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So what do you do when you've been together with someone for 12 years and no longer find them attractive,

(74 Posts)
NotInTheMood Thu 25-Jul-13 12:20:15

and there's no passion or lust on the rare occasions you kiss, you've ran out of things to say other then trivia crap. The relationship is more of a good friendship. Is this the end of the marriage can it be saved. This feeling of awkwardness with him and pretending especially in the bed room.

ChimeForChange Thu 25-Jul-13 14:46:38

Notwithstanding should read "you only work" !!!

NotInTheMood Thu 25-Jul-13 15:53:23

I didn't mean it how it sounded when I said someone better dh is a good man but I think we are too different and like I've said I'm not attracted to him. We've together since I was 19 just wondering if we've changed out grown each other.

BenedictCumberbitch Thu 25-Jul-13 15:57:30

Do you think it's maybe a case of growing apart from each other instead of with each other during your 20s then? It sounds like the attraction issue isn't the only one? Might it be linked to another issue, like these 'differences'?

BenedictCumberbitch Thu 25-Jul-13 15:59:30

(You certainly need to talk to him, as previous posters have said)

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 25-Jul-13 16:02:45

People really do evolve a lot in their 20s, usually, so if you've both been evolving in different directions, that would explain a lot. Do you see yourselves as 2 incompatible people now?

Or has he changed physically in that time? You speak about lack of attraction more than about incompatibility, tbh.

Ipp3 Thu 25-Jul-13 16:06:01

If you have nothing to say the maybe that is a sign that you / you both need to do new things so you have something to talk about? I have never understood the whole ' I don' t find you attractive anymore, let's split 'thing tbh. You can't find each other hot to trot forever. And society's demand for constant sexual attractiveness in partners works against women more than men IMO.

BenedictCumberbitch Thu 25-Jul-13 16:10:45

^ do agree with Ipp3 to some extent. (Though if there's literally nothing there, nothing could bring it back & sex/intimacy is a no go then it's different IMO. It's not fair on either partner).

Caster8 Thu 25-Jul-13 16:13:52

Has someone else caught your eye?

Neitheronethingortheother Thu 25-Jul-13 16:18:26

I couldnt leave a marriage with children unless I had tried everything to try and salvage it. Especially if there was no particular reason like infidelity or addiction etc....

I would first examine my own thoughts and feelings to make sure I wasnt projecting my own stuff on to him.

I would attend counselling on my own or with him

I would speak to him and tell him how I felt

I would ask him how he felt

I would invest more time and emotion into the relationship

Try to remember the fun things that we used to enjoy

make sure I was not looking for too much from the relationship and maybe take up a hobby or take on a course so as not to expect all my needs to be met from the one source

Accept that all marriages go through rough patches and treat something that was not going on for longer than 6 months as a rough patch.

PearlyWhites Thu 25-Jul-13 16:22:27

Everything neither said, also maybe be less selfish, marriage should be a lifelong commitment not until I get bored of my spouse.

arsenaltilidie Thu 25-Jul-13 16:58:12

Your DH needs to be more dominant and have a life for himself a bit.
Whilst most disagree but at the end of the day a man being too passive is not attractive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 18:04:16

" You can't find each other hot to trot forever. And society's demand for constant sexual attractiveness in partners works against women more than men IMO."

'Hot to trot' and 'sexual attractiveness' maybe not, but couples can and should expect to be affectionate, respectful and caring towards each other for the duration. When there is no affection, no respect and no-one cares it's not even a friendship, let alone a marriage..

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 18:08:18

"marriage should be a lifelong commitment not until I get bored of my spouse."

That's how it used to be in the bad old days when women (mostly) found themselves trapped economically, financially and socially in long, sad marriages that they couldn't escape and where they suffered as a result or ended up downing 'mother's little helpers'. We've progressed a long way from there, thank goodness, getting out is easier, and maybe that means married couples need to think a little harder before tying the knot and be a bit more on their toes and take each other less for granted afterwards.... IMHO that's not a bad thing.

noddyholder Thu 25-Jul-13 18:10:02

There is nothing wrong with growing apart and wanting more than a flat mate who you find slightly irritating. I think a trial time apart would really help.

puffinnuffin Thu 25-Jul-13 18:14:58

Having young children can be exhausting and it is easy to lose each other during this.

Have you tried going on 'dates' every once in awhile to rediscover what it was you first saw in each other? Is there a hobby you can both enjoy together which doesn't involve the children (eg dancing, singing in a choir, a fitness class)?

I maybe old fashioned but with 2 young children I wouldn't give up and would try to do everything to keep the marriage together. Couples Counselling would be a good start.

Silver15 Thu 25-Jul-13 18:22:10

The grass is not always greener

peteypiranha Thu 25-Jul-13 18:23:31

Of course you should be sexually attracted to each other forever. You only get to have sex with one person you want to make sure its with someone you cant keep your hands off

Op do you share any interests or do anything together?

Silver15 Thu 25-Jul-13 18:24:46

The grass is not always greener on the other side and it takes 2 to tangle.

Invest time in your relationship and like others have suggested talk to him.

Howstricks Thu 25-Jul-13 18:25:08

You talk and you do your damn best to sort it, you owe that to him and the kids and your own self respect. Remember that the grass is not greener, that everyone has tough times. Have some wine, sit down and plan your future..have some fun and shake yourselves up. If he is a good man you will come out of this closer.

Howstricks Thu 25-Jul-13 18:27:05

Looks like we all have green grass! Love the idea of taking two to tangle smile

Twirlyhot Thu 25-Jul-13 18:28:19

Do you think it's worth making an effort to see if you can reconnect with him?

I would have to try. The thought of having my DC waking up in another house every week would be enough to make me try.

noddyholder Thu 25-Jul-13 18:29:27

It has nothing to do with self respect. I personally think people who stay in an unhappy relationship where they get nothing for themselves from it have the least self respect as they just don't consider their needs aside form the family a priority. The time you have with dc flies and you do need there to be something more keeping you together. My ds is 19 and off to uni this year and I thank god dp and I still have a great relationship as I have seen some of my mates flounder because they didn't address the dwindling relationship sooner.

CinnamonAddict Thu 25-Jul-13 18:30:37

I've been with my dh since I was 19. And we are very very different in our hobbies, personalities etc. But we always knew this and have never made any effort each to get "into" each others hobbies. We found things we both liked.
We have grown together, but no relationship is without periods of struggling. That doesn't mean staying together regardless, it means trying to work out why things aren't as they used to be.
You don't find him attractive anymore, but sex is still good if you do it. That doesn't sound completely hopeless to me.
Try to find out what is missing, why you are awkward around him.

We have always embraced being very different, and we have always talked about what's wrong, even if it hurts.

Howstricks Thu 25-Jul-13 18:42:18

Noddy..I wouldn't respect myself if I had given up without at least some effort, though I would expect that effort to afford some change. I'm not suggesting a martyrdom.

NotInTheMood Thu 25-Jul-13 19:47:44

I think the awkwardness is from the fact he is still attracted to me and shows affection whereas I can't or find it more false. I know the grass isn't greener and i know nothing or no one can replace being with the father of your children and growing old together. Part of it is I've grown up and he hasn't so much we are the same age. He can be very grumpy especially with the kids at times. We are just so so different. Sex isn't overly important but it is to him so the fact I don't find him attractive makes it difficult for me.

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