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Happily married but considering abortion

(215 Posts)
confused75 Fri 26-Jul-13 17:01:07

I found out i was pregnant last week. I think I am probably about the five week mark.

I was initially in shock but as the week has gone on, I feel increasing negative about the pregnancy.

I am in my late thirties and have never been especially maternal and my hubby is around the same age. We both work a lot, we aren't rich but we do enjoy traveling and our current freedom.

I am really surprised at how negative my reaction has been. If I had known how strong my reaction was I would have taken more precautions.

I also feel incredibly selfish that I would be considering abortion when I really have a wonderful husband who will support me through anything. We both agree that if we went through with the abortion it would also be an agreement to remain child free. This thought doesn't scare me too much but maybe it is my nerves and fears taking over,

I feel like a freak of nature! Has anyone else had any similar experiences or advice?

frissonpink Mon 29-Jul-13 19:43:47

Fair point RaRaz

RaRaZ Mon 29-Jul-13 19:36:51

Frisson : Whilst I agree, generally it's not recognisable until about 9 weeks (which might make a difference if the OP is concerned about what she will see).

frissonpink Mon 29-Jul-13 17:30:26

Gosh what a terribly sad thread.

I do actually disagree though with the ladies who say it's simply cells -mainly on the basis that although the OP may be 5 weeks now, by the time she actually gets her abortion, she could well be 8wks+. We are certainly not talking bunches of cells by then.

OP I wish you strength and pray that you make a decision you are able to live with comfortably for the rest of your life. I wouldn't wish this kind of dilemma on anyone. sad

thegreylady Mon 29-Jul-13 17:12:38

May I just say how sorry I am that my first post on here was deleted even though I didn't think I was being inflammatory at all-just expressing a point of view-maybe too forcefully. As I said this situation is entirely for the op and her dh to consider. She did say that they were leaving things to chance which seems a little unwise if they did not want a baby. I also appreciate , as I maybe didn't before, that if she has a termination they will accept this as a decision to remain 'child-free'. This is a desperately sad dilemma on several levels and I wish the op well whatever she decides.

brightonbythesea Mon 29-Jul-13 13:37:01

My baby not planned at all, I was 26, just making progress in my career, in a relationship with someone I hadn't been with for as long as I would have liked, living in a shared house with a friend. I agonised over whether to terminate or to plough on, as I knew I'd want children one day. Life threw a card at us, and we decided to have our baby. She is 9 months old now, and the absolute best mistake I ever made. Yes, I have less freedom, and yes I get up extremely early (!) but we both love her dearly and the thought that I nearly terminated her is a horrible thought. I am completely and utterly pro choice, and you should do whatever is best for you, but just telling you my story as sometimes life throws a curve ball and it is an opportunity to have something you haven't even thought about.

Figgygal Mon 29-Jul-13 13:25:36

Op i have Private messaged you i hope you are still there??

Zara1984 Mon 29-Jul-13 09:34:16

Rob99 please start your own thread, as MNHQ suggested, if you want to talk about abortion generally. This is NOT an appropriate thread to do it on. The OP has come for advice about her situation, she did not intend to open up a debate about abortion generally. Your posts are really out of order given the nature of this thread and the sensitive situation the OP is in, and some of the very heartfelt posts of other women who have/have not had terminations.

Might I suggest that the rest of us now stop responding to Rob99's posts?

insanityscratching Mon 29-Jul-13 08:25:52

I became unexpectedly pregnant in my mid thirties (contraception failure) I was devastated, my family was complete, it wasn't supposed to happen, I cried and raged and made an appointment for a termination.
I had my initial appointment and was to return after the weekend, over the weekend I began to bleed and I felt relieved that I didn't have to make a choice it seemed like the decision was being made for me. I cancelled the termination thinking what would be would be.
The pregnancy held firm, I won't pretend I was happy, I told no one but dh until I was 26 weeks and then only told my other children and dsis. I bought barely anything as I couldn't cope with shopping for baby stuff. The first time anyone asked if I was pregnant I was a day overdue.
Dd was born a couple of days later and as she was placed on my chest she opened her eyes and looked at me and that was it the forty weeks of sadness and regret just melted away and I was smitten and felt incredibly blessed.
Dd is ten now and she was definitely meant to be, she's my pride and joy, she's cherished by us all and nothing makes me happier than seeing her interactions with her adult siblings who adore her (the ones I would have terminated for so that they didn't have to miss out)
I won't advise you either way but would say that the hormones will be playing their part in how you feel now.

Secretswitch Mon 29-Jul-13 07:33:02

Hi, confused75. I just want to give you support for whatever choice you make. I am a married mother of 3. I have had two terminations. Both abortions were done early and were mostly pain free. I had cramping that lasted a free days afterward, well managed by ibuprofen. I had no emotional side effects. I was very clear about my decision to have an abortion both times. You have to make the choice you can best live with.
I did chose to have a baby at 42 with a partner that was not totally on board at the time. I let him know I planned to continue the pregnancy and would parent with or without his assistance. He came around, adores his child, and we have been married for several years.
I am not incredibly maternal. I do not enjoy the intense neediness of the under 3 crowd. Many times, I would rather be reading a book. I enjoy more children more now that they are older. They are funny, interesting and good company.
Whatever choice you make is entirely valid for whatever reasons you have.
Sending you tons of virtual support...

It's kind of sad when someone struggling with a really difficult emotive life changing decision comes on here asking for shared experience and advice is met with moralising and negativity. This isn't AIBU, it's relationships, people only venture on here when they need help and hand holding.

Rob, leave it, OP has enough to deal with right now. Have a little empathy and compassion.

rob99 Sun 28-Jul-13 23:18:05

Very ladylike blush

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

rob99 Sun 28-Jul-13 23:03:20

No, I personally wouldn't like to decide what makes an acceptable reason to terminate.

The decision about whether someone can be a good parent or not, I believe, should be made before conception and in my opinion isn't an acceptable reason to abort.

There are so many kids on the at risk register because society is broken.

I wouldn't ever force a woman to have a baby she didn't want.

Hope I cleared that up.

Next.

FFS. You'd like to decide what makes an acceptable reason to terminate, would you Rob?

OP is not just talking about "doesn't fit in with her lifestyle or convenience". She's talking about whether she can be a good parent or not.

There are over 1/2 million kids in this country on the at risk registers - still, what we need, eh, Rob, is more women being forced to have babies they don't want.

rob99 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:34:26

Mary called me childish....wow

5madthings. I don't know exactly what your beef is. My opinion on abortion is that I strongly disagree with a woman who gets pregnant and after the fact, decides to terminate because it doesn't fit in with her plans and/or lifestyle. If a woman is raped and she wants a termination, I can understand that. I've not said I want to make abortion illegal. I believe life is precious, including an unborn baby.

If a ship was sinking and I could save half the kids but not all of them, what should I do? Leave them all because there is no halfway house.

If my opinion is a halfway house, so what! I'm appealing not to the laws of the land but to potential parents who want to terminate. If a raped woman terminates, I'd find that more acceptable than a woman who finds herself pregnant and it's just inconvenient. The life is no less precious but what can I do about it ?

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 28-Jul-13 22:24:15

5Mad - There is really no point trying to debate with Rob. He's not going to listen to anyone or consider anything.

5madthings Sun 28-Jul-13 22:22:25

But do you not see how contradictory your position is? Either you believe all life is sacred or its not, you don't get to have a halfway house with abortion.

Plus how would it work practically,given the appalling record of convictions for rape and a legal process that takes month. Do you let a woman terminate on her word that she was raped or does she need 'proof'. As I said earlier I would respect your viewpoint more if it was actually consistent.

Maryz Sun 28-Jul-13 22:19:09

<hides poster>

Thank goodness mnhq have introduced the option

scottishmummy Sun 28-Jul-13 22:14:46

Start to make plans to come to mainland and proceed with termination if that what you want
Will you book AL off or sick note to cover work?i suppose you need to be discreet too
Make sure you have adequate support and whatever you decide that you both support each other

rob99 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:14:39

MrsDevere....I can have it any way I want and I can believe whatever I want.....I don't tell you what to believe do I...Although I think I can guess...you've called me a dick and a misogynist already...charming.

Mary, If your opinion is kill the baby if it interferes with next years trip to Kenya, mine is don't kill the baby.

If a woman is raped, I can understand her wanting an abortion.....I'm not making the rules. Is there something you don't understand about that. I think it's quite simple. Are you broken ?

Maryz Sun 28-Jul-13 22:06:17

Bloody hell, those last condescending pompous posts from rob are making me feel slightly sick.

I'm not sure I want rob and his ilk in charge of how bad a woman's situation has to be before she is "allowed" to have an abortion.

MrsDeVere Sun 28-Jul-13 22:02:54

You can't have it both ways.
You either believe every life is sacred or you don't. As a pp said I would have more respect for your pro life views if they had actual integrity. Your's don't.

You pick and chose which life is worth something.

Either you are pro or you are not. A child of rape, a disabled child, a healthy child they all either have the same rights to life or they do not.

But this thread is for the OP and I suspect from your style of posting that you would be happy to continue this exchange for hours and just keep posting your 'pithy' little comments about dr martins and ladies and other things that you think might upset the wimmin.

It would be inappropriate to give you that platform.

I hope the OP reaches an informed decision based on what is best for her family and not some inadequate bloke on the internet who can't quite make his mind up what he thinks.

So women can have abortions as long as they fit in with your particular moral code, rob? Would you like them all to ask you first? Or maybe we can just ask Cameron to give you a call and you can help him draft the exceptions.

rob99 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:52:47

Not at all. A life growing in the womb should be given every chance. I'm not a woman but if a woman wants an abortion because it's rather inconvenient, I don't believe that's right. If a woman is pregnant as a result of being raped, I believe that it's reasonable for her to want an abortion but I'd hope she wouldn't. I don't feel at all confused about that.

MrsDeVere Sun 28-Jul-13 21:44:32

You seem confused about what you really believe.

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