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Evenings at home...

(36 Posts)
HandMini Thu 25-Jul-13 12:36:47

We put our children to bed by about 7pm most nights.

After that, in the evening, DH will spend a significant amount of time messing about on the Internet. Some of its work, some of its Facebook/Twitter, some of its useful stuff like updating car insurance. But I find he gets very zoned out by it and can easily spend three hours in an evening completely absorbed by computer and not even turning round to answer me.

So, I often read a book / potter round the house / watch a Tv program while he's doing this.

I've told him that I feel this isn't great for our relationship / isnt making time for each other, but I do accept that sometimes he needs to do family stuff and sometimes it's nice to have some time alone to do you own thing.

So, very long backstory to simply asking how much time you and your partner spend actually together during the evenings and how much time you're doing separate things.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 12:40:51

Last night the current squeeze was over. We cooked dinner together, I spent some time doing the household accounts while he read a magazine, watched TV and caught up with DS. Then we sat outside with a glass of scotch each, sipping espressos, chatting into the night...

HeySoulSister Thu 25-Jul-13 12:43:29

cogito that sounds so grown up!

Twitterqueen Thu 25-Jul-13 12:45:38

Very early on in our marriage exH told me he needed his own space. Fair enough I thought - I like my own company too.

However, this translated into him spending every eve from 9pm onwards on his own in another room, watching what he wanted to watch and fiddling / working on his PC.

Numerous attempts on my part to change this were all rebuffed. Apparently I watched trash, and if we watched his trash - which I was very willing to do, or read, I turned the pages too noisily and disturbed him.

So this then led of course to going to bed at different times, no intimacy, no chats, no sex, no nothing... until we divorced.

Keztrel Thu 25-Jul-13 12:51:47

A typical midweek evening for us involves one of us cooking dinner at around 7.30pm while the other does their own thing, then after dinner watching a DVD together then playing a game (cards/board game) with a cup of tea. Before dinner we're usually sorting stuff out or doing sport. So yes we do stuff together in evenings, but it's easy as we share similar interests. And are both lazy geeks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:00:04

@HeySoulSister... we are a couple of middle-aged gits... smile

HandMini Thu 25-Jul-13 13:04:52

going to bed at different times, no intimacy, no chats, no sex, no nothing. This is what worries me.

Cogito and Keztrel - your evenings sound lovely. Sounds like you spend about three or so hours concentrating on each other. Is that every night of the week typically?

Twinklestein Thu 25-Jul-13 13:10:44

My H works late, so the time we have in the evening, we spend it together. We both work & have 2 kids, so the time we get to ourselves is precious. We cook for each other talk about kids, life, news, books etc

Neither of us use FB or Twitter. I'm not a big emailer or texter. We don't watch that much TV either. But I do sometimes fiddle around on the net if he has to work in the evenings.

I've recently had an operation and have had a good chunk of time off work to recover. Plenty of time to indulge on the net while my mobility is slightly limited (joined MN which I've never had time to do before).
But, my God, it does eat up huge chunks of time. shock

As soon as I am back to normal there will be no more time for the net.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask your H to prioritise your relationship over the net. If he's at the pc every night it's not good for your relationship.

Keztrel Thu 25-Jul-13 13:14:35

That's a typical night for Mondays to Thursdays Hand, though we are both back late on a Tuesday due to evening activities, so don't eat till around 9 and have a shorter evening. And we'll quite often go to the cinema or sometimes theatre randomly on a week night. Weekends are very varied, we're often away either together or separately. We don't have DCs yet but have been together 10 years, married for 3.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 13:16:13

I don't see my current squeeze often enough for the pattern to be 'typical' but he was over the last couple of nights and they followed a similar format. We like putting the world to rights smile

MrsMadsMikkelson Thu 25-Jul-13 13:17:15

It's good to have space so we do both. We'll cuddle and chat for a bit, then do separate things. Sometimes we do the same thing though, like watch a dvd. Sex usually happens a few times a week before we do our own thing, Scuse the TMI.

I find the daily chat and cuddle keeps the bond going and tbh, what's the point in a relationship without that?

MrsMadsMikkelson Thu 25-Jul-13 13:18:32

I can see how it can happen accidentally though. Just talk to him about it if it's not what you want from your relationship.

Prozacbear Thu 25-Jul-13 13:22:09

Typically we'll put DS to bed, have supper (DS eats at 6pm, we eat later) and then open a bottle of wine/watch a DVD/play cards. From 9pm or so we are together.

Both DP and I are bad in that we can get engrossed in the internet - so we tell each other off if we do, and are suitable ashamed when caught! More than 20 minutes doing something (unless it's shared household stuff) is unacceptable.

Problem is, your DH sees it as acceptable, so probably can't see what he's doing wrong. Everyone needs alone time, but 5 nights a week is BEYOND luxury.

HandMini Thu 25-Jul-13 13:25:28

I too like my time alone and am very happy to be on the sofa for an hour reading and I also do a lot of craft stuff. I suppose it's different for different people, I just think we're slipping into dangerous territory of not being very connected.

And MrsMads, that's not TMI at all, it's a good idea, sex before evening stuff would be great for us as I'm always too tired when I go to bed.

sherbetpips Thu 25-Jul-13 13:30:23

I have a similar dillemma but with the kids. Hubby and I tend to stay in the kitchen watching TV, making dinner, our DS stays in the lounge (except during dinner) playing on Nintendo, watching kids tv. I just dont want to watch brainless kids TV but I hate that he is in there alone sometimes?

fatfingers Thu 25-Jul-13 13:32:41

In our house from about 8.30pm I am usually on the computer while DH watches rubbish on the telly. We do sit together and chat/drink tea at the same time though.

MrsMadsMikkelson Thu 25-Jul-13 13:34:01

Likewise. Im a morning person and he's a night owl so there'd be no sex at all otherwise!

I love the space but personally feel disconnected from the relationship if we didn't do the chat and cuddle most nights. It's good to touch base and be on the same page.

LaRegina Thu 25-Jul-13 13:37:48

On a weekday evening when we actually manage to get some time to ourselves we are mostly found with him on the sofa and me with my legs on his lap smile.

We don't watch much tv so we spend a lot of time with the ipod on in the backround so we can moan about other people chat about stuff. When we do watch tv it's usually together - there's a few programmes we really like watching but usually end up talking over. Neither of us ever really watch tv without the other - it's no fun if you can't talk about what you're watching with a likeminded grump person grin Actually the longer we're together, it's a bit freaky how alike we've become - don't know if that's good or bad confused

Our eldest is a teenager now so his bedtime is getting later and later - particularly now it's holiday time - so he quite often stays up as late as we do and usually installs himself on the other sofa where he amuses himself by taking the piss out of listening to our banter...

DS actually said the other day he may start filming us and sell the rights as a Karl Pilkington-type show because we don't realise how funny we are. Is it sad that I took that as a compliment? grin

LaRegina Thu 25-Jul-13 13:40:08

Also - Dh does like farting about on the computer at night but as the 'main' one is in the dining room,he got a tablet recently so he can do his farting about and still have my legs on his lap smile

MadameLeBean Thu 25-Jul-13 13:40:51

You need to keep communicating about it but make sure u don't come across as resenting him having some alone time as that makes it worse.. Allow each other space but perfectly reasonable to point out if u not getting any QT together at expense of computer. My DP is like this a bit and can sit for hours looking at blogs etc without even realising but now is much better at finding a balance (we did have a chat about it) key thing is not to nag every time but say it once in proper discussion and hope he can regulate himself once importance of staying connected to each other not just internet is realised ...

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 13:47:46

My husband came home and was none stop on his mobile or laptop doing work or his hobby....I felt I couldn't go to him as he was too busy working so left him to it.....last week he said I dont show him any intimacy and separated with me! xx

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 13:48:22

separated from me*

MadameLeBean Thu 25-Jul-13 13:48:22

Also I kind of stopped expecting loads of attention in the weekday evenings which has helped tbh! Think it's fine as long as you make sure you getting some QT. This is also cos we have such tight schedules both work long hours get home at 7ishand need to be in bed at 10 plus a dd to feed wash and put to bed.

We both mostly do our own thing well I mean one will cook and the other do housework / bedtime for dd. then once she is in bed we sometimes read together in bed or sometimes watch a DVD but sometimes he is on computer and I do sth else. Only thing I make sure we do is have cuddle before sleep and chat a bit if not too tired. And I usually manage to get a shag at least one weeknight smile But we make more of an effort to do things together on weekends.

HandMini Thu 25-Jul-13 13:50:44

not to nag every time but say it once in proper discussion - so true. I'm also interested to see some posters say they do stuff like internet/read in the same room together. We do this too (sort of long double living room with him at one end and me at the other) but I just feel we're too distracted if we're both doing our own thing and need to switch off from external stuff to concentrate on one another. Will start trying to put it into practice tonight.

Ledkr Thu 25-Jul-13 13:53:36

We do our own thing some nights but make sure an equal amount of evenings are spent together chatting or watching a film. My only stipulation is that dh tickles my leg while we watch it. grin
cog coffee before bed? I'd be wide awake.

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