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Feeling disrespected what do I do now?(34 Posts)
Have an ongoing issue/argument with DP. Basically, a few times he has thrown out stuff that belongs to me or DC. Not amazingly important stuff - once a bag of toys I had put away for DD when she was a toddler as she had too many out at once. Once a ride on she never played with and cluttered house but I wanted to keep as from my parents and expensive. Also a wedding invitation and details which was a pain and most recently a load of papers - which included some of my medical records and a £50 voucher.
I've expressed my annoyance/upset to him every time. The last time I got properly angry, didn't yell but told him really seriously that I found it really disrespectful and hurtful that he showed so little regard for my things. I really thought he got it but today I went out while he was at work leaving some of DDs drawings on his desk. I wanted to put them on wall but couldn't find any blu tac. I come home to find them torn up in kitchen bin.
I was so angry and I told him that. His reason 'I thought they were waste paper'.
Now I feel at the end of my tether. He keeps apologising and seemingly understands but just goes and does it again. He values different stuff - is not sentimental like me. He doesn't think stuff through in detail is more of a doer. And most of the stuff he has thrown away was lying around a bit. But I don't accept this as a reason to bin stuff. I think if he loves and respects me and knows that him chucking stuff bothers me he could look at stuff when he picks it up and not bin it unless it is his! I feel like taking all the clothes he has lying arounfld house and pouring bleach on them but that would make me a hypocrite!
I don't want to leave him over this but I think I need to do something to show him I am serious. What should I do mumsnet? At the moment I feel disrespected and tense about putting anything down in my house. It can't go on like this.
How can I rebuild trust and be convinced he respects me? I don't know what to ask for. And I wonder if I have been too forgiving. I'm not a sulker and when he has said sorry before I accept it and carry on as usual.
Help me mumsnet!
Sorry it is long. TIA
Fucking nerve I'd say. Glad you've had a chat. Hope things get better.
He has no right at all to chuck stuff out that clearly is not rubbish but is not in what he considers the correct place. I hope he replaced the children's toys and the £50 voucher!
Thanks everyone. Had a chat with DP which turned into opening a massive can of worms about how we are not communicating, and everything that is wrong with our relationship. Then we made an action plan. Still not sure where we stand on the chucking stuff thing but phew been through the mill today!
It should be very easy for him to put what he thinks should be thrown away in a bag or box for you to check through and decide what can go and what can't.
Ah..just adding to my previous post. I don't throw things away. I have a place for everything. Pictures my dcs bring home from school go straight on the pinboard in the kitchen. I make sure there is ample storage from shoes to filing to toys. I have a 'stuff draw' for my dh. He puts his keys, wallet, change and anything in there when he gets home. We have a small house so I see it as shared space and everyone does their bit to put things away. Obviously there is stuff that has no home but that gets put in a quiet 'to do' pile in a corner until dh as actions his share of the pile (with a deadline!) And i do mine. Everything in my home has a purpose and a place. And if not a purpose its an item of beauty like a plant or sculpture. But that's just me and my dh learns to live with it and appreciates the space and beauty (and I take inspiration from home magazines like Living and Condenast (!! Lol from my mates!). Plus I've trained dh to put his dirty boxers and towels in the linen basket not the floor!! Its been beneficial but you both have to find what works for you.
We are probably the other way around here - DH can be messy and I'm the one constantly tidying up the stuff left about (by the kids mostly). I found that, rather than constantly having to check with DH what was important, anything that I know is important to him goes upstairs onto his desk (which I never clean) and any mail/stuff I'm not sure about goes into a pile on the right hand side of the dresser that's earmarked as "his" stuff. Similarly, the left-hand side of the dresser is "my" pile and has my diary, letters, etc, on it and everyone knows not to touch it
because they ruin my careful organisation. It works very well.
I'd imagine that kind of thing would benefit you too in that you wouldn't be leaving stuff everywhere and he would know where to put everything.
I hate clutter and tidy obsessively, but I don't think YABU at all.
My ex was a hoarder and we had agreed places his stuff could live and I used to regularly dump paperwork etc in his study, but I would never have thrown anything away.
He was my husband and I respected him and his stuff, even though it drove me batty sometimes.
Yes i probably would if it looked like scrap paper. I dont understand why that would be surprising. But I don't have a daughter and pregnant with our first so hard to put myself in that position. But i have binned lots of pictures made for me by my nieces and nephew whom i love dearly. I cant help it, i am a bit of a neat freak and my entire family know what i am like. No one seems to have taken offence yet. We tend to have a giggle about it. I have been like this from been very young (37 now). My DM tells me I used to get really upset if things were moved from where they normally were from a young age. I guess we are all different. In the same way Op struggles with staff been binned. I struggle with staff been left about looking messy at home.. Not bothered about other people's homes just ours.
One of the things I know I will struggle with following birth of baby will be staff been everywhere. But DF and I have come up with a solution that we think
hope will help with my OCD neatness post birth of chickpea.
So if your daughter left you a present of a surprise picture on your desk you would bin it ,
Op sorry to hear this is such an issue for you. I am in the "I will throw anything that looks like rubbish/clutter out" camp. Especially if its unused and has been lying around for a ages collecting dust.
Maybe put those unused things that you don't want binned somewhere where your DP knows is off limits. With regards the drawings I can understand him throwing those away. You did leave them on his desk. Anything on my desk at home that isn't mine or looks like scrap
paper etc. normally gets binned.
Hope you can both come to a happy agreement...
It's up there with top rules of life for me - no-one should throw away another person's stuff
unless the other person is dead or demented or otherwise incapacitated and can't sort their own stuff . It's why I don't have a cleaner - because they constantly throw out little bits & pieces that turn out to be (e.g.) a vital part of a toy which had come adrift - so toy is now useless. I absolutely couldn't stand living with someone who did it. I'm wary around a friend who does it, in the guise of 'helping out' when he visits. I watch him like a hawk and pounce! It's simply disrespectful.
But Cookiedough who gives you or anyone else the right to decide that my things are " junk" , the OP's daughters paintings were not "junk" , they were in her judgement not clutter either but had been left somewhere for a purpose.
I learned to live with this when I stopped accepting that my dh had the right to decide what was junk and what was not .I pull him up every time, if he throws away something important I get him to deal with the fall out,perhaps her dh could explain how he intends to explain to his daughter why he tore up her picture of him.
Every time he declares something of mine rubbish I explain that he has no right to do that ,that if he wants to live on his own with no clutter that's fine but a loving family will be there for him and a clutter free home will not , particularly as the items are not clutter anyway but my possessions which I need to be able to trust will remain where I have placed them for a purpose.
The message isn't getting through, so you need to fight fire with fire!
What does he love and leave lying about? clothes....best work shirt ....well, they were on the floor so I gave them to the charity shop.
Books ....well, they were old paperbacks, so I gave those to the shop too.
Statements, bank books? ..well I thought those were old ones, so I shredded them
Just go around the house finding anything that belongs to him, but isn't in a cupboard or drawer, and bin it.
Its childish .... but it does actually work in getting the idea across to someone who carries on regardless.
You need to let the full horror of the losses settle in thoroughly .....before revealing that everything is safely blackbagged in your car boot (unless of course, you really do want to dump his clothes etc).
It works. Mostly. Although my ex did continue to throw books away
I like my house on organised and clutter free as to see clutter gives me a headache! Free of clutter, free of mind/ stress. Maybe that's how it is for your dh? A junk box in each room I could tolerate. Maybe that might help? But agree with other posters, it's a clash of personality not that he doesn't love you.
That would upset me, too, OP. i think it's unpleasant and controlling. But I'm probably projecting, my ex used to throw away my knickers because they were "a bit tatty." To me, it would now be a red flag. He seriously thought your daughter's drawings were rubbish? Does he ever accidentally throw away his own stuff?
Outtolunch, we are very similar I think. I like to keep stuff in view too otherwise I completely forget it. And sorry for calling it revenge. I see what you mean it is just using the same standards. Not sure if I could bring myself to chuck it though might just have to hide it...
If it helps despite this driving me mad we have been happily married for 23 years and I wouldn't swop him for the world!!
It's a bit messy, nurse, but not too bad. We tidy it every week before cleaner comes. But you're right he probably didn't look at it. This is probably more of a personality clash than a massive sign of a doomed relationship and I'm feeling more hopeful now that we'll find a way to work around it so neither of us get fed up.
Throwing away something that does not belong to you is stealing as far as I am concerned. You have taken something that does not belong to you , that's theft.
Thanks Tulips. I will be having a chat with DP in the morning. He went off to bed early, to avoid me I guess! And think I should too as baby will be up for feed soon. Thanks guys for your perspectives!
I'm the worse one for throwing stuff out, can't cope with clutter, I barely look at what I'm binning sometimes.
Maybe he thought he was being helpful?
Is your house particularly messy?
Try and keep important stuff filed away.......
I didn't think of it as revenge more that I took the same approach he did to me ,I suppose if he really hadn't cared then I would have had to accept that , but he did and it made an impression.
Sometimes you just need to have things to hand and not in a box,I once left out an insurance claim form because I wanted to be able to grab it as soon as the phone rang ,he threw it away in one of his tidy ups .When you have children you don't always have the time or the freedom to run upstairs to the filing cabinet ,to deal with calls .Aaargh .You can see this irks me !
This would really upset me.
Sometimes things get left on the table or counter. I'd hate to live in fear that these things would be binned because I'd been dealing with the kids (or something), and not had a chance to put them away.
Honestly. Tell him it's your home too and you should be able to put things down where you want.
We have a box file in the kitchen, for anything I don't know if I should bin or not.
Cronullansw, it is not about the stuff, really. More about him knowing it upsets me and continuing to do it. And me not seeing how to make him understand that it upsets me when I have explained it in words so many times. Yes, life has thrown me plenty of other curve balls but this is the one I am dealing with right now.
Outtolunchagain yes, that is a good description. Why should I have to label in my own home? Maybe I should try some revenge like you!
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