Getting over jealousy in relationship? Help!

[Hitchy83]

Hi, this is my second post now on mumsnet. I wrote back in December 'husband had a lapdance', in short whilst pregnant I found out on my husbands stag do he had a fully nude private lapdance which given my fragility whilst pregnant and subsequent to my sons birth I was having difficulty dealing with! Well, things continued, I was a depressive mess arguing with my husband, constantly asking for more details of what happened, what she looked like etc. eventually we sought help from a counsellor whom my husband was happy to see with me given how upset I was over it all. It did help and gave us both insight into each others views on the subject and gave me a release to speak openly about how it had made me feel since then. We laid it all out and spoke about how we were going to move on, I admitted I couldn't forgive him for it but that was ok, and we would rebuild our trust again. At the end of the day I love my husband and son more than anything in the world and although splitting up sometimes crossed my mind, it was never really an option because I know deep down that this was a one off mistake.
Now, fast forward 6 months, things seem a bit better. I still deal with images of what he did pretty much on a daily basis although I'm hoping this will reduce significantly when I go back to work and am too busy to think about it! My husband knows now if a reference to a strip club or lap dance comes in tv to be a bit sensitive and understand I'm being reminded of it and most likely getting myself upset all over again, and to be fair he's been really good. However I'm going through some serious issues around jealousy of my husband, I have this constant idea that he's looking at images of other women, celebs, and adoring them but then obviously I don't look like them and feel devastated I don't compare. I've found images on his phone of holly willoughby, Katy perry, Michelle keegan etc in bikinis etc. post pregnancy I've not lost all my baby weight, I have a wobbly belly I'm desperately trying to lose at the gym, and well I don't look like any of them. On confronting my husband he said he loves me how I am and I don't need to change anything, but I'm desperate to change everything! I broke down the other day and the words fell out my mouth that I hate being me, I wanna be someone else for him :-( the other day we were shopping and my husband was buying a pair of trainers in Schuh and this gorgeous young assistant wearing tiny hot pants and looking all glam served him, the whole time my stomach was turning and I felt like crying, does he fancy her, does she remind him of the stripper he had etc. she was ditzy as anything and my husband joked about her when we left the shop unaware I was a crumbling mess, when he realised what I was thinking he laughed and said he didn't notice. Hmmm lie maybe to make me feel better but at this point I thought to myself, what have I become?!? I was never like this before, I had complete and utter trust / naivity that my husband didn't oogle women like that!
My last point to this was that I decide up upload some apps to my husbands iPad for the baby, but on doing so I found history of loads of porn sites he's visited, some of which when I went on were pretty hardcore, some were web cams, others were hook up sites in local area!! I couldn't believe it! I confronted him and he admitted to two general porn sites but said the others must have been pop ups and he's not been on them. I checked his phone (I know, I shouldn't!) and there were similar sites, again he became angry and said he hasn't been on any web cams or hook up sites, but does look at porn. AGain another knock to my confidence and trust of my husband! He's promised not to go on them again, although I'm sure he will, just do a better job at covering his tracks!
In all honesty he's a good guy, I love him so much, but this jealousy is taking over and checking his phone which I know is terrible but it feels like he's got something to hide, images of women he's fantasising over etc. I know he'd never cheat on me, but I can feel myself pushing him away with always feeling down and being generally grumpy with him because I'm hurting so much inside, he's going to find someone else who treats him better than me. It's a vicious circle and I don't know how to get out of it. Were going on holiday later in the year and im dreading being by the pool, firstly for how I'll look and secondly because there will be some gorgeous women there that ill be sure my husband is looking at through his sunglasses! Help!! I don't wanna be like this anymore!! :'-(

[cozietoesie]

Dear goodness, girl. I'd be looking to finish it right now. Is there any one of your marriage vows that he hasn't broken - in spades?

Do you trust him anymore?

[Dahlen]

TBH he sounds like an inconsiderate lecher and I'm not remotely surprised you feel like you do.

Body confidence comes from within rather than from others (hence why some much larger people can be happier at walking around in a bikini than some model-perfect types). However, while no one can give you body confidence, it's amazingly easy for someone to rob it of you by constantly undermining your self worth and attractiveness.

Personally I wouldn't need proof of the hookups etc. Looking at hardcore porn and visiting a strip club would be enough for me. However, the easy way to tell if they're pop ups is to check (a) whether pop ups are enabled on your browser (if they're not he's lying), and (b) how many pages have been visited on those hook-up sites. One would suggest he's telling the truth. Two or more in the same browsing session and at consecutive times makes it pretty obvious he's been clicking on them.

But ultimately you already have his answer about how he feels about you. don't you. You discussed how this made you feel in counselling. He's chosen to dismiss your feelings for his own sexual gratification. HE could argue that you have no right to police his sexual desires, but in that case he will deliberately be choosing porn over you. Porn is not a hobby like golf or mountain biking where there are obvious social, mental and health benefits and where preventing a partner from enjoying them would be ugly and controlling behaviour. Porn has no benefits other than sexual gratification. I wouldn't live with someone who prioritised that over me and it's no wonder your confidence is at an all-time low.

I hope you feel better soon and find some clarity to work out how you feel about this.

[Hitchy83]

At the end of the day, I don't wanna leave him, the good outweighs the bad...just! We have a 9 month old son together who we both adore, we've been together 12 years and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

In terms of trust though, and obviously it is the glue in any relationship, I'm trying to trust him again but finding it difficult. I told him as much when he begged me to believe him about the porn sites, one was something like 18andabused which he was genuinely fe estates about and said he's not someoe like that and would never go on that site, he said that's for peodophiles so I do 100% trust he didn't visit this site, and he did admit to two of them and said it would of been while I was heavily pregnant and obv not up for it!!
I don't know, deep down yea I trust him, on the surface and my reactions to things make me doubt him, does that make sense?? I'm just desperately trying to get over the jealousy and yeah being able to fully trust him again, but don't know where to go from here :-S

[Lweji]

If you don't want to be like this, leave him.

Instead of earning your trust, he's still breaking it.

[Dahlen]

If you won't leave him and he won't go all out to earn your trust, the only other thing you can do is decide that your relationship isn't based on sexual fidelity - whether physical or mental (i.e. online porn) - and allow him to do what he wants so you don't worry about it. Couldn't do that personally but it's your call.

You can't just manufacture trust, especially once it's been abused already. It has to be earned.

[Boosterseat]

It's not jealousy, he is downright disrespecting you and your feelings. You don't sound jealous my love, you sound hurt.

it's the equvelant of sticking up 2 fingers and saying "fuck how you feel I'd rather keep my wank fodder than make the mother of my child feel good about herself"

The man is a grade A shitbag, and you don't need to tolerate his little boy attitude any longer.

How would he feel if you started collecting images of hunky men? Like shit probably.

I know you don't want to lave him but but is the good just outweighing the bad good enough for you forever? Really?

You deserve to feel loved, cherished and adored, don't teach your kids that just good enough is all they are worth -because it simply isn't true.

[Lweji]

he said that's for peodophiles so I do 100% trust he didn't visit this site

All this is worrying.
Lots of men (people) feign disgust at these things (paedophilia, DV...) while actually being such people.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

[Xales]

What is to trust?

You spilled your guts at the counsellor about what his actions were doing to your confidence.

Six months later he is still doing stuff that makes you feel shit.

Why trust someone who does that?

[Jan45]

Well I think there's two issues here, the first is really the private lap dance and the porn sites - some men and he's one, like looking at porn, simple as that, it doesn't help you though as you already suffer from poor self esteem etc so he's not really helping things.

Other than hope he takes notice of what you are saying and stays off them or as you say hides it better there's not much else you can do apart from leave him which I would say is pretty drastic.

But what you need to do is go to your GP as you have serious issues with regards to how you look and your self worth, that in itself could end your marriage as you do sound a bit OTT, ie, if he looks at pretty ladies on TV or in shops you immediately think he fancies them - this is about you, not him really and how you see yourself, perhaps you have a condition like body dismorphia, I don't know, go see your doc, it's better than suffering in silence.

[Hitchy83]

I do feel like I'm becoming this obsessive wife and I'm scared that's going to drive him away from me. The rational side of me knows how ridiculous I'm being, I'll see the pictures of David beckham an of course I'm gonna think he's gorgeous but that doesn't take anything away from what I think of my husband. But my minds going over and over things and when I think of the lapdance now in hindsight of the porn, I think well he must have wanted a taste in real life...without actually cheating of course! He puts the lapdance down to male pressure and some childish curiosity and vows never to go again. When he says he loves me, my mind is screaming he's lying, he doesn't love you looking like this, it's just horrible. When we're intimate together my mind is telling me to look and act like someone sexy and goreous would (clearly without the same effect!), I've spent a fortune on new lingerie, thrown out all my stupid childish comfy pjs because I think how can you love someone if they're not sexy like on tv or namely strip clubs? I feel like the whole things swallowed me up, I don't exist anymore, just these horrible thoughts! I'm trying to enjoy th last of my maternity leave with my baby boy, but at the end of it all....I just don't feel loved like I used to, but that may be my own perceptions! I keep saying to my husband I want my head rewiring, just want it to go back to how it was but I just don't know how?

[Jan45]

You can't, you need professional help, having said that, your OH does seem to have an excessive amount of porn/pics of ladies on his phone, that won't help, I'd be angry about this too, firstly though I'd go about helping myself, get strong and then tackle his OTT porn habit.

[Ledkr]

Goodness me. He's taken all your confidence and now continues to poke at the shell he's left.
He does sound a bit obsessed and lechy to be honest and that alone would turn me off.
I don't know any grown intelligent men who would have pictures of celebs on their phones. It seems a bit teenager to me.
If you aren't going to ditch him then get some cbt counselling just for you to work on your self esteem then you maybe able to demand some better treatment.

[arsenaltilidie]

The obsessive thoughts sounds a bit like you have OCD, CBT might help.
Having pictures of celebrities on his phone sounds a bit teenager.
However on the other hand you should know something like 90% of men under 35 watch porn.