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what to have safely packed away?

(108 Posts)
mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 15:34:10

If you were advising someone who was planning to leave their husband/partner. What would you say were essential paperwork and other items to take?

2 children (soon to be 3) with a house in their name but husband refuses to leave or tries to leave with the baby, claiming she isn't reaponsable enough.

The elder child is 9 and is starting to be the one on the recieving end.

She's at her wits end but needs him to fuck up.

What should she pack away so if she needs to,.she can get away?

Is her your husband or partner?
If partner only and the house is in your name and you have asked him to leave and he won't, then call the police.
When you say your 9 year old is now on the receiving end, do you meand DV?
If so, contact Womens Aid urgently and ask what your options are.
And if that is so, then you need to report him immediately to the police.
Even if it's past events they need to record it and keep it on record.
Not sure about paperwork - there will be some wise MNs along in a minute for that. From previous threads I would say, passports, Banking information, earning information. I'm sure there's loads more.
If DV is involved and the children are suffering, it's your job to protect them. Get him out now!
Good luck with it all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 16:48:33

Agree with the above that if this person is being physically barred from exiting their own home, if the husband is threatening to take their baby, or if he is violent, abusive or aggressive towards them or their children, they should call the police and have him forcibly removed.

Womens Aid can provide advice on what preparations to make. Definitely take things like passports, bank account details, payslips, birth certificates, driving licence. It helps if they already have things like their own bank account or credit card

But safety first. Paperwork is very much secondary.

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 18:23:57

Husband so don't know if he can stake a claim on the house, its only in my name and he only got me married in December last yr.. If he can I'm screwed cause he will take the babies from me. I can't let that happen.

Been reported to ss, I told them what I could while he wasn't there (he left the room to let the dog.out)but he made my kid lie and they don't believe me and have closed the case.

The police have told me to go see the dv team at the station but I can't get away with both kids for long enough, can't have them coming to the house as.he doesn't work n spends all day on his computer.

I need to get away but I can't leave my baby.and hand this one over to him. He will make me. I barely function without.anti d's but he won't let me take them.

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 18:26:39

He won't allow credit on my phone so phoning wa is out.

Tried to sneak downstairs to phone in the. middle of the night. Broken nose and fractured wrist. Can't risk it while I'm pg. Already had 3 bleeds.

When he takes the dog out next, take your children, passports and what money you can, go to the council and get them to call a refuge and the police for you. They will be able to assist you in getting important paperwork later, with policeguard.

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 18:47:28

He only let's the dog out into the garden. He hasn't left the house in nearly a week. It's me who has to walk her.

Can you take your children with you to walk the dog? will it be possible to just keep on walking until you are somewhere they can call for you? COuncil offices, CAB, Children's centre? I know it depends very much on where you live.

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 18:51:20

I don't have any money. I have my own bank but he has all the cards. When j go do the shopping I have to take everything out of the bank, and account for every single penny. I have to walk to the town centre as he doesn't let me get the bus.

I've gotta go soon as the.baby is asleep and he will be wanting me down stairs soon

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 18:53:09

No, he makes me leave them.

Every time I leave the house I have to leave one of them with him

Keep posting when you can, someone will come along to give better advice than me! Did the police get involved when he attacked you in the middle of the night? I only have my own experience, but when the police was called and came out (xp asleep) they took him away and he got a restraining order not to come to the house or contact me.
Is it possible to sneak out when he sleeps? I know that is hard with little ones, but do you think you can?

Tiredtrout Thu 25-Jul-13 19:08:39

Start putting things like passports, bank cards and statements, any benefit details and marriage and birth certificates away somewhere safe. If you are able to start squirrelling as much cash as you can, supermarket loyalty card points can be useful too. Have a bag ready hidden with enough clothes for you all for a few days with some of the kids favourite toys and books too.

You can make historic allegations to the police and they will act, next time you can get away, even if it means leaving one child with him to do so. Walk into the station and say that you need to see an officer and wait for one to see you, he will be arrested if you tell them about the violence. You can then get assistance with bail conditions, restraining orders and occupation orders. Good luck, you're incredibly brave but you really need to keep going

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 19:09:33

No, I went to the hospital the following day and he told them I'd fallen over in the ice.

The police may take him but what if he comes back? I can't afford to get a restraining order now legal aid has stopped.

He's been telling everyone my eldest is evil and stealing stuff and all sorts. They all believe him. No one will take her now but her dad and gran. I can't go to them for help, her dad would kill me and her gran hates me so it'll just be more proof to her.

He's made it so I'm the nasty one and everyone thinks its true. No one would believe me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 19:09:56

"The police have told me to go see the dv team at the station but I can't get away with both kids for long enough, can't have them coming to the house as.he doesn't work n spends all day on his computer. "

If you can, you should call the police again and explain this. Even if you have no credit you can call 999. They only tell you to talk to the DV team at the station if they don't think you're under immediate threat. I think the fact that you are trapped in your house against your will now constitutes an immediate threat

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 19:11:26

"The police may take him but what if he comes back? I can't afford to get a restraining order now legal aid has stopped."

You get the police to take him away and then you ask for their help to get you and the kids into a refuge before they let him come back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 19:13:35

Also, as it was your house pre-marriage and you've only been married a few months, he has very little claim to it. Explain this to the police and they may be able to bar him without a restraining order. Once you're either in a refuge or he's barred from the house, get legal advice and start the divorce.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 19:15:18

" I have my own bank but he has all the cards."

Can you access your bank account online? Once he's gone, you can report the cards lost/stolen and ask for replacements. That will stop him spending your money.

Tiredtrout Thu 25-Jul-13 19:15:32

You can get help with a restraining order which is called a non molestation order through ncdv.org.uk in your circumstances as it is means tested it would most likely be free and it can be put in place within 24 hours in an emergency

You don't need legal aid to get a restraining order. It was the police who put in place the bail conditions for my x, and who together with witness support and DV outreach arranged the restraining order. That is if you have allegations of violence (which you do). He is trapping you, that is not allowed. He has assaulted you, that is not allowed either. He is assaulting you when you are trying to get help. The CPS may decide to press charges, but at any rate you give your statement and he should be arrested.
You may still feel safer in a refuge, the police will give you time to get your essentials together. He can't keep the oldest one if she is not his daughter, and the little one will also come with you automatically.

You get legal aid when DV is involved.

mouseymummy Thu 25-Jul-13 20:47:32

I need to go to the job centre tomorrow, my eldest is away so it just means leaving the baby... I hate doing that. So might be able to phone police again. I can't do it while I'm on the bus so will have to do it when I'm in town, if I can find a quiet place.

Baby woke up so I'm back upstairs.

Just realised I need to NC again. He knows my nn. A bit like everything else, it seems.

He has changed the log in details on my bank so I can't get on anymore. Plus, you need a random generated code to log on and I don't have the little generator thing. He does.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 20:50:21

OK then your trip to the job centre also means you go to your bank branch to tell them your account has been compromised, and then the police station to press a formal complaint and tell them you're in danger. You've got to tell someone what's going on, especially about the broken wrist and all the rest. Good luck

Livvylongpants Thu 25-Jul-13 21:03:17

If you phone the police while your walking the dog or while your in town they will help you I promise. You need to tell them how bad it is a d that he is basically keeping you against your will. Please make sure you delete your history and log out etc so he can't see this

Hand holding with you x please get out x

WeGotTheKrunk Thu 25-Jul-13 21:05:36

Please do what Cog says and phone the police when you have chance. Keep posting xx

Livvylongpants Thu 25-Jul-13 21:07:31

Also if they arrest him they will return your children to you.

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