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Is this the reason he left?

(23 Posts)
TopsyTurvey87 Sun 28-Jul-13 06:40:22

I posted a few times asking for advice on how to cope with the fact that my husband has left me recently. We have two daughters who are seven and just four. Basically back in march my husband of three years,together for eight, told me he'd fallen out of love with me and didn't see a future for us. I was absolutely heartbroken and would have done anything to rescue our marriage but he had completely gone past the point of even trying.
Last night he sent me a text which said he'd been on a few dates with the same person over the last three weeks. I felt like I did the day he left when my legs went all wobbly and I have been crying all night. It's the thought of him holding her and and being with her in the way he used to be with me. He's a policemen and she's a colleague from work. I asked if he met her after he left and he said he knew her before but nothing happened until three weeks ago. He said she has two children and I cannot imagine how my girls will feel if in the future things get more serious and surely they'll be hurt that he is with Somme else's children and not them. They are the most beautiful, lovely little girls and don't deserve this.
From what I have said, does it sound like this has been going on all along? How do you ever stop the feeling of being so sad and imagining the person you love so much with someone else? Sorry for the ramble. I don't feel like I'll ever get through it x

Mixxy Sun 28-Jul-13 06:55:25

It is quite possible this was going before he left, but it really shouldn't matter to you. I know its easy for me to say. But really, if you don't think you'd get an honest answer from your ex you simply cannot let it eat you.

You say you have the most beautiful, lovely girls. Lucky you. Your life has many blessings. Let your ex go and focus on yourself and your DDs. You have to give it time.

TheFallenNinja Sun 28-Jul-13 07:00:30

You absolutely will get through it. Life hands us shit sandwiches every now and then. This is the worst part, from here it gets better.

Don't let unknown reasons consume you, you have your girls and you have your strength, these will get you through.

Good luck.

drasticpark Sun 28-Jul-13 07:05:27

Yes. Highly likely this was going on before he left. Try and keep your dignity (I didn't) and remember he's just not the man you thought he was. It hurts like hell and you are now on a rollercoaster that you have to endure but it will get better. He will find that the grass isn't greener. It's just green.

You deserve much better than him.

learnasyougo Sun 28-Jul-13 07:15:11

Why does he feel he needs to rub your nose in it? He's had three dates. Well bully for him. It's not like he needs you to know for the girls' sake as they wouldn't need to know anything about this person. Three dates, ffs. What is he doing other than twisting the knife? Will he be sending you notification of all his future evening out?

It sounds like you're well rid of this insensitive lump.

You will get past this. It's too raw right now. I'm sorry he's making you feel like crap so unnecessarily.

chestnut100 Sun 28-Jul-13 07:15:29

I am afraid affairs are absolutely rife in the police. People thrown together in intense situations for long shifts, coupled with plenty of easy excuses to cover time together (working over etc). I would be very surprised if he wasn't already involved with her in some way. I'm sorry OP.

TopsyTurvey87 Sun 28-Jul-13 07:21:41

Thank you so much for your replies. I know I shouldn't care what he's doing and it's not really my business but it just hurts so much. It's funny that you mentioned the police as so many people have said that. I guess this is the last thing he can hurt me with x

ThistleVille Sun 28-Jul-13 07:23:26

What a creep. Can't think what his motive was to tell you about his cosy dates. Try not to waste your love on him and focus on your beautiful girls - easier said than done, I know. As its Sunday, can you plan a treat for the three of you and start building a fresh set of happy memories for your lovely daughters.
Good luck, it's still early days and will get better.

TopsyTurvey87 Sun 28-Jul-13 07:28:52

When he left I asked him to tell me if he started a new relationship so I wouldn't find out from someone else or Facebook etc. His text referred to this and I'm wondering if he's been spotted by someone on a date and so feels he'd better say something. Who knows... I just feel horrible imagining them together which is a stupid thing to do but I can't help it x

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 07:33:01

Of course none of us know for sure and I could be wrong but I would put money on this going on before he left. They tend not to jump until they have something to jump to. If you look back do you see any signs? So sorry flowers. It will take time for you to get through this, but you will.

TopsyTurvey87 Sun 28-Jul-13 07:37:27

Not really, but in the month before he left he was very distant and stopped wanting to have sex but I thought it was just the 'falling out of love' thing. Just want to go back in time and have my old life x

lizbee156 Sun 28-Jul-13 07:52:22

It takes time - although not as much as you might think - but the life you have now will be better than it was when you were with him.

For now it sounds like this is new and you are raw.
Ignore his message, don't respond.
Whatever his reasons for wanting to tell you it comes across as bragging and trying to hurt you more.

Focus on you, do you have some money to treat yourself? Even if it's something small.
Can you afford a break with your DCs?
Do you have a babysitter? Understanding friends? Can you go out for a meal or to the cinema? Or something else you would like to do?
What would make you feel a bit better in all this?

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 28-Jul-13 07:53:21

It is so hard in the early days but try to disengage if you can.

Keep texts for last minute changes of plan/updates re the girls & otherwise use email for contact arrangements, business like facts etc, no chit chat.

He is cruel to taunt you with his new squeeze, but don't torture yourself with when it started. I'd avoid FB for a while too or at least mutual friends who are likely to post stuff about him, too upsetting.

You WILL get through this, bloody hard but as Eleanor Roosevelt said,

"“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.”

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 28-Jul-13 08:04:01

Yes, it is very likely - the red flags you described all point to him being a cheating lying selfish skank. The fact that he was careful to say 3 dates in as many weeks show that he is trying to cover his tracks.

I hope in a way this helps in making you realise that YOU are not the reason why he left and that if he stayed, life would have become intolerable for you. Your marriage was over as soon as he chose to cheat.

Focus on rebuilding your life and on detaching from him.

Mixxy Sun 28-Jul-13 08:04:16

I don't want to say anything negative as it seems you are so upset by this.

Tell him to keep his new love life to himself. You are not
a buddy to share news like that with. If you could muster it, tell him you couldn't give a fiddlers fuck what he is doing as you are at home looking after the girls and dealing with his mess.

If he is so proud of his new girl tell him to put it on facebook. See if everybody else is so impressed or pleased for him. The dick.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 28-Jul-13 08:04:16

*shows

lemonluscious Sun 28-Jul-13 08:07:15

I am a true believer that the best revenge is to live well. I really hope that you can let go of your feelings for him. He is not the man you thought he was, he is a cad and so the person you fell in love with is gone. Believe me, the rose tinted glasses of meeting someone else with 2 kids to take on will soon wear off. I doubt after all he has done you would be able to take him back so now is the time to take small steps and rebuild your life without him. Take care of yourself and your girls. In time, you may meet someone else and be happy and better off. I really hope so.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 28-Jul-13 08:07:48

Also having hung around on here for some time, it seems that men very rarely leave for no real reason - they like their home comforts too much unless their head has been turned. Also falling out of love usually equals falling in lust with someone else sad

Lweji Sun 28-Jul-13 08:10:50

I'd think so.
For him to own up to this, it seems more than 3 dates.
They have probably started going out openly now

You can use this to help you move on, even if it hurts now.

NonnoMum Sun 28-Jul-13 08:13:09

Out on a limb here...

From my (limited) experience of these type of abandon-your-lovely-wife-and-family-men, these dates will develop, then something will go wrong and he will try and crawl back to you

However, by the time that happens, you will have picked yourself up by your bootstraps, gone into protective lioness mode for your girls and have moved on...

Tough, but likely...

PS come off Facebook.

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 08:29:46

If he stopped wanting sex in the month before he left that is a pretty big clue. So sorry, don't let it knock your confidence though, it is probably the excitement of deception and secret shags that made his brain move to his scrotum. It happens! It is impossible to measure up to that when you are the normal, taken for granted one at home, talking about the gas bill or something. They will settle into day to day life now and hopefully OW will find a new more exciting shagger soon. It is not your fault.

drasticpark Sun 28-Jul-13 15:30:58

If its of any comfort to you then this is true: their relationship is built on lies and deceit. She will be forever waiting for him to cheat on her. They both know what each other is capable of. They have done you a huge favour.

The crying, not eating, not sleeping etc is because you are running on adrenaline. Once you exhaust your supplies of that you may find you come crashing down but please don't think you aren't capable of getting through this. You are much stronger than you realise.

Ask yourself, do I deserve this? Of course you don't. When the anger comes (and it will) use it for yourself and don't waste it on him. He's not worth it. He's shit on your shoe now.

skyeskyeskye Sun 28-Jul-13 16:55:56

I agree that this was going on before and the reason why he left, therefore it IS of importance to you.

My XH did exactly the same, suddenly announced out of the blue that it was over. He swore nobody else, then I discovered thousands of texts a month to OW.

your H is now trying to pretend that it has only happened since he left you, trying to cover his tracks. He is a coward, who cannot tell you the truth.

I think that it is of concern to you to know this, because it can help you, to give you a reason as to why he left. he will find out that the grass isn't greener, most of them do.

In the meantime, go and get some legal advice, make sure that your finances are secure and look after yourself and your DC. From now on it is about you and what you want and your future. It takes time, it really does, but things will get better

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