly.

I know it's hard to break free but don't waste your life on this useless man who couldn't care less about you or your kids. If some other woman is unfortunate enough to end up with him, feel sorry for her and be glad of your lucky escape! You have to do what is right for you and your children!

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