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MIL drama - was I being oversensitive?

(57 Posts)
tangerinefeathers Sat 27-Jul-13 06:27:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

She sounds bloody awful, OP. Commiserations.flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 27-Jul-13 19:52:51

My guess is you were half expecting her to say or do something unpleasant and she obliged with an ambiguous remark almost before she'd got her coat off.

Poor DH having a mum like her. I feel sorry for you too but the timing and duration of her stay was iffy at the outset imo. Of course an apology is only worthwhile if it's sincere so I realise you are wishing her gone but if she stays while you go are you sure she won't fill DH's head with manipulative nonsense while you hide away? How is your DS going to feel? Will he connect your absence with his granny or with your bump?

I don't know what to suggest tbh but without tying yourself in knots can you maybe have a short break this weekend then think what to do?

Jux Sat 27-Jul-13 21:38:55

My ILs are like this. They want to visit, and give us dates. We tell them we're not free for all of them, but we're there for these dates. They come on their dates anyway. We have to run around re-organising everything to accommodate them. They're retired, they go nowhere and see no one except on Tuesday mornings (seriously). It's actually sFIL who likes to goad dh and they have this truly silly playground thing about who's the alpha male.

I think the most sensible thing you can do, op, is what you have done. Your MIL gets to spend time with her precious boys, you get looked after while pg by your parents. No rows. No more hard feelings between you and MIL. DH doesn't have to placate anyone.

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 04:37:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vatta Sun 28-Jul-13 05:15:47

I noticed a few things in your posts that made me wonder if she has special needs of some kind?

Social awkwardness, lacking awareness of normal social boundaries, lacking sense of personal space, bumping into people/objects can all be indicators of problems along the lines of aspergers/dyspraxia/dyslexia.

If your dh is trying to understand her/maintain the relationship then it might help just to google the conditions a bit, see if it fits. It's unlikely she'll be able to significantly change her behaviour even with a formal diagnosis but it might make it easier to deal with her if you know more about where she's coming from.

Alternatively she may just be a difficult or unpleasant person (some people are!) but the comment about walking into you in particular made me wonder if there's something more going on here.

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 08:54:38

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Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:17:08

Very, very sad that you refuse to see her again without trying to resolve anything.

My dh doesn't get on brilliantly with my mum and it is excruciating for me being stuck in the middle. I feel very sorry for him. And her. And nothing I have read here is worthy of refusing to see her again (sorry if I have misunderstood and you are planning to sort things out). It is very easy to pathologies her as having a problem and being unable to change. Absolves you of any guilt when taking this extraordinary stance. Very sad.

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:19:02

I also hope you have another ds and then you may be forced to develop some empathy for the incredibly invidious position that is being the mil.

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:22:27

* pathologise * sorry - auto corrected.

curlew Sun 28-Jul-13 09:25:08

I often wonder what would happen if some of these MIL stories were posted as if it was a male DP refusing to be in the house at the same time as the OP's mother, or taking offence at perfectly innocent remarks made by her......

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:33:29

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Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 09:34:07

Yes curlew me too. Being DM gives you all the power and oh boy do people use it. I was reading another thread where some posters think it reasonable to visit MIL's home and dictate who does the chores. Position reversed it would be "fuck off out of my house". Wait a few years and then see ...

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 09:35:44

Sorry tangerine not having a go at you at all. Just saying it is tricky.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 28-Jul-13 09:37:23

Like Vatta I wondered about aspergers.

Turn this around a bit and you may see things differently. If she doesn't understand social rules she may have no idea how or why she keeps offending you sad

If she can only make conversation by asking you questions, every attempt to connect with you pushes you further away.

She perhaps responds with anger and frustration because she is incapable of seeing things from another perspective - and may not be doing it deliberately at all, which is what you (and the rest of her family and friends think)

She wants breakfast so makes it for herself.She is probably unaware that this is rude and selfish if she cannot think the way you do.

The wedding thing may have just been about trying to keep up with social norms that everyone but her understands and getting it wrong.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 28-Jul-13 09:41:18

Just read about DH's childhood. It sound terrible but I'm still wondering if the abuse could have been part of lacking empathy ?

Where was his Dad when this was going on?

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:41:57

Ok fair dos. That does sound a lot worse than you had previously implied. Going from her comments to you up thread your reaction was totally disproportionate.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:43:35

Patridge & curlew have you actually read the whole thread & all of tangerinesposts? shock

She has tried and tried to resolve things it seems and taking herself away from the situation rather than end of up having an unholy row with MIL, not good for anyone,particularly herself and the baby!

Walk a mile in her shoes before you criticise!

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:48:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustinBsMum Sun 28-Jul-13 09:52:44

But do wonder why she ended up coming for 9 days, NINE, far too long. A couple of nights is more than enough for most. Then you could steel yourself, OP, just grit teeth and have a rant when she is gone.

You and DH need to man up a bit too and tell her two days is enough or whatever.

Do you believe that you can actually keep her out of your's and DCs lives for ever. If you can't would be better to make up a bit. But only have her visit for a day or two in the future.

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:53:48

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tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:56:31

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tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:57:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 10:11:08

Miss marples I have a mil who regularly makes remarks such as, "have you always been a heavy girl?" and " I always knew you'd be an extravagant wife," plus telling me she hates all her gs names.

She didn't tell my dh when his father had died (despite him having a good relationship with his df). so i think i have walked a mile thank you very much. However she adores my kids and my husband wants to maintain a relationship with her. I love him and I wouldn't dream of making that awkward for him.

We don't see her much and I confront her when her behaviour is out of line. She ignores this but I feel better for standing up for myself. She doesn't mean to be evil and had a very cold, dysfunctional childhood herself. I am the lucky one with warm, loving relationships so can be the bigger person in this instance. Plus I have some empathy for her - life is tough when you find it so hard to communicate positively with people.

Isetan Sun 28-Jul-13 11:27:37

As with most MIL issues, the issues mainly stem from their children's inability to stand-up to them.

Your H needs to take more responsibility when she visits. Him not cleaning the bathroom, inviting his awkward mother when he had no leave left and not making alternative arrangements when she extended her stay is bang out of order. She does sound like she has some serious issues which she probably isn't that aware of rather than being a total cow (which explains why your H's childhood was so dysfunctional and abusive).

This has gone on long enough so your expectations of both your H and MIL should have been set by now, she's socially awkward and has no respect for boundaries and your H is weak. It didn't take hindsight to foresee what was going to happen. If you are going to invite her then you need to develop a much thicker skin and develop strategies for dealing with her (running away from your own house is avoiding, not handling). This isn't just about you OP, your children will learn a lot from how you conduct yourself.

Communicate what your boundaries are, communicate the consequences of overstepping those boundaries and most important, follow through.

Your H may never really stand up and defend you, deal with it, stand up for yourself. Do not let your children grow up in a house where respect and accountability are missing.

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 13:31:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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