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If your DH is having an affair, dont beat them, join them

(15 Posts)
Bogeyface Thu 25-Jul-13 14:09:34

Terrible Bogeyface I agree. Lots of affairs are not "just about sex". There is an emotional connection, which is so damaging to the primary relationship. And its the lies and deceit that hurt as well as realising ones partner has strong emotional ties to another, in secret.

Patrick obviously knows very little about relationships. Shame on the Independant!!

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 14:47:28

Oh dear. There's a man whose partner needs to have a snoop.

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 14:49:44

Does anyone else find the Indy site is fucking useless, by the way? It always either misfires so I can't bloody read the text or it crashes the browser.

Dahlen Thu 25-Jul-13 14:50:51

I think he has a point about how culture affects relationships, and many schools of thought believe monogamy developed as a means of controlling women's reproduction to enable to men to control assets. In many parts of the world extra-marital affairs aren't viewed in the same way as here in the UK and aren't considered particular dealbreakers.

However, I think that's rather missing the point.

Weiner lives in a culture where married monogamy is considered the building block of society. As a representative of the people he is supposed to be whiter than white. He deserves to be held accountable for his actions for the simple fact that he has displayed devastatingly bad judgment. A politician who indulges in sex chats is a fool. If he was arrogant enough to believe his privilege would save him from being exposed, he doubly deserves his fate.

His wife may have fallen for the BS but equally she may have chosen to stay married because it confers a political advantage to both of them. That choice is hers.

If it were me, however, I'd walk. Once may be forgivable (arguably) but twice just displays a breathtaking lack of respect for her. Monogamy may be an artificial social construct, but no one needs to conduct lurid sex chats to achieve personal happiness and if you sign up for a monogamous relationship in marriage, then that's what you sign up for. If you can't do it, don't get married.

Dahlen Thu 25-Jul-13 14:51:20

MadBusLady - I have terrible trouble with the Independent as well.

Branleuse Thu 25-Jul-13 15:03:02

good article

Bogeyface Thu 25-Jul-13 15:30:10

My personal view is that he is monumentally missing the point of why affairs are views negatively.

It is rarely the sex that hurts the faithful partner the most, it is the lies and the deceit. Knowing that for X amount of time your relationship was not what you thought it was, that your partner is not the person you thought they were, that your whole life is a tissue of lies that is the most destructive thing about affairs.

And when a powerful man cheats it calls into question his integrity in all parts of his life. If he is happy to lie and deceive his wife, who is expected to be his number one priority, then it isnt unreasonable to think that he would also deceive his electorate and therefore totally undermines everything he says and does.

I would also say that his view that one person cannot reasonably expect to be able to provide sexually for their partner for their whole life could be considered ok, IF both partners are in agreement. Open marriages can and do work but only when both partners are aware of the openness and agree to it.

Diagonally Thu 25-Jul-13 16:16:13

Love the way he thinks he's just invented the concept of the "open marriage".

Bless.

3mum Thu 25-Jul-13 19:00:53

Totally agree with everything you say Bogey.

cronullansw Thu 25-Jul-13 19:27:01

Personally, I think he's right.

''When people rage at their “cheating” partner for claiming their one-night stand “was just sex,” they should instead listen. It really is just that. If you cannot separate emotions from sex it is invaluable to remember how many are perfectly capable of it.''

Sex is not a relationship.

He's right, Britain and America have this puritanical, one partner for life, view and it doesn't fit with our physiology or biology. How can the South Americas, Japan, most of Europe, all tolerate and understand affairs without bringing down parliament, without breaking up the family unit?

And I'm speaking as one who has been completely faithful for over a decade.

Chubfuddler Thu 25-Jul-13 19:31:16

Some people may be perfectly capable of separating emotions from sex.

People who find themselves unwittingly married to such a person are perfectly entitled to not "grow up" but to ship out.

TBH this article just sounds like leftie try hard oh so bohemian bollocks. Is it 1972?

Bogeyface Thu 25-Jul-13 19:46:03

The issue isnt that extramarital sex can be kept compartmentalised by some, and tolerated its the fact that the faithful partner is rarely given a choice.

That and the fact that cheating spouses who want to be in an open relationship for themselves rarely extend the same privilege to their partners. How many cheating husbands do you think would happily wave their wife off for a night of shagging with another man? Not very many!

Its not about cheating, but about selfishness. "I will do what I want, and you will do what I want"

And I agree that infidelity does not have to be a deal breaker, as well as what I said above.

I wonder what he would feel like if his wife lied to him for ages! yes he'd feel like a right twat, and would feel humiliated. Not nice feelings at all.

Dahlen Thu 25-Jul-13 22:01:31

Bogey - that's a really good point. I can't remember where I came across it now but I read a piece of research that showed that the proportion of men who forgive their female partners for affairs was tiny in comparison to the other way around.

That's not indicative of a separation of sex from emotion but selfishness as you say. What's good for the goose etc.

People in properly open relationships have serious discussion about them, making sure they know exactly what the 'rules' are, what would happen in the event of accidental pregnancy, how to safeguard the main partner's sexual health etc. There is no such honouring of that in your average extra-marital affair, which is instead characterised by secrecy, subterfuge and sometimes very cavalier attitudes towards sexual health.

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