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How to stop arguing?

(47 Posts)
DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 11:01:20

Every month me and DP argue and he goes to sleep at his mums for a few days. We have 2 nice weeks, then a week of me feeling irrationally upset and crying about things like him being half hour later at work and then a few days of arguing and then him leaving for a few days before we're back happy again.

It is grinding me down, it's exhausting being angry and stressed so regularly. We've been together off and on for years and have 2 dc 7 and 6 but now I feel I'm loosing him and that he's had enough of this pointless drama.

How can I stop pushing him away all the time when things get good, that is if he sticks around to get back good this time. sad

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 19:37:32

I'm not furious when he's not here I feel happy mostly and then after the usual 3 days when he comes back I have realised I missed him.

He also says really hurtful things just to be spiteful really. I've been doing driving lessons and he's always said he's going to buy me a car when I pass, even talking about ones he has saw that he wants to get for me. A few days before he left this time dd said she had seen a car that he could get me and he said he's not getting me a car no more as he doesn't want me to drive around my next boyfriend in it.

How ridiculous to be upset about a silly comment when I know next week he'l be on about a yaris again. Just really makes me feel unwanted and dispensable.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 19:39:43

Ruthie I always tell him that he's not coming back, doesn't seem to make a difference. Think this time he's really not coming though.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:46:28

I think that just goes to show how many facets there are to any situation presented on here.

I'd guess that the PMT is the main trigger and you've both got into a spiral of unhealthy behaviour patterns from there. But it's only a guess because as already said it's hard to unpick with a few posts on the internet.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:46:50

x post.

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:48:03

If you are both at each other's throats 50% of the time is it really worth staying together?

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:51:41

missed out:

[and if you're happy when he's not there] is it worth staying together?

pictish Sun 28-Jul-13 19:56:37

Look face it - it's a mess. What a way to go on at one another!
Frankly, you both strike me as hot headed, impulsive, argumentative people, who are a little bit spiteful as well. You most certainly do not bring out the best in one another at all - quite the opposite.

Your kids are watching this whole charade.

How can it be worth it?

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 19:58:06

It doesn't seem worth it, there are so many facets and we can't even rationally talk about them all without him either being offended or having to be right.

I have been fine since Tuesday on my own but now I feel so sad that he isn't promising to work things out and is saying he doesn't love me right now.

He even rung my nan to put his rightness across and complain about my bad attitude and pride.

I want to be on my own but I want him to confused

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 19:59:44

MOAR counselling.

Not wanting to let him go and feeling sad is not the same as still wanting the relationship or it being worth saving.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 20:19:40

It's not just a relationship I'm letting going it's my family. It's him, his dd his family that are dcs family to. I really love us when we are good and I'm afraid to let that all go.

notanyanymore Sun 28-Jul-13 20:30:18

Gosh you sound just like me & my DP in so many ways!

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Jul-13 20:32:48

then you need to sit down when you're in a good phase and have a proper talk and consider counselling because carrying on in this vein can't be making anyone happy.

DragonsAreReal Sun 28-Jul-13 21:23:56

He wouldn't even consider counselling so that's a bit moot, he might in the right mood listen to all my complaints but nothing would change.

Last time he came up with a fridge chart and we had a nice and not nice tally chart going on, it did work for a while but we couldn't keep it up.

newlifeforme Sun 28-Jul-13 21:36:36

How long have you been together?

I think you need to figure out the issues,step parenting is likely to be a trigger.He may treat his daughter differently as that is very common issue - Disney parenting.

When you are both calm you need to discuss the issues without blame.When you are angry with him think about your underlying needs, what need is not being met? Earlier you mentioned feeling unloved, do you need to hear that you are loved & appreciated more frequentely? When he doesn't come back on time for dinner are you feeling neglected? If you then impose a dinner time rule he may rebel and the downward cycle begins.

I suspect your dp is highly defensive, my H is exactly the same, it makes conflict resolution very difficult/impossible.My h grew up with a violent & controlling mum and if he admitted mistakes he would be punished severely.He has years of this behaviour to unlearn and has been in counselling for nearly a year.

Whilst you can try different approaches to see if the situation gets better I would equally encourage you to consider separating especially if you don't have children between you.Sometimes relationships don't work and you would be best to call it a day as your children are learning from this negative relationship.

IloveJudgeJudy Sun 28-Jul-13 21:36:42

I spoke to someone recently who is now in a very calm relationship, but they told me that they had previously been in a very volatile relationship. They said the constant up/down cycles were very addictive and it was hard to break away. From what you have written it seems that you are in this destructive loop with someone that you can't live with or without. Only you can decide what to do.

In my relationship with DH we are both very tolerant of each other. I, too, have been in a quite volatile relationship, but it got too much in the end. Life is much better when people are tolerant. It's also got to be much better for any DC involved.

Lweji Sun 28-Jul-13 21:43:05

"we" couldn't keep it up, or he couldn't?

DragonsAreReal Mon 29-Jul-13 09:13:14

He text me good night so I text back saying if we're going to do this again then we really need to talk about everything without blaming the other, and he text back yes he doesn't know when as he's thinking about what he has to say.

Thanks for all the brilliant advice so far and for not minding my rambling.

DragonsAreReal Mon 29-Jul-13 20:22:52

Well he's actually truly left for good now. He said he can't cope with the constant arguing and me moaning at him (I had good reasons IE instead of paying any bills last month he bought a car and went paintballing) and he can't be bothered with being kicked out again so he's going to concentrate on him and get himself a place and move on and he doesn't understand why I wanted him to apologise about all these little incidences upthread and more because as far as he is concerned he has nothing to be sorry for.

So yes my family and little world is up shit creek and I'm now a single parent.

I really should feel happy he is a dickhead but i feel really lonely and that if I had just been more nicer and calmer and gave even more we would be ok and not have split up.

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 29-Jul-13 22:43:14

dragons, feeling like that is normal in these circs. Those of us who have lived with emotional and other abuse have done so by repeatedly trying to be nicer and calmer and giving even more. And even though we managed to awaken and realise the truth, i.e. that nothing would make any difference except ending the relationship, we were/are still sometimes plagued by the feelings you describe. For now, just accept whatever feelings arise in you...and expect them to change from day to day, even hour to hour.

It takes a long time to heal, but the healing process has already begun.

I think someone already mentioned the EA thread upthread? Amazingly supportive smile

foreverondiet Mon 29-Jul-13 23:45:15

Need to sort out your pms/pmt. either mirena coil so no periods or try natural healthy route - lots of stuff on net if you google natural ways to beat pms.

Once that is dealt with need to sit down and work out what you argue over and see if you can agree on things - or whether you want to try counselling.

But I agree other posters - tell him if he goes to mums again he can't come back....

Lweji Tue 30-Jul-13 06:38:46

Yes, he's a dickhead.

The bills vs car and paintball alone deserve a LTB.

There's no amount of good will that can be calm in the face of such behaviour.

I strongly suspect your PMS will magically get better. And no more reasons to take the pill.

Make sure you shut the door firmly on him.
I suspect he'll try to be back if you stop contact.

He should need to prove himself over several months for you to give him a chance.

DragonsAreReal Tue 30-Jul-13 09:41:44

I feel so worn out when we're together because I do so much to keep him happy. Still feel lost without him but it's so nice going to bed when I want to, no arguments because I've said the wrong thing and the kids are happier to without his nagging at them all the time.

Last night I would of taken him back but this morning I feel great and why the hell do I need him anyway. All the shit he's done all the stunts he's pulled and got away with. ( he hid under my bed a few months ago when I went out leading me to believe he was at his mums, I came in 3am went to lie down and he jumped up from under the bed! He said it was a joke but I know deep down its his jealousy)

He's not coming back this time because Im not having him back again. I've got my keys I've sorted out my tax credits and stuff this morning, this is it.

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